The BCP is making me feel like I'm pregnant. I'm emotional (crying at the drop of a hat), I feel bloated and full and my boobs are sore. The things we put our body through to get pregnant! I have already forgotten to take my pill twice. Very irresponsible of me. But, I figure I'm not trying to prevent pregnancy, just getting the timing down for my DE cycle so I'm all good.
Still feeling better, I was lying in bed talking with H last night and explaining how much lighter I felt. The acupuncture relieved so much of the built up tension in my body. I slept really well last night as well. Which is good since I have a big night planned for this evening.
It's one of my best friend's 40th birthday next week. We are holding a girls' night for her tonight. We've rented a suite at a hotel downtown and are having a big pyjama party. We're going to listen to 80's music and watch 80's movies. We're going to eat junk food and hang out. We're also having a manicurist come to the room to give us manis. It's going to be so much fun! I'm in charge of the cake, so I went to an awesome little cupcake shop in the Beach (a neighbourhood in Toronto) and got two dozen mini cupcakes - half double chocolate and half lemon. Yum! I was going to bake them myself, but I can't ice them as well as the professionals and I wanted something a little nicer for my girl T.
Then next weekend is my little bro's 30th birthday. I'm helping to plan it with his girlfriend. We've never communicated this much. She's a really nice girl and wants to throw a good surprise party. The only thing is she doesn't really have the funds to do so. So, H&I have stepped up as have my parents. So, we're having it at a pub, we've ordered the food and reserved the space (and got a fabulous deal!). I went on to P's facebook and got a picture from his profile. It's one where he's used and age enhancing program. We are printing up the picture and making it into masks. So when he gets there everyone will have one up to wear as a part of the surprise. I mocked one up the other day and it was pretty frightful!!! He's going to love it!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Feeling Better
After my post the other day, I was worried that I would have alienated all of you. Thank-you for all of your comments, they mean a lot to me.
I think I need to let everything hang out - warts and all - every once in a while. It is freeing. Unfortunately, my time has been spent ignoring how I'm feeling. H. called me out last night - he said that when I get home I bury my head in a book or watching tv or in my knitting - that I'm not doing anything. I have a course I'm supposed to be completing and I have a goal to lose weight before our trip, but I'm just a lump. He's right, but it's not intentional, it's because I feel frozen and over-whelmed. But, I just have to DO something and the rest will come. So, that's what I'm going to do. Just DO something - like read a chapter of my course, and take the puppies for walks.
Oh ya, my title says I'm feeling better. I am. After my appointment with my GP I had already felt like the world had lifted a little from my shoulders. Then, I wrote that post and let me demons hang out for all to see. That was very freeing and also dimished the power of my negative, anxious thoughts. Today, I saw my amazingly awesome Naturopath. I heart her! Our appointments start the same way, she asks me how I am, and I blab (told her all about the stuff that had been making me batty), then she asks me to lie down on the table and she puts in my needles. Today's points were in both shins, outside of both wrists, between the eyes, 3 in my belly, and one in the top of my head. At this point, she usually leaves me alone, but not today. Today she just sat with me and asked me questions about how I'm doing etc. She told me about other patients that have gone through donor egg and how they felt. Then the needles in my wrists were hurting in a sharp not so good way so she took them out. We talked a little more and then the session was over. She took all of the needles out and the one in my head and the one between my eyes bled. The one between my eyes was particularly bad and was throbbing. This is a major stress point which just confirmed everything that I had told her. Before I left she recommended I take Valericalm by St. Francis. She said that it is not an anti-depressant, but it just takes the edge off things. I'm willing to give it a shot.
The acupuncture worked wonders for me. I have been feeling like there's someone sitting on my chest and now I don't have that feeling at all. The pressure has lifted. I don't know if you have tried acupuncture, but I am a true believer!
I think I need to let everything hang out - warts and all - every once in a while. It is freeing. Unfortunately, my time has been spent ignoring how I'm feeling. H. called me out last night - he said that when I get home I bury my head in a book or watching tv or in my knitting - that I'm not doing anything. I have a course I'm supposed to be completing and I have a goal to lose weight before our trip, but I'm just a lump. He's right, but it's not intentional, it's because I feel frozen and over-whelmed. But, I just have to DO something and the rest will come. So, that's what I'm going to do. Just DO something - like read a chapter of my course, and take the puppies for walks.
Oh ya, my title says I'm feeling better. I am. After my appointment with my GP I had already felt like the world had lifted a little from my shoulders. Then, I wrote that post and let me demons hang out for all to see. That was very freeing and also dimished the power of my negative, anxious thoughts. Today, I saw my amazingly awesome Naturopath. I heart her! Our appointments start the same way, she asks me how I am, and I blab (told her all about the stuff that had been making me batty), then she asks me to lie down on the table and she puts in my needles. Today's points were in both shins, outside of both wrists, between the eyes, 3 in my belly, and one in the top of my head. At this point, she usually leaves me alone, but not today. Today she just sat with me and asked me questions about how I'm doing etc. She told me about other patients that have gone through donor egg and how they felt. Then the needles in my wrists were hurting in a sharp not so good way so she took them out. We talked a little more and then the session was over. She took all of the needles out and the one in my head and the one between my eyes bled. The one between my eyes was particularly bad and was throbbing. This is a major stress point which just confirmed everything that I had told her. Before I left she recommended I take Valericalm by St. Francis. She said that it is not an anti-depressant, but it just takes the edge off things. I'm willing to give it a shot.
The acupuncture worked wonders for me. I have been feeling like there's someone sitting on my chest and now I don't have that feeling at all. The pressure has lifted. I don't know if you have tried acupuncture, but I am a true believer!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Slightly Going Crazy Am I ...
Two posts in one day, I'm such an overachiever! I went to the doctor today because I have been having weird things happen. Ever since I had the heart attack that wasn't, I have been feeling weird. Panicky, anxious and jumping to the assumption that every pain I felt was going to land me back in the hospital. I don't sleep well and when I do sleep I'm in weird positions. My hands are always over my head so my shoulders and back are stiff. This will lead to pains in my side or back and I will automatically assume I'm having a heart attack. I am disproportionately worried about things that I would have ignored in the past. Lately, I've had a dry hacking cough. No phlegm or anything green in colour (sorry for the gory details). I had a feeling it may be post nasal drip or something like that. But, the illogical over-worried, anxious part of my brain was imagining that it was cancer or a clot. I'd have to talk myself out of panic attacks almost on a daily basis. Now I'm taking BCP and there are side effects of blood clots. Today I had a cramp in my left calf and almost went spinning out of control thinking it was a blood clot.
Added to this is the infertility stuff, the worries about donor eggs and also the short-comings of the medical care here. I have to have a lupron depot shot and a transvaginal ultrasound before I go to the CR. My doctor refused to be of any assistance, which has just added to my stress level.
