It's Time.

My temperature dropped today, I’m 11 DPO and it looks like AF is on her way in. No spotting or anything yet, but I just don’t feel right. And, I POAS today. Oh, my nemesis, this time you won. Of course, it was negative, white, blank, blah. What a waste of money, my only consolation is that the tests were on sale. That’s right – tests, I bought a 2 pack. The other one will be safely stored in the cupboard for the next time that my willpower leaves me.

I think it’s time that we started the IUI with injectibles process. I want to have a baby; I am so ready my body aches when I see one now. The major stumbling block is that H. is still out of work and that we (he) is paying over 4K out of pocket to have our car fixed up after the spectacular crash he caused. The IUI is $300 for a single and $500 for double, the injectibles will likely cost around $1000 (which will be covered by my insurance). Of course, it’s all paid out of pocket and then insurance will reimburse us for the meds, but, I feel like there will be more costs that haven’t been considered like ultrasounds, blood work and monitoring. And, then there’s the fact that I’m only covered up to $2000 lifetime, which gives us 2 shots at IUI before we have to pay completely out of pocket.

The mental stumbling block for me is that once we cross over to this procedure, I will officially be “INFERTILE”. Sure, I’ve gone through all of the tests, been unable to get pregnant for a year and a half, have been diagnosed with high FSH – less than 10% chance of getting pg on our own, taking 11 supplements each morning and 6 each night, acupuncture weekly, but until I actually start jabbing myself needles, in my warped mind, I’m not really “infertile”. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I guess it is just that I see the path I have to walk down and there are so many horror stories. The path is littered with the carcasses of shattered dreams and lost hopes. I try to focus on the successes, the wishes fulfilled, but it’s the other that scares me, the reality that nothing is guaranteed.

Memories

Grandpa Dutch

Blue eyes
White mustache
Big booming voice
Best hugs
Larger than life
Love
Miss you.

My Grandfather was taken from us suddenly almost 15 years ago this week. I still miss him so much that my heart aches from it. I often wonder if he was here now what he would think of me. Would he be proud of the woman that I have become? Would he like my husband? I really hope so. I know he is with me always, but I could really use one of his hugs right about now.

H and I have talked about it and when we have a child he/she will be named after my Grandpa. H. lost his mother when he was 16 years old, we’d like to honour his mother as well.

A bit of a downer.

I took yesterday off of work due to this massive neck/back ache I woke up with. I must have slept wrong and woke up yelling at around 5am from the pain. The pain traveled from the right side of my neck down my back around my shoulder blade and into my right arm. It was a major crick in my neck. I felt a little better once I was up and moving for a while, but man that hurt! Today it's almost gone. Gone enough that I was able to go swimming.

Okay, so here's the deal. I am 7DPO and I have felt nauseous off and on for the last couple of days. I've almost thrown up twice - you know those burps that turn out to be a little more than a burp. Gross, yuck - sorry for the tmi. I've also felt a little dizzy a few times. I haven't mentioned it to H. and I haven't really even acknowledged it to myself until now. I do not want to obsess over symptoms/non-symptoms. My knee-jerk reaction if I even let my wander over to the pg symptom side is to give myself a virtual kick in the ass, and say it's probably nothing followed swiftly by "but I'm open to the possibility". Oh and did I mention I cried yesterday morning because the woman I wanted to win her 2nd round match at Wimbledon this morning lost. I am generally a crier - at commercials, movies etc, but even for me this was a bit much.

I cried the other night too, but I think it was more than merited. There I was sitting nonchalantly at my computer playing mah.jong sol.itaire and listening to the news on tv when i heard a story that was just so sad and sickening. A man had his baby at a fire pit. He fell asleep and when he woke up the child was in the fire pit, where there was a fire and the child was fatally burned. IN THE FIRE PIT!!! WTF!!! Here's the story. It is simply appalling.

Sorry for the downer post.

That Was Close.

I almost died yesterday. How's that for an opening line? I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. H. and I were in an accident with a public transportation vehicle; long story short - it won. Incredibly, luckily, neither of us were injured. It was driver error on H's part and now he feels incredibly guilty. He's trying to wrestle with the fact that his momentary lack of judgment could have killed me (the impact was on my side of the car). The vehicle hit the front of our car just around the front passenger side tire. If we had been 2 more feet forward I probably would have been seriously injured if not killed. Wow. Just writing that makes it really hit home. Whenever you read a story about a near-death experience (I guess, more like a near miss) you see people write that their life flashed in front of their eyes. That's not what I experienced. I just couldn't believe we were in the situation that we were in - it was pure shock. I didn't have time to think of anything else. Now reflecting on the situation, I feel like I knew that I wasn't in any danger. Very weird. I knew that we'd be okay.

