We Have a Car

Today is CD18 one week tomorrow will be my beta. I just started using the Crino.ne on Friday night; I could not make myself do it before then. I immediately felt the effects of the added progesterone. I felt warmer and also my boobs are slightly sore. Progesterone really fucks with your mind, because it gives you all of these pregnancy symptoms. The likelihood of me being pregnant is really not very good. Sure I ovulated, but I ovulated early and the egg was likely very immature. Our timing was good, but what are the odds of us getting pregnant naturally after almost 3 years of trying?

In other news, the insurance saga has come to an end. We now have our shiny 2010 Chev.y Eq,uinox with all the fancy trimmings. It has auto-temperature – so you can program a temperature and the car maintains it. It has a remote starter. I just love it. And, I’m so happy we are not driving the crappy rental any more. We are now just waiting for the cheque from the insurance company to pay ourselves back with. Sigh.

I haven’t had a lot to say lately, but I’ve been reading your blogs and trying to comment. Hopefully, I’ll do a better job in the near future.

Sun

This song brought tears to my eyes this morning. I think it's because I am in a constant state of "oh here it comes" and it never quite gets here.



We settled with the insurance company and our picking up our brand new shiny vehicle tomorrow.

Entering 2WW

Well, I ovulated yesterday. My estrogen is back down to 211 (that's in Cdn measurements) and we're supposed to do "it" one more time tonight and then tomorrow I get to take crinone. Beta is on October 6th. I just want to laugh. My follie at best got to a size 1.7 - at best. Close to mature, but not quite there.

And, they haven't said anything about the 1.5cm cyst on my right ovary.

I think this is a case of overkill, but I will go ahead and do the crinone.

Today is CD12 - beta is on CD26, if I ovulated yesterday, that would make this a 15 day LP. With crinone it is possible. I've never had break through bleeding on any kind of progesterone. The issue I have is that usually after a cycle where I've used progesterone, I have a funky next cycle - either anovulatory or ovulate really early (I'm talking day 8). So, we shall see. Maybe, for the next cycle we'll take a month off then go back the following cycle. That way all of the gunk will be out of my system.

Another Update

CD10 today, I now have a cyst (around 1.4 or 1.50)and a follie - 1.5 on my right ovary. My LH is 36 today (baseline was 4) so I'm surging early and am likely to ovulate tomorrow. The follie will be immature. So, we're not doing an IUI, we're doing timed intercourse. Stupid ovary. I talked to the doctor and it looks like I didn't ovulate last month, and this could be a result of that long (for me) cycle that I had last month.

I don't get why it has to be this difficult. But, it doesn't get me anywhere thinking about this stuff. It is what it is.

Donor eggs look more and more appealing. The only thing not appealing is the cost.

CD 8 Appointment

I went to be last night around 11 set the alarm for 6:00am so that I could get to the clinic around 7ish. H. came to bed around 12:30 and woke me up. Then, as per usual, I tossed and turned and watched the clock, finally falling asleep around 3:30am. I say "as per usual" because whenever I have an early morning appointment I'm afraid that I will not wake up in time - even though my alarm is set. Then I have the worst sleep. To make matters worse, my chocolate lab decided that there was enough room for him on my side of the bed last night. So he jumped up. It's actually kind of cute, but really annoying for the person trying to sleep. You see, he jumps up on my pillow, puts one paw across my neck and rests his head on my head. He's an 85lb dog so he definitely wakes me up whenever he does this.

So, of course I got up late this morning, but instead of running around like a mad woman I just couldn't get my butt in gear. I mozied around, watched some tv, read my email etc. Finally, I got motivated to get ready and we were out the door at around 7:30. I thought the clinic closed at 8am so I figured we'd be cutting it close. Luckily clinic hours are 7am until 8:30am.

There were hardly any women in the waiting room - one woman I had a feeling I knew through a message board I go on. Turns out I was right, so if I see her sometime over this weekend I'll definitely have someone to chat with. Anyway, I had barely taken a seat when my name was called for blood work. I had them take it from my hand. I just can't deal with the poking and prodding of them tring to find a vein in my arm. So, blood work was done, again I'd barely sat down when my name was called for my u/s. I went in and was told that I have follie at 1.3 on my right ovary. I think I'm gearing up to ovulate and looks like we'll be back in the clinic over the weekend. I'm assuming I'll ovulate on Sunday - CD10. Early. I'm just waiting for the phone call that tells me what the plan is from here.