And, on top of all of this, I have stopped going to acupuncture. The one thing that actually has really helped my handle my stress levels.
So, today I went to my dr.'s office (which is also a walk-in) and she saw me within 20 minutes. I explained everything to her and she was so good. Talked me down and told me my options. First, I have post nasal drip and she's prescribed a nasal spray that is supposed to help. Secondly, she referred me to a special clinic for women dealing with reproductive issues (post-partum, pregnanacy related etc) - it is a pscyhology clinic. Thirdly, she showed me where I have to give myself the needle and finally, she referred me for a transvaginal ultrasound. Just speaking with her helped calm me down.
Logically, I know that I'm stressed, but I didn't grasp the extent of it.
Now I know I'm ok from a health standpoint. I will wait to hear from the clinic and I am going to make an appointment for acupuncture for Thursday. I thought I was dealing really well with this crap. I read that book and have been using the deep breathing techniques. I guess I really just buried my head in the sand.
There's really no point to this post other than to just be honest with myself. I haven't been handling things very well and I finally got up the nerve to deal with it.
Added to this is the infertility stuff, the worries about donor eggs and also the short-comings of the medical care here. I have to have a lupron depot shot and a transvaginal ultrasound before I go to the CR. My doctor refused to be of any assistance, which has just added to my stress level.
And, on top of all of this, I have stopped going to acupuncture. The one thing that actually has really helped my handle my stress levels.
So, today I went to my dr.'s office (which is also a walk-in) and she saw me within 20 minutes. I explained everything to her and she was so good. Talked me down and told me my options. First, I have post nasal drip and she's prescribed a nasal spray that is supposed to help. Secondly, she referred me to a special clinic for women dealing with reproductive issues (post-partum, pregnanacy related etc) - it is a pscyhology clinic. Thirdly, she showed me where I have to give myself the needle and finally, she referred me for a transvaginal ultrasound. Just speaking with her helped calm me down.
Logically, I know that I'm stressed, but I didn't grasp the extent of it.
Now I know I'm ok from a health standpoint. I will wait to hear from the clinic and I am going to make an appointment for acupuncture for Thursday. I thought I was dealing really well with this crap. I read that book and have been using the deep breathing techniques. I guess I really just buried my head in the sand.
There's really no point to this post other than to just be honest with myself. I haven't been handling things very well and I finally got up the nerve to deal with it.
Full Disclosure
I went home last night and sat on the couch and didn't move. I did not lift a single finger to clean anything. I will have to give it a try again tonight.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Cleaning House
I was inspired by Fran to clean up my blogroll. (Thanks for the motivation!) I have removed a few blogs that hadn't had any new posts for months (if you want to be added back, please let me know) and I also added a few new blogs that I have been following for a while. I use bloglines.com to be notified of new posts and lately it hasn't been working very well, so I'm going to go back to using my blogroll.
This little bit of reorganization as well as this post over at Just add Eggs has motivated me to clean up our spare room. You know the one, it's the room that was originally set out to be the nursery back when you were starting TTC. That room that has now turned into the storage/library/ironing room. Well at least that's what has happened at our house. We have a small one and a half storey war time house (built in 1944), there are two bedrooms and no baths upstairs. There is a full apartment in the basement where my father in law lives and that leaves very little storage room for us. We have generally used the spare room upstairs as the catchall for all of the stuff that we're not quite sure what to do with, boxes of papers that have to be gone through, book cases and the blow up bed. The closet holds our luggage, my wedding dress and golf clubs amongst other things. I also use it as the room to hang dry clothes and a place to do the ironing.
There is a part of me that's been a little gunshy about cleaning out this room. You know the whole tempting fate mentality. I don't want to seem too presumptuous and clean out the room in the face of all of the issues we've had so far attempting to get pregnant. Lately there is a whole other school of thought that I am leaning towards. This one is telling me that by leaving the room as is, we are telling the world, the fates, the whatever that's out there, that we don't expect to be successful. I think it's time to start going through the room and cleaning it out. It's time to make room in our house for our future baby. It will be a physical manifestation of the room I've already made in my heart.
Hmmm, do I sound crazy? Is this making me sound like I'm grasping at straws?
And, for full disclosure, there's a part of me that knows that one day I will be pregnant and at that time, I won't want to deal with the mess. So, wish me luck, I'm starting tonight.
This little bit of reorganization as well as this post over at Just add Eggs has motivated me to clean up our spare room. You know the one, it's the room that was originally set out to be the nursery back when you were starting TTC. That room that has now turned into the storage/library/ironing room. Well at least that's what has happened at our house. We have a small one and a half storey war time house (built in 1944), there are two bedrooms and no baths upstairs. There is a full apartment in the basement where my father in law lives and that leaves very little storage room for us. We have generally used the spare room upstairs as the catchall for all of the stuff that we're not quite sure what to do with, boxes of papers that have to be gone through, book cases and the blow up bed. The closet holds our luggage, my wedding dress and golf clubs amongst other things. I also use it as the room to hang dry clothes and a place to do the ironing.
There is a part of me that's been a little gunshy about cleaning out this room. You know the whole tempting fate mentality. I don't want to seem too presumptuous and clean out the room in the face of all of the issues we've had so far attempting to get pregnant. Lately there is a whole other school of thought that I am leaning towards. This one is telling me that by leaving the room as is, we are telling the world, the fates, the whatever that's out there, that we don't expect to be successful. I think it's time to start going through the room and cleaning it out. It's time to make room in our house for our future baby. It will be a physical manifestation of the room I've already made in my heart.
Hmmm, do I sound crazy? Is this making me sound like I'm grasping at straws?
And, for full disclosure, there's a part of me that knows that one day I will be pregnant and at that time, I won't want to deal with the mess. So, wish me luck, I'm starting tonight.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Kindness of Almost Strangers
Yesterday H. and I went to M&J's place. They are the friends of my parents who were helping us get information about the CR and what we can expect when we get there. H. had volunteered to help J with something technology related and then we were going to look at some maps of where we are staying in Prague and M&J were going to point out places of interest around there for us.
Well, to our complete shock, M&J have given us their apartment in Prague to stay in. It's central to everything. We even have the keys already. They also gave us tickets for the streetcar and almost $200 CDN worth of the Czech money (Kc). We were completely flabbergasted by their generosity. I still can't quite believe it. They are giving us a cell phone to use while we're there as well. It's really almost more than I can take in.
As we were leaving, H & I were talking about how we were shocked by everything that had just happened. And, how it must be from their end of things. I mean J. is from the CR and as a couple they couldn't have children. Now 20-ish years later, we are going to J's homeland for a procedure that has a 60% chance of working. It must open up old wounds for them. I feel horrible for having any impact on M this way. We're kindred spirits and I would hate to be causing her any pain.
I would really like to find a way to thank them for their generosity. Where do we even begin? Do we send them a card now, or wait until after the trip? Or do both? what is appropriate - a card? flowers? dinner out?
