Feeling Blue

I’m such a loser. I get my hopes up every time and every time I am disappointed. Due to the recent chemical pregnancies (that I now believe can’t possibly have happened because my body just doesn’t get pregnant – chemically or otherwise) at the recommendation of my naturopath I took progesterone supplements during my luteal phase. Well of course, this month my body decided to act all whacky. I had a huge temp drop on CD11 (my usual ovulation time) but then I didn’t have the rise that usually follows. I eventually did O on CD16. The amount of sex that we had was insane and not that great quality towards the end as I’m sure you can understand.

I’ve been on the progesterone, but my temp dropped yesterday and went back up today. But, today was 14DPO – test day. I hate taking the tests because I know I’m just going to be disappointed. So, last night after FIL’s girlfriend’s funeral we stopped at a Shop.pers Drug.mart so I could buy a test. To add insult to injury, the tests were behind the pharmacy counter and I had to ask a pharmacist to get me the test. WTF?! I have never seen HPTs kept behind the pharmacy counter. I decided to go with the FRER digital because I had never used that type so it remained untainted in my brain.

Got up this morning with FMU – peed and after 3 minutes it said –NO. There were no tears, no moaning about it just not being fair. Just a small sigh, and the onset of a blue mood. Of course I’m not fucking pregnant.

Tonight I stop the progesterone and tomorrow or Sunday I’ll get my period, call in Day 1 to the clinic and we’ll move down the road to IUI#2. Can’t wait to become a pin cushion again.

I wanted to post about this all week and let it out… but I feared that I would jinx myself. Ha. What’s there to jinx? The outcome actually has to have a possibility of coming true in order to be jinxed.

I already feel like the IUI is not going to work. I hate being this negative, but I just feel like it’s never going to happen. I look at H and think he’s never going to be a father and it’s my fault. My stupid fucking body decided it was old before it’s time. I have no idea why this happened… the doctors have no idea why this happened. I just feel like I have missed my chance.

Well That Sucked

Not a fan of Bri.de W.ars, really really did not like that movie. It had its moments, and the potential was there for it to be a good movie, but it really fell short of that.

We went to that 50's inspired diner - loved the atmosphere, but it was a total rip off. Almost $8 for a burger... you read that correctly. You don't get any sides with it. We ordered onion rings and they were considered an appetizer. So, you get the onion rings, eat them and then 15 minutes later you get your burger. $11 bucks total for a crappy burger and so-so onion rings.

The high point of the evening was getting to spend some time with the girls. It's always great to see them.

I think one of the main reasons I didn't like this movie was that I wasn't their target audience. I wasn't one of those little girls that dreamed about her wedding day and had it all planned out, just waiting to insert the man of my dreams into my plans.

SPOILER ALERT:

As a fertility challenged woman, I really didn't appreciate the ending - where they're both spontaneaously pregnant and due on the same day. Barf!

Movie Talk

I haven’t been posting a lot here because I don’t really have a lot to say. One day is pretty much the same as the next as far as IF stuff goes. We’re (I’m) readying ourselves for another IUI with inject. but there’s still a while before that happens. I was talking with my naturopath today and she was saying that my cycles today are completely different than a year ago when I started seeing her. I hope that means good things will happen this year.

On a completely different note, we saw The Wre.stler on Friday night. I’m still not sure exactly how I felt about it. I did like the movie and Mickey Ro.urke is great in it as is Mar.isa To.mei (although I didn’t quite expect all of the nudity). It’s pretty depressing. I was a big wrestling fan back in the 80’s and he has the mannerisms down to a ‘t’. There were a couple parts that H. and I thought were funny, but we were the only ones in the theatre laughing. That reminds me… when we go to the theatre it was packed! There were people everywhere and announcements were made over the P.A. that some move was sold out or it was front row seating only. I thought, “Crap! We’re not going to get in or we’re going to have to be all jammed in”. Then I listened more closely to the announcement – that Mall Cop movie was the one that sold out. There were about 50 people in our 300 seat theatre watching our movie. What does that say about our society?! Mall Cop – really?!?

All this movie talk reminds me that tonight I’m going out with the girls to a 50’s inspired diner for dinner followed by a movie. We’re going to see Brid.e War.s . I’m not really keen on the idea – it looks like a rental at best, but I’m not going to be the one who complains so brid.e war.s it is. I’ll let you know how it is.

