100th Post

Perhaps there should be balloons and confetti falling from the ceiling in honour of this, my 100th post. But, I’d be lying if I said my heart was in it. I am on CD2 of Cycle #28. Fucking #28. I have on average a 25 day cycle, for all intents and purposes I ovulate every month, H.’s spermies are just shiny except for that little retrograde ejaculation problem. The Sud.afed is supposed to take care of that. I do have that pesky elevated FSH 12 being my highest, 7.2 being the last CD3 result. We have about a 10% chance of getting pregnant without intervention. I think my eggs are fucked. What other reason can there be? We have had PERFECTLY timed intercourse, then I have my perfect temp shift, eggwhites etc. Then I get a red parade into my next cycle. It has to be my eggs.

We have done one unsuccessful IUI with injections. We will do another in January – well hopefully that one will be successful. So, I feel like such a lame ass for even complaining. I know women who have been through so much more than I have; miscarriages and repeated failed IVFs, even losing the baby at almost full term. (God how heart breaking that would be) So, I know that my 28 cycles, with one failed IUI is not much to complain about. I just find it all so unfair. I want to scream my lungs out, rage against the unfairness of it all. I want to sit in a dark room and cry and stare until I can’t feel anymore. Instead I’ll go about my day, smiling, joking, working… moving forward while that small ember of hope builds back up into a flame.