Our poor car. It was all crunched in at the front. Just a bunch of twisted metal. H. got a ticket for an unsafe turn. Weirdly, the cop was an ex-olympic athlete for Canada. It was all so surreal.

It had been a really good day. I ran my 5km yesterday morning. I did it in just under 44 minutes. I was something like 5th last, but I don't care. I did it!!!! I had run/walked before and did it in around 48 or 49 minutes so I took a nice chunk off of my time. H. was there to cheer me on, well not really "there". The race I did was at the Toronto airport on one of the runways. Pretty cool, but only runners were allowed entry, so H. had to wait for me in a tented area.

Afterwards, we went for a nice breakfast and then had a pretty lazy afternoon. Last night we decide to go get an ice cream cone at a place near us that makes home made ice cream. yum. We got a couple of cones and walked down to the lake to sit on a park bench and watch people pass by on the boardwalk. It was quiet and peaceful, and we got to just enjoy each other's time. Then on the way home - whammo!

Today, we're just trying to let the reality of the situation sink in.

On another note, FF makes it look like I ovulated again this month. We had some more excellently timed TTMaB and now I'm 3 days into the 2WW. I'm going to try and have the same philosophy as I had last month. Now peeing on anything, just wait and see if AF shows her face, then deal with it.

BTW - I am open to the possibility and I'm thankful we weren't hurt.

Open to the Possibility

How do you feel about affirmations? I always think of the Sat.urday Night Liv.e episode where Phil Hartman (I think) looks at himself in the mirror saying “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and, gosh darn it, people like me.” If I have ever thought seriously about doing an affirmation, I have decided against it because just the idea of it leaves me a little weirded out. I feel stupid.

I know there is The Se.cret out there that promotes putting your good thoughts out into the world and they will come back to you. Seems easy enough, but the catch is that you also have to stop from putting the negative thoughts out there. The theory is that it doesn’t matter what you put out into the world that whatever it is you will draw back to you. For example, if you say that you don’t want to gain weight, that’s what you’ll do. I don’t know how much truth there is in it, but I do believe that there is a lot of power in our thoughts.

Two acupuncture sessions ago I decided (after reading about it on another blog) to start saying a mantra. Magically, after the first session I ovulated – a normal cycle! Woohoo. Today was the 3rd session in a row where I’ve said my mantra. Who knows if it will work, but I feel better when I’m doing it. I say to myself “Good, strong healthy ovaries make good strong healthy eggs”. I felt a little silly about it at first, but since I ovulated after starting I decide it can’t be that bad. Coincidence maybe, but I’m just superstitious enough not to change anything after I’ve seen some progress.

Well, today as my Dr. M was going over my FF chart reading the notes she decided that a mantra is not enough. Due to the consistently negative comments I’ve been making on my chart e.g., didn’t ovulate yet, may not happen this time, I need to have a daily affirmation. Crikey. She asked me if I had one that I wanted to say. I think I must have looked at her like she had a 2nd head because she quickly followed that with a suggestion of her own. Her first suggestion was to say to myself “I will get pregnant” every day. Um, hello, infertile lady over here… nothing like setting yourself up for disappointment! Then after some doubt from me and a little deliberation of her own she changed it to “I’m open to the possibility of getting pregnant”, which suited me just fine.

I am open to the possibility of getting pregnant.

On another note, today is a much better day than yesterday.

Feeling Low

What a crap day. I’ve already not ovulated, had a super quick session of piss poor baby making (that won’t even really matter if I don’t O), had an argument with H, cried, and had a boring training session at work and a cup of caffeinated coffee. And, it’s only 10:30am. The day has to get better, right?

I’m charting again because my naturopath says it can tell her a lot about what my body is doing. So, almost every morning I wake up early and take my temperature. It’s great when I’m having a normal cycle, but when I’m not it’s torture. I am on CD12 and I have not ovulated. The cm hasn’t really changed, which has always been my best sign that I am going to. My temps are really low and consistent – 36.2C for the last 4 days. And I’m driving myself crazy checking the TP every time I go to the bathroom to see if there are any new signs of O. I told H that we should just start BD’ing (I hate that term, hmm maybe from now on I’ll use TTMaB as in trying/tried to make a baby) until I either O or we’re well past the window for O.

