For the Record

This is what Rockets look like:

Those little devils look harmless enough, but I'm telling you they're pure sugary evil.

BTW - Smarties in Canada are candy-covered chocolate.

I'm a Slackass

I’m a slackass and I know it clap my hands.
I’m a slackass and I know it clap my hands.
I’m a slackass and I know it and my body really shows it.
I’m a slackass and I know it clap my hands.

So, I kind of fell off of the healthy train. Damn you Rockets, every year at this time your sugary colourful tablets swoop in just in time for Halloween and I succumb to your powdery goodness. Yesterday I was at a drugstore buying an 8 pack of AA batteries, the batteries were strategically placed in the candy aisle. I made sure not to walk down any further than the batteries because I could see the Halloween candy display taunting me from afar. I used my super skills of avoidance, turned a blind eye and snatched up those double AAs. Turned around and lo and behold, my nemesis Rockets were piled nicely at eye level. I tried to walk away, but I just couldn’t do it. I left the store with the batteries and the smallest bag of Rockets that they had. Damn it.

When I got back to my desk, I ripped open the bag and took out 5 little packets – 150 calories of pure sugar. I did that twice more – for a total of 450 empty, sugar soaked calories. The sugar high was soooo good, I love the way the white ones dissolve on my tongue. Mmmm.

Then I crashed – hard. I was supposed to go running last night. But, by the time I got home I didn’t have the energy to do anything. So, I didn’t. I didn’t even try to push through. I’m so disappointed in myself for falling so hard and so fast.

I’ve been getting all of these great comments (thank-you ICLW!) encouraging me to keep it up. Thank-you for all of your support,. I’m climbing back up on the healthy train and am going to white knuckle it until it feels right.

On top of all that, I forgot to take my temperature this morning. Blah.

Healthy Living

So far my healthy living plan is going OK. I haven't made huge changes with my eating, but I have brought exercise back into my routine. I am starting the learn to run program over again. In week 1 you start out running a minute and walking two minutes and repeat that 6 times. Each week you add in more running time. I have already done the program once, but I stopped running for a while and thought it would be good to start over again. This time when I run, I am actually running hard. The first time I did the program when I ran it was simply to get through the allotted running time. I was doing this old man-ish type of shuffle. This time around I am actually trying to run at a good pace and take actual strides. It makes me work really hard. I went for a run last night and was huffing and puffing so loudly at times that people on the street were staring at me. Hmm, maybe they thought I was going to pass out.

In addition to the running I am doing a small strength training routine. From a healthy eating perspective, I'm trying to be conscious of what I eat (tracking it in sparkpeople.com) and drinking 8 glasses of water per day.

I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't put all of this weight on in one day and it sure as hell isn't going to come off in a day either.

My Pants are Huge!

Nobody told me not to go shopping for clothes while cycling. Or maybe nobody realized that taking progesterone for 14 days would make me bloat up a whole pants size. Yikes. I was feeling crappy about my fall wardrobe (can you believe the summer is over?!), thinking back on it now some of that may have been hormonal. I decided that I would go across the street to my favourite plus-size store - handy don't you think that it's kiddy corner from my office?

Anyway, I tried on what felt like thousands of outfits and suits. Getting completely disgusted with myself for going up yet another pants size. I found a beautiful black suit that actually seemed not to make me look like a giant marshmallow and bought a cherry red sleeveless turtleneck to go under it. I also bought a blouse to go under it. When all was said and done, I was pretty happy with my purchases.

I stopped taking the progesterone on Friday and wore the pants that go with the suit to work for the first time yesterday. They were too big, particularly in the waist. Not so big that they were falling down, but there's probably about a 2 to 3 inch gap when I pull the waistband out. Progesterone should come with a warning to shop at your own hazard. Those pants weren't cheap and now what do I do?

IUI #1 Wrap Up

Well, as you know, our first ever IUI with injectibles cycle failed. I was 99.9% that the procedure was not going to work when the actual procedure was being done. I didn’t have a whole lot of egg white cm and I had checked my cervical position prior to the appointment and it was still high and firm. This was confirmed when Dr. B had a little trouble getting the speculum in and asked me when exactly it was that I took my shot of Ovi.drel – the trigger. It just seemed poorly timed – then he told us to DTD for the next 3 days. If DTD was actually going to get us pg, we wouldn’t have needed the stupid IUI in the first place.

So, H. and I left the office – H with an optimistic outlook. He said on more than one occasion that he knew it was going to work. And there I was, cautiously optimistic, but knowing that it just didn’t feel right. I let myself get caught up a little bit in the whole two week wait thing. You know that age old debate of is it a PMS or a PG symptom. Deep down I knew I wasn’t pg, the IUI hadn’t worked. I think that made it easier not to pee on anything because I didn’t want my suspicions confirmed.

