Dread

I’m a horrible friend, well, not really, but I feel like a horrible friend right now. My friend L. just got back from her honeymoon and wants to meet the girls tomorrow night for drinks. She has been talking about how she wants to get pregnant as soon as she’s married and I have this hunch that she’s got some news for us.

I have been really trying to prepare myself for this news. Out of our group of friends I was the first married and, until now, the only one to want kids. (Married at 35 – we’re all late bloomers) I haven’t had the pressure a lot of other women dealing with IF have of announcements coming from family, friends and co-workers. There’s been one announcement prior to what I think is coming tomorrow night. I don’t feel resentment or jealousy when I see pregnant women or when I hear about people getting pregnant. Well, not until now. I know that it’s going to be incredibly difficult to hear this news.

If she does announce her pregnancy tomorrow night I will be incredibly happy for her and her husband. She has had a rough go of it over the last year and she deserves some good news. (Her mother died of cancer last fall – L and her now hubby got married at the hospital a week prior to her Mom’s death. Then, shortly after that her Dad had to have a quadruple by-pass, from which he’s still recovering.)

Even if she doesn’t announce her pregnancy I know it’s going to happen quickly for them. Ya know how you just KNOW something sometimes…. Anyway, how do I deal with this? I actually feel nauseous just thinking about it… me smiling and nodding while she natters on about symptoms and the hpt and how she told her hubby, all the while thinking why can’t that be me.
Or, worse yet, her saying "I know it's going to happen for you too... you just have to relax, maybe take a vacation" ARGH!

God I wish I was a better person.