I think I am still in denial. Even though I regularly post to various IF related boards and read numerous IF related blogs (occasionally commenting as well!), I still have this small part of me that thinks “This can’t be me.” “I don’t want this to be me”

I don’t want to deal with injections and procedures and IUIs and IVFs and finding out how to pay for it all while my husband is still out of work. I don’t want this to be my life; how the fuck did I get HERE. The more I read these blogs I see so many successes and that give me hope, but I see so many more failures – failed IUIs, failed IVFs and the miscarriages, I cannot say how I am devastated by the miscarriages. It opens my eyes to the fact that getting pregnant is only the first goal, staying pregnant and then delivering a healthy baby is the true goal, the true destination. It makes me feel like I have this huge mountain to climb with only a small respite at each short term goal. I ovulated – rest #1, well-timed TTMaB – rest #2, Positive HPT/Beta – rest #3, Hearing the heart beat – rest #4, etc etc. So far, H and I have only made it to Rest #2 before tumbling back down the mountain. Hmm, maybe it’s more like a Snakes and Ladders game; we just keep hitting the snakes.

I am realizing that I thought I was dealing with everything, that I was ok with this infertility business; that by reading and commiserating I was actually helping myself. What I’m finding is that I’m actually adding stress to myself, to my life. But, now I’m committed to reading the blogs and cheering on my fellow IFers, I don’t want to stop reading or commenting. So what do I do? How do I find distance so that when you cry I don’t cry? Is that even realistic to expect from myself?

In Which Assvice Abounds

Over this past weekend H and I went to his Aunt’s & Uncle’s (B & J) home, a cottage in Western Quebec. A lovely 4 and a half hour drive from our home. We left at around 10:30am on Saturday morning and got there at around 4:00 after stopping for breakfast, to buy a pie, to get gas and to get a drink of water. That’s right we stopped 4 times on our way there. We were no sooner out of the car and in the door when it started. Oh, no baby bump yet? Maybe you guys have the wrong book… you’ve been reading the one on how not to get pregnant. Maybe you need to change the Indian. (This one was pretty funny… this is definitely not our problem!) You should go to Europe on vacation, H’s aunt had trouble getting pregnant and as soon as she went to Europe she got pregnant. It’s really just about relaxing.

I think over the course of 24 hours I heard every piece of assvice known to mankind. I wasn’t prepared for it at all because my family doesn’t act that way… even before they found out about our fertility troubles we didn’t get a lot of those kinds of questions. We even shared our issues with J & B and they still brought out this tripe. On the plus side, I found it amusing more than anything. Sure it was annoying, but I know that they really just want to see us happy.

It was a very hectic weekend because when we made the plans to go there we didn’t realize it was Father’s Day weekend. So, we drove 4 and a half hours there stayed for 16 hours and then drove 4 and half hours back to my parents place for a BBQ. Now it’s Monday morning and I’m sleepy. This weekend went by way too quickly and I need a day to recuperate.

Satisfaction

Went to a magic show last night, one of my friends was the magician, let’s call him Mr. Magic. I’ve known Mr. Magic for about 10 years or so, been friends almost as long. Until last night I hadn’t seen him perform anything except his card tricks. I’m not a huge magic fan so I wasn’t really looking forward to the show. Fortunately, I was pleasantly surprised. It was a very amateurish production; the A/V booth missed almost all of the musical cues, but Mr. Magic was excellent. It was fantastic to see him up there on stage, letting it all hang out and pursuing his dream.

It got me thinking about my dreams and I’ve realized lately that I’m completely out of touch with what I want out of life. Obviously, being a parent is high on my list of goals/dreams, but what else is there? I have always felt like there was something out there I’m supposed to be doing and it usually involved writing or journalism. I wanted to work for City TV as a sports reporter or work for Fashion TV or be a news reporter. Then my Aunt told me that if I wanted to do that I’d have to lose weight (I was 5’10.5 and weighed 155lbs at the most). And, I allowed doubt to creep in.

Now I’m 37 years old, in a job I don’t really like making decent money. I own my home, have a car, a husband and a couple of dogs, but I’m not satisfied. I’m still haunted by the weight issue. My weight has ballooned and ballooned out of control. I still feel like there’s something bigger and better out there for me, like I haven’t really found my niche. Do people always feel this way? Do all people feel like this?

There are times I think about how I got to be where I am; I feel like I kind of let life live me not the other way around. Don’t get me wrong I’m generally happy and feel lucky to have my husband, friends and family. I just can’t help wanting more. I think having a baby will give my life more of a sense of purpose and make our family more complete.
But, I need something that is just mine that I can do solely on my own that gives me a sense of satisfaction.