Nominate a hero

I saw a Nominate your hero link on a news website today and I got to thinking about who I would nominate as my hero. I think it would have to be my Mom. Not because she did anything out of the ordinary, but because what she did was so steadfast and ordinary. She’s just always been there for me. For support and love and guidance and a few stern words when necessary. She worked full time out of the home and full-time in the home. We never had packaged foods – all of our meals were made from scratch even after working a full day in the office. We never had white bread or margarine. I don’t think I had a slice of Won.der bread until I was in my 20’s. She showed me what it means to be an independent woman after being brought up in a low-income home that held some violence. She told me once that when she and my Dad got together that she said “If you ever hit me, you better hit me hard and make it count because you’ll never get the chance again.” She was 23 when she had me and I was a surprise. She never made me feel unwanted or regretted the choices that she made, but she always let me know that there are choices for me. When I’m in the kitchen cooking, I notice how I hold the spoon the same way or dice vegetables just like she did. I put my makeup on the same way I saw here putting on hers. I notice how we have the same hands, and we have the same expressions. Everyone seems to worry about growing up to be like their mother. Of course there are some things that I don’t want to continue, but for the most part if I grow into being like her (even more) I am pretty ok with that.

I Just Can't Help Myself

I post on a message board pretty regularly and have recently discovered that I know one of the women in “real” life. She’s talking about TTC and she’s on her first month of actually trying. I find that I am totally addicted to reading her posts to find out where she is in her cycle, what’s happening etc. She is much younger than me; I’m talking 10 to 12 years younger. So of course she’s going to get pregnant right away. It’s kind of like watching a car wreck. I just can’t stop myself from looking.

To add to this, my cycle’s all weird. It looked like my body geared up to O on CD12. I had tons of EWCM, a big drop in temperature, and then a temp rise of .3 degrees – so I’m thinking here we go. Well, I still have some EWCM, my cervix is still high, soft and open, and my temps have flat lined. No crosshairs on FF – looks like my body is still trying to O on CD 15. I have those handy-dandy progesterone suppositories just sitting there taunting me, waiting for me to O. I have no idea what’s going on with my body. Another little mindfuck from the fertility gods.

My Rainbow

I got this idea from Get Pregnant.

My rainbow is kind of fugly, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised because yellow is one of my favourite colours. I bet that on a different day in a different mood it would be very different.

Your rainbow is shaded yellow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is says about you: You are a joyful person. You appreciate optimism. You're good at getting people to like you.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Putting Your Foot in It

I think putting your foot in it is a natural part of life. There are those gaffs that we make that the minute they’re out of your mouth you’d like to take back. Today one such thing happened to me… prior to a meeting at work a group of us were sitting around talking. A friend mentioned he had watched Tro.pic Thund.er on the weekend. I loved this movie – very funny and not very p.c. in places. Well, I say to the guy “what did you think of the full retard bit” (like I said the movie is NOT pc). Just as I said it I remembered that his sister has down’s syndrome. Of course, he said that he didn’t like it and I felt like I should crawl into a hole. Open mouth insert foot.

I was sort of on the receiving end of this on the weekend. I was getting my hair done and my hairdresser and I were shooting the shit. We start talking about friends that are pregnant etc. Then she mentions that one of the other hairdresser’s sister in law is infertile and how she’s done the full gamut of things and still hasn’t gotten pregnant. And all she really needs to do is… wait for it…. Relax. Because if she’d just relax there would be such a better chance for her to get pregnant. And, she’d be so much less touchy about the whole subject.

Well off I went. I identified myself as an infertile. Then proceeded to tell my hairdresser to never ever say that to her because it’s the worst thing an infertile can be told. Then I went on a diatribe about how being told to relax implies that your fertility is something that you can control and the next thing that’s almost as bad is being told to go on a vacation. Then on to how women are always blamed as being the reason a couple can’t get pregnant and the invasive treatments. And, how it should really start with the man ‘cause if he’s shooting blanks there’s not going to be any point sending them away with a prescription of clo.mid. And on, and on. Then finally I caught myself, I think I stopped mid-sentence and said “Sorry – I just know way too much about this stuff” and changed the subject. The poor girl didn’t know what had hit her.

Guess I was due some of my own today.

