The Green-Eyed Monster

I am an envious, jealous, horrible person. This morning I was talking to a friend who had been on a camping trip with a bunch of couples (her husband’s friends); all couples I have met before. There are usually quite a few funny stories that she has to relate afterwards. This time she said that the weekend was brilliant, but no major stories. And, then it happened… she said, “oh but Dick & Jane (not their real names) are pregnant. Yep, it happened their first time coming off of the pill. She’s due in February.” It went on and on about how much energy Jane has and how happy Jane is and blah blah blah. I was on the other end of the phone “Wow, that was fast. How great for them! Very good news” And, I am happy for them. It’s amazing news and such a gift. But, I don’t really like either one of them. She’s annoying and he’s pompous. So, that and my excruciating envy made it a little hard for me to be happy for them.

My friend (God love her), went on to say it’s a good thing it happened so quickly for them because Jane isn’t really strong enough to handle the struggle of infertility. (Well, what she really said was that Jane wasn’t strong to deal with, well, you know, any kind of problem that well could take longer than she expects). I guess that was her way of trying to compliment me or make it okay – ‘cause you know, I am strong enough to deal with it.

Fuck I wish I was a wimp, if that meant I’d be pregnant right now.

Of course over-riding all of the jealousy is guilt. Guilt that I can’t be truly happy for this couple (even though they’re both as dull as paint drying). Guilt that somehow their good fortune should reflect badly on me.

Sigh. I know I can get pregnant. I know I can. I know I can.

Baby Lust

H. and I went to the baseball game last night. My parents got him tickets for his birthday. The seats were pretty good; the only problem was that there was a ginormous man to H’s right and then ginormous me to his left. Poor little guy was nice and squished. The game was good too, a little boring at time, but the Jays won, so I left happy. Two rows in front of us was a couple with their baby boy. He was beautiful with his snowy baby skin, dusting of reddish-brown hair and big blue eyes. He was probably 7 or 8 months old. I could hardly stop staring at him and had to remind myself to watch the game.

The ache I felt for that little guy. If I ever had any doubts that I was ready for a baby they were all gone in those few moments (hours) of staring. I truly had a full on case of baby lust.

I know it will happen for us, I just wish it would happen now.

Harumph.

The witch showed her face yesterday, so I'm on to cycle #23; the last natural cycle before IUI & injections. It doesn't seem real that we're facing this and I'm so incredibly mad at my body. I wish so badly that my body would just do what it is supposed to do. H. doesn't understand at all, for a while there I thought he did - but we had a big argument today, part of which was because I aired my feelings. He said that the way I am when I'm disappointed makes him not want to have kids with me. Makes the whole process too difficult. Very hurtful. I know he was just venting so I didn't get too upset about it. Of course, it's one of those things that will be with me for a long time. That's what happens when you say hurtful things when you argue. You end up being held accountable for something you didn't really mean. Which is why I try not to hit below the belt.

Heidi had a question about DHEA and if I've had any side effects. I'm on a low dosage compared to what I've read on the high FSH boards. I take 25mg per day. The only side effects so far is acne. I have never been prone to acne, but now I am. It's not incredibly bad, just small blemishes here and there. I can definitely deal with it.

I'm still trying to stay positive - it's been 3 normal (for me) cycles in a row. I'm hoping this will be another normal cycle. I am upping my exercise quite a bit this week and am going to start (again) being conscious of what I'm eating. I am very overweight and that cannot be helping in this bid to get pregnant. My problem is that I am an emotional eater and a self-saboteur. Throw infertility into the mix and I'm a mess. I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth the effort.

Oh and on the plus side, my back seems to be fine.

Relaxation.

This week of vacation has been just what I needed. I feel rejuvenated. Yesterday at my acu appointment I told Dr. W that I am feeling really good and I know that if this cycle isn't the one (my temp dropped today, CD25, 14DPO) that at least it's another good cycle. And, wait for it... I know that it will work in the future. That's right I put it right out there. I know that I will have a baby, whether it comes from a natural cycle, IUI or IVF etc I will have one. In black and white, that's kind of scary, kind of like I'm tempting fate to come and kick my ass. But, I'm not going to delete it. It's truly how I feel.

After my bold statement, Dr. W's mouth hung open for a moment and then she asked "Who are you?" May be a sign that I've been a little too pessimistic in past appointments.

Oh, BTW, before I go any further, I have to say Thank-you! For the comments. It's kind of strange ('cause I don't really think that what I have to say is that interesting) yet really heart-warming that people take the time to stop by and drop me a line. I truly appreciate it!

I left this message as saved and went to go swimming. Some how between then and now I have hurt my back. After swimming I could barely get dressed and had to ask a woman in the change room to get my things out of the locker for me. I've been back for a couple of hours and all I've been doing is sitting on the couch, propped up with a pillow and leaning on a heating pad. I feel better.

I want to take pain medication - we have some robaxacet, but I still haven't got my period. So, I don't know if I'm allowed to take it.

