2009 – The Year in Review

I have to admit I’m happy to see this year almost over. It hasn’t been a stellar year. It marked my highest FSH reading to date – 19.9, a couple failed IUIs, a failed IVF, a change of clinics (the grass wasn’t any greener), month after month of monitored natural cycles and finally an acceptance of moving on to donor eggs. I have made lots of bloggy friends, found lots of love and support here in the inter world. I hope I have given back as much as I have received.

Despite the fertility stuff, which tends to takeover everything and which is the main focus of this blog, in other areas life has been pretty good. TOUCH WOOD. H. has been gainfully employed and has flourished in his new job that he started in December 2008 (oops that should be since November 2008 - sorry H!). He even got a raise recently. We rented a cottage in July that was wonderful. I am luckily in a role where I have a little freedom, make ok money and have about 5 weeks of vacation a year. Our friends and families are happy and healthy. We did lose Y this year, in her 89th year. So, our year was not completely tragedy free. There were ups and downs throughout the year, but in the end I think they pretty much balance out. I feel like H. and I have taken another step towards each other and to understanding each other. Even after almost 10 years together we are still negotiating our space and learning about each other. It awes me that I have found someone who is so devoted to me. Not sure how I got so lucky.

I’m sure 2010 will again be a series of ups & downs, lows & highs, but I am also sure it’s the year I will be pregnant and we’ll be on our way to fulfilling our family.

The New Year represents a clean slate to me, can’t wait to see what I write all over it.

ETA: I wrote this post last week. I forgot that I had written it. H's uncle died on Christmas day, we spent the last couple of days driving to and from Ottawa for the funeral. (about a 4 to 5 hour drive each way). ON a TTC note, this year did not end the way I wanted it to... BFN, I was really hoping for my own little Christmas miracle. I've just been away from the blogs, not posting, not commenting. I'm sorry, I just had to pull back a little bit. For those of you about to POAS I salute you.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you have a wonderful day filled with love and laughter.

It's Going Around

I have a sniffly nose (not really congested, don't really have to blow my nose, it's more like post-nasal drip), sneezing occasionally my great big booming sneezes and I'm bone-tired. My co-workers are all feeling like this. Our whole team has this stupid bug. That's why I feel so tired, there is a little woe is me in there, but it's mainly the bug.

Finished buying for my bro and his girlfriend, I have a couple more things to buy for my parents, a couple things to buy for my FIL and a few things for H. I'm slowly getting to the end of my Christmas shopping. Thank goodness the store opens at 8am.

My friends and I were talking about Christmas specials the other day. One of my absolute faves is "Nes.tor the Long-eared Chris.tmas Don.key". It's animated in the same vein as Rudolph. I just loved it as a kid. My favourite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, Scrooged, White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, Elf and I think that's it.

What are yours?

Longing

H and I went for breakfast with his Dad yesterday and then made our way to the Eat.on Centr.e for a little Christmas shopping. We were on our way to Wil.liams and So.noma when we passed the Santa Claus and the line of smiling anxious children and parents. Santa was good, I mean really good. I mean Miracle on 34th St good. He had a great red suit trimmed with faux fur and a real beard. The little kid in me jumped for joy when she saw him. We meandered past the group and up to the next level to the store. I decided I'd wait outside, which meant I could lean on the banister of the upper level and look down to the ground below where families were getting their picture taken with Santa. My heart ached as family after family placed their kids on Santa's knee. It was such a heart warming scene to be privy to, but also it just killed me. I held back the tears as the longing swelled inside of me. I want to be a Mom placing her child on Santa's knee, taking his / her picture or laughing as the child makes shy. It hurt to watch the scene below, but I just couldn't turn away.

H, and my parents and my brother and my father in law have all asked me what I want for Christmas, they asked me to provide a list. I don't need a list for that, there's really only one thing that I want. All I want for Christmas is to have a healthy baby; to have our family be completed.

So Tired...

Yawn. I am so exhausted. I am fighting off a cold and all I want to do is sleep. On top of that I just started the Crinone last night... was supposed to start the day before. And, I am just done with everything. I'm done with work and I'm done with my co-workers and I'm done with this year. I haven't got all of my Christmas stuff done and I'm completely over this holiday.

I can't believe how much stuff I have left to do. I have my Dad, H's Dad, my brother and his girlfriend and my Grandmother to buy for still. Oh and I also have to finish buying H's gifts and buy all the stuff to fill his stocking. Did I mention that all I really feel like doing is sleeping.

And, I have been eating nothing but crap. I've gained 3lbs and feel disgusting.

Do you think I could be depressed? I have felt like this for so long I don't even know if it really is just being tired or just being tired of everything. I can't wait for 2010 and a fresh perspective on things.

Done at the Clinic for 2009

This morning apparently I had a conversation with H wherein I told him that I wasn't going to the clinic today because I overslept. (The conversation took place around 6am). Well, H. being H. he took me at my word and was lolly gagging around our house. Having no recollection of the conversation, I of course was hounding him "when are you going to be ready, what do you have left to do, are you going to be ready soon etc etc" After not getting anywhere with him and starting to be in serious jeopardy of missing the clinic hours I said "It's 5 to 8am, I have to go to the clinic, when are you going to be ready?!" (ok, it may have been yelled). This is when I found out that I had told him I wasn't going to the clinic. We then ran around like crazy, got ready, and made it to the clinic by 8:33. Luckily they don't close up shop right at 8:30. I literally walked in, signed the clipboard and as I was putting the pen down they brought me in for blood work, while having my blood taken I was told to go straight back for the ultra sound. I then met with the nurse and was out of there I'd say within 10 to 15 minutes. Nurse R told me that my follie was at 1.65 - up from 1.45 yesterday. I didn't ask about my lining (have sent her an email and am awaiting news) we were just waiting to see what my estrogen is today. I was hoping we could last one more day - my estrogen was at almost 400 yesterday and I was hoping it would get to 500 as that is optimal. Well, I got the call and my blood work is back. My body has different plans for me. LH is up over 100, estrogen is down to 338. So, we have sex tonight and I start crinone tomorrow. The clinic closes on Saturday so I don't go back there for the rest of the year. I'm supposed to take a HPT on December 29th and if it's positive go back to the clinic on January 4th for a beta.

There's a small chance that we're still in the game. I'm going to cling to that little glimmer of promise.

Edited to Add: My lining is at a fluffy 1.1 today; on Friday it was .65. It's amazing to me how much things can change in a couple of days.

Oops - sorry about the bad grammar/spelling mistakes; I've corrected it now.

CD16 Update

Went to the cinic this morning. The follie is still growing - up to 1.45 from 1.1 on Friday. I go back again tomorrow and every day after that until I ovulate well, unless something weird comes back with my blood work.

That's it for now.

UPDATE: My estrogen is up, but so is my LH (50) so even though the egg is not mature and my lining is only at 6.5, it looks like I'm ovulating. We are supposed to have intercourse tonight. I go back to the clinic tomorrow.

CD14 and we have some growth

We almost missed the clinic hours again today. H. just couldn't drag his butt out of bed, I walked through the clinic door at 8:31am. The nice thing about that is that I walked in and only waited 30 seconds before being brought in for my ultra sound, then went straight in for my blood work, met with the nurse and was out of there in about 20 minutes at the most. I think this is making up for all of those times I've gotten there early and the waiting room has been packed.

News today is that I have a 0.5 on my right and a 1.1 on the left. When I met with R she told me that she thought that they would give me the weekend off, and depending on my blood work they may cancel me this cycle. I have usually ovulated by now, so this is definitely a weird cycle for me. I left the clinic hoping that I am not having another anovulatory cycle. I was a little bit down and thought this is just one more thing that is proving that it really is time for donor eggs. My body is just not cooperating with me.

Just called home and got my blood work results - Estrogen is up to 246 from 68 on Monday. They are giving me tomorrow off, but I will be going back in on Sunday. Looks like I may still be in the game after all.

