19 DPO

So today is 19DPO – 19 fucking days. And, of course, my temp dropped – below cover line. The end is near. I’m devastated, but trying not to be. Of course, hope is whispering in my ear that I’m not out yet. That, the temp could bounce back tomorrow. I made a mistake last night. I said to H. something about New Years and not wanting to go out because I can’t drink. He asked me why and said, in a really snotty voice, “Because I’m pregnant.” Then, I backtracked and said that I could be pregnant.

I was so hopeful. And, now it’s just so depressing. I keep having this thought in my head, “Start the year as you will continue”. A growing part of me thought I’d be starting the year pregnant. Now, I know I won’t. I don’t want to start the year as I will continue this way – infertile and broken. I actually thought today “Can there really be a God.” How can s/he let this happen to people? Why can’t s/he hear my prayer? What have I done to deserve this?

I do not go to church but I do believe in a higher power. I do believe that there is someone watching out for us. I just don’t understand why I (we, all of us infertile women) am chosen to go through this.

H. wants to go out tonight for New Years because it’s boring to stay home and we always do that… blah blah blah. I don’t want to be around people, I want to howl, scream, punch, yell and sleep. Only in sleep can I really get away from this. Can I just sleep away new years? Sleep away the pain of the last 2 years. It’s officially 2 years of really trying. 2 years of being a member on fertility friend. Because my cycles are so short it’s 28 failed cycles.

There are many good things in my life, but today, I only see what I’m lacking. There’s a part of me that thinks maybe it’s time to take a break. But, I’m 37, 38 in April. I’m getting too old to have children – not for myself but for them. Who wants to be 12 years old and have a 55 year old mom? It needs to happen now/soon. I’m officially just blathering on now. Sorry for the moaning.

Edited to Add: as of 12:25pm we have creamy brown spotting.

Could it be?

This is a log I am keeping for myself, so that I can get all of this wondering out of my head and not jinx myself by sharing it with the world.

I think I’m pregnant. Just typing that scares the hell out of me… ‘cause I don’t want to be wrong.

I’m 18DPO I had spotting on 15DPO. I never spot. I’m worried. My temperature is coming down. I think that this is a chemical pregnancy and I’m terrified to POAS. I don’t want to see a negative, and I don’t want to see a light line. I have no one I can talk to about this. H. just doesn’t get it. He thinks we should just wait and see. He’s not excited or disappointed or worried or anything – he’s just so matter of fact about things and doesn’t see what I’m getting all worked up about.

There’s a part of me that I am desperately trying to control… the one whispering “this could be it”; the one that wants to go crazy with happiness to scream and cheer and jump up and down. I can’t let go of my control because if this is not a pregnancy or it is and it goes south…how will I be able to take it.

These are my symptoms – kind of sore boobs, missed period, shooting cramps in my thighs (mainly left thigh), acute sense of smell (but this is kind of true all of the time), cramps in my lower ab – particularly left side so of course I’m thinking if this is it, then it’s an ectopic. And, after writing that I think well, are they symptoms or am I just reading things into this.

Or, is my body just all fucked up again. I want answers but I’m too chicken shit to try to get them.

So where does that leave me/us. Waiting. Waiting to see if af shows up. Waiting to see if it doesn’t. In the meantime, I’ll try to gather my courage to go and get the answers that I need.

Time to Relax

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. The holidays were crazy busy and I'm just getting back my equillibrium now. I'm dealing with something right now that I want to post about but can't. Over the next couple of days it should play itself out and then I'll be able to talk about it. Right now there are too many things running around my head for me to deal with it.

Christmas was a crazy hectic day, but i was completely spoiled. Loved it!

Merry Christmas!!!!

I'm not religious, in fact I'm agnostic (I believe in a higher power, I just don't have to go to a special building to express it) to me Christmas means love, family, joy, dreams coming true so when I wish you a Merry Christmas - I'm really just wishing you all of those things.

Merry Christmas to all of my friends visiting my little corner of the webosphere. This time of year is not particularly easy nor stress free, but I think we can all muddle through the best we can. No guilt. I'm declaring a guilt free Christmas.

It is ok to feel what we're feeling - normal even. So that doesn't leave room for guilt.

I raise my glass of Christmas cheer (homemade eggnog and spiced rum if you must know) and send this Christmas wish to you:

May the dreams you hold in you heart, be held in your arms next year.

Mini-rant

I'm tired of the two sides to ab_ortion rights referred to as pro ab_ortion vs. pro life.