I think I’m going to start writing again, possibly children’s books. I remember when I was a little girl my favourite book was The Pokey Little Puppy. It set me on a lifelong love of books. I inhaled them when I was a kid, Judy Bloom, Louisa May Alcott, the Trixie Beldon books. To this day I continue to read voraciously.

Maybe I can write something that will be my little girl’s/boy’s favourite book.

Tongue-tied

I have started, then deleted, then re-started this post several times. It feels like there's so much to say, but every time I start it just sounds like crap to me and I delete it. I'm having difficulty putting my thoughts out there eloquently.

Let's just say this. I'm disappointed that I'm not pregnant, I'm so frustrated with my body and I'm so angry with, I don't know, God?, the world?, myself? that my body doesn't work like 90% of the female population - any more. I have been pregnant in the past, a long time in the past, but it happened never the less.

Would we be having these problems if we'd started trying when I was 32 instead of 36? Or, would we have been met with the same frustration? All of I have is questions and very few answers.

Blah, even this isn't what I'd intended to say. sigh.

CD 2

That's right I'm on CD2, the spotting started Friday night and by Saturday night AF was here in full force. I was (am) extremely disappointed that this cycle was a bust. I allowed myself all of Saturday to wallow, H. even took me to see In.diana Jo.nes last night. I loved it!

Now I'm just trying to focus on the positives of the last cycle 1. I ovulated on my own!, 2. Our baby-making attempts were perfectly timed, 3. I had a 25 day cycle which is normal for me, 4. I didn't pee on a single stick, which has been my undoing in the past. So, we had a 10% chance of getting pregnant naturally, the 90% found us this time. If I am lucky enough to have another normal cycle this time, we won't really change anything. Except, that H. will take the sud.afed before our baby-making sessions that way ensuring the full volume is expelled so to speak.

Deep down, I don't want to have to take 12 vitamins/supplements every morning and 6 at night. I don't want to have to inject myself on the possibility it will help develop eggs, and then have another shot to force ovulation and have H. have to whack off into a jar so that his sperm can go up a ladder of sorts into a test tube to be injected into me. I want to be like 90% of the population and have sex with my husband/partner/stranger from the bar and get pregnant by you know, actually having sex. Most of all I don't want to be the warning sign for my friends, the example of what can go wrong so easily. I can see it in their eyes when we talk about getting pregnant - they look at me with this combination of pity and terror. We're all the same age, and they still want to have kids. So, seeing what I'm going through must scare the bejesus out of them. (Notice I left the acupuncture off this list, I love love love my acupuncture and would do it even if it wasn't for fertility.)

C'mon cycle 21!

A Hodgepodge

Today’s post is a mishmash of the various items floating around in my little mind.

13DPO

Today, I am 13DPO I haven’t tested and I do not have a plan to test. I’ve been temp’ing so I know that my temp has dropped and it really looks like it’s just a matter of time before AF shows. I went to my naturopath yesterday and she looked at my chart. She said that even though the temp is down, it’s still well above my cover line so she can’t say that I am or am not pg. Great – I knew that going in. I do not have any pg symptoms except for some boob soreness, but I usually have that before my period so I’m not really counting that.

Drinks with the Girls

I went out with my friends last night for a few hours. I had a couple of beers and one Key Lime Pie martini (made with vanilla vodka, coconut rum and lime juice – all I can say is yum. It’s tart and sweet but not too tart and sweet.) I know that in the 2WW you’re not supposed to drink alcohol among a list as long as my arm as other guidelines for the 2ww. I just decided to “live” this time. I didn’t go crazy and get all drunk and loosey-goosey. I was out for 4 hours, had 3 drinks and 2 big pint glasses of water as well as these tasty buffalo-style chicken fingers. I count that as a successful night.

Drinks with the Girls - part deux

One of the girls I was out with is the friend I alluded to in my last post. I was sure that she was going to announce that she was pregnant. I’m such a nut job some times. Worrying about things before they actually happen and then 99% of the time they don’t. Anyway, L is not pg. They haven’t even started trying yet. So, there you go. We did have a really good talk about our situations and her plan (she’s 35 and she’s going to wait a year before worrying about anything). Then she started to bring up the whole ‘you just have to relax’ bit. So, I politely and non-threateningly (I’m growing) let her know that relaxing isn’t my problem. High FSH and low quantity/quality eggs are my problem and stress management won’t fix that. She got it which was really great. It felt freeing to talk to her about trying to get pregnant and my fears and hopes - sharing our hopes and fears, really. None of the other girls in the group (girls – that’s a laugh we’re all over 35!) are even talking about planning for a family. Of the 5 of us, 3 are married (me for 1.5 years, T for 1 year, L for 6 months) and 2 are not married and are no where close. So, it may be a while, if ever, that the others can chime in. All in all, I’m glad I went.

