That was tough

On Saturday we had a family party at my Aunt's place in the country in honour of Canada Day (July 1st). In Canada we get the day off, but it's a Wednesday, so in order to properly whoop it up we celebrated early. It was a pretty good time.

My cousin was there with her 1 month old baby girl... my Mom held the baby for about an hour, smiling and cooing at the baby. And, slowly breaking my heart. You see I got my period that morning which was the final confirmation that the recent IUIs had not worked.

I felt alone and isolated at that party. Oh and it was great when my Aunt forced me to hold the baby. She was adorable and smelled great. It was bittersweet.

I wish I could find the old me.

Michael Jackson

The 80's was the decade where I had my first kiss, went to my first boy-girl dance, learned how to drive, had my first beer and developed my taste in music. I was completely enamored with Abba - I had all of there albums including SuperTrooper (one of my faves). The first album that I bought was Blondie, then the The Village People Go West, down the road Thriller entered my hands.

I never became one of the screaming girls enthralled by MJ, but I loved his music nonetheless. He changed the face of music (no pun intended) and of music videos for the better. It is that MJ that I am mourning today. Truly though, that MJ has been gone for a very long time.

I find it incredibly hypocritical that the same newspapers, radio and television stations that were calling him a monster and plastering pictures of his absent nose or him dangling children from balconies are now going on and on about what an icon we will be missing.

This man was incredibly flawed, I believe in more ways than most people. He is a cautionary tale and should not be made into some sort of saint. It's so normal for us to do these things; to only remember the good and throw out the bad when someone dies.

My condolences are with his family and children. His music was an anthem for my generation.

Negative

Another fucking negative pregnancy test, I knew it, but it still hurts. I actually felt my disappointment today.

Now we have 4 natural cycles with this clinic and then we’ll get the boot.

I’m not going to the clinic this month. We’re going to the cottage in the middle of July and I don’t want to be worrying about this while we’re there. On the plus side now I can buy Wii Active and start working out again.

I don’t know where we go from here. Looks like donor eggs or a clinic in the States. I don’t know it seems the only thing that actually guarantees that you’ll have a baby at the end of all of this is adoption.

I am in shock that this is my life. How the fuck did I get here?!

EDITED to ADD

Thank-you for your comments. I'm touched to have people following along on my little saga. Your kind words and support mean a lot to me.

Playing Hookey

I'm playing hookey today. I just couldn't face another day of sitting at my desk doing meaningless work. I am bone-deep sad and I realized that I'm really stressed. You can tell because it doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing my hands will be clenched in fists. I don't even realize I'm doing it.

Today I've been watching crap reality tv and having a little cry. I didn't really cry when I found out it's the end of the road with our RE. I think once the beta comes back on Thursday things will be more real and the countdown to donor eggs or whatever else is out there will commence.

I so want to be pregnant, but I'm just not feeling it. I have no symptoms. Well, my boobs aren't sore. My nips were sore for a few days (around 5DPIUI to 9DPIUI), but that's completely gone now. I have had a lot of diarrhea - that happens sometimes for me particularly around my time of the month. In other words there's nothing out of the ordinary for me. I'm trying to stay upbeat and hopeful, but today I"m not feeling it. God, please let me be wrong.

We've decided that we're going to try only on the months where my day 3 numbers are good. So, the first month that we don't have good numbers I'm going to take the opportunity to start working out again. I've been ambivalent about working out because I don't want to put at risk any early pregnancy. You know, you're not supposed to start a workout routine when you're first pregnant. So, I'll work out for the length of my cycle (hopefully it will be a 28 day-er) and then my body will be used to the regime by the time we're ready to try for the next month. I kind of feel like I need to start living my full life again and not just focusing on this one aspect.

The problem is that I feel like I'm hollow and I don't know how to go about living a full life. I guess I just take baby steps. (Ew, sorry, no pun intended. That was unfortunate)

Why.

Today I was walking up Yonge St in Toronto and was passing a fast food restaurant. A teenager dressed from head to toe in hot pink, talking on a hot pink cellphone said something to me as I walked by. I kind of ignored her and she came up to me and said "I'm not asking for money, I'm pregnant can you buy me lunch".

