6 Months

We took Little G for a photo shoot on Friday, in honour of her half birthday - that's right she turned 6 months old on Thursday the 23rd! I don't know where the time has gone. I will share one of the shots with you at the end of the post. She was really good for most of the shoot, but by the end she'd had enough of getting her picture taken. We got a few nice family shots. We bought a package with this photographer off a website called living.social and it includes 4 1-hour sessions. So, we are going to go back again in a few months and do a larger family shoot. We'll have my parents and grandmother, H's Dad, and my brother and his fiancee (Little G's guardians) together. The picture I'm looking forward to is a generations shot with my Mom, Grandma, me and G.

Life has been pretty good. IF is still rearing its ugly head from time to time. My cycle this time was 35 days. I'm usually a 24ish day cycle so I guess this was an anovulatory cycle - a nice reminder that I am definitely perimenopausal. Oh well. My health is about the same. I am having an endoscopy on Tuesday to check things out. I am not looking forward to going through it, but am looking forward to find out if there is anything going on in there. If they could just diagnose something and tell me how to fix it that would be great. And by "something" I mean an ulcer or irritable bowel syndrome, nothing scary or life-threatening. Something manageable and treatable. I have a feeling though, that everything is going to come back just fine. And, if that is the case I will just deal with it.

I will also be signing the papers to have my gallbladder removed. That surgery should be happening sometime in September. Then in January we are supposed to be heading back to Brno. I just don't like the idea of flying at that time of year. It will be snowy and cold here, and it will be snowy and cold there. Blech. I wish we could have our embies transferred to a clinic here. But, the clinic doesn't do that and I would be worried that something would happen to them en route. Ah well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Here's a pic of Little G...

Missing my twins

It is really easy to forget that when we finally had success we were pregnant with triplets. It is easy on the surface to put aside the trauma of early onset TTTS and having to make the devastating decision to reduce my pregnancy from triplets to a singleton. We are overjoyed to have a healthy baby girl. My heart belongs to her. But, every now and then I am overcome with the sadness and a feeling of what could have been.

A friend of mine recently gave birth to boy-girl twins. They are beautiful, but seeing them makes my heartache. It simply aches for those two missing little beings. The thought of having triplets scared the hell out of me, and there was a small piece of me that was relieved when things went the way that they did. A small selfish piece of myself that I hate myself for. But, over-riding it was a sense of loss that I forced aside and chose to ignore.

I miss what could have been, even if it would have been crazy and scary, I miss those babies.

Still in one piece

It finally happened, and I was remarkably ok. I was at my hairdresser showing off the G and I could see her looking at the baby and then looking at me. She finally said, "does she look a lot like your husband?" and when I said yes, because she really does, my hairdresser said something like, right because she doesn't really look like you. The words I have been dreading were finally spoken and you know what? it didn't really bother me. That kid is mine and she could be green with purple spots and I wouldn't care.

My manic thoughts of the moment are about seeing her grow up and get married and have kids. Being a Mom at 40 makes me scared that I won't be around to see her walk down the aisle or hold her own children. She is 5 months old and I am worrying about those things. Crazy I know.