New Awesome Site

My husband and his business partner just launched a website called The Bitching Network. You are able to post your annoyances anonymously about your Boss, Celebrities and Life in general. Some of the posts are pretty funny, so it's a great site (if I do say so myself) for a few laughs or to commiserate with people.

If you get a chance, please check it out at www.bitchingnetwork.com.

Also, if you can pass on the word I'd appreciate it!

Being Monitored

First - thank-you for all of your support and comments. It means a lot to me. I can't talk to anyone else about these things (except for H), because they just don't get it.

I went in for my CD3 blood work yesterday. If my FSH came back under 10 we were going to do a naturally monitored cycle. Well, it came back at 9. Not great, but not too high either. I forgot to ask about my E2, but the nurse said that everything looked good to go. So, if it was high I'm sure she would have told me. I also have a total of 6 antral follicles. 2 on the left and 4 on the right - exactly the same as our last IUI. All this means is that I go back to the clinic on Friday for more blood work and another ultra sound to see how things are going. I really don't have high expectations for this cycle, but it will be nice to have the timing downpat, and the possibility of a natural iui exists as well. I think I'd like to go that route, because then at least we know that the swimmers are exactly where they're supposed to be.

On another related subject, we are seriously considering donor eggs (I know I mentioned this in my previous post). It kind of blows me away that we are past the point of casually tossing the concept around and are now at the point of looking at potential donors, arguing (I mean discussing) about how to afford said eggs, and ultimately looking at timing. We are thinking of taking a secured line of credit against our house. Not a great option, but one of the only choices we have to go with that will allow us to do this in the near future. I am still deliberating on this and trying to figure out an alternate source. We are stretched pretty thin as it stands right now.

We could wait a few years - maybe until I'm 41 or 42. I have always said that I wanted to try with my own eggs until I'm 40 so that 's a little over a year away. Who knows. It is such a scary proposition because donor eggs are not a guarantee. There's a much better chance if we do go this route - our chances would go from less that 5% to around 65 to 70%. That's a huge chance - but there's still a 35% chance of it not working. And, let's face it, if luck were on our side we wouldn't even be facing DE right now.

Sigh. I just don't know. We have found a donor agency that works with a clinic in my city. I really like this company and they seem pretty up front about all of their charges etc. We have even looked at some donors and there are a couple that would be a good match. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, but hope is looming again.

She's Back

Well, I had a lovely 28 day cycle this month, AF made her appearance this morning. Bitch. So, what can I say, I just hung up from calling in my Day 1 to the clinic. I’ll be in for blood work on Sunday and then I’m not sure where we go from there. I kind of want to say to Dr. H. that I want him to look at me like I don’t have high FSH. What would he do then? How would he treat me? Would he give me a lap or would there be other things that he would do? I think sometimes when you have a diagnosis the doctors don’t look beyond that diagnosis.

There’s so much that I want to say that I don’t know how to get from my head onto this screen. It’s a jumble of mixed emotions. I’ll tell you, anonymous donor eggs are looking more and more like the route that I could take. We just don’t have the money for it. And, it’s illegal in Canada to pay someone for their eggs, so we’d have to go to the States to do it. I’ve thought a lot about known donors and I’m not really comfortable with it. Can anyone who reads this blog point me to someone that’s been through this process? I mean the known donor egg process. I would like to see how it has worked for someone else. I just feel like if I were to use my cousin’s eggs that I would always be looking at the child to see what traits they have in common.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I am just frustrated and I don’t know how to shake off these feelings.

Can't think of a title...

In the last couple of weeks I’ve watched a few movies inglorio.us.bas.terds, allab.out.steve and ju.lieand.ju.lia. The first movie mentioned was pretty good, the acting was incredible, but the violence is very cringe-worthy. I have a tough time watching U.F.C and this movie was much much worse.

The second movie was not what I was expecting it to be. I don’t know if I really liked it or not. San.dra Bul.lock was good, but I found her character hard to relate to and a little too far-fetched.

The third movie was amazing. Me.r.yl Stre.ep is an amazing actress (actor?). There is one scene that for IFers can be a little tough to watch – kind of a spoiler coming (but it will not ruin the story line or film) – Julia gets the news that someone she knows is pregnant. She tells her husband what wonderful news it is and then starts sobbing uncontrollably. We have all been there; she got the drive-by pregnancy announcement. It was tough to watch knowing that I have experienced those emotions exactly. So, Julia Child was infertile. She was one of us.