Well, to our complete shock, M&J have given us their apartment in Prague to stay in. It's central to everything. We even have the keys already. They also gave us tickets for the streetcar and almost $200 CDN worth of the Czech money (Kc). We were completely flabbergasted by their generosity. I still can't quite believe it. They are giving us a cell phone to use while we're there as well. It's really almost more than I can take in.
As we were leaving, H & I were talking about how we were shocked by everything that had just happened. And, how it must be from their end of things. I mean J. is from the CR and as a couple they couldn't have children. Now 20-ish years later, we are going to J's homeland for a procedure that has a 60% chance of working. It must open up old wounds for them. I feel horrible for having any impact on M this way. We're kindred spirits and I would hate to be causing her any pain.
I would really like to find a way to thank them for their generosity. Where do we even begin? Do we send them a card now, or wait until after the trip? Or do both? what is appropriate - a card? flowers? dinner out?
Friday, January 22, 2010
What a Difference a Day Makes
Thank-you for all of the comments, hugs and support! They really helped me through one of the roughest IF days I've had in quite a while. I am doing better today, no tears at all. H. was amazing yesterday, he called and checked on me to make sure I was okay because he had a class last night so he would be going straight there from work. Except he didn't because he surprised me and showed up at our sliding glass door last night just to give me a hug to cheer me up. And, he came bearing gifts. He bought me the most divine box of chocolates and truffles to help get me through the night. We shared a couple before he had to go to class. He's definitely a keeper!
I am still torn about moving on without my eggs. There is a part of me that thinks "what if", but I know that what I really want is to be a Mom and my best chance is through DE. It is the right road for me. I took my first BCP last night at 9pm and will do so every night until I'm told it's time for my Lupron shot.
I think I'm going to enjoy this little TTC break while I wait for donor eggs. I have a 30th birthday and a 40th birthday party to attend in the next few weeks and I won't have to worry about having a drink or two.
Anyway, thank-you thank-you thank-you for all of you love and support. It means the world to me.
I am still torn about moving on without my eggs. There is a part of me that thinks "what if", but I know that what I really want is to be a Mom and my best chance is through DE. It is the right road for me. I took my first BCP last night at 9pm and will do so every night until I'm told it's time for my Lupron shot.
I think I'm going to enjoy this little TTC break while I wait for donor eggs. I have a 30th birthday and a 40th birthday party to attend in the next few weeks and I won't have to worry about having a drink or two.
Anyway, thank-you thank-you thank-you for all of you love and support. It means the world to me.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Floating Away on my Tears
I’m out. No miracle for me. On CD18 or so there was light pink when I went to the bathroom first thing this morning. I couldn’t stop the tears; despite my best efforts and the lives of many Kleenexes I just couldn’t dam the flow. My make-up was ruined and I didn’t even bother to re-apply. I was still crying in the car on the way to work. It wasn’t the deep soul shattering tears, just the ones that seem to keep flowing, like there’s tap that’s been left turned on behind your eyeballs. Of course, all of that crying gave me a headache. H. told me I should stay home, but I was stubborn and wanted to just get myself together and go to work. There’s a part of me that just doesn’t want to have to deal with this shit. Now, that I’m at work I realize I should not be here. I look like hell, bloodshot eyes and all, and my mind is not in it.
On the drive to work, H and I talked about the different paths that our lives have taken. H’s Mom got cancer when he was 12 or 13 and died when he was 16. He learned early that we are not in control of our lives and that despite wanting things badly you don’t always get them. I on the other hand have lived a pretty charmed life. There have been set backs, but for the most part I have never really had to try very hard to make things happen for me. Until now. I also haven’t really wanted anything quite as much as I want a baby. Now is the time that I must learn that lesson – you can’t always get what you want. It sucks and it’s hard and there are times I just want to give up. But, I want a baby more.
I am so sad that I won’t have a genetic connection to my baby. I am so angry that my body doesn’t work like most women’s bodies do. I am so angry at myself for some of the choices I made in the past. I thought I had made my peace with using donor eggs that I had grieved the loss of my eggs; mourned what might have been. Apparently not so much.
Our conversation in the car this morning also brought something else into focus. I am so done with clinics and giving myself injections and popping pills and vitamins and Chinese herbs. I’m done with daily blood draws and internal exams and all of the bullshit that goes with that. I know that all those REs offer me are false hope and a roller coaster of emotions. I am sick of the constant cycle of hope and disappointment.
A dear blogfriend wrote this morning that she had made a connection to an infertility expert who deals with POF. There was so much hope radiating from her blog. For a moment I was stunned by it and jealousy shot through me at lightning speed. A part of me felt ripped off that I hadn’t found this man and given myself a better shot. You see that was what I thought I was doing when I went from Dr. H to Dr H2.0. Then I read about the vitamins and supplements that he suggested she take. I realized that there would most likely be more poking and prodding and realized again that I do not want that. There are no guarantees in life, if I had found him it doesn’t mean that things would have been different for me, it may have just meant that I spent more time in this personal hell. I realized that I am done being a hamster on that particular wheel. I hope this man works wonders for my blogfriend, that before the year is out she will be celebrating her pregnancy and awaiting the birth of her child. That is her path to travel and I’ve found mine.
I know that donor eggs may not work, there’s really only about a 60 to 70% chance of it working. There are no guarantees that after our trip in April that I will be pregnant.
But, the process is so much less invasive than what I’ve been going through that I am willing to give it a couple of shots.
Despite knowing that I’m doing the right thing for me, I’m still extremely sad (doesn’t seem a big enough word) that these are my circumstances. I’m still disoriented to find myself here. I really should just go home and cry.
Edited to Add: I really did think I was pregnant this month. I had crazy symptoms. Like cramping and the feeling of fullness, sore boobs, shooting pains in my boobs, acute smell, dizziness the list goes on. It's amazing the things the brain can produce when you want something so much.
On the drive to work, H and I talked about the different paths that our lives have taken. H’s Mom got cancer when he was 12 or 13 and died when he was 16. He learned early that we are not in control of our lives and that despite wanting things badly you don’t always get them. I on the other hand have lived a pretty charmed life. There have been set backs, but for the most part I have never really had to try very hard to make things happen for me. Until now. I also haven’t really wanted anything quite as much as I want a baby. Now is the time that I must learn that lesson – you can’t always get what you want. It sucks and it’s hard and there are times I just want to give up. But, I want a baby more.
I am so sad that I won’t have a genetic connection to my baby. I am so angry that my body doesn’t work like most women’s bodies do. I am so angry at myself for some of the choices I made in the past. I thought I had made my peace with using donor eggs that I had grieved the loss of my eggs; mourned what might have been. Apparently not so much.
