A Bad Case

I've got a bad case of the "what if's". I've been waiting and waiting for our appointment with the new fertility clinic and Dr. H 2.0 on Friday. It's almost here and now I'm getting nervous. This year I had my highest FSH reading to date - 19.9 - and I'm worried that it's keeping climbing. What if he looks at my file and tells me "oops so sorry you've waited too long" or he tells me he can't help us? What if he tells us we need to go to donor eggs and I've already turned my cousin down on her offer? What if there's more to our problems than we originally realized?

What if the fucking files don't get to his office in time for the appointment on Friday? I called today and they need 4 days to release them. 4 days?! I have asked them for a rush and am hoping that they'll get off their behinds and take care of it.

Sigh. I know, relax, right.

On another note, I've decided to write a letter to the last clinic and let them know why we have chosen another clinic. I initially did not want to do this, but I need to get it out. So, maybe if I post it here, you could critique it. And, maybe just airing it here will take away my need to send it off.

Here goes nothing:

I am writing to let you know why my husband and I have chosen to seek treatment at a different clinic. This letter has no reflection on the nurses, lab and reception staff as we found all were helpful, friendly and considerate. For the record, I am not leaving your clinic’s care because of my latest failed cycle. If I had received the care that I was looking for the outcome of the cycle would not have mattered.

I was under the impression that Dr.(insert name) was my doctor through this process and was surprised to have a follow up appointment with Dr. (insert name #2). He informed me that all of the doctors care for all of the patients and that there is no specific doctor assigned to each patient. Dealing with infertility is an emotional and often stressful time, not having a specific person that is “in your corner” was a surprise to me and not what I thought I was paying for. It made me feel like my husband and I were there to navigate the medical system on our own and that no one had a vested interest in getting us pregnant, although, obviously there was a financial interest. I am moving to a clinic where I will have dedicated care; there will be one doctor responsible for my file.

Having dealt with sexual abuse in the past, I have never gone to a male doctor for any of my gynecological exams. It was something I knew that I would have to get past as in the fertility field the majority of the doctors are male. I found it very unnerving to go in for ultrasounds and have a new doctor in there doing the ultrasound. Perhaps when you are having a new doctor do ultrasounds you can make sure that he is introduced appropriately to the patients. Saying "this is dr. so and so" doesn’t go a long way to making the patient feel comfortable. This situation was partly my fault as I should have spoken up for myself at the time.

The biggest factor in leaving your practice was the conversation that my husband and I had with Dr. (insert name#2) after our egg retrieval where only one egg had been retrieved. We were talking to him about where we go from here and he decided that it was a good time to tell us that perhaps “it wasn’t in God’s plans” for us to get pregnant. And then proceeded to tell me about a former patient that was in her 40’s that had several failed cycles (I’m 38, had one IUI fail and one IVF fail in a little over a year of being at your clinic) and had given up on fertility treatments. She went on vacation and got pregnant, but at 7 months (or sometime later in the pregnancy) was experiencing chest pains. Went to the doctor to be told she was fine and then died of a blown aortic valve which was missed because of the baby blocking the view. This story was completely inappropriate and insensitive. Both my husband and I were in shock and did not know how to react to what we had just been told.

I did not appreciate feeling like I was in a factory moving through the line and forking out thousands of dollars for a lecture on what may or may not be in God’s plans for me. We have set realistic boundaries on what we are willing to do, what to put ourselves through to try and achieve our dream. We are going to fight to get pregnant and we are going to make sure we have someone with us who is firmly in our corner.

That's it. I don't know how to end it. Thoughts?