It's a Go

Well, it looks like we're good to go. I passed the final hurdle before making the trip to CR today. I went for my ultrasound this morning and endured the longest cootercam exam known to mankind. I was seriously on the table for 25 minutes - for a lining and follicle check. I have no follicles (yay! because I was worried, based on all the ewcm that I had, that I'd o'd through the lupron) and my lining is .73cm. I also have a simple cyst in my vaginal cul de sac that is measuring 1.4 x 1.2 x 1.0 cm, that sounds pretty big to me. I don't think it will have any impact on the DEIVF though and I don't think that it will interfere with implantation. I thought the technician was getting her kicks by torturing me on the table - there weren't any stirrups, so I had to lay with my knees bent in an awkward postion for almost half an hour. By the end, my left leg was getting all shakey and crampy. Oh well, it's done now.

I then went to work and got a half caf, half decaf coffee from Tim's. Bad idea. I had a mild panic attack for the first time in a couple of weeks this afternoon. I'm blaming the coffee. I haven't had a caffeinated coffee in quite a while. Caffeine doesn't like me any more. Sigh. I used to love my morning coffee. I wonder if it will always have this affect on me. I still have a decaf every morning, but it's not the same.

I can't believe we leave next Tuesday for our trip, it just feels surreal. And, there's a part of me that just kind of wants to skip over the trip and wake up to find out the results. I'm trying to be excited about going to Prague, but I'm just not interested. I also feel like an asshole for lying to EVERYONE that has asked me "oh, Prague, I hear it's beautiful, what made you pick there?" We don't want to have too many people waiting on news of the results and if it's bad news we definitely don't want to have that conversation over and over. The end justifies the means to us, but still I don't feel very good about it. Then there's the trip itself. I am excited to go to Europe and to see the history of the city in Prague. But, we're not really going on vacation. Neither H. nor I would have Prague in the top 10 places we want to visit, so if it wasn't for this DEIVF, we would not be going there. We are going to make the best of it and I'm sure once we're there we'll both love it. I just don't want to have that feeling of filling up the time so that we can get to the real business, if you know what I mean.

Well, this post hasn't really gone the way that I wanted. I really wanted to write about all of the feelings that I'm having. The swirl of nervousness, excitement and hope - god the hope - it's all a little terrifying. And, I'm so superstitious about how I'm feeling that I'm scared to put it down in writing.

Only 5 more days, until we leave, hopefully 12 more days until transfer and 26 days until we know the results of all of this. For now, I just have to take it one day at a time.