5 Months

I can't believe the little G is 5 months old now. She is the light of my life and I still have to pinch myself to make sure this is real. She is growing and chaning almost on a daily basis. She is rolling over from her back to her front, when she is on her stomach she looks like she will be ready to crawl at any moment, She is starting to communicate by screeches and squeals. She has a fake cough that she is doing now that is really funny. We are incredibly lucky because she sleeps through the night, from around 8pm until around6:30am. The thing is that I don't really sleep soundly because I have one ear open for her. So, I am tired and snappy, parti ularly with H. I hate myself when I snap at him. It is like some momster takes over my body. blech. I at leats can recognize it and apolgize. I am really going to work on that part of things.

On the health side of things, I am doing ok. My gallbladder has been pretty good (touch wood) but the acid reflux is still pretty bad. I have kept the weight off from giving birth, but haven't lost anymore and feel like my body is just gross right now. The weight has shifted on my body. I need to find my mojo and find a workout that will work for me. I don't want to be an overweight mom, I want to be a good role model for my Little G. I also want to be in better shape before we go to Brno for our FET. I need to figure out what it is that is keeping me at this weight. I was thinking about it today and realized that my family may be one of the major reasons. And not in a way that I had ever thought of before. My Mom's way of showing her love was to feed us, so I find comfort in food. But that is not the reason that I fell on today. I was molested when I was young and sexualized by men when I was a teenager, a layer of fat helped protect me from those feelings of shame. But that is not what I figured out today. I realized that when I was growing up my family was thought of as the perfect family. We could be yelling at each other before going to a family party, but as soon as we walked out the door we all had our roles to play. We didn't talk about our feelings or open up to each other, we never talked about the molestation after it happened and I never told my parents about the other things that happened. I think I learned to just eat to shove away all the negative feelings. And now that I am an adult, the eating has just become a habit. They say knowledge is power and now that I know myself just a little bit better, I hope that I will be able to turn my health around.