Sigh. I said no because she had a CELL PHONE - go get the person paying for your cell or the person who bought you the drugs that you're clearly on and have them buy your gd lunch. Of course she was pregnant - I noticed the paunch afterwards. This little strung out thing can get pregnant and I can't.

I felt guilty for a while afterwards, thinking about her future child and how it will probably be malnourished. I also thought crazily, give me your baby and I'll feed you and clothe you and take care of you until you're back on your feet.

It's obviously spring/summer because there are pregnant ladies everywhere. I just didn't need to meet this particular one today.

Sorry for all of the negative posts lately.

I'm trying to be more upbeat, and will try to post more uplifting stuff in the future.

Lovely Dream

Last night I had a dream that I gave birth to a baby girl. It was amazing and as dreams go, pretty weird. We were at our house, that wasn't our house, having a party of sorts. My parents were there, my brother and my husband as well as several close friends. When I went into labour all of the friends were in the back room while we were in the front. We being H., my parents, my brother and I. Then it zoomed in on my and my Mom was right there. I gave birth on the living room floor. I reached down between my legs as I delivered the baby. And, there was no pain, no lead up. I just pushed a couple times and out she came. We didn't have any towels or anything and I wrapped her in my housecoat. She had the chubbiest cheeks and looked like one of my cousin's daughters.

It was incredible. I was so happy. We were so happy.

I want that.

Thank-you for all of your comments to yesterday's news. I'm not sure where we go from here, but I haven't given up hope. Maybe I'm stupid or maybe just plain stubborn. But, until the fat lady sings, I'm not giving up. Now, that may mean donor eggs (I feel like there's a whole lot of weirdness that goes with that particularly if it's a known donor) or it could mean adoption. Whatever it means, I want a child, I want to be a mother.

Follow Up Appointment

We had our follow up appointment today and got our results and our plan for the future.

My AMH was 5.3 - signifies Low Ovarian Response, which we already knew because of my high FSH.

H's DNA Fragmentation results came back. 10% were fragmented. The lab's guideline is that anything under 15% means Expected Excellent Fertility.

When we reviewed our protocol the doctor noted that it didn't matter that I was on 300 of Puregon, that nothing responded extraordinarily. So, his recommendation to us is to try for 4 more good cycles (where FSH is low) with them doing natural monitored cycles. After that he's not sure what to do with us. we can do natural iui and/or natural iui. I will go in on CD3 for bloodwork, not sure how I'll tell if/when I'm ovulating and then will trigger. I also said how good I felt on the estrogen and could I continue that. The answer was yes. So, I'll also be adding estrogen to my luteal phase.

He told me that basically I'll be out of eggs in 2 years and basically we shouldn't be going to the clinic after the next 4 cycles because the stress of trying is just too much. And, we have as much luck on our own as we do at the clinic. He was all pretty up beat when we spoke about this. Oh and of course he'll work with us if/when we want to go the donor egg route.

He didn't say we're completely out of it and our chances are definitely not 0. But, he also didn't say exactly what our chance are. I'm assuming less than 5%.

It is just difficult to go to a clinic and be told that there's not very much they can do for us.

As I'm thinking about this I think he fired us as patients. Or at least we've been given our notice.

My husband is feeling pretty upbeat and positive about today's appointment. I'm trying to as well.

Drive by PG Announcement

Here I am sitting at my desk, watching the minutes tick by until I get to go for my fabulous acupuncture appointment and then it happened - a woman in my office standing in the middle of our group of cubicles talking about being made fun of because she’s going to get fat.

I got run over by the drive by pregnancy announcement. Then I got pulled into a conversation about her due date being December 25th and how that sucks for the kid etc etc. Now this woman is fabulous – she really is. And, I’m really happy for her.

I could have lived without hearing about how they were just supposed to be “practicing”. Sigh. I just kept smiling and nodding and feeling like a complete fraud.

You see even though I am sincerely happy for her, I have these thoughts that flit through my brain that I force myself to ignore. You know thoughts about how I would kill to get pregnant. And, now that she’s announced I’m definitely not getting my bfp this month. Or how I would kill to have a baby at any time regardless of if it’s inconvenient for me. Or how I really do feel like a fraud or that I’ve somehow gone off track and ended up in fertile land. Oh look at all of us fertile ladies that just get pregnant by lying on our back and throwing our legs in the air. I’m such a phony in these conversations. I’ll be lucky if my husband is in the room when I get pregnant.