A Poem

Hold on to your Dream


There's a voice that calls to some of us
From somewhere deep inside
A voice that will not give us peace,
Until at least we've tried
To catch that bright elusive star
Though foolish it may seem
To those not driven as we are
To hold on to a dream

It's not just thoughts of fame and wealth
That keep us hanging on
When others would have given up
When all but hope is gone
And sometimes even hope grows dim
But casts its faintest beam,
We wonder if it's worth it all
To hold on to a dream

And then that voice inside of us
That others cannot know
Tells us our chance will surely come,
That we must not let go
If we can only persevere
Someday our star will gleam
And we'll know why we had to try
To hold on to that dream


Author unknown

Confirmed Date

This whole donor egg thing is really going to happen. I don't know why I'm so shocked by this. When I got home from work yesterday there was a couple of emails awaiting me from myivfalternative. One was an email detailing travel information and coordinator information for our trip to Brno, the other was an email from my coordinator. We have a coordinator now named Sue. She seems nice and she's based out of LA which works out nicely for us because that means we can contact her after work here and it's still business hours for her. (We're 3 hours ahead of LA) Not only do we have a coordinator, but we have a confirmed date! We are set for April 15th. This means that we fly into Brno on April 14th, the next day H. goes to the clinic to give his "contribution" and egg retrieval takes place that day. We hopefully go back to the clinic on April 20th for a day 5 transfer. We fly home on April 22nd.

I haven't been given any donor descriptions etc yet. I think they are waiting on our medical records before they give us the info. I am waiting on our clinic to provide me with a copy of our records. I have been told that this can take 2 weeks to be completed. The clinic shuts down for the holidays on the 19th, so I hope I get my paperwork before then.

I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

Anywho, back to the clinic tomorrow for CD12 follow up. Hopefully, these follies of mine have grown and are ready to pop.

Other things

I had some other stuff up here, but I'm not comfortable posting it... wasn't sure about it before I posted and now I just took it down.

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On a completely different note, I’m not sure if I mentioned that my Mom is friends with a couple that can give me some insight into the medical system in the CR. The husband J. is from the CR and is currently in Prague, he knows a woman who is a nurse so he inquired on our behalf about the clinic and the care provided. Word back is that the clinic is very good and the care is excellent. She’s even looking into alternatives and going to provide more feedback on specific doctors. I’m so touched that he would go out of his way for us. It turns out that this couple knows first hand about infertility. In the eighties, M (the wife) went to the best fertility doctors in Toronto, she was 40 years old. They told her she was too old to do anything. They wouldn’t work with her at all, I don’t even know if donor eggs was an option back then, but she was told outright that they wouldn’t help her. I don’t know if they looked into adoption or just decided to live child free at that time. They know our pain and want to help us. I am extremely thankful for/to them.

I can almost imagine the conversation M had with her doctor. It’s pretty close to the donor egg speech, but at least there’s still something that can be done for me. This has also pointed out to me just how far medical care has come. Who knows, in 20 or 30 years, there may be something that they can do to help women with high fsh or diminished ovarian reserve. Maybe there will be a test that they can do at a younger age that will help women make informed decisions about their fertility.

CD9 check up today, I almost missed the appointment – showed up at 8:31 and the clinic is supposed to close at 8:30. The nice thing right now is that the clinic isn’t very busy because they’re closing soon for the holidays. I basically walk in get my blood work done and head straight back for an ultrasound. I’m in and out of there in around 20 minutes.

I should hear back later today as to how the follies are doing… it didn’t seem like there were any there – maybe 1 – and also find out about my estrogen.

UPDATE: Apparently I have .5 on my left and a .4 on my right. Estrogen is up to 68. I go back on Thursday for my next follow up. Weird.

Today's follow up.

Went in for my cd7 follow up appointment. Still nothing on my left ovary and still 3 small ones on my right. I am so hopeful that this month we'll actually make it to IUI and not be told "oops you're ovulating early, nothing we can do, go forth and fornicate". They also tested my prolactin today, not sure why and at this point I can't be bothered asking.

I talked to my nurse about the clots etc and it was definitely not a chemical pregnancy. She said that fibroids or cysts in the ute can often throw clots like that. I have had two SHGs (one just a few months ago) and both came back as normal pertaining my ute. I hope it was just my body clearing out the old stuff and hopefully making a nice little nest for our future babe.

Today I gave a friend a link to a site that lists successes for women with high fsh. The women all list how far along they are and also the method they used to get pregnant. I find that this list can give women like me so much hope and faith in what we're doing. However, the longer I go along dealing with this crap I feel like those women are the exceptions not the rule. There are exceptions and I pray that I will be one, but the majority of women like me will not get pregnant naturally and will not get pregnant via IVF because we don't produce enough eggs. I wish there was a magic potion I could take that would guarantee that I could move from being the rule to the exception. I wish I knew how the women that became exceptions got on that magical list. What did they do that I didn't? How are they more deserving than I am? This is one of the main reasons that I have (we have) decided to go with donor eggs. I do believe that if persistence was the only factor that eventually we will become pregnant. But, I don't want to go through the next god know's how many months/years counting days, and having forced, baby-making sessions, and being poked & prodded. There is no guarantee in anything - even adoption, but I want to give myself and my husband the best chances of forming a family while we're still young enough to appreciate it.

That said, I'm still hoping for a miracle, since we have essentially got the date of April 15th, it means I don't have to start taking BCP until February. We have two cycles left. Please let there be a miracle for us.

UPDATE
My estrogen actually dropped to 40 from 65 so I don't have to go back to the clinic until Monday. I found out why they are testing my prolactin. Actually, it's a re-test. Apparently they test for prolactin every 6 months. My last one came back slightly eleveated so that's not good and they are sending it to a provincial lab to be re-tested. I've researched elevated prolactin, and in terms of fertility it's not a good thing as it interferes with implantation. It can be linked to hypothyroidism, pcos, or a tumour on the pituitary gland. It's treatable with meds. How fucking ironic, we decide to move to donor eggs and now I may have a problem with implantation. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but seriously, why does this have to happen. Isn't running out of eggs at age 38 enough of a kick in the head?

Virtual Rally Today

Today is the day for the virutal email rally to the Ontario government to remind them that it's time to cover IVF as part of OHIP.

Here's the link in case you want to get in on it. The rally is at Noon, but even if you can't hit that time, it's better late than never.

http://www.conceivabledreams.org

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

So, as a part of my CD3 appointment, I talked to the nurse and let her know that we're going forward with donor eggs. I asked her for some medical information and also asked if they would do my cd 12/14 ultrasound prior to flying to CR for egg transfer. She said she'd talk to the dr. Well, when she called she told me that Dr. H2.0 would not work with me - e.g. he won't give me a fucking u/s that I'd pay for, and also if I want the medical information I can pay for a copy of my file (I think that's around $200). Asshole. Oh, and he wants to have a follow up appointment with me in January. What's he going to say... we tried naturally with me and it's not going to happen that way so we should move to donor eggs?! What could this man possibly tell me that I don't already know. I'm so disappointed in my experience with him. I was told that he liked a puzzle and would be aggressive in treatment. In fact, he likes the 'easy' solutions, is not aggressive and charges the most money in the city for his middle of the road approach.

As a bonus, I am going through a bit of a mind fuck because I think I had a chemical pg. TMI coming... I had two or three huge clots on Monday afternoon. Clots so big that I actually had to force them out of my cervix. Clots so big I could feel them slide down my canal. It was gross and a little scary, but not painful at all. I didn't detail my symptoms at all over the two week wait. I had extremely sore nipples, nausea, cramping etc. I even emailed myivfalternative to find out if we'd lose our deposit if I was pregnant. Maybe it was all in my head, but man if that's the case where they heck did those clots come from. How does that even happen?

On the donor egg front, we have faxed our contract to the company. I called and spoke with Mag yesterday to make sure she'd received them. She told me that she had received the docs and then started asking me about when we want to cycle. It's weird it sounds like they have pools of donors based on blood type. So, if we went with a B+ donor we could cycle as soon as March 18th. H & I are O+ and A+ respectively, so we could never have a child that is B+. Not that it matters really. But, we decided that if we're going to go with donor eggs then we should choose a donor that is as close to us (me) as possible. So, we decided to wait until the O+/A+ donor pool is available - April 15th. We have a date that we're working towards!