Our conversation in the car this morning also brought something else into focus. I am so done with clinics and giving myself injections and popping pills and vitamins and Chinese herbs. I’m done with daily blood draws and internal exams and all of the bullshit that goes with that. I know that all those REs offer me are false hope and a roller coaster of emotions. I am sick of the constant cycle of hope and disappointment.
A dear blogfriend wrote this morning that she had made a connection to an infertility expert who deals with POF. There was so much hope radiating from her blog. For a moment I was stunned by it and jealousy shot through me at lightning speed. A part of me felt ripped off that I hadn’t found this man and given myself a better shot. You see that was what I thought I was doing when I went from Dr. H to Dr H2.0. Then I read about the vitamins and supplements that he suggested she take. I realized that there would most likely be more poking and prodding and realized again that I do not want that. There are no guarantees in life, if I had found him it doesn’t mean that things would have been different for me, it may have just meant that I spent more time in this personal hell. I realized that I am done being a hamster on that particular wheel. I hope this man works wonders for my blogfriend, that before the year is out she will be celebrating her pregnancy and awaiting the birth of her child. That is her path to travel and I’ve found mine.
I know that donor eggs may not work, there’s really only about a 60 to 70% chance of it working. There are no guarantees that after our trip in April that I will be pregnant.
But, the process is so much less invasive than what I’ve been going through that I am willing to give it a couple of shots.
Despite knowing that I’m doing the right thing for me, I’m still extremely sad (doesn’t seem a big enough word) that these are my circumstances. I’m still disoriented to find myself here. I really should just go home and cry.
Edited to Add: I really did think I was pregnant this month. I had crazy symptoms. Like cramping and the feeling of fullness, sore boobs, shooting pains in my boobs, acute smell, dizziness the list goes on. It's amazing the things the brain can produce when you want something so much.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
What Will They Think of Next?
This article was on msnb.com today (source link is at the bottom)
Like Babies, Embryos Like to be Rocked Too.
Like babies that can be lulled to sleep with swaying, embryos also prefer to be rocked.
By gently rocking embryos while they grew during in vitro fertilization, scientists increased pregnancy rates in mice by more than 20 percent. The same rock-a-bye procedure could lead to more success for in vitro fertilization in humans, the researchers say.
"One of our goals for years now has been to modify how we grow embryos in the lab to be more like how they grow in the human body, because we know that the human body grows them most efficiently," said Gary Smith, associate professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.
Current IVF procedures involve joining an egg and sperm in a culture that incubates in a petri dish, remaining still, for a few days before the embryo gets placed into the woman's womb. That's nothing like what happens naturally in a woman's body, Smith said, where fluids are flowing and there's always movement.
Even so, that's what's out there, and the technique can help the one in six couples with infertility problems, Smith said. However, not only is IVF costly and often not covered by insurance, the success rate is only about 35 percent, Smith said.
"If we could increase that, even just to 45 percent, that's significant," Smith said. "We're making healthier embryos, which not only can improve pregnancy rates, but also could allow us to transfer fewer embryos per cycle and reduce the incidence of twins and triplets."
Smith and his colleagues built a device that imitates the motion embryos experience in the body as they make their way down a mammal's oviduct (a woman's Fallopian tube) to the uterus.
"By making the cells feel more at home, we get better cells, which is key to having better infertility treatment," said study researcher Shu Takayama, an associate professor of biomedical engineering at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.
The device consists of a thimble-sized funnel, and at the bottom of the funnel are tiny channels that allow nutrient-rich fluids to flow in and waste to move out.
The funnel sits on rows of Braille pins programmed to pulse up and down, pushing fluids in and out of the microchannels. The pulsing simulates motion in the body that ultimately pushes fertilized eggs into the uterus and flushes out an egg's waste products.
"It gets this periodic rocking or fluid flow," Takayama said. "The amazing thing is that the embryos seem to notice."
To test out the embryo cradle of sorts, the team incubated early-stage mouse embryos, each about the size of a pencil tip, in either a static dish (similar to current IVF methods) or in the new rocking device. They found the rocked embryos were much healthier and robust after four days compared with the still ones.
(For typical IVF procedures in humans, a woman's egg is fertilized with sperm in a petri dish and three to five days later the embryo is placed into the woman's womb, according to the National Institutes of Health.)
Source: Current IVF procedures involve joining an egg and sperm in a culture that incubates in a petri dish, remaining still, for a few days before the embryo gets placed into the woman's womb. That's nothing like what happens naturally in a woman's body, Smith said, where fluids are flowing and there's always movement.
Even so, that's what's out there, and the technique can help the one in six couples with infertility problems, Smith said. However, not only is IVF costly and often not covered by insurance, the success rate is only about 35 percent, Smith said.
"If we could increase that, even just to 45 percent, that's significant," Smith said. "We're making healthier embryos, which not only can improve pregnancy rates, but also could allow us to transfer fewer embryos per cycle and reduce the incidence of twins and triplets."
Smith and his colleagues built a device that imitates the motion embryos experience in the body as they make their way down a mammal's oviduct (a woman's Fallopian tube) to the uterus.
"By making the cells feel more at home, we get better cells, which is key to having better infertility treatment," said study researcher Shu Takayama, an associate professor of biomedical engineering at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.
The device consists of a thimble-sized funnel, and at the bottom of the funnel are tiny channels that allow nutrient-rich fluids to flow in and waste to move out.
The funnel sits on rows of Braille pins programmed to pulse up and down, pushing fluids in and out of the microchannels. The pulsing simulates motion in the body that ultimately pushes fertilized eggs into the uterus and flushes out an egg's waste products.
"It gets this periodic rocking or fluid flow," Takayama said. "The amazing thing is that the embryos seem to notice."
To test out the embryo cradle of sorts, the team incubated early-stage mouse embryos, each about the size of a pencil tip, in either a static dish (similar to current IVF methods) or in the new rocking device. They found the rocked embryos were much healthier and robust after four days compared with the still ones.
(For typical IVF procedures in humans, a woman's egg is fertilized with sperm in a petri dish and three to five days later the embryo is placed into the woman's womb, according to the National Institutes of Health.)
Source
Like Babies, Embryos Like to be Rocked Too.
Like babies that can be lulled to sleep with swaying, embryos also prefer to be rocked.
By gently rocking embryos while they grew during in vitro fertilization, scientists increased pregnancy rates in mice by more than 20 percent. The same rock-a-bye procedure could lead to more success for in vitro fertilization in humans, the researchers say.
"One of our goals for years now has been to modify how we grow embryos in the lab to be more like how they grow in the human body, because we know that the human body grows them most efficiently," said Gary Smith, associate professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.
Current IVF procedures involve joining an egg and sperm in a culture that incubates in a petri dish, remaining still, for a few days before the embryo gets placed into the woman's womb. That's nothing like what happens naturally in a woman's body, Smith said, where fluids are flowing and there's always movement.