I am pro CHOICE not pro ab_ortion. The other side is ANTI - CHOICE.

I believe that women should have the right to make a choice for themselves. The government should keep its hands off of my body. You have the right to disagree, but not the right to tell me what I can or cannot do.

For the record, I think that everything should be done to educate women and help them avoid having to ever make this kind of decision. However, if it comes down to it there should be a choice.

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

A Meme - 2008 in Review

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t do a resolution this year. I will make one or more for next year, but I have to put some thought into it so I can make sure that they are achievable.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
IRL – No, several of my web friends did.

Did anyone close to you die?
Touch wood – no.

What countries did you visit?
US – we went to Florida in March. And Green Bay in January for the NFC Championship game.

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
This is a tough one. Learning to run 10 and 1s.

What was your biggest failure?
IUI – August 2008

What was the best thing you bought?
Our new car – HHR.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
I don’t really have a response for this.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Nor this one.

Where did most of your money go?
Food, debt and shelter

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Lambeau Field for the NFC Championships, watching Brett Favre & the Green Bay Packers lose to the NY Giants in the 3rd coldest game in history. Experience of a lifetime.

What song will always remind you of 2008?
4 Minutes – Madonna (feat. J.T.)

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder?
Happier

Thinner or fatter?
fatter

Richer or poorer?
Richer

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spending time with my friends laughing and going to movies with my husband.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying about my fertility

How will you be spending Christmas?
Surrounded by family and loved ones.

Did you fall in love in 2008?
No, but I continued to be in love.

How many one-night stands?
None – I’m a married lady now.

What was your favorite TV program?
Gray’s Anatomy – it used to be Gilmore Girls, but they took it off the air.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope.

What was the best book you read?
Glass Castle was a good one, as was The Secret Life of Bees, oh, Such a Pretty Fat was also very good. And the Slow Fat Triathlete. Do I have to pick just one?

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm this is a tough one. Oh – that the Sunday Night Football song sung by Faith Hill is a rip off of “I Hate Myself for Loving You” by Joan Jett. Which as I have later found out was done on purpose.

What did you want and get?
I wanted a new HHR and got it.

What did you want and not get?
A baby.

What were your favorite films of this year?
Sex and the City was good, I don’t really have a standout.

What did you do on your birthday?
Had a nice dinner with my husband.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Whatever fits.

What kept you sane?
My Steel Magnolias, my fellow IF bloggers, my husband, my dogs, my friends.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jason Statham or Vince Vaughn

What political issue stirred you the most?
Earlier this year the Canadian government tried to put back-door controls on freedom of speech. That pissed me off.

The fact that Stephen Harper – the pseudo-dictator called an election to get re-elected in yet another minority government. A huge waste of money for no change.
Obama.

The Big 3 Bail-out. It has to happen; there are too many people that are directly and indirectly affected if these automakers are to go under. You can give $700 billion to a bunch of crooked assholes that pissed away people’s money, but $15 billion to actually protect your GDP, inflation rate, unemployment rate and people’s lives is too much to ask?!!!

Who did you miss?
I missed my Grandpa D. I missed my uncle Earl. I missed my Grannie.

Who was the best new person you met?
Lost in Space. All of the Steel Magnolias.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
To love and accept myself.
I have also taken that serenity prayer to heart – to change the things that I can, accept the things that I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find.. you get what you need.

Fragile

Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear. (A XMAS Story)

I’ve been feeling a little fragile lately, like I’m just going to breakdown crying at any given moment. I don’t know when I turned into such a suck, but there you have it. We cut down our Christmas tree on Sunday; we couldn’t find a tree exactly to my wishes and when we had to settle for a short fat tree instead of a tall, full tree I almost cried. I pouted all the way back to the car.

Yesterday the hubby and I played hookey, it was nice. We were watching tv and an old comedian from my childhood was being interviewed. I almost started crying because seeing him reminded me of what a great childhood that I’d had. All the things I’d done with my parents. Things I wanted to do with my kids. Kids that I don’t have…

Every road seems to lead back to my inability to get pregnant.

I need to shake off this feeling. I need to realize that there are so many things in my life that are good… my husband, my puppies, my family, my fil, my friends, my job and co-workers, our home. Having a baby will enhance the picture. It’s not the whole; it’s simply a part of the picture.

I’m starting to thing about my New Years Resolutions. Usually, I’m not big on them and I rarely stick to them, but this year I may actually do it.