Reinforcement

Today is CD3 so I drank my 1L of water and headed off to the clinic (driven by H.) for my external and internal ultrasounds and blood work. I got to the clinic around 8:20am and it was dead for once. Yay, no waiting! I got poked twice - once in the arm and she couldn't get any blood and once in the back of the hand. Then it was off for my external ultasound - run to the bathroom - and back for the internal. I met with the nurse (R.) afterwards because I need to get some information from them for our trip to Czech Republic (CR). Turns out I have no visible follies on the left and 3 on the right. It will be interesting to see what my FSH is today. This just reinforces for me that moving to DE is the right decision.

UPDATED

Blood results
FSH 12.6
E2 65

Go back on Day 6 (Thursday) for follow up.

CD1 of our Last cycle with the Clinic

This will likely be our last cycle with Dr. H2.0, I got an email from Mag telling me that I need to be on monocycle birth control by January so that my cycle can be timed with the donor's. It's all a little exciting and overwhelming. It would be amazing to get pregnant on this last cycle with my eggs. But, I have to be realistic, we've been trying pretty much every month for 3 years and nothing has happened, so why would this cycle be any different? There is a small part of me that thinks if there's a lot of follicles and a low fsh that I want to do injections and go for an IUI/IVF. Isn't that crazy?! I mean I logically know I don't respond to meds, but there's a part of me that wants to continue to fight for a biological child. There are two things that are not on my side with that thought... time and money.

I made the call to the clinic today for my Day 1, I'll go on Monday for my Day 3 full bladder u/s and bloodwork and will also talk to the nurse about our plans to go the Czech Republic. Hopefully, they will agree to do all of the monitoring I need here.

Wow. This is really it. I'll start taking the bcp and then we wait to be matched. Wow.

Yum!

Turducken last night was amazing. It's nice and spicy - done Cajun style. H. and I shared an order of Hush Puppies & Tobasco sauce, I had a Red Lentil soup, followed by the Turducken (cornbread, andouille sausage & oyster stuffting, Brussel sprout au gratin and garlic mashed potatoes), dessert was bourbon pumpkin pie with a walnut streusel and fresh whipped cream. It was delicious, but I could only eat about half of everything. I have the other half for lunch today.

Last night I filled out all of the paperwork for myivfalternative. I still have a couple of questions that I'm awaiting responses on, once I have them I will fax them the paperwork. We are going to the bank tomorrow to have the home equiy line of credit funded and I need to get a new bank card since something's gone wrong with mine.

This donor egg thing is actually happening! H. and I have agreed that we will continue to try at the clinic for as long as we can before getting ready for transfer (e.g., before I have to go on BCPs). Today is CD28 so I'm just waiting to call the clinic with my Day 1. I had a weird ovulation pattern this month. It seems like my body geared up to ovulate around cd11/12 and then again on cd14-ish. So, I'm not sure if I'm currently late or right on time or if I actually ovulated at all.

UPDATE - Well, creamy brown cm has made an appearance, so tomorrow should be day 1.

Happy Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends! Hope you have a wonderful few days and can take advantage of some great shopping deals!

Brought to you by the letter T

Home equity line of credit approved? Check! Made contact with Mag? Check! And, that's it. We have the forms to complete, I have selected photos and written a little bit about myself and who/what I'm looking for as a donor. The next step is to sign the papers at the bank, complete all the forms and send off some moola. Hopefully, we'll do that this week.

This past weekend we didn't do much, but it was still pretty enjoyable. Friday night we saw the movie Law.Abiding.Citizne. Gerard.Butler is in it. And all I can say is hello, fellow, nice bum where ya from. It was an excellent movie, a little on the violent side, but still very good. Saturday was spent raking leaves. The backyard had already been done so I did the side yard and front yard - which brought the grand total for this year to 34 and a half bags of leaves. Then on Sunday we went to craft fair - we'd gone to it previously, but this year it didn't seem as good or as busy. In past years, we could hardly move around freely, this year it was just us walking around at times. I think the fall in the economy has affected the fair as well because while in past years people would leave with their arms full of stuff, this year people had one item or nothing. I felt sorry for the artists. The only thing we bought was some very yummy apple cidar.

Today finds me back at work and working on a project that is wrapping up finally. I have a little bit more free time on my hands.

What I'm really looking forward to is Thursday. It is American Thanksgiving on Thursday and a few years ago we started a tradition of going to a great cajun restaurant for Turduc.ken. Refer back to this post for a detailed description of this dish. I don't think our friends will be joining us this year, which is too bad, but I'm still happy to be carrying on the tradition nonetheless.

Virtual Rally for IVF Funding

For any Ontarians that read my blog. This is an important post. I have emailed to my friends and family and hope you will do the same:

Conceivable Dreams the OHIP for IVF Coalition is planning a very special delivery for the Ontario Government on December 2nd, 2009 at Noon.

Please join us for a Virtual Rally for IVF Funding. Imagine thousands of Ontario infertility patients, and their friends, families and supporters simultaneously sending an email message of support for IVF Funding to their provincial members of parliament and Premier Dalton McGuinty.

The Ontario Expert Panel on Infertility and Adoption heard your voices and saw the faces of infertility at our Pram Push. In August 2009, they recommended that OHIP fund 3 cycles of IVF.

Despite 2 years of researching the issues and 3 months to review the Report, the Ontario Government has taken NO ACTION.

Now, we need the Ontario Government to hear from YOU (and your families, friends and supporters) so that they will TAKE ACTION and implement the recommendations instead of letting them collect dust on a shelf.

Here's how it will work. Just go to http://www.conceivabledreams.org at any time before December 2, 2009. Provide us with your name and email address. Conceivable Dreams will send you a draft email including the address for your MPP, Premier Dalton McGuinty and Minister Broten. When the virtual rally starts at noon on December 2, 2009, we will all send our emails at the same time. It's our chance to show our elected officials that the time has come to fund IVF in Ontario.

If you want to participate in the Virtual Rally for IVF Funding on December 2nd, 2009 then please RSVP to this event and then proceed to http://www.conceivabledreams.org to get all the information you will need.

Making Contact

I called my Mom last night and told her about our decision to go with de. I don't know why, but I was a little worried about her reaction. Not that I should have been, she's been nothing but supportive during this whole saga. I was a busy little beaver last night, because I also contacted the company that we want to use about moving forward with the process (the loan was approved, it's just going through the lawyers now - we should have the money by Monday/Tuesday - WHEE!) I was beset with worry about being taken advantage of - are they a real company, is it worth the extra money to go through them rather than direct with the clinic, what if we get to Czech to find out they don't know who we are, haven't heard of us etc. So, I got on Google and searched for any type of reviews that could help make me feel a little better. I did find a blog by a couple who used them earlier this year. It made me feel a little more comfortable. The company is called myivfalternative and the woman who runs it is called Mag. She is originally from the Czech Republic and also used the services of the clinic to get pg. Apparently, the waiting list for the clinic is about 11 months, but if you go with Mag's company the wait time is significantly shorter.

I'm not sure if I've detailed what they do before so I apologize if I'm repeating myself. They are a liaison between us and the clinic. They help with the paperwork etc. They help get out trip booked (flight & accom.), they will pick us up from the airport and drop us at our hotel. They will transfer us to and from the clinic for all appointments, provide a cell phone with pre-programmed numbers to reach the clinic/a member of their team, take us for a traditional Czech dinner and I think they help schedule day trips.

I like the not having to plan everything part a lot. Usually, I'm very anal about this kind of thing (you should see the spreadsheets from our 5 week trip to Australia), but for some reason I want to give up control for a little while.

There are a lot of mixed emotions still. It's a lot of money to have to pay to attempt to get pregnant. That's the scariest part for me... there are no guarantees. We could pay all of that money and still not end up with a baby. We are giving ourselves 3 attempts, H. will not be able to make other trips with me so we'll be freezing some sperm in case it's needed later on. H. is applying for an MBA that will start in May. It's a distance education course, but over the next year (or two) he'll have to fly to BC 3 times. He won't have enough vacation time to do that and possibly do multiple trips to Brno.

