It was 12

I got the call back from the clinic yesterday - my FSH level is 12. Anything under 10 is a good number with anything under 6 being ideal. I was so disappointed. I had a feeling that the number was going to be high, I am 37 after all, but I hoped that it would be 9 or 10 even.

So, now I'm stuck waiting for the rest of the stupid blood work to come back. Then we can have the appointment that will tell us how dire everything is. Less than 10% chance of getting pregnant naturally, increased risk of miscarriage blah, blah, blah.

I felt so defeated yesterday, felt the chance for a family slipping through my fingers. I was at work when I got the call and immediately went to the bathroom and sobbed. Thank God no one was in there. You know that saying "racked with sobs" well that was me. I managed to pull myself together and go back to my desk, but I just couldn't focus so I ended up leaving a little early.

H. was home when I got there and he knew something was wrong. Through my tears I told him what I had found out and then all of the info I'd gotten from Dr. Google. H. tried to be supportive when I broke down, but he just doesn't get it. I feel broken. I feel like I'm being punished for past mistakes. I regret that we waited so long to have kids. We were really trying to do the best for us, our relationship and our future family. Had we known that we would be faced with potentially thousands of dollars of treatment, needles, possible IUI or IVF, we would have made some very different choices. Hind sight is 20 20.

I am willing to do whatever is necessary to get pregnant, stay pregnant and have a family. So is H. Financially, I don't know how we're going to do it. Is it really smart to go further in debt to have kids? I know it's worth it, but is it practical?

So, now I wait for my appointment to hear what our future holds. Please let their be children in that future.