Why is this Carpet Wet?

About a month ago after the mounds of snow surrounding our house started melting my father in law came upstairs (he lives in an apartment in our basement) and said that the carpet was wet downstairs. Our basement was leaking. Well, as soon as a deep freeze came back through the leaking stopped so we ignored it. Then this morning it started raining and the snow started melting and... well you guessed it... more water, more wet carpet. The problem is Serious. So, I put out a few alarm bells and my Aunt came to my rescue. She sent her contractor Leo to my house. Yay for Leo!

There's a lot that needs to be done to our house, but for now we're just going to fix the leak. He gave us a great price - which makes me very happy. And, on Tuesday he'll send his guys to fix things up.

I am breathing a sigh of relief. I feel like I can trust this guy.

Aaaaah. Now I just have to wait for the load of towels to dry so I can go back downstairs and attack that wet carpet.

CD2 BW & Ultrasound

Today was my CD2 blood work and ultrasound for a possible IVF cycle. Today was a better day than the last time I thought I was starting a cycle. I didn’t close the car door on my leg this time – that’s a huge improvement. I got there late and was called in by around 9:05 for my blood work. It took 2 people and 3 punctures to get any blood.

The first person punctured my arm - no blood, punctured my hand - no blood, had to call in a 3rd person- 3rd puncture - success! Then went in for my ultrasound - there were 3 big droplets of blood on the floor of the change room. I know it's just menstrual blood and it's to be expected, but someone get a mop and clean that shit up! Nobody wants to look at that.

So, I go into the room for my ultrasound and hop on the table. There are two Dr.’s in there – Dr. B and some other guy who introduces himself but I don’t really catch his name. He’s the lucky one who gets to do the ultrasound. It starts off great – “well, you’ve got some follicles” – then oh, but they’re kind of big… oh you have a cyst. Fuck. I had a feeling that’s the way things would turn out. I didn’t ovulate last month so of course I get a cyst to add to my troubles. Anyway, they check out both ovaries and my lining (.6 for those of you keeping track) and send me on my way. I’m to take BCP for a week and then come back and they’ll check to see if the cyst has shrunk any. Then we’ll go from there.

Now here’s the thing. I couldn’t get an answer about my FSH – if it’s still high what will we do this month – do I still go ahead with the IVF? Will it be cancelled for another month? When I asked Dr. B said something about the BCP inhibiting my FSH so does that mean it’s like an estrogen priming protocol?

I guess I just wait for the call and see what they say.

ETA - I called them - FSH 6.7, Estrogen 172 (in Canada unde 200 is good - so it's an OK number) - I can't get over how much FSH can fluctuate. Crazy.

Smile, though your heart is breaking

I can so relate to these song lyrics.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

For your listening pleasure Smile

Got AF today, blood work on Friday will tell us if we're off to IVF.

Dedicated to all of my sisters in this struggle.

My Dog Ate my Thermometer - Again.

My dog ate my thermometer again – actually for the third time now. I leave it out on my nightstand because if I put it away I know it will be out of sight out of mind. I also know that my dog (the chocolate lab) loves to chew all things plastic… so I should know better. Part of me thinks I should just take it as a sign that I shouldn’t be taking my temperature any more; the more practical side sees it as a dog doing what I know he will do.

I haven’t run out and replaced it for a couple of reasons. 1. My temp was all over the place and I was so obviously not ovulating that I don’t really care to see my temps right now. I’m just waiting for AF to show so that I can get to CD3 to have my blood work and find out if I’m going to do IVF. 2. If my next course of action is IVF, I don’t really need to temp any more so don’t really need that thermometer.

I think I’ve settled in to a state of acceptance. We’re not going to get pregnant naturally so we need a little help – we may need a hell of a lot of help, but it is what it is. I believe that we’ll be parents. It surprises me how much I believe it at times. But, that’s been one pretty constant belief I’ve had the whole time. We will have at least one healthy baby to take home with us of that I’m sure.

A Good Day

Just a quick note about the new Dr. C., I like him very much. He called me today to confirm some information about my TSH level and how the thyroid affects fertility. He then went on to talk to me about how I had follicles and that was promising. That he thinks my FSH will come down and we’ll be able to do an IVF cycle. He also said that he’s looking forward to seeing my blood work next cycle because I won’t be on any progesterone or Chinese herbs so he’ll be able to get a truer look at what’s going on with me.

He ended the conversation by saying that he feels very optimistic about me getting a chance at IVF and the ensuing outcomes. I could tell that he was holding himself back from saying that I’ll get pregnant… he’s not in the position to say that and he doesn’t want to give me false hope. But I love his enthusiasm.

It’s nice to know I’ve got someone on my side; it’s really the first time I’ve felt this way at my clinic. Don’t get me wrong, I like Dr. B. It’s just that he’s a little on the quiet side and a little tougher to get an opinion from.

Today has been a good day.

Review Appointment Wrap Up

Had my review appointment with my RE today. Well at least I thought it was supposed to be with my RE – Dr. B. When I got there promptly at 12:10 for my 12:30 appointment I was informed that I wasn’t meeting with Dr. B, I was meeting with new Dr. C. Hmph. I wasn’t too happy about that. I mean Dr. B is the guy who’s going to be doing my IVF/IUI he’s the person I want to talk to because I want to get his feeling on dealing with someone with high FSH.

Got into the appointment and ask Dr. C. what was going on. Turns out that although I’ve seen Dr. B each time I’ve been to the clinic it was just a coincidence. At my clinic no one is assigned a specific dr.; there are 3 doctors and 2 fellows that are dedicated to all of the clients… yada yada yada. The good thing was that Dr. C had read my file and was familiar with what was going on with me. I didn’t have to fill him in on everything that had gone on with me which was great.