Even so, that's what's out there, and the technique can help the one in six couples with infertility problems, Smith said. However, not only is IVF costly and often not covered by insurance, the success rate is only about 35 percent, Smith said.
"If we could increase that, even just to 45 percent, that's significant," Smith said. "We're making healthier embryos, which not only can improve pregnancy rates, but also could allow us to transfer fewer embryos per cycle and reduce the incidence of twins and triplets."
Smith and his colleagues built a device that imitates the motion embryos experience in the body as they make their way down a mammal's oviduct (a woman's Fallopian tube) to the uterus.
"By making the cells feel more at home, we get better cells, which is key to having better infertility treatment," said study researcher Shu Takayama, an associate professor of biomedical engineering at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.
The device consists of a thimble-sized funnel, and at the bottom of the funnel are tiny channels that allow nutrient-rich fluids to flow in and waste to move out.
The funnel sits on rows of Braille pins programmed to pulse up and down, pushing fluids in and out of the microchannels. The pulsing simulates motion in the body that ultimately pushes fertilized eggs into the uterus and flushes out an egg's waste products.
"It gets this periodic rocking or fluid flow," Takayama said. "The amazing thing is that the embryos seem to notice."
To test out the embryo cradle of sorts, the team incubated early-stage mouse embryos, each about the size of a pencil tip, in either a static dish (similar to current IVF methods) or in the new rocking device. They found the rocked embryos were much healthier and robust after four days compared with the still ones.
(For typical IVF procedures in humans, a woman's egg is fertilized with sperm in a petri dish and three to five days later the embryo is placed into the woman's womb, according to the National Institutes of Health.)
Source: Current IVF procedures involve joining an egg and sperm in a culture that incubates in a petri dish, remaining still, for a few days before the embryo gets placed into the woman's womb. That's nothing like what happens naturally in a woman's body, Smith said, where fluids are flowing and there's always movement.
Even so, that's what's out there, and the technique can help the one in six couples with infertility problems, Smith said. However, not only is IVF costly and often not covered by insurance, the success rate is only about 35 percent, Smith said.
"If we could increase that, even just to 45 percent, that's significant," Smith said. "We're making healthier embryos, which not only can improve pregnancy rates, but also could allow us to transfer fewer embryos per cycle and reduce the incidence of twins and triplets."
Smith and his colleagues built a device that imitates the motion embryos experience in the body as they make their way down a mammal's oviduct (a woman's Fallopian tube) to the uterus.
"By making the cells feel more at home, we get better cells, which is key to having better infertility treatment," said study researcher Shu Takayama, an associate professor of biomedical engineering at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.
The device consists of a thimble-sized funnel, and at the bottom of the funnel are tiny channels that allow nutrient-rich fluids to flow in and waste to move out.
The funnel sits on rows of Braille pins programmed to pulse up and down, pushing fluids in and out of the microchannels. The pulsing simulates motion in the body that ultimately pushes fertilized eggs into the uterus and flushes out an egg's waste products.
"It gets this periodic rocking or fluid flow," Takayama said. "The amazing thing is that the embryos seem to notice."
To test out the embryo cradle of sorts, the team incubated early-stage mouse embryos, each about the size of a pencil tip, in either a static dish (similar to current IVF methods) or in the new rocking device. They found the rocked embryos were much healthier and robust after four days compared with the still ones.
(For typical IVF procedures in humans, a woman's egg is fertilized with sperm in a petri dish and three to five days later the embryo is placed into the woman's womb, according to the National Institutes of Health.)
Source
Monday, January 18, 2010
Yesterday we had lunch with my parents' friends, the ones who know Prague quite well. They did a lot of research for us, but most of the information regarding the clinic we knew already. They were very helpful with giving us ideas about what to do and where to stay when we're in Prague. J, who is from CR, was very stern giving me fatherly advice to "not be a tourist after the implant". He told me to hunker down in my hotel room and not do anything to ruin our chances. They both were so kind and their assistance was very appreciated.
We went to a restaurant in the city called Terroni's. It's aim is to serve authentic Italian food, not North American Italian. Even the juice/pop/soda are imported Italian products. I'm not a huge fan of their food, but yesterday was good. Maybe it was the company. J picked up the bill for the 6 of us which was extremely kind and completely unexpected. He was rather smooth and sly in doing so, the bill had been returned to him before we even knew he had asked for it. None of us even saw him talk to the waitress. It's amazing how men (generally) are able to acquire this skill.
On a DE TTC note, I brought my prescription for BCP with me to work today. I'm supposed to start it on Day 1 of my next cycle. Since I'm not exactly sure when that will be, I am just going to get the prescription filled so I'll have it ready to go.
Last night I had a horrific nightmare, it was vivid and I woke myself up trying to yell for help. All I could manage to make was a horrible gurgling sound. I think I was still half asleep, though because I felt like the monster had come through my dreams and into our home. I had to fully wake myself up to be reassured that I was safe. With my heartpounding out of my chest I sat up and located the dogs sleeping on my side of the bed on the floor. If there was someone in the house they'd both be barking or running downstairs to check out the noise. Then I wondered if H had left the sliding glass door unlocked. I had to get up go downstairs and check that door as well as the others to make sure they were in fact all locked. Then I got myself a big glass of water because after all of that gurgling/screaming my throat was bone dry. This was all at about 2am-ish. You can imagine how well I slept after that. The one nice thing is that when I went back to bed, H. asked me what I was doing and I told him about the dream. He told me to hold his hand until I could get to sleep. So sweet.
We went to a restaurant in the city called Terroni's. It's aim is to serve authentic Italian food, not North American Italian. Even the juice/pop/soda are imported Italian products. I'm not a huge fan of their food, but yesterday was good. Maybe it was the company. J picked up the bill for the 6 of us which was extremely kind and completely unexpected. He was rather smooth and sly in doing so, the bill had been returned to him before we even knew he had asked for it. None of us even saw him talk to the waitress. It's amazing how men (generally) are able to acquire this skill.
On a DE TTC note, I brought my prescription for BCP with me to work today. I'm supposed to start it on Day 1 of my next cycle. Since I'm not exactly sure when that will be, I am just going to get the prescription filled so I'll have it ready to go.
Last night I had a horrific nightmare, it was vivid and I woke myself up trying to yell for help. All I could manage to make was a horrible gurgling sound. I think I was still half asleep, though because I felt like the monster had come through my dreams and into our home. I had to fully wake myself up to be reassured that I was safe. With my heartpounding out of my chest I sat up and located the dogs sleeping on my side of the bed on the floor. If there was someone in the house they'd both be barking or running downstairs to check out the noise. Then I wondered if H had left the sliding glass door unlocked. I had to get up go downstairs and check that door as well as the others to make sure they were in fact all locked. Then I got myself a big glass of water because after all of that gurgling/screaming my throat was bone dry. This was all at about 2am-ish. You can imagine how well I slept after that. The one nice thing is that when I went back to bed, H. asked me what I was doing and I told him about the dream. He told me to hold his hand until I could get to sleep. So sweet.