I got "that" call

I got the phone call that I’ve been dreading and expecting and looking forward to last night. It was my friend L. calling to tell me that she and her husband are expecting. The baby is due July 7/09. She wanted me to be the first of the group to know because all the girls are getting together tonight and she’s announcing it and she didn’t want me to be blindsided. Very thoughtful. Of course, I said all of the right things and expressed my excitement for her (not very well, I don’t think, but I tried). After I got off the phone, I called H. and cried. He told me it’s ok to cry and that it will be all the more special when we do get pregnant. I love him.

Today, I have absorbed the information. I am truly happy for her and her hubby. She’s had a really tough year. Her mother died suddenly of undiagnosed lung cancer a year to the day prior to when she found out she was pregnant. There’s a certain symmetry to that.

Of course, me being me, I did the math and realized that she got pregnant the same month that I had my first chemical. I would have been due July 20th. We would have been pregnant together. Another dagger in the heart.

But, I’m looking to the future, not looking back.

ETA: Thank-you to those of you who have left comments, for your support. It really does mean the world to me!

Guilt

I went in for my acupuncture appointment today; she took one look at my chart and said “So you were pregnant”. She also said that I need progesterone support. She said this after the first chemical and I did not listen to her. Fuck.

So, as soon as I got back to my office I made a call to my fertility clinic explaining that I’ve had 2 chemicals in 3 cycles and that I believe I need progesterone support. The nurse said that she’d talk to the dr. and if he agrees that I can get it at their office.

“If he agrees”… he better agree or they’re going to have one seriously pissed patient on their hands. I don’t know if this is true everywhere, but in Ontario progesterone is only available via a prescription.

Do I need to detail the guilt that I’m feeling? Potentially, if I had made that call prior to my last cycle I could still be pregnant right now.

I know there are many reasons that chemicals can happen – it could be my eggs, it could be a problem with the embryo etc. So, I’m just going to try to move on from here. Do what I need to do to take care of myself and not look back.

On a side note, I lost half a pound over Christmas. I wasn’t particularly careful, but didn’t go crazy either. I started Wei.ght Wa.tchers yesterday, and so far so good. It’s always so easy to jump in when it’s the beginning; I know that down the road I may need a little support.

Resolutions

I’m slowly moving past the last failed cycle. I keep thinking – was it actually a chemical or is my mind so powerful, the constant wishing for success, that I was able to delay my period. Who knows? If my mind is that powerful, wouldn’t I be pregnant by now?! For whatever reason, it just wasn’t meant to be at this time. So, we keep moving and trying, and get ready for IUI#2 – I’m on cycle 29 and it will take place cycle 30. I’m sure we’ll do the pure.gon again. I don’t see why they’d change my protocol.

Ah, but to the title of my post – Resolutions. I don’t usually have resolutions because I very rarely stick to them. So this year I’ve set out goals for the year rather than specific resolutions. They are, in no particular order:

1. Lose 60lbs by the end of 2009.
2. Finish my university degree.
3. Have a healthy baby (or at least be pregnant so that we’ll end up with a healthy baby in 2010).
4. Pay off a couple of my credit cards.

All of these things, except the baby, are within my control.

I have more than 60lbs to lose, but I felt like that’s a pretty good goal. If I lose 10lbs every two months I’ll be there. It seems really doable to me. I’m going to work out a minimum of 4 times a week and I’m going to watch what I eat. I am considering doing Weig.ht W.atchers because I’ve been successful with it in the past. Whatever I choose it has to be something that I’m going to stick with.

I dropped out of university after my 2nd year and went back a couple of years ago. I’m completing a BofEd in Adult Education. I have 3 more courses to complete it. I know I can do it!!

As to the paying off of the credit cards, both DH and I have rather elaborate spreadsheets that detail our budget (he keeps our joint budget). I have set out a great plan to pay off 2 credit cards this year and by the middle of 2010, if all goes as planned, I should have all of my debt paid off. I feel like a burden has been lifted already with just having the plan in place.

Now I get to the baby. I figure that working towards losing 60lbs will put me in a better situation physically to get pregnant. H. & I will do what we have to do to make this a reality for us. I’ll shoot myself with whatever I need to shoot myself with to give us the best odds. I’m just going to try and think positively. There’s not a lot more that we can do.

It's Over

I'm talking about 2008 and cycle #28. Looks like another chemical. I'll never know for sure because of my aversion for poas, but in my heart I know. This is the thing I had going on. The thing I couldn't bring myself to talk about.

Happy New Year. Hopefully 2009 will be a much better year.