Hello Old Friend

The chest pains are back. Fuck. Just like last year I have been feeling it around my rib cageand in the middle of my chest. It is such a mind fuck. We qent to the hospital on Wednesday because, even though I have had these feelings before, it could have been a pulmonary embolism due to the csection I had in December. We got tot the hospital and it was a mess in the ER, there were three stretchers that had just arrived via ambulance and a few people ahead of us. It took about half an hour to be triaged and then half an hlour to have an ecg done. They also took my blood. Then we sat for almost an hour and a half before H decided to talk to the nurse. She told me that it would be two hours for the results from the blood test and 4 hours to see the dr. H asked the nurse to see if I could go home and come back. That didn't go over very well. He told her we habe an infant at home and that may have gotten theough to her because she told us that as soon as the results were back she would send us to a different area where we would npbe seen quicker. Well when the results were in, she sent us over to the ambulatory clinic and also called them to let us know we were coming. They saw me right away, my tests came back negative for a heart attack and also for a pulmnary embolism. The dr examined me and told me I have costochondritis and heart burn, both present with chest pain. Basically the same diagnosis as last year.

I have done a little research about the chest pains, anxiety and linked them with perimenopause. Guess what?! They are symptoms of peri menopause and menopause. I believe that as a result of my POF or DOR, I am in advanced perimenopause and my gift is to have these fuckng symptoms. I can take pain killers and antacids to try to stave off the symptoms, but so far neither helps very much. Also, anxiety kicks in when I have the chest pains, so I have to talk to myself to keep myself calm. So far I haven't had any panic attacks I hope that stays true.

Now I don't trust my body. I logically know that I am fine. But when I go for a walk with Little G if I have to exert myself to go up a hill etc I immediately think i am going to have a heart attack and have to self-talk the whole time. I think the nly way to get over this is to just keep going for walks and living life and dproving to myself that I am fine. On top of everything, now there is Little G to think about and it freaks me out to think about dying and leaving her. This too shall pass, but it could take years. Isn't it ironic that while I was pregnant my body was in balance hormonally and I didn't have any of these issues. But now 3 months post partum, my body is back in its old imbalance. I have to find a way to deal with this.