There were a few things that did work out for me. My FSH and E2 were exactly where they were supposed to be! My body reacted to the meds in the desired way (except for the trigger) I produced 2 or 3 eggs. The progesterone worked – my temps were nice and consistently high and I had a 14 day LP. I successfully gave myself all of the shots – conquering a huge fear. All great things. So as a test run, it went very well and now I know what to expect for the next time.

Speaking of next times, it won’t be this cycle. With H still out of a job, we can’t afford to do another cycle this month. We’re hoping that by next cycle he’ll be working again and we can jump back on the baby making train. Until then, I will be concentrating on living a healthier lifestyle. I’ve started running again and I’m going to be more conscious of what I’m putting in my mouth. I’d really like to lose 10 lbs in the next month (2.5 lbs per week at my considerable size seems pretty doable). So that’s the plan.

Beta Today

So, today is my beta. I went to the clinic this morning to have my blood drawn. While I was sitting there a woman came blowing through the lobby like a tornado. I could feel the excitement radiating from her. She was talking to one of the nurses about how at her last IVF the IV didn’t even leave a mark and how she’d peed on two sticks and they were both positive and now she was at the clinic to get her blood taken to confirm the pregnancy. And then she said yes I am pregnant – God Willing.

I was struck by a bunch of emotions. First, I do not think that I’m pregnant – I want to be, I hope I am, but… When this woman came in, I took it as a sign – she’s the one that succeeded this time. Not my turn. She took my turn. Totally irrational. I actually scowled on the inside. Of course, I am logically happy for her. She went through IVF, not for the first time from the sounds of it and it stuck. She is pg. She is incredibly lucky.

A little while later I was called in by the nice nurse to have my blood drawn. No big deal. She took the blood from my hand since the veins in my arms are so difficult to deal with. When I left she said Good Luck. I thanked her and was on my way.

So now I wait. I go back and forth between thinking of course I'm pregnant to of course I'm not pregnant. On Wednesday afternoon I went to the bathroom and there was one tiny little speck of light pink blood. Of course after that I was religiously and obsessively going to the bathroom and checking my underwear then checking the tp. There hasn't been another drop since then. I don't spot - usually when AF arrives she just jumps in full force, so I am marking it down to the progesterone suppositories. They really do what they're supposed to do.

As an aside, my Father had his follow up appointment with the heart specialist and he is in great shape. He’s doing so well that he can even play hockey this winter if he wants to. That blast of wind you just felt was my sigh of relief!

UPDATE: BFN.

Weird Searches

I just checked my goo.gle ana.lytics to peek at my stats and to look at the search phrases used to find me.

Having the word "oven" in the title of my blog has led to a few people finding my blog with some strange searches:

1. Babies having to go in the oven. Huh? I'm hoping this wasn't from someone who was looking to cook their children. I know it's morbid and not funny - but wow!

2. How to tell if my oven is celsius. Well, they'll find a lot about the temperature of my oven, but not quite in the way they were hoping I'm sure.

3. Superstitions on ovens. Who knew there were superstitions for ovens?

4. Killing yourself with an oven. My heart goes out to this person. I truly hope that he/she was searching for this as research for a book or article or something and not for information on how to harm themself.

Ramblings

For the last two days my temp has been 36.6 down from 36.8. I have this horrible feeling that this IUI was a bust. My body feels like it's getting ready for a visit from AF and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Of course I still have hope... hope that my temperatures will re-bound, hope that miracle of miracles this actually worked. I have been scared since the IUI, not sure if I really conveyed that here; I was scared because I definitely didn't think the IUI was well-timed. My cervix was still pretty high, the trigger shot didn't seem to work for me - at least not in the time frame they allowed. Then Dr. B told us to go and DTD for the next 3 days. I was scared and guilty because we only did it once - and I was scared because I thought he was crazy - DTD doesn't get us pg. I was also scared/overwhelmed by the 14 days to Beta. My body doesn't do a 14 day LP, 13 at the very most, but usually 12 days. So, I was/am scared that I won't actually make it to beta. I feel like I can't even do that right. On top of it all, I'm scared that by writing this post about my fears and my feeling that this cycle is a bust that I am tempting fate. you know - what you put out is what you get back. So, I could be ruining this with my negativity.

I have never felt crazier than I do now after having read that last bit. I know that wishing and hoping and praying and begging and sticking a smile on my face for everyone and making all my thoughts shiny and happy hasn't worked. None of those things have gotten me pg, but by allowing myself to acknowledge my fears - that's what's going to sabotage a cycle. See - crazy.

