One

It's going to be a long one...

I had my follow up appointment today - CD7. What a horrible experience. It feels so sterile and isolating in the waiting room. It's a newly renovated space, with modern leather seats and a small water fridge, but it lacks warmth and character. No one talk to anyone so you can hear a pin drop. It felt so much like an assembly line. They were calling us in by 2's to get the blood work done. One woman woul go into a curtained off area while the other would wait outside in a chair. The chair happened to be back where they did the procedures. I heard a woman getting ready for her egg retrieval, then I was called in to get my blood drawn. It was a man today, I didn't really catch his name. And, even when I corrected him on the pronunciation of my name he still said it wrong. He then had me sit down and he looked at my left arm. No good. Then the right arm. Again no good. Apparently I don't have good veins. He then drew blood, I think, from one of the bigger veins in my right arm. I told him I wasn't good with needles and to warn me when it was going in. He mustn't have heard me. I didn't get a warning. And, it hurt. More than it's ever hurt having blood drawn before. He didn't even apologize. Then I was sent back to the morgue, waiting room. whatever.

Did I mention a woman came with her Mom and her baby? The Grandmother was Eastern European and kept saying "come on be good" sternly to the crying baby. I mentioned the child was screaming - right?

Then I was called in for my ultrsound. This time there was no confusion about where I was supposed to be. I hopped up on the correct bed, cooter cam was inserted and I started asking a few questions. Did they check for antral follies the last time. Answer, yes, and he only saw the two on my left ovary. Oh. Again, after 5 days of Letr.ozole, nothing on the right and wait for it, one follie, 1.54 cm on my left ovary. And, oh, oops the other one wasn't a follie it was my artery. Great.

I was then told that we were done and to go see Nice nurse for my meds. Injections began today. Nice nurse gave me the meds and sent me on my way. I was forced to ask questions about when to give the meds, if it had to be at the same time each day etc, in the lobby, in front of everyone. I then paid my bill, forgetting to have my parking validated, and rushed out of the clinic.

I cried all the way down the elevator, out of the building, across the road, into the parking lot and down to my car. One fucking follicle. one. The Let.rozole did nothing.

I got home and held it together for a while. But, this afternoon I really broke down while talking with H. I haven't cried like that at any point along this struggle.

I was incredibly disappointed in the clinic and how impersonal the whole process was. I thought I would meet my nurse and she would talk to me at each visit. That there would be the opportunity to ask questions and get reassurances. It truly felt like a baby factory. These are the people I'm putting my faith in?!

So, that brings me to tonight. I gave myself my first shot. I was going to wait until 8pm, but I was so nervous that by 7:15 I couldn't wait any longer. I decided to just get it over with. I went in the kitchen and assembled my pen, I stood shaking and red-faced as I sunk the needle into my belly. It didn't hurt. I was suprised and how much it felt like I was pushing a needle into really heavy sponge.

I'm on 100iu of Pur.egon. I do not have faith that it will do anything for me. I realized during my meltdown with H. that this cycle will be about seeing what works for me. I'm sure that the next cycle they will up my Let.rozole. And, on Tuesday when I go back they'll up the Pur.egon.

The other thing that happened today was that H. and I really talked about what we want to do. How far we want to take things. I realized that adoption is not an option I want to explore, at least not right now. And, H. is on the fence about it. I'm not opening this up to a discussion on the merits of adoption. We know what is right for us. We also agreed that we will not beat a dead horse so to speak. That we'll talk about where we are in the process as we go along and see if it makes sense to continue. We'll definitely do another IUI and we'll do at least one IVF. But, we're both hoping that depending on how my body responds, that we'll know when to throw in the towel.

I know that this is sounding so down and doubtful. I do have hope that we will get pregnant. But, today really brought home what we are up against. It opened my eyes that this will probably not be a walk in the park.