We were supposed to do a bunch of yard work and then go down and walk around the jazz festival tonight (Toronto Beaches International Jazz Festival). It's a yearly tradition. I can barely walk from one room to the next. bah.

On Vacation

Wow - it's been at least a week since I posted last. Guess you can tell that things have been pretty uneventful. On the IF front, we're still planning the IUI for the cycle after next. Today I am 12DPO or 7DPO depending on which day I ovulated - after changing thermometers, FF said I O'd on CD16. I'm pretty sure I O'd on CD11. I guess we'll find out in the next couple of days.

I'm on vacation this week. Woohoo! I have been lazing around the house for the last couple of days. On Monday, I didn't even get dressed until almost 5pm. Sweet. Well, we did go to a movie on Monday night, it was a preview of the movie Trop.ic Thunder. Hysterical! Be.n Stil.ler, Ro.bert Do.wney Jr., and Jac.k Bl.ack star in it and there are a bunch of other big names in the movie. It's about a bunch of actors that are filming a war film that get dropped in the jungle and end up in a real war. Very funny!

Not sure what we've got planned for the rest of the week, maybe a picnic at the beach if the weather is nice. It's just nice not having to go to work.

Weirdness Explained

Had my weekly visit with Dr. W today; it’s great that she specializes in IF because she has seen/heard just about everything. I showed her my chart and informed her of the demise of my thermometer as well as the subsequent low temps I got with the new thermometer. Apparently, one thermometer is not the same as the next. Basically, all of the temps that have been taken with the new thermometer should be disregarded as inaccurate. So, if your thermometer cracks out on you during a cycle, you don’t really need to replace it until the next cycle starts. It has been my pleasure to bring you this PSA.

I also showed her the ginormous bruise I have on my belly from our last round of acupuncture. It looks like I was punched in the stomach. She was a little horrified. I bruise really easily, so I wasn’t that shocked by it but she said she’s never done that to anyone before. Then she asked me if I currently take any vitamin C. Nope, but now I do – 1000 mg per day. According to Dr. Google “Vitamin C makes small blood vessels less fragile and helps reduce bruising.” Good to know. That now makes 12 pills I take each morning. I feel like a walking pharmacy – just wait ‘til I start the injections!

Weirdness

I think I may have spoke too soon about the 3 months in a row of normal cycles. My temps are well and truly screwed right now. Check out my chart then come back. See. There's that huge spike and then it drops right back down. I have never had temps like that. Argh! To top it off on Saturday my dog W. (the chocolate lab) got up on my nightstand and got my thermometer. He mangled it. So Saturday night after H.'s birthday celebration we stopped at the local drug store to pick up a new BBT thermometer. It's different than my old one - it doesn't light up and it doesn't chime the same way when the temperature is ready. It looked like I was ripe for o'ing, my temp had dropped to 36.0C, then jumped to 36.7C, then with the new thermometer it dropped down to 36.0 again. I guess this may be an anovulatory cycle or just a later than usual o'ing one. Who knows.

Yesterday I was watching Fe.vered Pitch, in it there was a scene about a pregnancy scare that triggered something in me. I just started crying and crying and repeating to myself - "please work, please work" while rubbing my lower abdomen. I go along thinking I'm handling things so well, that I'm gaining control of my body and my emotions and the whammo - it all comes bubbling up. Thank gawd H. didn't see me like that. He wouldn't have been able to handle it. He thinks I worry about this stuff too much as it is and doesn't really deal well with me when I'm a soggy emotional mess.

3 in a row (maybe)

Looks like I may be ovulating or have ovulated. If it has actually occurred that makes 3 months in a row of regularly ovulating cycles. There were 4 cycles at the beginning of the year that were pretty wonky. I can't say enough good things about my naturopath; she has done wonders with me. The acupuncture and the herbs she has prescribed have surely helped, but also being able to share my thoughts/concerns/fears with her with no fear of judgment has been a huge relief as well. I have shared what H. and I are going through with my friends and family, but none of them really get it. And, I don't like to burden people with my feeling and fears. So, they get written here, told to Dr. W or they just stay bottled up. Thank God for the first two options. I can't really even discuss my infertility fears with H. because he is so positive that things will work out that he doesn't really give my fears any merit. He just brushes them off.

To completely change the subject, infertility has been in the news a lot lately. There was an article in the Toronto Star today that talks about action that the Ontario government is taking in regards of access to fertility treatments and adoption. They have appointed a panel to make recommendations about access to treatments, which treatments should be covered by OHIP, early fertility tests as part of women's check ups and also making domestic adoption a more efficient process. I think the government has finally recognized those of us who need assistance in building our families. The panel has a year to come up with its recommendations; I am very hopeful that whatever they come up with will be too late for me to take advantage of.

Weirdly, at the naturopath yesterday we were talking about the topic of women's health and the frustration I have felt that I wasn't given the straight goods on my fertility. Perhaps if fertility testing was done as part of the yearly physical starting at age 30, they may have seen something and I would have been able to make a more informed decision about how long I wanted to wait until I had kids. You know, they say - oh we did your CD3 blood work and your FSH is 9 - that's a little high... here are the risks of waiting, here's what that means for your fertility. Maybe we would have started trying for kids earlier. Who knows.