On a positive note, I’m not sad or depressed at all. I am genuinely happy for my co-worker and I’m not going to torture myself by thinking any further past that emotion.

Men!

Something has been bugging me a little bit and subconsciously it’s been on a slow burn. A couple times H has said to me that he could get another woman pregnant and that he’s got working parts. And, isn’t it great of him to stand by me, because, you know, some guys wouldn’t. I mean. W. T. F!!! I know logically that it’s true. He has great sperm and he could get another woman pregnant. But what does he want, a medal? I feel like telling him not to do me any favours and not to play the martyr.

Our relationship is not solely dependent on my ability or lack thereof to get pregnant. So why would the decision to stay or go be based on that?

It just irks me that I’m married to a fertile! (who is infertile by proxy)

Disclaimer: He doesn’t mean it the way it sounds. And, I know he sees my problems as ours. It’s just irksome – you know?


Edited to Add: Thank-you for your support! My husband isn't a jerk. I would say he's non-thinking at times. I think he was really worried that there was something wrong with his junk and was just glad that there wasn't. And, he doesn't want to have children with anyone but me. It did bother me that he said it though. So, thanks for letting me vent.

Nice Weekend

I am 4DPIUI#2 and I have 0 symptoms. Is it too early to feel anything? Please say yes. I don't want to go down this route to crazyville, searching for symptoms that don't exist. Blah. How many times can you grab your own boobs during the course of a day?

We had a very pleasant weekend. The weather was nice, we were busy enough to have things to do, but it was quiet enough to enjoy our quiet time. We went to see My.Life.In.Ruins on Saturday night. I enjoyed it a lot. Nia Vardalos is a fellow IFer that recently adopted a little girl after 10 years of IF struggles. She's also a fellow Canadian. The movie was not great, but I did find it entertaining. There are funny moments and Richard Dreyfuss is very good. It made me feel like I had been on the tour of Greece with them. Definitely made me want to travel there. It's no Big.Fat.Greek.Wedding, but it's good. We took my FIL to see it for Father's Day since he'll be away next weekend. Then we went to dairy.queen for some ice cream. MMmmmmmm dairy.queen.

I also finished knitting a baby blanket for my friend who is expecting her first born (a boy) in early July. It looks like this one, except the one I knit is in baby blue.




I'm going to knit one for our little package whenever that should happen for us. This is what I'll be knitting eventually:

IUI#2

Second verse, same as the first. A little bit louder and a little bit worse...

I've been sperminated for the second day in a row. Apparently the IUIs were timed perfectly - yesterday right before ovulation, today right after ovulation. My estrogen had dropped and my LH had dropped and my progesterone is increasing. I'm on crinone for the next two weeks. Beta is June 25th. I'm going to try and not think about things. Hahahahahahahahahahaha - who am I fooling?!

Had a long chat with Dr. P after the meeting. Don't know if I've told you who she is before. She's the dr. that does the IUIs at Dr. H 2.0's office. She's awesome and upbeat. Pretty straight forward with me, which I appreciate.

I find it so hard to believe that this could end up in pregnancy. I mean to this point nothing has worked, so what makes this time different? I need to keep the faith, I know. It's just so difficult.

IUI Today

OK, so here’s my daily update. There is one follie 1.85 on the left; the one on the right did not get any larger. So, there’s that. We are still doing the IUIs with the hopes that the tube is indeed open. I’m not getting my hopes up too high, but I am hopeful.

I go back at noon with a full bladder and the procedure should take all of 5 to 10 minutes. H. can’t be with me today so I’m on my own which is fine with me. He’ll be there tomorrow.

Here’s what we know for sure from this protocol. I really don’t respond well to stims at all regardless of the estrogen. My body liked the estrogen though because my lining is 1.1 and I have copious amounts of ewcm. My lining has never been higher than .8 for an IUI or IVF.

Oh, I have to tell you about my blood letting this morning. I am so bruised that they had to use the major vein on my right arm. The vein that they never use. The reason they don’t use that vein is because it hurts like a son of a bitch. Even with the butterfly needle it was excruciating. There were two of us having our blood taken and I didn’t want to look like a wimp, but I actually whimpered and my leg twitched when the nurse put the needle in. It hurt for a good 10 minutes afterwards as well.