We had a very frank discussion about my FSH, my odds of getting pregnant naturally (less than 5%), with IUI (8 to 10%) and with IVF (not much better than IUI). We discussed the vitamins that I’m taking as well as the Chinese herbs. Dr. C, while Chinese, is not a big fan of Chinese medicine; he told me not to take them anymore. I don’t know if that’s something I’m willing to do. I’ll have to give it a lot of thought.

ETA: He likened your eggs in your 20s to be white shiny glowing eggs, apparentlymy eggs now are brown and cracked with possibly some hidden gems.

I asked if my weight was a factor in my FSH – he said that it is, but only marginally. Obviously, pregnancy will be much easier at a lower weight, but my FSH will come down only slightly (maybe not even noticeably). Even if it means that I just put myself in a better place, I’m going to do it. Well, since the beginning of December I’m down 8.5lbs… just got to keep it going.

So what, I bet you’re wondering if you’re still reading, is the plan of attack. Well, I am going to go in on my next day 3 and get blood work and ultrasound done. They’ll check my FSH and resting follies and we’ll go from there. If it’s under 15 (the FSH that is) I will be on the road to my first IVF. This may be downgraded to an IUI if I don’t respond as desired.

Dr. C brought up the dreaded stress as a reason that FSH can be elevated… he stopped well short of telling me to relax (lucky for him). He also told me a story about a woman with an FSH of 40 who had been told by her clinic not to come back. She went on vacation and got pregnant. Yes, the Dr. basically told me to relax and maybe a vacation would work. I chose to ignore this line of thinking.

My husband on the other hand, gave this some thought. He decided he wants to help with my stress. He said that #1 on my list is probably our fights and the way he yells. He’s not abusive physically nor verbally, but he’s loud and expressive. I’m not. I retreat. I find it very difficult to deal with. So, he’s going to try and change that. Hallelujah! That is a big cause of my stress. He also said that when my benefits for acupuncture/naturopath run out that he’s going to help me out more. Yay!

Some really good things came out of this meeting today. The best part was when the Dr. told us that we should be positive, that we have a real chance of getting pregnant. I was so afraid that they were going to tell us to prepare for the worst.

I did get an abbreviated donor eggs talk though. But, it was when I brought up the question of what if the IUI/IVF this year works and we want to get pregnant later how long do I have from a fertility stand point. That’s when I got the donor egg talk. I still don’t know how I feel about that, but will cross that bridge if we come to it.

I know this is turning into a book, but I just want to share the sweetest offer H. made today. After we left the Dr.’s office H. asked me if I wanted him to freeze his sperm. I said I didn’t think it was necessary- there’s no reason to think that his sperm is going to deteriorate. Well, he then went on to say that if he froze his sperm and something happened to him, then I could still have a baby. His baby. I thought that was incredibly sweet.

Review Appointment

I called my clinic and set up an appointment to review my case with the Dr. I want to ask a ton of questions about what's going on with me, what our odds of success are, what the best protocol would be etc etc. I'm going to be bringing a lot of kleenex with me as I'm sure it's going to be an emotional meeting.

I kind of just want to bury my head in the sand, but I know that knowledge is power. So, I'm going to tough it out. High FSH is a real kick in the head because there's really nothing you can do for it. I'm doing acupuncture and thought that was really helping. It makes me feel better and helps me with my stress so it may not be helping the FSH, but it is helping me.

My naturopath suggested that I change doctors. There's one Dr. H that everyone raves about and she has nothing but good things to say about him. I think that I'll have a listen to what Dr. B has to say and make a judgement from there.

I also think that if IVF is the way we have to go and that we're going to spend all of that money, then I want to look at all of our options including possibly going to one of the clinics in the States that specialize in high FSH (e.g., Coopers).

I find this article worrisome. It talks about fertility clinic's lack of concern about the potential baby's potential future. Or, in other words, the "fitness" of the infertile requesting treatment as a parent.

Any person with the ability to procreate can do so without any license, courses or background checks. But, should you require assistance in getting pg, then what? Is it ok to have background checks like those necessary to adopt? Should fertility clinics be able to turn aside potential parents because of their background, financial status or emotional state?

I can understand why the question is being asked (a woman with 6 children already, no job, no means of support, has 8 more via ivf), but I fear giving this much power to the doctors. There is already such a "god-complex" amongst this group that I am cautious about giving even more power to them.

On another note, how did that women afford to have IVF 7 times? She's also got a university degree and is doing her masters... where is she getting this money? And, how do I get on that gravy train?

So That Wasn’t Good News

I went to the clinic yesterday for Day 3 blood work and ultrasound. Had a few small follies – think the largest was .6 and as I found out this morning an FSH of 20. That’ right 20. So, I’m basically fucked. The IUI for this month is cancelled. H. and I are considering moving straight to IVF. We do not have any coverage for this and aren’t sure how we’re going to come up with the money, but if it increases our chances of getting pg then that’s what we’re going to do.

H. doesn’t understand why I’m so sad. He doesn’t understand that I’m mourning the chance to get pregnant naturally, spontaneously – to do what millions of women do every day. I know there is still a good chance of getting pregnant via IVF; I’m still disappointed that we can’t do it ourselves. My body has betrayed me. I feel like a failure. H. thinks that I should be happy because we have options. I am thankful that there are options, but I am not happy that I have to use them.

I think I’ll take me and my old eggs out for a few drinks. I’ve been “good” lately. Not overdoing things, not drinking – just to make things optimal. Optimal – shmoptimal. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I do.

The scary thing is that we can’t really afford IVF – what if it doesn’t work. What then?