Friday, January 15, 2010
3 Year Blogaversary
Wow, it's been 3 years since I wrote my first post. Back when I wrote that first post, in my heart of hearts I thought that perhaps it was going to be a struggle to get pregnant, but that it would happen. I thought naively we'll try and if it doesn't work we'll do IUI or IVF. I thought there were so many things that they could now, that medicine had progressed so far that it might be an inconvenience and it may cost us some money but that we'd get pregnant. That was before the high fsh diagnosis. That first year I went along in la la land, one of the blissfully ignorant fertiles. There is so much hope and optimism in the posts from that first year that I had to take them down as they were such painful reminders of my stupidity. At the end of that year I stopped blogging consistently and only started back up in February of 2008 with a post talking about being referred to an RE in April of that year.
That year I got the high fsh diagnosis (it was 12) and we did one IUI + injectibles around the time H. lost his job. We didn't cycle any more that year.
On my 2nd year blogaversary, I posted about a woman I know IRL that was just starting out with TTCing and how I just knew she'd get pregnant right away. Envy filled me up. She did get pregnant in 2009, twice in fact, and miscarried both times. I felt like such an asshole. 2009 was the year that I had a failed IVF, failed iui's and started ovulating really early in my cycle. It was also the year that we came to the decision to use donor eggs.
That in a nutshell has been my last 3 years. I can chronicle my treatments and failures, changes to protocol and plans, but the hardest part for me to talk about is how this affected me mentally and emotionally. I think because I only really ever scratch the surface on how I'm feeling. If I let myself actually feel the despair and pain and self-doubt and self-loathing I don't think I'd be able to get out of bed in the morning. So, I focus on the next step, the next new thing, the good things and most of all I cling to the hope that one day this will all work. That one day it will all have been worth it because we'll have made our family and moved on. My hope is that a year from now on my 4th Anniversary of my blog, I will be able to say "we did it" and will be chronicling a whole different journey.
That year I got the high fsh diagnosis (it was 12) and we did one IUI + injectibles around the time H. lost his job. We didn't cycle any more that year.
On my 2nd year blogaversary, I posted about a woman I know IRL that was just starting out with TTCing and how I just knew she'd get pregnant right away. Envy filled me up. She did get pregnant in 2009, twice in fact, and miscarried both times. I felt like such an asshole. 2009 was the year that I had a failed IVF, failed iui's and started ovulating really early in my cycle. It was also the year that we came to the decision to use donor eggs.
That in a nutshell has been my last 3 years. I can chronicle my treatments and failures, changes to protocol and plans, but the hardest part for me to talk about is how this affected me mentally and emotionally. I think because I only really ever scratch the surface on how I'm feeling. If I let myself actually feel the despair and pain and self-doubt and self-loathing I don't think I'd be able to get out of bed in the morning. So, I focus on the next step, the next new thing, the good things and most of all I cling to the hope that one day this will all work. That one day it will all have been worth it because we'll have made our family and moved on. My hope is that a year from now on my 4th Anniversary of my blog, I will be able to say "we did it" and will be chronicling a whole different journey.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Bad Ticker
My ticker today reads 2 months, 4 weeks and 2 days until we leave for Brno. Isn't that really just 3 months and 2 days? Weird.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Celebrity Infertility
On one of the DE boards I frequent, the topic or Jennif.er Lo.pez's recent interview came up, based on this comment:
“I … believe in God and I have a lot of faith in that, so I just felt like you don’t mess with things like that,” she told Elle. “And I guess deep down I really felt like either this is not going to happen for me or it is. You know what I mean? And if it is, it will. And if it’s not, it’s not going to.” From Elle Mag.azine's Feb issue.
She had boy/girl twins at the age of 40; while it is possible, it's not probable that she didn't use infertility treatments. And, she was seen frequenting a fertility office known for its DE program in LA.
The women on the board I frequent are angry with JL.o for her comments - it is one thing to deny treatment, while it's yet another thing to play the God card. As one person put it, infertility is a medical issue. Can you imagine someone saying "I know I have blocked arteries, but I just have to have faith in God that he will unclog them. If it happens it happens, then if not, I guess I'll die. I just don't want to mess with God's plan."
I agree that her comments are at the very least not very well thought out. There are definitely better ways that she could handle these questions. But, a lot of women are angry with her simply because she hasn't admitted that she used fertility treatments at all. I find this a little hypocritical. If you were to go to this message board, you'd see that at least once or twice a month there will be a big debate on if you are on the Tell or No Tell side of the DE argument. Some of the same women who are nailing Jenni.fer for not speaking out are also women who have not told their family/friends and are also contemplating never telling their children that they were conceived through donor eggs. Some women I know have not told anyone that they are undergoing treatment let alone donor eggs. So, does that mean that if you are a celebrity, that you are not allotted this same opportunity? Is it fair to expect someone simply because they are in the public eye to become an infertility warrior? To come out and talk openly about their choices with essentially complete strangers before their own children are old enough to comprehend the news?
I don't know. I am in the Tell column 100%. I believe that infertility is a medical issue and is not something to be ashamed of. I also believe that celebrities who have gone through infertility should be open and speak out about it because women need to be forewarned. By perpetuating the myth that women can easily get pregnant into their late 40's, these celebrities are not doing anyone any favours.
I believe that people have the right to keep whatever they want to themselves. In this instance, playing the God card seems a little over the top and a little "the lady doth protest too much"ish to me. She could have said that "ivf is a great way for women that have medical issues to build their families; it's just not something that we needed at this time". People would still be yelling liar liar, but at least she'd come down on "our" side.
Thoughts?
“I … believe in God and I have a lot of faith in that, so I just felt like you don’t mess with things like that,” she told Elle. “And I guess deep down I really felt like either this is not going to happen for me or it is. You know what I mean? And if it is, it will. And if it’s not, it’s not going to.” From Elle Mag.azine's Feb issue.
She had boy/girl twins at the age of 40; while it is possible, it's not probable that she didn't use infertility treatments. And, she was seen frequenting a fertility office known for its DE program in LA.
The women on the board I frequent are angry with JL.o for her comments - it is one thing to deny treatment, while it's yet another thing to play the God card. As one person put it, infertility is a medical issue. Can you imagine someone saying "I know I have blocked arteries, but I just have to have faith in God that he will unclog them. If it happens it happens, then if not, I guess I'll die. I just don't want to mess with God's plan."