Next steps

Thank-you for your comments and support! We are going for it with Czech - Brno to be exact. Well, if they can accomodte us. We are not using ivfvacations, I have found another place that we will be considering that works similarly to them.

The conversation with H went really well. He's been so supportive about this. Ultimately it is about us becoming parents and i think at this point he'll say yes to almost anything.

We went to the bank again on Saturday and officially put in our application for a home equity line of credit. It is kind of scary to be financing something like this, but we'll do what we have to do to make our dreams come true. I wish we were like normal people and got pregnant naturally for free, but we have to deal with what is.

Once we have approval we will start the process with Brno full force. I am contacting the liaison company I found to get referrals so that I can make sure we want to go with them. (Although, from what I've heard so far I'm pretty convinced) I'm very excited and a little scared about this, but I really feel like this will be what works for us.

Phoebe - I'll check out that blog. Thanks for sharing it.

Czech Please!

Sorry for being so cheesy. I think I've basically decided to go through Czech - Brno to do the DE-IVF. I just feel better about it for some reason. I went to acupuncture today and had a big ole chat with Dr. W about our plans. I detailed the pros and cons of each place and ultimately feel like I came to a decision. I haven't even talked to H. about this yet.

The big thing for me was that in going with Czech I don't get to pick the donor. At first I saw this as a huge draw back, but as I think about it, it really is a bonus. I don't have to have the pressure of "did I pick the right one". I dont' have to have any of that stress.

We go back to the bank on Saturday and we'll be filling out all of the paperwork for a loan. We already know we'll get it, but I'll wait for the official approval before taking the next step towards getting the ball rolling. I have found a site run by a couple that act as the liaison between us and the clinic in Brno. I am going to ask for some referrals to chat with and then based on that move forward. Hopefully, we'll be cycling by the end of February or earl March.

On a different note, a friend of mine has recently been on a rollercoaster ride with her latest IVF with it ending in miscarriage. If you're reading this, you know who you are, send big hugs and much love to you. What a shitty outcome you've had, but I have hope for you in the future. Hugs.

Mourning Has Broken

I think I made it sound like I have completely moved through the grieving stage and have come out the other side refreshed. I am excited about moving forward and about the huge possibility of finally getting pregnant through donor eggs. However, I am still riddled with doubts (fears?) about what it means to have a child that will not be genetically connected to me. We are still trying naturally because we do have something like a 5% chance of getting pregnant on our own. I still hold out hope for a biological child. I have to force away my fears and hopes, I have to focus on what is. The reality is that we have never used birth control in 9 years of being together, we have had 2 assumed chemical pregnancies in the 3 years that we've been actively trying, we have 3 failed ART cycles under our belts; we are infertile. Our biggest chance of getting me pregnant is by persuing donor eggs. So, I've decided to embrace it. Wherever we go, whichever donor we choose, when we get pregnant I will have the full experience of carrying a child. Getting to know its movements, caring for it and falling in love with it even before it's in our world. (How horrible to use the term 'it'!)

I don't think I will ever stop wanting a biological child. It may be a wish that goes forever unfulfilled. It doesn't mean that I won't love my future children with all of my heart, or be thankful for them in every way. I think the two will have to live side by side in my soul.

Lest We Forget

Today is Remembrance Day, where it once was a national holiday, today only the banks and government run organizations have it off. That makes me sad; Remembrance Day to me is a time to honour our fallen soldiers, and those who survived. We must honour them for it's because of them that we are able to live so freely. It galls me that I don't see more poppies on people's coats as the scurry by on their way to work. I want to yell at them "where is your honour, where is your respect?" But theirs is the right to choose to wear a poppy, they have that right because of those who came before them. The money from those poppies goes to Legions across our country, into accounts that assist with veterans' care and that of their widows.

My Grandfather fought in World War II, he was wounded in action and was sent home from the war. He was so proudly Canadian and so proud of his service to his country. I gladly take time to pay my respects to him and all of his peers. Grandpa didn't talk much about the war. He certainly didn't talk about the fighting. He told stories of being in the same platoon with his brother. (He was a member of Princess Patricia's Light Infantry). He told stories of them cutting up and making fun of the platoon chaplain's monotone voice. He told stories of them setting up a Canadian baseball league in London. One story he told was of his platoon having to march through farmers' fields at night with only the moon to guide them. In the distance they could see all these forms glowing white and swaying in the distance. As they got closer they could hear these horrible moaning sounds. They all begin muttering to themselves and each other, what could it be. Could it be a ghost? They were all shaking in their boots as the crept on through the fields. Finally, they were close enough to get a good look at it and would you believe it, it was a herd of cows. They all laughed a little too hard in relief and kept moving.

If you read between the lines in that last story, you can see just how young and scared they must have been. Imagine, you're 17 or 18 years old, tired, dirty, carrying a rather large gun and creeping through the country-side with only the moon to guide you. You don't know if you'll be ambushed at any time; if you'll make it home to see your 'folks' again. I can only imagine how frightened they must have been and how brave they all were to keep on moving.

Today, on the 11th minute, of the 11th hour, of the 11th day of the 11th month, take a moment to honour these brave men and women.

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

- John McCrae

Making Plans

It's amazing how fast I've gone from mourning to being excited about using donor eggs. We have it narrowed down to two clinics (one in Czech Republic and one in South Africa), I even have selected a donor in South Africa. I haven't booked her yet, but I am pretty sure she is who I want. In Czech, you don't get to pick your donor. You send pictures of yourself and give your physical description (height, weight, etc) and they match you to a list of their donors. You do get to review the person's information and say yes or no to her. I am such a control freak, I don't know if I can give up that much control over this process.

I ran the numbers yesterday, in US/Canada all told we would be looking at paying
$20K to $30K (probably closer to the higher end). This does not include travel/accomodations etc for the donor, or for us if we had to go to the States. If we opt for the Czech Republic, we would be looking at around $13K including travel, accomodations and food. If we opt for South Africa it is around $16K including travel, accomodations and food.

From a vacation destination standpoint, South Africa is more appealing to me because of the day trips we could take... Safaris and beach trips. Czech Republic offers chances to visit Prague and Vienna.

From a time standpoint, South Africa requires a 14 day visit (add 2 days for travelling) while Czech Republic requires a 10 day visit (again add 2 days for travelling).

My practical side says that Czech Republic is a better option from a financial and time standpoint. And, I know H would look at the numbers and agree with me.

We have always wanted to go on a safari. I pictured it being one of those luxury tours and that we'd go for our anniversary some time in the future. Let's say that DE's do not work, will it matter to me that memory of our vacation would be connected to a failure? Also would we be compromising that dream vacation by combining it with this endeavour?

I guess that's something we'll have to work out. First things first though, we're supposed to be meeting with our bank tonight to talk about financing. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Coming to Terms

I have now signed us up for 4 different egg donor organizations. One that works locally and the other 3 are in South Africa. I think I am slowly making peace with the idea of moving on to donor eggs. I told one of my friends about it (even though H. and I had agreed not to tell anyone - i'm such an open book I can't not tell my friends) and she said something along the lines of how the odds are so much higher with donor eggs and that next year I will be pregnant. First, it was amazing to me that she knew anything about donor eggs and second she said all of the right things. It was a great conversation. On top of all that, she reminded me that it's ok to be hopeful. I felt the hope glow in my body.

Ever since then, I've had this chorus from a Stones' song in my head "You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need."

Things may not be exactly as I've always pictured them, or happened as easily as I had thought they would, but in the end we will get what we need.

On another note, we (a bunch of people from my office)went to a new Chinese buffet yesterday for lunch and of course we got fortune cookies at the end. Mine was "You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment" (we all read them out with "in bed" added to the end teehee) I think mine sounds promising

Not Easy to Say Good-bye

Goodbye little girl with the big blues and smiling face, the dimples just like uncle B’s and hands just like your Grandma’s.
Goodbye little boy with the uneven lips (full on the bottom and thinner on the top), tall for his age, with a little pot belly.
Goodbye little child with my eyes and his nose, my chubby cheeks and his perfect ears.
Goodbye surprise BFP
Goodbye to what could have been, what never was and what never will be.

