I am an envious, jealous, horrible person. This morning I was talking to a friend who had been on a camping trip with a bunch of couples (her husband’s friends); all couples I have met before. There are usually quite a few funny stories that she has to relate afterwards. This time she said that the weekend was brilliant, but no major stories. And, then it happened… she said, “oh but Dick & Jane (not their real names) are pregnant. Yep, it happened their first time coming off of the pill. She’s due in February.” It went on and on about how much energy Jane has and how happy Jane is and blah blah blah. I was on the other end of the phone “Wow, that was fast. How great for them! Very good news” And, I am happy for them. It’s amazing news and such a gift. But, I don’t really like either one of them. She’s annoying and he’s pompous. So, that and my excruciating envy made it a little hard for me to be happy for them.
My friend (God love her), went on to say it’s a good thing it happened so quickly for them because Jane isn’t really strong enough to handle the struggle of infertility. (Well, what she really said was that Jane wasn’t strong to deal with, well, you know, any kind of problem that well could take longer than she expects). I guess that was her way of trying to compliment me or make it okay – ‘cause you know, I am strong enough to deal with it.
Fuck I wish I was a wimp, if that meant I’d be pregnant right now.
Of course over-riding all of the jealousy is guilt. Guilt that I can’t be truly happy for this couple (even though they’re both as dull as paint drying). Guilt that somehow their good fortune should reflect badly on me.
Sigh. I know I can get pregnant. I know I can. I know I can.
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2 comments:
I too finder it easier to be happy for somepeople over others. My best friend-happy. My cousin-happy even my hair stylist-happy. The annoying woman at work who won't shut up-not so happy.
Let all those guilty feelings go. It is completely normal to feel this way and the guilt won't help a thing.
It sucks when someone gets something so easily when you have been trying for so long. I am horrified to admit that my happiness for people often correlates to how long they have been trying or what other struggles they have overcome. I don't like that I feel this, but it is what it is. I hope that helps cure your guilt a little. LOL.
I'm all for joining the wimp club too. (hugs)
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