I agree that her comments are at the very least not very well thought out. There are definitely better ways that she could handle these questions. But, a lot of women are angry with her simply because she hasn't admitted that she used fertility treatments at all. I find this a little hypocritical. If you were to go to this message board, you'd see that at least once or twice a month there will be a big debate on if you are on the Tell or No Tell side of the DE argument. Some of the same women who are nailing Jenni.fer for not speaking out are also women who have not told their family/friends and are also contemplating never telling their children that they were conceived through donor eggs. Some women I know have not told anyone that they are undergoing treatment let alone donor eggs. So, does that mean that if you are a celebrity, that you are not allotted this same opportunity? Is it fair to expect someone simply because they are in the public eye to become an infertility warrior? To come out and talk openly about their choices with essentially complete strangers before their own children are old enough to comprehend the news?
I don't know. I am in the Tell column 100%. I believe that infertility is a medical issue and is not something to be ashamed of. I also believe that celebrities who have gone through infertility should be open and speak out about it because women need to be forewarned. By perpetuating the myth that women can easily get pregnant into their late 40's, these celebrities are not doing anyone any favours.
I believe that people have the right to keep whatever they want to themselves. In this instance, playing the God card seems a little over the top and a little "the lady doth protest too much"ish to me. She could have said that "ivf is a great way for women that have medical issues to build their families; it's just not something that we needed at this time". People would still be yelling liar liar, but at least she'd come down on "our" side.
Thoughts?
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Run don't Walk
I mean it. If you have not read Conquering Infertility by Dr. Alice Domar & Alice Lesch Kelly, you must run out and get this book. My Naturopath recommended this book ages ago, but I did nothing about it. I finally put it on my Christmas wish list and Santa granted my wish.
I am currently on page 98 of this book and there is so much I have already taken from it. I had to tear myself away from it and come here to tell you about it. This is not just another infertility book on how to change your diet, your lifestyle and cure your infertility. It is not a book that will tell you which protocols are best for your particular issue. This book speaks to the soul. It's about the mind/body connection. It talks about strategies for handling the deep depression, sadness and pain that comes with infertility. It gives you tools for how to handle the driveby pregnancy announcements, for putting a plan in place with friends on how to deliver this kind of news.
I am reading and nodding and thinking "man, that's exactly how I feel".
Part of it deals with the difference in reactions between men and women to infertility, to af showing up month after month and to failed procedures. Something I have struggled with, because sometimes it feels like H just doesn't get it.
Anyway, I know I sound like I am gushing, but I can't help myself. I am NOT a self-help book kind of girl, I am NOT all Zen and touchy-feely although I can see the merits in leaning that way. I just think that when I come across something that speaks so accurately, intensely and on such a relate-able level about infertility and how it feels, that I just have to share it with my sisters.
ETA - In response to a couple of the comments, I felt it was necessary to add the following. I did not feel at any time that the authors blamed the infertile woman for not getting pregnant because she's too stressed out/anxious/depressed and I did not feel like the authors were saying that if you do "x" you will get pregnant. That wasn't written anywhere and I don't feel like it was even hinted at. The authors have done a lot of mind/body work with infertile patients, they give anecdotal reports and research numbers that show that because infertility is such an overwhelming medical issue - many infertile women are depressed and don't even know the extent of it. They point out that some women who have used the tools provided have gone on to get pregnant - they were very specific in the percentages - at no time do they give/intimate a guarantee. That is not the basis of the book nor the meat of the book. For me, the tools for handling stress and anxiety for a better overall sense of well-being are what stood out. Just my 2 cents. Also, I wasn't looking for a book that will get me pregnant, I was looking for something that can help me cope and that's what I found.
I am currently on page 98 of this book and there is so much I have already taken from it. I had to tear myself away from it and come here to tell you about it. This is not just another infertility book on how to change your diet, your lifestyle and cure your infertility. It is not a book that will tell you which protocols are best for your particular issue. This book speaks to the soul. It's about the mind/body connection. It talks about strategies for handling the deep depression, sadness and pain that comes with infertility. It gives you tools for how to handle the driveby pregnancy announcements, for putting a plan in place with friends on how to deliver this kind of news.
I am reading and nodding and thinking "man, that's exactly how I feel".
Part of it deals with the difference in reactions between men and women to infertility, to af showing up month after month and to failed procedures. Something I have struggled with, because sometimes it feels like H just doesn't get it.
Anyway, I know I sound like I am gushing, but I can't help myself. I am NOT a self-help book kind of girl, I am NOT all Zen and touchy-feely although I can see the merits in leaning that way. I just think that when I come across something that speaks so accurately, intensely and on such a relate-able level about infertility and how it feels, that I just have to share it with my sisters.
ETA - In response to a couple of the comments, I felt it was necessary to add the following. I did not feel at any time that the authors blamed the infertile woman for not getting pregnant because she's too stressed out/anxious/depressed and I did not feel like the authors were saying that if you do "x" you will get pregnant. That wasn't written anywhere and I don't feel like it was even hinted at. The authors have done a lot of mind/body work with infertile patients, they give anecdotal reports and research numbers that show that because infertility is such an overwhelming medical issue - many infertile women are depressed and don't even know the extent of it. They point out that some women who have used the tools provided have gone on to get pregnant - they were very specific in the percentages - at no time do they give/intimate a guarantee. That is not the basis of the book nor the meat of the book. For me, the tools for handling stress and anxiety for a better overall sense of well-being are what stood out. Just my 2 cents. Also, I wasn't looking for a book that will get me pregnant, I was looking for something that can help me cope and that's what I found.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Ovulating Early
So, as you are aware, we are going to Czech in April for donor eggs. This month is our last month of trying with my own eggs. I thought December was going to be our last, but I don't have to start BCP until next month, so we get 1 more shot. What a joke! I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but when I have a cycle where I'm using progesterone supplements the following cycle has me ovulating early. I think it's because my body knows I'm not pregnant and just starts onto the next cycle and my AF gets out of synch with the rest of my hormones. I am on CD 5 and have globs of EWCM. We're going to take advantage of it tonight and for the next couple of days. I just feel like this is another kick in the teeth from the universe. Hmm. Or, if I want to look at this optimistically, it could be a sign from the universe that DE is the correct path for us.
Time will tell.
Time will tell.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Knowing
Sometimes I am thankful for the road I have had to travel over the last few years. I have learned so much about my body and how it works. I have educated myself on all things infertility, hormone levels, procedures, protocols - you name it. I've done research on where things are heading, what will the next big thing be. I have even gotten a little political. I'm not alone in this, it seems that most of us make these decisions to educate ourselves and be our own best advocate. This also allows us to talk to other women that are just entering this road about what they can expect and questions to ask. It actually makes me feel useful and almost worth it to have travelled along so long.
There are times when I see one of these women that's been given wrong information or false hope and I know that they are headed for disappointment. But, I don't say anything because who am I to take away their hope. The choice is to give them knowledge with a penalty of marring their path. So, I sit back and hope that this time I'm wrong.