Wanderlust

Almost every year since H. and I have been together we’ve gone on some sort of vacation. Over our relationshipe we’ve gone to Muskoka for a long weekend, Australia for 5 weeks (amazing trip of a lifetime), Dominican for a week, Cuba for a week, and a Cottage outside Haliburton for a week. This year we went to Green Bay for a long weekend to see the Packers play the Giants in the NFC Championship (OMG – best sporting event ever, even though my Brett lost) and we stayed in Florida for a week with my parents at their condo in Redington Beach. Wow, reading that I feel incredibly spoiled! Still, I have this wanderlust. I want to go away somewhere exotic and lie on a beach and drink fancy drinks with umbrellas and read a book and just R-E-L-A-X. Alas, we have no money with H. out of work and won’t be going anywhere for the foreseeable future. So, for now I have to hold this wanderlust in check.

Now I’m just blabbing on and on, so let’s just cut it here.

Dread

I’m a horrible friend, well, not really, but I feel like a horrible friend right now. My friend L. just got back from her honeymoon and wants to meet the girls tomorrow night for drinks. She has been talking about how she wants to get pregnant as soon as she’s married and I have this hunch that she’s got some news for us.

I have been really trying to prepare myself for this news. Out of our group of friends I was the first married and, until now, the only one to want kids. (Married at 35 – we’re all late bloomers) I haven’t had the pressure a lot of other women dealing with IF have of announcements coming from family, friends and co-workers. There’s been one announcement prior to what I think is coming tomorrow night. I don’t feel resentment or jealousy when I see pregnant women or when I hear about people getting pregnant. Well, not until now. I know that it’s going to be incredibly difficult to hear this news.

If she does announce her pregnancy tomorrow night I will be incredibly happy for her and her husband. She has had a rough go of it over the last year and she deserves some good news. (Her mother died of cancer last fall – L and her now hubby got married at the hospital a week prior to her Mom’s death. Then, shortly after that her Dad had to have a quadruple by-pass, from which he’s still recovering.)

Even if she doesn’t announce her pregnancy I know it’s going to happen quickly for them. Ya know how you just KNOW something sometimes…. Anyway, how do I deal with this? I actually feel nauseous just thinking about it… me smiling and nodding while she natters on about symptoms and the hpt and how she told her hubby, all the while thinking why can’t that be me.
Or, worse yet, her saying "I know it's going to happen for you too... you just have to relax, maybe take a vacation" ARGH!

God I wish I was a better person.

... Perchance to Dream...

I had the wildest dream last night that I was working at a hotel (or staying there – I’m not sure which) and somehow I ended up having to go to the doctor’s office. While I was there I had to have an ultrasound and low and behold I was 14 weeks pregnant. The baby was extremely well-formed for 14 weeks – looked like the ultrasound photos you see for 3rd trimester ultrasounds. I kept saying to the dr. “Oh my god, can you make that a picture?!” Then after the appointment they gave me an ultrasound photo and a ‘cleaned up’ photo where they take the ultrasound and turn it into a colour picture that looks like a live baby. I then proceeded to run around the hotel showing everyone my “pictures”.

It felt great to be pregnant; I was so happy and excited. The only weird thing (only – tee hee) was that H. wasn’t in the dream. I’m not sure where he was, but I wasn’t concerned about it. I knew he knew and was excited even though I hadn’t seen or talked to him.

I guess this whole two week wait thing is making me a little crazy. I’m on 9 DPO (CD21) my temp is still fairly high and I’m feeling good. No symptoms to speak of really other than slightly sore boobs, but that’s not unusual for me at this stage in my cycle. If this is a normal cycle I should get my period in 5 days. Of course with all of my wonky cycles lately, who knows when AF is due? I have promised myself that I will not test this cycle. If I don’t have AF by CD30 then I will go for a blood test. The POAS thing just leads to too much disappointment for me. Even as I was typing this, deep down I know I’ll probably cave and poas, it’s a sickness.

I have to keep looking at this positively, which means if/when I get AF then I’ll know at least I had a regular cycle. I ovulated and had a regular LP and hopefully it won’t be another 4 / 5 months until it happens again.