Speaking of one of us, I read this post today over at Late for a Very Important Pregnancy. Take a minute and read it. I’ll wait.
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Who knew that the Lucy we all fell in love with was also one of us?! It’s weird to me how I am comforted to know that there are other people in the world, famous people, that have had to deal with what I’m going through. It somehow connects me to them as the experience of IF is a pretty universal one.

So, I peed on a stick yesterday, CD26, thinking that it might actually reveal good news for once. It did not. So here I sit, waiting for AF to make her appearance, and hoping against hope that I’ve tested too early. I usually ovulate pretty early on in my cycle, around cd 10 or 11, so if that were the case yesterday would have been 14 or 15 DPO. As soon as CD1 is here, I’ll be calling it in and heading back to the clinic. I will also buy a thermometer because H is sick of me guestimating when ovulation has occurred. Oh, that’s the other thing, I’m not even 100% that I o’d this month, so who knows if/when AF is going to show up.

I’m going to let nature take its course and I’m not going to test again for – oh let’s say 10 days. That way the pressure will be off for the most part.

It is my parents’ anniversary on Friday; I really wanted their gift to be a grandchild. I hate that it always seems to be that whenever I think there’s a good chance of getting a positive result that it’s around a birthday or holiday or anniversary. I inevitably go to that place that says “oh, wouldn’t it be amazing…” Then of course I am cut at the knees one again.

God, please hear me. I am ready. I have battled and tried to be patient. Please let it be my time.

Canadian, Please!

Pretty funny video

Here's What's New with Me

Well, by my calculations I am on CD22 today and AF should be around the corner (God, I hope she's not!) If she comes, I am going to go back to the clinic and have my blood work done. I'm curious to see where my numbers are right now. In my fantasy, (well the fantasy where I go back to the clinic, not the fantasy where I'm pregnant), I imagine that my fSH is at an all time low and I strong arm my Dr into allowing me to have one more round of IVF & Injectibles. That my ovaries respond like a normal woman's and I get pregnant with a couple of frosties left over. Oh it would be so sweet. Of course, the reality is that I do not respond to meds and my RE is limiting the amount of cycles that he will work with me. You know something, deep down in my heart of hearts, I don't like him. He may be right, but I feel like he never committed to really trying to get me pregnant. I went to him thinking he'd fight for me, but no such luck.

On another note, I met my friend's little boy on Wednesday night. He is 1.5 months old and such a little cutie with his big blue eyes. I held him and cooed at him. It was amazing. I felt no hurt or betrayal when I looked at him or held him. I was just so incredibly happy for my friend (and her husband). It also reiterated to me just how much I want to be a Mom and cannot wait to hold my own baby in my arms. I know it will happen.

I also found out this week that friends of mine have had an oops. She's either 39 or 40 and he's 37, they were in Spain on vacation and she came back knocked up. How's that for a souvenir? The delivery of this was great, a mutual friend of ours told me with the codicil "I didn't think she even wanted kids". Knife through heart. All in all, I think rather than not wanting kids, she probably thought it just was never going to happen and had given up the dream. She and her man will be amazing parents. Of course I'm happy for them, but still a little sad for myself with a little angry at the universe thrown in for good measure.

This weekend is the Labour Day long weekend, Ihave Monday off. Hubby and I are going to be doing some work around the yard and going to see a movie (all.about.steve). The rest of the time will be spend relaxing with our puppies. Bliss!

Do Not Adjust Your Sets

This is just a test of the blogger email posting system. I may actually be able to post without actually logging in to blogger. Look at me stepping into the 21st century.

Edited to add:

This didn't work very well because I posted from my work email that automatically adds a disclaimer in both French & English to my emails. For this reason I will not be posting from my work email. And, basically doesn't make it worthwhile to post by email. Oh well, at least I gave it a shot.

Edited to also Add:

Instructions on emailing posts (if you're a blogger user)

Set Up
1. Login to Blogger

2. On your Dashboard (the first page you're brought to when you sign in)You will see the title Manage Blogs, underneath this the title of your blog will be listed. Look to the left of your blog title and you will see two little kind of gray icons - a cell phone and an envelope. CLICK ON THE ENVELOPE.

3. A pop up will appear called Email Posting, it will give you instructions, but basically you're creating the email that will receive your posts. It will say "youruserid.SECRETWORDS@blogger.com. You just have to fill in the secret words part then click SAVE.

4. Once you have hit save you will automatically be returned to your dashboard. Note, now the envelope icon should be orange. You can now email your posts.

Infertility Is

My friend Char had this video posted on her blog (it's a private blog so I won't link to it) and I thought it was great.



And I found this one as well, called IF we scream.