We made the decision today; we are going to try donor eggs. I feel like I have failed as a woman, or more accurately, my body has failed me. Maybe it’s something between H. and me; maybe my eggs don’t like his sperm. Maybe my eggs are scrambled. Whatever the deal is, it’s just not working for us. We got married October 12, 2006 and basically started trying on our wedding night. There were two chemical pregnancies over that 3 year period, but other than that nada. Two failed IUIs, one failed IVF, countless tears and it’s time to move on to something that gives us greater than 20% odds of getting pregnant.

I am sad that it’s come to this. And, I still can’t help but think “how the hell did I get here?” How did this happen? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be, sigh, but here I am. Time to man up.

There is a poem by Robert.Service called The.Quitter. It was one of my Grandfather’s favourite poems and even though it’s a very masculine type of poem, it resonates with me:

When you're lost in the Wild, and you're scared as a child,
And Death looks you bang in the eye,
And you're sore as a boil, it’s according to Hoyle
To cock your revolver and . . . die.
But the Code of a Man says: "Fight all you can,"
And self-dissolution is barred.
In hunger and woe, oh, it’s easy to blow . . .
It’s the hell-served-for-breakfast that’s hard.

"You're sick of the game!" Well, now that’s a shame.
You're young and you're brave and you're bright.
"You've had a raw deal!" I know — but don't squeal,
Buck up, do your damnedest, and fight.
It’s the plugging away that will win you the day,
So don't be a piker, old pard!
Just draw on your grit, it’s so easy to quit.
It’s the keeping-your chin-up that’s hard.

It’s easy to cry that you're beaten — and die;
It’s easy to crawfish and crawl;
But to fight and to fight when hope’s out of sight —
Why that’s the best game of them all!
And though you come out of each gruelling bout,
All broken and battered and scarred,
Just have one more try — it’s dead easy to die,
It’s the keeping-on-living that’s hard.

Moving forward

It was the real deal; on Saturday AF flowed like a river. I emailed the clinic this morning and let them know that I wouldn’t be in for my beta nor would I be there for this month. At least that’s settled. This weekend wasn’t stellar. In fact, except for a couple of events it was pretty boring. H. ran the Angus Glen half marathon yesterday. It was a beautiful day for it. I was there to cheer him on and he ran a personal best of 2 hours 3 minutes and seventeen seconds. Woohoo! He is really trying to get down under 2 hours and is working really hard at it. I know it will happen for him. We then went out for lunch and then went home to watch the football. Go Fav.re go! Saturday was Halloween. Last year we ran out of candy so I made sure to stock up this year. It was a bit of a disappointment because we only had around 30 to 35 kids. I was expecting around 90. The last kid knocked on our door around 8:15. Shrug. Maybe because it was a Saturday people were keeping their kids home for a party instead or the swine flu had everyone scared. Who knows?

Yesterday at lunch H. and I had a discussion about kids and where we go from here. We are going to go forward with donor eggs. We’ll still try on our own, but we are both losing hope for it to happen for us. We are going to take a loan out against the house. Scary. And we are going to make this happen for us as soon as possible. Again scary. Donor eggs will happen early in the new year.

I cried this morning on the way to work as I was telling H. how I am grieving a biological child. I grew up knowing that I look just like my Mom. I have her hands and her legs, we walk the same way and I have my Dad’s forehead and personality (and his prematurely gray hair). If you saw a picture of her at age 3 or 4 and then saw a picture of me at the same age, you would swear it’s the same kid. It breaks my heart, my soul that I will never have a little girl who looks just like me. Once we go down the donor egg route, that’s it for a biological child for me. The other thing is that I didn’t know how much this meant to me. How could I not know that it was so important to me to be able to look at my child and see me reflected there? Doesn’t that sound incredibly egotistical? I don’t think it’s an ego thing… I think it’s more of a continuation type thing. I think it’s just normal.

I find it amazing that I am yearning for normal. I am not reaching for the stars; I didn’t think that in wanting children we’d be “dreaming the impossible dream”. Who knew normal could be so difficult a goal?

It's Too Early

So, I got my period this morning on CD21. This has been such a weird cycle what with me ovulating on day 9-ish, then the displaced rib and my boobs have been sore since the day after ovulation. I just feel like everything is all out of whack. And, of course, I thought because my boobs have been sore the entire time, which they usually aren't that I was pregnant. I really thought it. If any doubts crept in I pushed them aside. I thought finally this has to be it. And then I went to the washroom this morning and there it was light red blood streaking the tp.

Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to go to the clinic. I hate the early mornings and the futility of it all. I just want to bury my head in the sand and ignore what is facing me. My God, I wanted to be pregnant at Christmas this year. It's this huge fixation I have. I just can see myself at my parents' house pregnant over Christmas. Seems to be just some dumb fantasy now.

This sucks.

The Heart Attack that Wasn't

This morning I rolled over and got out of bed like any other morning. As I was making my daily trip down the hallway to the stairs, down the stairs to the bathroom, I was overcome with pain. Pain that was wrapped around my left shoulder blade and seemed to go deep through my body to the front and wrap around my left breast. I thought, to myself "holy fuck am I having a heart attack" as I sat on the toilet doing my daily business. The pain was so intense that I didn't want to move, then the panic attack started to descend. Until that point my breathing was fine and I wasn't sweating, it was just pain. A lot of pain. All I could think was that I'm going to die on the toilet. OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO DIE ON THE TOILET! I yelled out to H. that he had to go get my clothes and we had to go to the hospital. It's funny what goes through your brain when you think there's a possibility you might die. #1 I am not ready to die, #2 I certainly did not want to die on the toilet, because if the heart pain didn't kill me the mortification certainly would.

H. was barely awake and was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. He managed to get me my clothes, get himself dressed, get the dogs back in their crates and grab a couple of granola bars... in the same amount of time it took me to get dressed. We didn't have showers, or brush our teeth. I didn't even get to run a brush through my hair and as luck would have it, my brush was in a different bag.

We got to the hospital in pretty good time. I was seen immediately. They did an EKG, blood work and a chest x-ray. H. wheeled me down to the x-ray room and it was only as they were calling me in that I thought what the hell am I doing. I could be pregnant (there is a slight chance) and I'm going in for an x-ray. I talkd to the xray person (have no idea what they're called) and she double - leaded me so I should be fine.

Then we were sent back to the waiting room to await my results. By this time, the pain was only happening if I moved certain ways, e.g. crossed my legs, bent over etc. If I was sitting in one place I was fine. Luckily. Because we sat in one place for 7 and a half hours. In that time we ate a granola bar each, drank a bottle of water each and H had a bag of chips. Also in that time the waiting room filled to overflowing. The H1N1 flu has landed in Toronto, the cover of the paper today featured the sad story of a 13 year old boy that they believe died due to H1N1. Hysteria was running rampant. Or so we thought as we smugly looked at this hacking, dripping messes around us. Until, the nurses were all suddenly wearing the blue gloves instead of the white ones, and the heavy duty smocks instead of the pleasant yellow ones, oh and the lovely face masks and protective eye wear. Then one of these nurses calmly told the waiting room that there was a confirmed case of H1N1 and that we should all wear these masks. She insisted that each and everyone of us wear them. I felt like I was in some TV drama and not in a waiting room waiting to find out if I'm going to die.

After the 7 and a half hours, we were taken into a small exam room, where we waited for another half an hour to see the doctor. He eventually came in and introduced himself. He asked me a bunch of questions about myself, my health etc. Then got down to brass tacks. It was NOT a heart attack. My blood work, ekg and chest xray all came back normal. Phew! Then he moved on to other possibilities and asked me a bunch more questions. He then determined it was most likely a musculo-skeletal (I think that was the word) issue. He began pressing very hard on my back around my spine until he found a very tender spot. aha - a displaced rib. Somehow, in the course of my sittind and knitting, doing core rhythms dvds, lying in bed and sitting at my desk I have displaced a rib. Whenever I move in certain ways that puts pressure on the rib, the nerve endings and muscles around it contract, in essence stabilizing it. This translates into a whole lot of pain for me. But, it was also very very good news.

