So Long, Farewell...

I have been blogging about TTCing since a few months after we started trying to have a baby. My first post was in January of 2007. My blog for the first year was very hopeful and upbeat and embarrassingly naive. When it became clear that I had issues getting pregnant I blogged about that. And, for 3+years I blogged about my efforts to get and stay pregnant.

I was successful and now am a mom to a beautiful little girl. Little G is the light of my life.

My husband H and I have made the decision that, unless things change significantly financially, there will not be any more children or attempts for children in our future. This is an incredibly difficult thing for me because in my heart of hearts I don't think our family is complete. Continuing to blog here is kind of counter-productive. My TTC & Infertility blogging has run its course and to come here to talk about my daughter and life as a mom at 40 just doesn't seem to fit anymore.

I have made the decision to retire this blog (I will not be deleting it as a few women have found my reviews on DEIVF useful). I am not, however, leaving the blogosphere. I am going to continue blogging on my new blog Midlife Momasita. It is about being a mom, working full time and just living life. I hope that you will stop by from time to time to check in on me. I will continue to follow your blogs and cheer you on wherever you are in this process.

For those of you who have found me because of DEIVF, Reprofit or MyIVFAlternative here are two links that will aid you in your research:

My Review of Reprofit et al which I wrote before getting the results of my beta so that it would not be tarnished by the result.

An Addendum I wrote about the clinic.

To those of you who have followed me along my path, thank-you for your support. Your comments have lifted me up, made me feel supported and understood and not quite so alone as I went through all of this. I hope you will continue to check in from time to time at my new blog.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Again, it's been awhile, but I am still reading along and trying to comment as often as I can on some blogs.

Little G has been at daycare for almost a month now and she seems to be enjoying it. I am pretty good about leaving her there now, but every day at around 3pm I start to countdown the minutes until we can pick her up.

I am now in my second week back to work and it feels like I have never left. I started a week ago Monday, came in and sat down at my desk. Re-familiarized myself with my passwords, systems and phone and then poof it was like I had never been off work. I do like the full pay cheque after having been off for a year living on EI. (Employment insurance)

The wonky AF cycles continue. I had a few that were right on track, then one that was 18 days, one was 20 days and as of today I am on CD30 with no signs that AF is about to show. And, we did not hit anywhere near to an ovulation window so I'm not pregnant. Lovely, perimenopause or menopause is just messing with me. I am thinking about going back to acupuncture to try and sort all of this out.

Speaking of sorting things out. I am considering shutting down, well shutting it down in the sense that I will no longer be updating. I think it's a good reference point for people going through the DEIVF process, particularly if they are going the international route. But, I don't have a lot to say these days on IF.

Having a child has certainly made the ordeal of IF a lot less intense and also something that is not with me on a minute to mintue basis. But, it lingers. I still get upset that people get pg so easily. I still get angry with my body. I still think of where I am in my cycle and how good our chances would be of ovulating... an then check the TP constantly when I am in my LP. I think that it will be something that will always be with me.

In just writing this post, I have realized it is time to end my blog. I will put up one more post in a few days to say good-bye.

Sick!

After 3 days at daycare Little G got sick. She was acting up, crying and wanting to be held.. nothing like her usual self. She was running a low-grade fever. By the next morning it was a full blown fever with runny nose so I kept her home from daycare. She was still eating/drinking OK - I just gave her baby tyl.enol every few hours. She seemed ok on the following morning so I sent her to daycare, at about 1pm I got a call saying that her fever was 102 so I went and got her. Poor kid! On Saturday when the fever still hadn't broken we brought her to the walking clinic. Turns out she had an ear infection, inflamed tonsils and a stomach bug. We were given antibiotics and sent on our way.

Saturday night was not a good one, the fever was just not breaking -it got up to around 104/105 and scared the hell out of me. I would give her a sponge bath and that would momentarily lower the fever and then it would shoot right back up again. It finally broke sometime on Saturday night. The antibiotics seem to be working and my little girl is almost all the way back to her former self.

Of course, both H and I have her cold now. Poor H is in Van.couver on business and is feeling awful.

I'm glad that I had her start back at daycare while I am still off work. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I was just started back to work and she got sick like that.

I hope this isn't a sign of things to come for Little G. She only had 1 cold in her first 12 months. And has already had one in her first week of daycare. Argh!

First Day of Daycare

Little G had her first day of daycare today. We took a picture to mark the occasion, I'll try to upload it here later. Her Dad and I dropped her off. She cried at first, H and I stayed for about an hour or so, then I cried in the car. Even though I had a minor cry, it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. She was only there for a few hours so it was pretty easy to get through. Tomorrow she goes full time and I imagine that will be a lot worse! I am off for the next two weeks, so I will be tying up loose ends etc and will be available in case anything goes wrong at daycare.

Then it's back to work. I am SO not looking forward to that.

On another note, my cycle was 19 days this month so it's pretty obvious my fertility is basically falling off a cliff. We aren't even 100% sure that we want another baby, but to know that even my 1% chance is disappearing is so depressing and frustrating. Having a baby gives you distance from infertility (and definitely makes having gone through the shit worth it), but it doesn't erase it. I feel like an asshole complaining about this stuff when there are women fighting to have a baby. But, it is hard to get rid of this "why can't my body just do what it's supposed to do" feeling.

Happy New Year!

My cycle is messed up and it's driving me crazy. I got my period on CD20. It was really light - like only there when I wiped or some occasional spotting for 5 days. On the 5th day it was mixed with eggwhite CM and today (CD6) there was more eggwhite CM. So apparently, my body thinks it is ovulating... on CD6! I bought an HPT and took it because of how weird I have been feeling. Of course it was negative. That's right because I don't get pg on my own!

We want to start TTCing again and see what happens because you never know what could happen. There is a teeny tiny chance it could happen. Then we'll probably go back to the Czech Republic in the summer of 2013 and do a FET.

Regardless of what/when/how we try to get pg it would be great if I could have normal cycles. Not ones that are all over the place. Freaking period on CD20!

On top of this, I am already getting over-whelmed by this year. We are moving - hopefully before the end of April. I am looking for a new job. We have 3 weddings this year. One in Canada's capital, one at an ivy league school in the States, and one just north of the city. I am a bridesmaid in that one and Little G is the flower girl (hopefully she's walking by July). I know it doesn't all happen at once, but it seems like a lot.

I just need to breath and take one day at a time.