This reminds me of my conversation with Dr. W at my last acupuncture appointment. She said it's so weird how I'm like a different person from appointment to appointment. I go from being strong and happy and positive to being down and negative. There's no consistency. She said that most of the IFers that she sees go from neutral to negative and don't waver very much. I do see the consistency. I'm up and positive when I'm starting a fresh cycle - when there are no indications that the cycle could fail, when I allow hope to shine free. Then when I'm down it's because I'm feeling the way I do now - I know my body and the cues it sends me. And it hurts that it doesn't do what it's supposed to do. To me it's all nauseatingly consistent.

On a completely different note, I'm on the progesterone suppositories - 1 every night. After reading a lot of the blogs out there it seems that most women do one in the morning and one at night. Will one each night actually do anything?

The passing of a good woman.

I found out today that a good friend and co-worker died early this morning. She had put up a courageous battle against breast cancer. She underwent a double mastectomy, radiation and chemo treatments only to find that the bastard of a disease had found its way to her liver.

She grabbed life by the balls, had a braying, booming laugh and a tender heart.

I will miss her wisdom, and her straight shooting ways.

One week down

I have made it through one week of the two week wait relatively unscathed. Hmm, that makes it sound like things have been difficult. Really, I do think about it every hour or so, but I’m not tempted to pee on anything, so that should tell you how I feel. I don’t know how I feel about this cycle; I guess the best description is neutral. I neither feel like it’s been a success nor a failure. I’m really just waiting to see what happens next.

I have been on the progesterone suppositories for a week now and I don’t really have any “symptoms” to speak of. I am crabby and hyper-sensitive – H. is just loving me right now. I have been having trouble sleeping through the night – waking around 4am every night. I even fell asleep on the acupuncture table yesterday – only to wake myself up by my loud snores. Slightly embarrassing, hopefully nobody heard. Last night I was so tired I went to bed at 8:30 (well, I went upstairs got in bed and watched tv) I was asleep by around 10pm. Had extremely vivid and weird dreams last night all about being at the seashore (not sure which sea since I live in Ontario and the closes “shore” is Lake Ontario) staying in a scary hotel where I felt scared for my life.

On another note, H. is still out of work, but has had about 6 interviews this week. Hopefully, one of them pan out – and it’s one that he actually wants to get. He’s been having fits of depression the last few weeks. I don’t blame him really; I’d be completely stressed if I were in his shoes. I’m so proud of him for muddling through, keeping his chin up and pressing forward. I know he is incredibly smart and incredibly good at what he does. I know that he is going to get a fabulous job. It just hasn’t happened yet.

Please keep him in your thoughts!

Interesting Article

In Ontario IVF is not covered unless a woman has bilaterally blocked tubes. This article offers an argument for our government paying for IVF. It offers the idea of covering single embryo transfer IVFs because it is a much cheaper alternative to the use of fertility drugs without IVF and the high instance of multiples. The argument being that with multiples, they are usually high-risk pregnancies requiring more care, predominantly premature births require more assistance and longer hospital stays. This all adds up from a cost perspective - which is covered by the government. So, it's a cheaper alternative to cover the cost of IVF.

Oh, and recently, our government decided to cover sex change operations. Yet, fertility is still not deemed a necessary issue. I talked about that here.

I think all fertility treatments and drugs should be covered. What are your thought?

To DTD or Not

The parting instructions we were given on Friday after the IUI was to have sex for the following 3 days. So, what, magically we’ll get pregnant naturally after 24 cycles of no bfp’s? We dtd the following day, but we didn’t do it yesterday. On FF, my chart shows that I o’d on Friday, if only with hash marked lines, if it wasn’t Friday it certainly was on Saturday. Since the egg has a 24 hour shelf life, I’m not sure what dtd would add at this point. H. is stressed about not working, he’s worried and tired. The act of dtd right now is just added stress. It makes it so mechanical. So, should we dtd today? My inclination is not to, but I don’t want to have paid all that money for this not to work. Then I think hell I paid the money for the IUI, if we could get pg by having sex that would have happened already. Does anyone see the irony here?

So, I feel guilty for not following the dr.’s orders to do something we know doesn’t work for us. Blah.