After 9 hours in the ER, we were finally released. We promptly called our parents to let everyone know that I was fine and then headed straight to Subway to get some dinner.

Now, I'm simply exhausted. I think I'll have a bath and read a good book.

And, then thank my lucky stars before I go to sleep.

Sad News

My cousin is miscarrying again. I feel so bad for her, she’s devastated. Her beta went down instead of up and now she just has to wait for nature to take its course. I really thought this was it for her. They’ve been trying for around a year and have now had two miscarriages and a chemical. So, they can get pregnant, but haven’t been able to stay pregnant yet.

I was envious of her pregnancy; I’m so ashamed of myself for that. I didn’t begrudge her. I just want it so badly to happen for me. Now, I just don’t know. Is being able to get pregnant but not carrying to full term easier/better than not being able to get pregnant at all? I don’t think so.

This is the cousin that I thought the next time she was pregnant that I’d get pregnant. We’d be pregnant together. It all just doesn’t make sense.

Half Way Point

One week of the two week wait down, one to go. I have just been living life and trying not to obsess with some things going on with my body. I even went to a party on Saturday and had a couple drinks. I have lived the two week wait so many times, sacrificing what I ate and drank all of the sake of a non-existent fetus. So, this time although I hope there is something growing in there, I'm just going to be. The party was a 50th for a family member and it was a blast!

Speaking of hope, remember when I said I got my Core Rhythms dvds? Well, H. had ran the run.for.the.cure before that and he pre-ordered the shirt that came with his registration in my size. When he gave it to me I threw it over a back of a chair without much of a glance. Later I decided to wear it to dance in. Well, on the front in large capital letters is the word HOPE. The t-shirts all have a word like Hope or Dream or Believe on them. I'm going to take it as a sign from the universe that I have reason to hope.

On Sunday, I went to my last knitting project class. I got a lot done, but only learned how to sew the shoulders together. The teacher said to email her or go to the store for help, but I went home and did a little research and kind of made up a stitch (look at me go!). Tonight I will go home and finish sewing the sides of the body up, then I will weave in all of my ends and my sweater will be complete. I will hopefully post pictures of it when it's done. I can't find any good pictures of the pattern on the web. It's a ribbed patter (knit 6 purl 2)in a chunky peruvian wool that has not been dyed. It's a charcoal gray colour.

My next project will be for ME! Here's what I'll be knitting:



Except I will be knitting this in a different charcoal gray light cotton wool.

Another one

I just found out another of my cousins is pregnant. 2 announcements in 3 days. Weirdly, this cousin has been trying for almost a year and has had a miscarriage (same basic scenario as the first announcement). The interesting thing about this is that I have always thought to myself that cousin #2 and I would be pregnant at the same time... that the next time she got pregnant after her loss, that we'd be pg together. So, I'm choosing to believe this is a sign of good things to come.

I got my Core Rhythms dvds in the mail today. I tried the first dvd - it was so much fun. This could be something I can actually stick with. I'm not ultra coordinated, but I love to dance, so I think it's something that won't actually feel like working out.

I got a couple of questions in the comments from my last post that I want to address>

Iamstacey asked if my doctor could do something to open the closed tube. Here's the thing, they don't actually believe it's closed - they think it was a temporary cramp that closed it during the SHG. I'd had an SHG a year earlier and everything was good. I worry though because during my IVF the dr. kept trying to get a follicle on my left ovary and it kept bouncing away. It was very painful, and now I have some intermittent pain over there. My new dr. told me that the ovary bouncing away would not have caused any damage to the tube. So who knows.

Fran asked if they could give me something to suppress/slow ovulation. They told me that there is a medication that can be given but it really only works if you're on stims. So, I just have to live with it.

This Dr. is my 2nd opinion. There is a dr. in Toronto that deals with high FSH patients and works with DHEA etc. I've heard really mixed reviews about him and I'm not sure I want to make the switch. His clinic is not right downtown so, it's a little more difficult to get to as well. H. & I have talked and we're going to stick it out with this clinic at least for a couple more cycles. Then we'll have to reassess.

Oh, and I made my acupuncture appointment for Thursday. I can't wait to go back.

ETA - Had to change the template to my blog. Today I looked at it and couldn't stand it for another minute!

Again?!

What can I say, I went back to the clinic and now I’ve ovulated on day 9 or 10. Stellar cycle. I could have told the clinic this would happen, I tried to tell H, but somehow I didn’t make myself clear. When I do progesterone support it messes up the following cycle. It’s like even though my body doesn’t have a period, it just amps up for the following cycle. So, I ovulate early, really early. And the follicle/egg isn’t mature, but my body doesn’t care and just forces it out.

Yesterday was a busy day, I had to go to the clinic and then go to my project knitting class. I love it, by the way. So, I wasn’t home to get the call from the clinic. Dr. H2.0 called himself. No IUI this month, egg not mature. I had mentioned to H that I thought that even though the injectible fsh doesn’t make me produce a lot of eggs, that it helps the eggs get to maturity. So, H mentioned this to Dr. H2.0 and of course the doctor rejected that theory. Reading between the lines was “we’re not prepared to do anything, experiment at all, up meds etc to get you pregnant. If you choose donor eggs, we’re here for you”. I think I actually felt the top of my head pop off.

H. didn’t know to ask about follicle size, which ovary it was on etc, so I have emailed them today for the info. We’re having sex and hoping, but I really feel so little hope these days.

I realized that it’s been a while since I have gone in for acupuncture. The one thing that I can tell that acupuncture has helped me with is ovulating later. So dumb to have let my sessions lapse, I am calling today to get back in this week.

H. woke up this morning, rolled over and told me “I had a dream last night that I got you pregnant. So, I’ve decided this is it – you’re pregnant”. A little dagger went straight to my heart.

Not sure I mentioned this, but H. had the new car at work on Wednesday and when he got down to the car after work it had a flat tire. He had an exam that night so I had to take a cab to the car ($31 across town) and wait for road side assistance to come and change the tire. On Saturday, I brought the car in to have the tire fixed. Since the dealership is out by my parents and went and hung out with them for the morning. It was nice to see them and spend some time with them. I found out my cousin is pregnant and due the week of my birthday next year. Such wonderful, fabulous news for them, they’ve been trying for over a year and have suffered a miscarriage, so I’m truly truly happy for them. I’m really trying to keep the green monster at bay, but I’m doing a miserable job.

Oh, I’ve been nominated for an award. I will be posting it shortly. Thanks Fran!


***This just in*** Received from my nurse via email:

"The follicle was 1.8 on the left ovary. The estrogen was down which happens just prior to ovulation. The lining was 0.9.

See you November 2nd for the pregnancy test."

So, the egg is mature (or close to it), and my lining fluffed up from the 0.6 on Saturday. The only problem is that my left tube was blocked at my SHG earlier this year. Ovulation probably occurred yesterday, maybe today. Damnit, we should have had sex Saturday night, but they told us not to. Oh well, coming from the left there's not much of a chance that anything will happen. It's just nice to see that the follie increased in size so much from one day to the next - it was 1.5 on Saturday.

No IVF for Me

So, a few people asked why my RE won't do IVF with me even though my numbers are so good. It's because I don't respond to meds. I was on 300 ius of Puregon for my IVF and I got 3 follicles and 1 egg. One of the follicles looked to be a cyst. During an EPP (which I don't feel was really EPP) monitored cycle I was on 300ius of Puregon again and there were 6 follies in play, but only one grew to maturity. This was with two different REs and neither would boost the meds higher. Which frustrated me to no end.

I know that being overweight can impede your response to meds as well. I am significantly overweight. So here's my plan. I'm going to lose weight and then I am going to demand one last IVF with my eggs.

You see, I told H. that my dream, if money was not an object, is to do the following.

Give myself 3 months of dedicated working out and eating right. I should be able to lose around 20 to 25lbs in that time conservatively. Then force Dr H2.0 to do a full on IVF cycle with me. I've never done an antogonist cycle or a full EPP. For my IVF we just started meds and away we went. And, I want him to be aggressive - at least 450ius starting on Day 2. I want him to give me a final chance with my eggs, pulling out all of the stops. Then if that didn't work we'd go to donor eggs. That's my perfect world scenario. (well, we all know my capital P Perfect world would be a natural pregnancy that goes full term and ends with a healthy baby).