WTF?

Well, my temps are all weird and it looks like I o’d on CD5. Yep CD5. Fucking great. I know I’m all messed up again. This just sucks. Last year I told my husband that I was going to do that Secret thing and focus on my goal. I wrote a story, I thought about it every day… me glowing, laughing and pregnant standing next to our Christmas tree in 2008. If I really ovulated already that means our last chance to be pregnant for Christmas 2008 is gone. Who am I kidding – was there ever even a chance? Oh sure, my RE gave us a 10% chance of getting pg on our own. But, really if it was going to happen that way wouldn’t it have already?!

I guess I’m looking for my own little Christmas miracle.

I’m going to my naturopath today to have a little acupuncture. I can’t wait for 2009 so that I can get it covered again. I used up my $500 naturopath and $500 acupuncture coverage already for 2008.

On a completely different note it was my father in laws 75th birthday yesterday. He was born in Queens_land, Austra_lia in a little town called Ayr*e. We took him to see the movie named for his homeland last night. He grew up in the era of the movie and it was a walk down memory lane for him. I found it to be a pretty good movie – beautifully shot – but long – 2hrs 45minutes movie. It’s worth it to see it in the theatre because of the cinematography.

100th Post

Perhaps there should be balloons and confetti falling from the ceiling in honour of this, my 100th post. But, I’d be lying if I said my heart was in it. I am on CD2 of Cycle #28. Fucking #28. I have on average a 25 day cycle, for all intents and purposes I ovulate every month, H.’s spermies are just shiny except for that little retrograde ejaculation problem. The Sud.afed is supposed to take care of that. I do have that pesky elevated FSH 12 being my highest, 7.2 being the last CD3 result. We have about a 10% chance of getting pregnant without intervention. I think my eggs are fucked. What other reason can there be? We have had PERFECTLY timed intercourse, then I have my perfect temp shift, eggwhites etc. Then I get a red parade into my next cycle. It has to be my eggs.

We have done one unsuccessful IUI with injections. We will do another in January – well hopefully that one will be successful. So, I feel like such a lame ass for even complaining. I know women who have been through so much more than I have; miscarriages and repeated failed IVFs, even losing the baby at almost full term. (God how heart breaking that would be) So, I know that my 28 cycles, with one failed IUI is not much to complain about. I just find it all so unfair. I want to scream my lungs out, rage against the unfairness of it all. I want to sit in a dark room and cry and stare until I can’t feel anymore. Instead I’ll go about my day, smiling, joking, working… moving forward while that small ember of hope builds back up into a flame.

Off Topic

There’s a woman who posts on a message board that I go on that for some unknown reason (well unknown reason to me, obviously it’s known to her) will just not reply to anything I post. I will write posts directly to her – asking questions or providing advice and every one goes ignored. At first I thought I was jumping to conclusions – which are easy to do on a message board. But, I have been doing my only little test to see if what I think is happening is actually happening. It is. I’m really not sure what I’ve done to piss her off, but somehow something that I’ve written must have rubbed her the wrong way.

I kind of care and then again I really could care less. I guess I care because I want to be liked by people. I generally try to be a nice person and be genuinely interested in those around me. So, it’s not often that I run into someone that really dislikes me (that I’m aware of).

I just realized something. (Is this what they call an Aha moment?) This person knows someone that knew me (or of me) a long time ago in real life. Perhaps that has played a role in this.

Whatever. I am not sure why I even felt that this was post worthy. It was irking me so I guess I just needed to get it out.

/whine

A Trip to the Store

H. and I were out shopping at our local discount store over the weekend, checking out the discounts on Christmas cards, paper etc. The store is famous for the “white trashiness” of its clientele. Armed security guards etc, etc. This family walked past us in one of the aisles – the parents had to be in their early 20s, they had 4 very cute kids but it was really obvious that they didn’t have any money. The parents were swearing at each other and their kids. My heart broke for those little ones. As they passed by us, H. looked at me and said, “It’s so unfair – how come they can have 4 kids and we can’t even have one”

I just shrugged. There is no easy answer as to why some people can get pregnant so easily while others can’t. We don’t deserve children any more than anyone else, but I’m pretty sure we don’t deserve them any less either. Infertility is so frustrating. It can get into all aspects of your life. Even a silly trip to the store for frivolous things can be turned sour.

We both moved on and got back into the holiday spirit. But, the thought lingers with me… why not us?