I’ve been doing the progesterone suppositories. Thank gawd it’s only at night. I couldn’t imagine having to do that more than once a day. I don’t think I’ve experienced any side effects, maybe as I get further into this 2ww I’ll have them. I read a great post on a blog (now I don’t remember who’s it was – sorry) about there not really being any pg symptoms during the 2ww. That they’re all progesterone induced whether you’re on suppositories or going it au naturel. That makes it easier for me to get through this 2WW, because I won’t be thinking “there was a twinge in the area of my uterus, my boobs are sore and my sense of smell is stronger – I wonder if this month I’m actually pg” I can chalk everything up to the progesterone and just wait and see what happens.

IUI is Done

At 7am, H. and I were in the clinic and by 7:40 he had given his sample. We then headed down Bloor Street to a local breakfast joint to enjoy a leisurely breakfast. I didn't have to be back to the clinic until 10am. We took our time over breakfast talking about what was about to happend and plans for our future (we're thinking of refinancing our house). That brought us to 8:45 or so. We then headed down Bloor and up to Yorkville - a swanky little part of T.O. with lots of high end shops and restaurants. We noticed that the TIF.F had started and a film was going to be shown around 9am. TIF.F is the Toront.o Inte.rnation F.ilm Festiv.al, Bra.d Pi.tt among others will be in town to show their films and rub elbows at a lot fo galas etc. It's kind of neat to witness the excitement around the festival. H and his Dad are planning on going to one of the films, and H & I may go see either Passche.ndaele (a Canadian film by Pa.ul Gross) or Bur.n After R.eading.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, so to speak, after walking around and killing time at Ind.igo. We headed back to the clinic for 10am. There was one other clinic ahead of us having an IUI done. At 10:55am, I was officially inseminated. H. gave his sample at 7am, it resulted in 16 million healthy little swimmers. Dr. Handsome said that anything over 1 million is what they're looking for which is great. The only issue I have is that I don't think the timing was very good - my temp hasn't dropped and there isn't very much eggwhite CM, but I'm not the expert, right? We're supposed to do the deed (dtd) for the next 3 days to maximize our chances. And, joy of all joys, I start progesterone suppositories tonight. Beta is two weeks today.

H. was in the room with me when I had the IUI. I wanted him there because if we do really get a live baby out of this, I wanted him to feel like he was really a part of this. You know - that we were at least in the room together. It was funny, I asked Dr. Handsome if there was anything special that I was supposed to avoid or do. And he said that "nope, it's just like when you have sex". I couldn't help myself and replied "well, this isn't exactly like sex" he blushed. Teehee.

The part that was the best is that I had been worried about my FSH and E2 numbers - they were 7.2 and 115 respectively. Someone had mentioned that my FSH could be low because my E2 was too high and was therefore suppressing the FSH. That anything under 100 is what they're looking for. Well, H. brought this up with the dr. and it turns out that the unit of measurement that they use in Canada is different than in the US. In Canada, anything under 200 is considered good. So, I just plain had good numbers. Yay!

Looking Good

I had another appointment for blood work and an ultrasound today. The nurse took me for the blood work and took one look at my arm and sighed. It's pretty bruised up. She ended up taking blood from my hand. It didn't hurt so that was good. Then it was time for the ultrasound. Today my lining was 0.8, and I had three follies - 1.3 and 1.8 on the left, 2.0 on the right. Not sure why one of the follies on the left got smaller, but I'm happy that I have two.

So, now I'm just waiting for the call about my blood work. They are going to tell me if I have had an LH surge already. If I have then I will have to take the Ovid.rel as soon as I get off the phone and we will do back to back IUI's tomorrow and Friday. If there's no LH surge, then I'll trigger tonight and the IUI will be on Friday morning.

I am nervous. We have about a 25% chance of actually getting pregnant from the IUI. So, I'm trying not to hold out too much hope, but hope is there. Our goal is to have a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy live baby. I will do whatever it takes to get us there.

And then there were 3

Had another ultrasound and blood work today. The experience was completely different than Saturday's appointment. Everyone was nice and welcoming. The nurse who did my blood work was awesome and appalled at the treatment I had received on Saturday. Then the ultrasound was with my RE, not just the RE on duty. He has such a good bedside manner, he put me at ease immediately. And, it looks like the pure.gon is working. I had 1 follie on my right ovary (1.5) and two on my left (1.5 and 1.6). I am to give myself one more injection tonight and go back tomorrow for a final blood work/ultrasound. Tomorrow night should be trigger and Friday should be the IUI.

I am definitely feeling a little better. It's nice to know that my ovaries responded to the medication the way they are supposed to.

I don't know how this IUI will go, what the outcome will be, but I am hopeful that if it doesn't work this time that it will be successful in the future.

I read another IFer's post yesterday about how she went back over her posts and how they sounded bipolar. I can completely relate... one minute I'm up, the next I'm down. This whole fertility thing is really a big roller coaster of emotions.