After, bloods and ultrasound I met briefly with the nurse and then went to the public washroom and gave myself my trigger shot. I am so laissez faire with all of this stuff now. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself.

Thanks for the well wishes yesterday. It’s so neat to have people cheering me on from around the world (well really North America and Europe!)

E.T.A.

So, I had my IUI. I love Dr. P. She’s the IUI doctor at my clinic and she’s awesome. The first thing she said is that the SHG is not reliable for the tubes and that there is a good chance that my left tube is in fact open. She also said that if it was her, she’d be going for it too. They do the IUI by guided ultrasound. So cool (despite having to have a full bladder). I got to see the semen being injected into my uterus. Dr. P said she was surprised to see the sample move so quickly because usually they have to wait a couple of seconds to see it move. The sample actually moved very quickly towards my left tube (exactly where we wanted it to move). We didn’t actually see if the sperm progressed up the tube, so who knows. It was pretty cool though.

I go back in tomorrow for my 2nd IUI.

We have cable!

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for your support and kind words. It means so much more than you can understand (or maybe you can).

I had yet another b/w and u/s today. Again it took 2 hours to get out of there. Just insane. The lead on the left is now 1.7 and the right is 1.3. I'm seriously talking to my right ovary all of the time and cheering on the follies there. The plan is another 300 of puregon tonight and back in again tomorrow. Why does this feel so much like a marathon?

Things definitely got better yesterday. We have our cable and internet back. Turns out that they weren't supposed to string it across the street, it was supposed to go through our backyard. So that's fixed now and we shouldn't have that problem again. Just that little bit of news has made my world a somewhat better place.

Edited to Add

Just got the phone call from the clinic, my estrogen is up - 620 (206 US) and so is my LH which means that we are going to IUI. We go in tomorrow morning and do IUI#1. Thursday will be IUI#2. Here's the twist, since I'm about to ovulate naturally the lead on the left I won't do the trigger until tomorrow morning. Hopefully, the little guy on the right will be brought along and will pop loose on the following day. There's hope and dread rising. Hope because this could be it, dread because I hate getting my hopes up.

In which, I'm sad

Disclaimer: What you are about to read is negative in nature. There may be some whinging, some “why me’s” and a few tears.

Let’s travel back in time to Friday, June 5th, I went in for my blood work and ultrasound and made my way to work. I went back in at 1pm to have my SHG and also to talk about the results from the morning with my nurse. I had an SHG a year ago, full patency and spillage on both ovaries and my uterus was beautiful. Fast forward to Friday, I wasn’t nearly as nervous as a year previous and thought this was merely a formality. Nope. Right tube open? Check. Uterus still beautifully shaped? Check. Left tube nicely open? Um, no. That tube appears to be blocked. The doctor noted that it could possible be the muscles had contracted and therefore closed the tube. I mentioned that to the nurse and she quite strongly told me “Nope, it’s blocked.”

Just another kick in the teeth from Mother Nature. On to my results, estrogen has started to increase; all 6 follies are still under 1.0. They’re not cancelling me yet.

Sunday, I headed back in. The waiting room was packed. It took an hour and a half to get my blood taken and the ultrasound done. I was out of there in just over 2 hours. The follies are still small, but there is a lead at 1.2 on my left ovary. Of course, there is. On the ovary that doesn’t have a functional tube. The second largest is .9 on the right. My estrogen was 277 (or 92 in US numbers).

Went back in this morning and don’t know what my numbers are. I’m just feeling more and more dejected.

As to the rest of my weekend… Saturday was my friend’s baby shower. I was amazing, you would have been so proud of me. I even touched her belly. I didn’t cry at all, even when everyone was still talking and eating and I was in the bathroom giving myself a shot. I didn’t even cry that night. The tears came on Sunday.

Also, on Saturday the cable for our tv cable and internet was ripped from the house again. We were without internet/tv for the rest of the weekend. I had two assignments I was supposed to be working on and hubby had stuff for the business he’s trying to start. We didn’t get anything done. The guy is coming tonight to fix us back up.

And, after the news of the blocked tube we’ve decided to look into adoption. Get the ball rolling, while we continue to try with the clinic.