We can't afford to do both a final IVF with my own eggs and also donor eggs. So, we have a decision to make. If I'm really being honest with myself, we can't even afford either of those options. But we can't afford not to as well.

So, that's my story on why we can't do IVF as per my RE.

Oh, here's the thing. I lack motivation. I know what I want to do, need to do, but I can't get my ass in gear. Please help! Give me ideas on how to get out of this funk and start taking care of myself.

CD4 Blood work

Went back to the clinic this morning to see if we are about to embark on number 2 of the 4 cycles our clinic gave us before they give us the boot. I was filled with dread and really didn't want to go. I was also still slightly pissed at them because I called in my day 1 and didn't get a call back, so I missed Day 3. But, the hope of getting pregnant trumped my anger and misgivings so I dragged my big old butt to the clinic.

Just got the call and here are the numbers:

FSH - 8.1
E2 - 168 (in Canada under 200 is what they want to see)
Right ovary - 2 follies
Left ovary - 1 follie

It makes me mad that I missed day 3; if I have 8.1 on day 4, then what was it on Day 3? Could it have been less than 8?

On a completely different note, it was Canadian Thanksgiving yesterday. My family celebrated on Sunday. There were 40 of us for a potluck lunch followed by a scavenger hunt, turkey bingo, trivia, pinata and karaoke. It was a lot of fun and made for a long day. My cousin was there with her beautiful 5 month old daughter. BB is gorgeous,and I held her and cooed at her for a long time. Every second that ticked by was both amazing and heartbreaking. Amazing because she's so little and it's so neat to see the world through her eyes. But, so heartbreaking because I.WANT.THAT. My soul was aching while I held her close and breathed in that uniquely baby scent. All I could think is "when will it be my turn?" There is a big part of me that thinks it's never going to happen. Words are so powerful, I really didn't even want to pu that in writing. but, it's true and I must own it. There is still a big part of me that believes that I will be pregnant and we will be parents. Hope thrives in my soul.

I know that there are no guarantees in life, but this - my fertility - is never something I even questioned. Would I meet a guy and get married? I didn't really ever see that happening. That was something I questioned. Would I ever own my own home? That was very doubtful. But, would I be a mother someday was always answered with a "damn right". Even if there was no husband there were always children in my future. Now, I just sit here and think "What happened?"

Which brings me back to this cycle. I want to do IVF again. Dr. H2.0 has said no to that. He'd consider doing a natural ivf, but really only wants to go with donor eggs. Known de at that. I do not want to do known donor eggs. There's too much baggage, for me, that comes along with that. Do I look at changing clinics again? Or do I find a way of swaying his opinion. If we go with anonymous de then we will be changing clinics. I just don't know what to do.

Thoughts?

Is using donor eggs or donor sperm fair to the child? This is just one of the many questions that plague me when I think about going the donor egg route. A child produced from DE or DS is sort of caught in a no man’s land. Not a full biological child of the parents, and yet not an adopted child. So where do they fit? And, how do they feel as they grow up knowing their roots? It’s pretty obvious to track the emotional and logical thoughts of an adopted child. S/he would want to know where they came from, who were his/her parents and why was s/he given away. A DE/DS child would have similar issues but not have the feeling of being given away. The DE/DS child can look at one of her parents (assuming that the parents are a heterosexual couple) and see oh I have his eyes and my hands are just like his, but would still have the questions of “what about the rest of me”. Is it fair to put a child through this to ease the ache in my soul?

When you adopt, you are in a sense rescuing a child from a bad situation. By bad I mean it can be as ‘simple’ as the bio parents realizing they are too young to provide the environment the child deserves. There is some sense that, yes, there will be issues and explanations that need to be made, but that is part and parcel of the adoption process. Now, when it’s DE or DS, you are creating the child and knowingly, purposefully, creating these issues. Does the love that you provide, the joy and comfort and tears and heart ache and worry and caring that the parents express make up for the questions of “why don’t I look like you” “who is my mother”? Or, I am just over-thinking this?

I don’t know anyone that has gone through this process. I think it would be really helpful to hear stories of women/men that have gone the route of DE. What was their thought process? I’d also love to hear from the children although I’m not sure how long DE has been around – there may not be anyone that is an adult DE offspring.

I’m not looking to open up a debate on the merits or morality of DE, but am interested in hearing your opinion.

Our Sisters

I have a friend at work that is the same age as me. She is single and is currently living at home. She has an on again off again boyfriend (who is sort of in a relationship – very long story) and she doesn’t see the prospect of getting married any time soon.

We were talking about my infertility quite a while ago and something she said has stuck with me. I said something about the fact that I never imagined that something I want so much is something that my body won’t give me. I said also that I had never pictured my life without having children. You know how it was just something on the list of things that would just naturally happen for me. Kind of like, I don’t know, getting boobs or having my first period.

She said to me that she feels the same way about having the “chance” to have a child. Her ideal (like a lot of us) is to find the man she loves, get married and then have children. She’s 38 years old and hasn’t really even found the man she loves. There’s no physical reason (that she knows of) that she can’t have children. It’s just life that has happened to her.

What do you think is worse – infertility or simply having to deal with life’s whims. It seems pretty similar to me. I think that we forget about the women who go silently through life, focus on their careers while their fertile years slip by without a stable companion in their lives. Or simply, without the money to have a child on their own.

I realize now that our silent sisterhood is a lot larger than I realized at first glance. There are more reasons than just the physical for us to be pasting the smiles on our faces and soldiering on.

This just in

Beta is a negative. Not surprised, but still upset. I want to take next month off to focus on me. Me me me. I'm kind of sick of thinking about me.

I guess that's it for now.

It's Been a While

Oops, didn't mean to let so much time pass between my last post and well, this new post. It's been a pretty uneventful week or so in which I battled progesterone side effects. Sore boobs (now gone), massive headaches (now gone), massive nausea (residing) and diarrhea (also residing). Oh,I've been a joy to be around. This morning was supposed to have been my beta - oops didn't make it to the clinic on time. Like I told H., if it was a + today, then it would still be a + tomorrow and same goes for a -. Whatev. The good thing is that I know that I respond to progesterone. No breakthrough bleeding whatsoever which is nice.

In other news, I have been taking a knitting class to learn how to knit a sweater. It has been awesome. So far I have the back of the sweater and one sleeve completed. The best part is that I have learned some tricks of the trade for undoing mistakes without a lot of frustration and increasing/decreasing the number of stitches. I've also learned how to read a pattern properly. At first when I read the pattern it was like reading Chinese. Now, I'm all good. I'll try to take some pictures to post as I go along. It feels like such an accomplishment knitting something that's not square or rectangular.

Well, that's pretty much it for now. I will update tomorrow with the results. I'm going to talk to H. about taking next month off from the clinic. My cycle is usually all wonky from the progesterone, so I will take the opportunity to jump back on the fitness wagon. From a weight stand-point I haven't really gained or lost anything recently. I need to get my caboose in gear.

We Have a Car

Today is CD18 one week tomorrow will be my beta. I just started using the Crino.ne on Friday night; I could not make myself do it before then. I immediately felt the effects of the added progesterone. I felt warmer and also my boobs are slightly sore. Progesterone really fucks with your mind, because it gives you all of these pregnancy symptoms. The likelihood of me being pregnant is really not very good. Sure I ovulated, but I ovulated early and the egg was likely very immature. Our timing was good, but what are the odds of us getting pregnant naturally after almost 3 years of trying?

In other news, the insurance saga has come to an end. We now have our shiny 2010 Chev.y Eq,uinox with all the fancy trimmings. It has auto-temperature – so you can program a temperature and the car maintains it. It has a remote starter. I just love it. And, I’m so happy we are not driving the crappy rental any more. We are now just waiting for the cheque from the insurance company to pay ourselves back with. Sigh.

I haven’t had a lot to say lately, but I’ve been reading your blogs and trying to comment. Hopefully, I’ll do a better job in the near future.