A dear friend of mine, recently became pregnant unexpectedly after many months/years of trying. She jumped whole-heartedly into the "I'm pregnant" way of thinking, the joy thoroughly took her over. I was and am incredibly happy for her, she got her miracle! But, there was this little voice in the back of my mind whispering "slow down". Be cautious is what I wanted to tell her, enjoy it, but be cautious. I read today that her beta did not rise very much. I can only imagine her disappointment and fear. I hope that this is just a blip or a lab error, and that in fact, things are moving the way that they should.
This way of thinking has me a little concerned... when I finally get my bfp am I going to be able to embrace it, or am I going to proceed with caution and concern. Will I be constantly afraid of being too happy about receiving the one thing that I've been praying for? I want to be on the sailing over the moon, shouting it from the rooftops side of things, but I think I'll settle for being cautiously optimistic.
There are times when I see one of these women that's been given wrong information or false hope and I know that they are headed for disappointment. But, I don't say anything because who am I to take away their hope. The choice is to give them knowledge with a penalty of marring their path. So, I sit back and hope that this time I'm wrong.
A dear friend of mine, recently became pregnant unexpectedly after many months/years of trying. She jumped whole-heartedly into the "I'm pregnant" way of thinking, the joy thoroughly took her over. I was and am incredibly happy for her, she got her miracle! But, there was this little voice in the back of my mind whispering "slow down". Be cautious is what I wanted to tell her, enjoy it, but be cautious. I read today that her beta did not rise very much. I can only imagine her disappointment and fear. I hope that this is just a blip or a lab error, and that in fact, things are moving the way that they should.
This way of thinking has me a little concerned... when I finally get my bfp am I going to be able to embrace it, or am I going to proceed with caution and concern. Will I be constantly afraid of being too happy about receiving the one thing that I've been praying for? I want to be on the sailing over the moon, shouting it from the rooftops side of things, but I think I'll settle for being cautiously optimistic.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Big Step Forward
Well, our flights and accomodations are booked - there's almost no turning back now. Unless a miracle happens, we will be flying out of Toronto on April 13th at 8:00pm, we then land in Munich at 10:05am on April 14th (it's an 8hr and 5 min flight). At 3:30pm we depart Munich for Prague - arriving at 4:20pm. Then we fly from Prague at 5:30pm arriving in Brno at 6:15pm. We stay overnight and on the morning of the 15th we go to the clinic for H's deposit and the donor will have her egg retrieval. We leave that afternoon to go to Prague by train. We'll be there for two nights, returning to Brno on the evening of the 17th because ET can occur on the 18th so we have to be back just in case. The rest of our time will be spent in Brno, unless we decide to do a day trip to Vienna. We fly out of Brno (10:05am) to Prague (10:50am), Prague (1:50pm) to Frankfurt (3:00pm) then Frankfurt (5:00pm) to Toronto (7:35pm). I'm already tired thinking of all of that flying and waiting around airports!
Back to the present time, I did not call in my CD1. I don't want to spend any time at the clinic before we go to Czech. I also don't want to spend any more money there. They've refused to help us with the one transvaginal u/s I need prior to leaving. Not sure how I'm going to handle that - where to get one, but I'm sure it will work itself out.
It feels like a new chapter is about to open up in front of us. I like it.
Back to the present time, I did not call in my CD1. I don't want to spend any time at the clinic before we go to Czech. I also don't want to spend any more money there. They've refused to help us with the one transvaginal u/s I need prior to leaving. Not sure how I'm going to handle that - where to get one, but I'm sure it will work itself out.
It feels like a new chapter is about to open up in front of us. I like it.
Monday, January 04, 2010
I feel like I should be writing something, but I'm not sure what I want to say. After two negative HPTs, I stopped my crinone last Tuesday and then I waited and waited for my period to start. I just felt like December was supposed to be my month, my time to finally be pregnant. I really felt it in my soul. I would see the BFN and think "that's not right". I was wrong. Instead of my normal start to my period (it usually just appears), I had dribs and drabs of brown then red blood starting yesterday morning. Today it seems to be here en force, but it's just a little lighter than usual (so far). Now I have to decide whether to call in my Day 1 or not. We have a follow up appointment with my RE on January 18th - I think that's the appointment where he tells me he can no longer help me. Truthfully, I don't think he ever thought he could help me/us. I am bitter about that. Bitter that I didn't find someone who wanted to fight for me as badly as I want to fight for myself.
Today we are going to look at flights & hotels and book our trip to the Czech Republic. We have one more month before I have to start taking bcp, so we're going to try and make the most of it. But, if 36 months of trying haven't made it happen for us, I'm not sure that one month will be the difference. I am still mourning a biological child, I know I'll never hear the words "s/he looks a lot like you". It seems so silly and petty to me, yet it's what I feel. We saw the movie the.blind.side on Friday night. It was excellent. If you're not aware of the storyline, it's about a white upper class family that adopts a poor black teenage boy who just happens to be an excellent athlete. It is clear that this child is loved by the family, that he is definitely a part of the family - as much as her biological children. It reminded me that we are so capable of incredible, selfless love. I will love my de child as if s/he is my bio child. There will be a day that I will not be able to imagine not having the child in my life. Does that make sense?
This just reminded me of something my Mom said over the Christmas holidays. She was talking about a woman that she worked with that used donor eggs. My mother referred to her as "just the carrier". Sigh. I just let it go, we were in the middle of talking about epigenetics and the role that the carrier plays (it's much more than that of just carrier, feeder, sustainer of life). I thought we were making headway until my Mom came out with that. She did look rather sheepish afterwards, I know that her heart is in the right place, but she really knows how to take the wind out of a girl's sales.
Oh well, when I get right down to it, I just want to be a Mom and see H. be a Dad.
Today we are going to look at flights & hotels and book our trip to the Czech Republic. We have one more month before I have to start taking bcp, so we're going to try and make the most of it. But, if 36 months of trying haven't made it happen for us, I'm not sure that one month will be the difference. I am still mourning a biological child, I know I'll never hear the words "s/he looks a lot like you". It seems so silly and petty to me, yet it's what I feel. We saw the movie the.blind.side on Friday night. It was excellent. If you're not aware of the storyline, it's about a white upper class family that adopts a poor black teenage boy who just happens to be an excellent athlete. It is clear that this child is loved by the family, that he is definitely a part of the family - as much as her biological children. It reminded me that we are so capable of incredible, selfless love. I will love my de child as if s/he is my bio child. There will be a day that I will not be able to imagine not having the child in my life. Does that make sense?
This just reminded me of something my Mom said over the Christmas holidays. She was talking about a woman that she worked with that used donor eggs. My mother referred to her as "just the carrier". Sigh. I just let it go, we were in the middle of talking about epigenetics and the role that the carrier plays (it's much more than that of just carrier, feeder, sustainer of life). I thought we were making headway until my Mom came out with that. She did look rather sheepish afterwards, I know that her heart is in the right place, but she really knows how to take the wind out of a girl's sales.
Oh well, when I get right down to it, I just want to be a Mom and see H. be a Dad.
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