I feel like there’s just so much piled against me/us. I try to stay positive and keep pushing through but I feel hope waning. I’m trying to hold onto it, but it’s slipping through my fingers.

ETA: Lead follie on left 1.4, lead follie on right 1.2, Estrogen is now 420(140US) so it almost doubled over night. Back to the clinic tomorrow morning.

Wasn't Expecting That

Lucky me got two trips to the clinic today. One this morning for my blood work and ultrasound. Still 6 follies, still under 1.0mm. My estrogen is rising (153 Canadian measurement) so we're still in the game. There was a couple that brought their toddler into the office today. She was noisy and spoiled and was running around. A lot of the women in the waiting room were getting uncomfortable. Giving the parents dirty looks, shifting in their seats so that they weren't facing the happy little family. Both parents were there, so why wouldn't one of them entertain the kid elsewhere while they were waiting? It sort of bothered me, but I know that it really bothers a lot of infertile women. It's pretty insensitive.

So, 2nd trip today was for my SHG. Beautiful, perfectly shaped uterus just yearning to nourish a baby. Right tube, fully open. Left tube, not so much. The Dr. said that SHG's aren't the best for testing if your tubes are open. It's really a way to see if the uterus is shaped properly, if there's any growths etc. It could be that the muscles just contracted around the tube and temporarily closed it. Or it could be that it's simply closed. fuck. I'm trying to look at the brightside. I have one open tube on the right. The right ovary is where I get the majority of my follicles. So, hopefully it doesn't change my odds too much. I have to have an HSG next cycle.

What the hell is happening here? Why would my tube go from being open a year ago to closed now? I hate this.

Even with what seems like bad news topped on bad news hope is still rearing her head.

Today's Update

Had more blood work and an ultrasound to check on the follies today. It seems that I still have 6, but they are not responding very quickly to the meds. All are under 1.0 right now. I am to continue on with my shots and go back Friday morning for my next appointment. Dr. P (she’s the IUI doc) came in and spoke with me. She said that everything is where they want to see it right now. She didn’t want to see me ready to ovulate on CD8. So, I’m feeling pretty good.

Now, of course, I’m worried that I’m over-suppressed and that my ovaries will just go on strike. I hope that’s not the case. The meds are a lot of money and I’d hate to be doing all of this just to get cancelled.

EPP Explanation

I was googling EPP and found a great explanation on a message board and have unceremoniously ripped it off for your viewing pleasure. My goal is to educate and entertain (not really, it's mostly just to have a place to vent!)

EPP = Estrogen Priming Protocol

"The purpose of estrogen priming (taking estrogen BEFORE stimulation) or taking birth control pills is to supress the FSH and give the follicles a rest. It's like listening to music or going to a loud rock concert- let's say you go to the really loud concert. You've had music just blaring at you for like 3 hours. Afterward, you can't hear a thing unless someone is screaming at you. But, with time, if you go to a quiet place, your ears become re-sensitized to sound and can hear more. It's the same with FSH. The feeling is if you have high FSH, your body has been screaming at your follicles so much so that they're no longer sensitive to the FSH call. Down-regulating with estrogen allows follicles to become "re-sensitized"."

I Feel Like an Asshat

Remember me talking about the cousin that got pregnant. She had a miscarriage. I feel like an asshat for being even an iota envious of her for being able to do what my body hasn't done as of yet. I know I never wished her illwill, nor did I want her to lose the baby. I hate to even write this, but I just had a feeling that she was going to miscarry. I was even checking the board dealing with that topic to see if she had posted.

I do get 'feelings' every once in a while and I'm usually pretty spot on. I hate that my feeling was right in this case.

Sisterhood Awards

Sandra D of Keeping my head out of the stove…while waiting for a bun in the oven nominated me for a Sisterhood award. I have seen these awards before, but never thought I would be the recipient of one. Thank-you, again, Sandra D. for the nomination!



Here are the guidelines for this award:

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.
2) Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
3) Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
4) Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I have listed 5 blogs because quite a few of the blogs I read are private.

1. Just Another Cycle
2. Were You Looking For Me
3. Frustrated Musings of a Seemingly Calm Gal
4. How to Get from 0 to Pregnant in 365 Easy Steps
5. Tales of the Phoenix