Donor Eggs, Donor Sperm and Surrogacy, Oh My!

Saw something alluding to this article today in the elevator. Of course I had to google it as soon as I got back to my desk at work. The article is about the emotional difference (if any) between children conceived from donor egg, donor insemination, surrogacy and those conceived 'naturally'. The long and short of it is that there's not a lot of difference between the different segments; teachers note more emotional issues (for lack of a better word) with those not in the naturally conceived category. There was some differences seen between the groups of kids who were not conceived naturally that new how they were conceived and those who did not. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of summing up this article - sorry.

It's an interesting read. In Canada, donor eggs are not really an option for most people because the clinics are only allowed to do donor egg procedures where the donor is a known relative/friend of the patient and where no money has passed hands between the two. I have high FSH - not extremely high at this point, but if I had waited a couple of years donor eggs may have been my only option. I don't have anyone in my life that I would want to ask for their eggs. So, unless we spent the money to leave Canada for the procedure getting pg wouldn't even be an option.

A Boring Post

Wow - it's been a while since I posted last. Let's see, not much going on. My Dad and I went to the Argos homeopener last Thursday. That was fun and a little weird because it's not often that it's just me and my Dad. I'm glad I did it though. He is 65 years old and in great shape, but he's starting to look old. It makes it so tough because I want him to be able to enjoy his grandkids (my kids) and the longer it takes for me to get ... well, I don't want to think about it, but it is a reality.

It's H's 40th birthday this Saturday. I was going to have a big bash for him, but he decided he didn't want one. So, now we're supposed to just be going out for dinner to celebrate. I don't think that's special enough so I'm trying to come up with something spectacular. hmmm - what to do? There is the Stratford Festival - plays every weekend, quaint little town, lots of B&B's. I'm sure I'll think of something.

As to the TTC thing, I'm on CD8 ovulation will be in a few days. Not much else to report.

Sorry I'm so boring!

Updated - July 9 - Thanks for the suggestions Mums! Instead of leaving town, we're going to stay in the Tdot and go to Second City and out for dinner. Then on Sunday we'll go to a new restaurant in the Beach for brunch.

Plans

Well, AF showed up in full force yesterday morning. No spotting or easing into it for me, when the witch shows she really shows. So, another month down the tube so to speak. There is good news though - I had two, count them, two normal cycles in a row. That's pretty good. That gives me hope that eventually we'll have a baby.

Yesterday was Canada Day, always a big celebration for my family. This year there wasn't a family party so H signed up for a 10km run - the Run for Canada, the proceeds of funds raised goes to Canada's olympic athletes. He did really well - 10km in under an hour woohoo. Then in the afternoon we went to the TFC game (the Toronto Football Club) - it was a great soccer match. The crowd was really noisy and rowdy, not typical for a Toronto crowd. We had great seats, the weather was beautiful and the beer was nice and cold! What a great way to spend 2 hours. After the game, we went to a funky little restaurant called Shang.hai Cow.girl. I had a burger with Havarti and Bacon - yum! We were going to meet my brother and his girlfriend to got to On.tario Place to watch the fireworks, but they didn't start until 10:30pm. We knew we probably wouldn't get home until well after midnight if we went, so we pulled the 'chute and went home. It was a very enjoyable day despite the witch showing her wicked face.

The other thing I did yesterday was sit down with H. and talk about when we should start the IUI process. H. is still not working, so we didn't want to start any procedures until we knew that money was coming in from him. Well, I'm too old to keep letting time get away from me, so we made a plan. Regardless of whether H. is working, we are going to start the IUI after the next 2 cycles - mid to late August most likely. My cycles are generall 24 or 25 days long, so that would make it around August 19th give or take a few days. Gulp!

I also mentioned adoption to H. because if it's something we want to consider we need to get the ball rolling. H. will be 40 in 2 weeks, the older we are (I have heard) the harder it is to be chosen as parents for a child. Now, I am not opening up a discussion on the merits of adoption, but I am not really open to the idea of adoption. I have seen it first hand in my family from both the adoptee and adoptor stand point. It is not something that I want to do; however, if H. really wants to go this route I will truly weigh this option. When I mentioned it to H. and said that adoption really isn't for me he asked what would be our option then. I said we'd live child-free. He then made some snide remark about how I had said there's no point in getting married if you're not going to have kids and aren't I a hypocrite. I pointed out that there is a huge difference between choosing to live child-free after infertility and choosing to live child-free as a lifestyle choice. H. conceded the point. Then we spoke about his feelings on adoption. At this point he hasn't even considered having to go that route (eternal optimist that he is) so he couldn't really commit one way or the other. That's fine with me; I told him to give it some thought and that if it's something he wants to pursue we can talk about it whenever he wants. We have kind of put early 2009 as the line in the sand. If we hit February of 2009 and still aren't any closer to conceiving, then we will talk about adoption.