Sun

This song brought tears to my eyes this morning. I think it's because I am in a constant state of "oh here it comes" and it never quite gets here.



We settled with the insurance company and our picking up our brand new shiny vehicle tomorrow.

Entering 2WW

Well, I ovulated yesterday. My estrogen is back down to 211 (that's in Cdn measurements) and we're supposed to do "it" one more time tonight and then tomorrow I get to take crinone. Beta is on October 6th. I just want to laugh. My follie at best got to a size 1.7 - at best. Close to mature, but not quite there.

And, they haven't said anything about the 1.5cm cyst on my right ovary.

I think this is a case of overkill, but I will go ahead and do the crinone.

Today is CD12 - beta is on CD26, if I ovulated yesterday, that would make this a 15 day LP. With crinone it is possible. I've never had break through bleeding on any kind of progesterone. The issue I have is that usually after a cycle where I've used progesterone, I have a funky next cycle - either anovulatory or ovulate really early (I'm talking day 8). So, we shall see. Maybe, for the next cycle we'll take a month off then go back the following cycle. That way all of the gunk will be out of my system.

Another Update

CD10 today, I now have a cyst (around 1.4 or 1.50)and a follie - 1.5 on my right ovary. My LH is 36 today (baseline was 4) so I'm surging early and am likely to ovulate tomorrow. The follie will be immature. So, we're not doing an IUI, we're doing timed intercourse. Stupid ovary. I talked to the doctor and it looks like I didn't ovulate last month, and this could be a result of that long (for me) cycle that I had last month.

I don't get why it has to be this difficult. But, it doesn't get me anywhere thinking about this stuff. It is what it is.

Donor eggs look more and more appealing. The only thing not appealing is the cost.

CD 8 Appointment

I went to be last night around 11 set the alarm for 6:00am so that I could get to the clinic around 7ish. H. came to bed around 12:30 and woke me up. Then, as per usual, I tossed and turned and watched the clock, finally falling asleep around 3:30am. I say "as per usual" because whenever I have an early morning appointment I'm afraid that I will not wake up in time - even though my alarm is set. Then I have the worst sleep. To make matters worse, my chocolate lab decided that there was enough room for him on my side of the bed last night. So he jumped up. It's actually kind of cute, but really annoying for the person trying to sleep. You see, he jumps up on my pillow, puts one paw across my neck and rests his head on my head. He's an 85lb dog so he definitely wakes me up whenever he does this.

So, of course I got up late this morning, but instead of running around like a mad woman I just couldn't get my butt in gear. I mozied around, watched some tv, read my email etc. Finally, I got motivated to get ready and we were out the door at around 7:30. I thought the clinic closed at 8am so I figured we'd be cutting it close. Luckily clinic hours are 7am until 8:30am.

There were hardly any women in the waiting room - one woman I had a feeling I knew through a message board I go on. Turns out I was right, so if I see her sometime over this weekend I'll definitely have someone to chat with. Anyway, I had barely taken a seat when my name was called for blood work. I had them take it from my hand. I just can't deal with the poking and prodding of them tring to find a vein in my arm. So, blood work was done, again I'd barely sat down when my name was called for my u/s. I went in and was told that I have follie at 1.3 on my right ovary. I think I'm gearing up to ovulate and looks like we'll be back in the clinic over the weekend. I'm assuming I'll ovulate on Sunday - CD10. Early. I'm just waiting for the phone call that tells me what the plan is from here.

New Awesome Site

My husband and his business partner just launched a website called The Bitching Network. You are able to post your annoyances anonymously about your Boss, Celebrities and Life in general. Some of the posts are pretty funny, so it's a great site (if I do say so myself) for a few laughs or to commiserate with people.

If you get a chance, please check it out at www.bitchingnetwork.com.

Also, if you can pass on the word I'd appreciate it!

Being Monitored

First - thank-you for all of your support and comments. It means a lot to me. I can't talk to anyone else about these things (except for H), because they just don't get it.

I went in for my CD3 blood work yesterday. If my FSH came back under 10 we were going to do a naturally monitored cycle. Well, it came back at 9. Not great, but not too high either. I forgot to ask about my E2, but the nurse said that everything looked good to go. So, if it was high I'm sure she would have told me. I also have a total of 6 antral follicles. 2 on the left and 4 on the right - exactly the same as our last IUI. All this means is that I go back to the clinic on Friday for more blood work and another ultra sound to see how things are going. I really don't have high expectations for this cycle, but it will be nice to have the timing downpat, and the possibility of a natural iui exists as well. I think I'd like to go that route, because then at least we know that the swimmers are exactly where they're supposed to be.

On another related subject, we are seriously considering donor eggs (I know I mentioned this in my previous post). It kind of blows me away that we are past the point of casually tossing the concept around and are now at the point of looking at potential donors, arguing (I mean discussing) about how to afford said eggs, and ultimately looking at timing. We are thinking of taking a secured line of credit against our house. Not a great option, but one of the only choices we have to go with that will allow us to do this in the near future. I am still deliberating on this and trying to figure out an alternate source. We are stretched pretty thin as it stands right now.

We could wait a few years - maybe until I'm 41 or 42. I have always said that I wanted to try with my own eggs until I'm 40 so that 's a little over a year away. Who knows. It is such a scary proposition because donor eggs are not a guarantee. There's a much better chance if we do go this route - our chances would go from less that 5% to around 65 to 70%. That's a huge chance - but there's still a 35% chance of it not working. And, let's face it, if luck were on our side we wouldn't even be facing DE right now.

Sigh. I just don't know. We have found a donor agency that works with a clinic in my city. I really like this company and they seem pretty up front about all of their charges etc. We have even looked at some donors and there are a couple that would be a good match. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, but hope is looming again.

She's Back

Well, I had a lovely 28 day cycle this month, AF made her appearance this morning. Bitch. So, what can I say, I just hung up from calling in my Day 1 to the clinic. I’ll be in for blood work on Sunday and then I’m not sure where we go from there. I kind of want to say to Dr. H. that I want him to look at me like I don’t have high FSH. What would he do then? How would he treat me? Would he give me a lap or would there be other things that he would do? I think sometimes when you have a diagnosis the doctors don’t look beyond that diagnosis.

There’s so much that I want to say that I don’t know how to get from my head onto this screen. It’s a jumble of mixed emotions. I’ll tell you, anonymous donor eggs are looking more and more like the route that I could take. We just don’t have the money for it. And, it’s illegal in Canada to pay someone for their eggs, so we’d have to go to the States to do it. I’ve thought a lot about known donors and I’m not really comfortable with it. Can anyone who reads this blog point me to someone that’s been through this process? I mean the known donor egg process. I would like to see how it has worked for someone else. I just feel like if I were to use my cousin’s eggs that I would always be looking at the child to see what traits they have in common.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I am just frustrated and I don’t know how to shake off these feelings.

Can't think of a title...

In the last couple of weeks I’ve watched a few movies inglorio.us.bas.terds, allab.out.steve and ju.lieand.ju.lia. The first movie mentioned was pretty good, the acting was incredible, but the violence is very cringe-worthy. I have a tough time watching U.F.C and this movie was much much worse.

The second movie was not what I was expecting it to be. I don’t know if I really liked it or not. San.dra Bul.lock was good, but I found her character hard to relate to and a little too far-fetched.

The third movie was amazing. Me.r.yl Stre.ep is an amazing actress (actor?). There is one scene that for IFers can be a little tough to watch – kind of a spoiler coming (but it will not ruin the story line or film) – Julia gets the news that someone she knows is pregnant. She tells her husband what wonderful news it is and then starts sobbing uncontrollably. We have all been there; she got the drive-by pregnancy announcement. It was tough to watch knowing that I have experienced those emotions exactly. So, Julia Child was infertile. She was one of us.

Speaking of one of us, I read this post today over at Late for a Very Important Pregnancy. Take a minute and read it. I’ll wait.
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Who knew that the Lucy we all fell in love with was also one of us?! It’s weird to me how I am comforted to know that there are other people in the world, famous people, that have had to deal with what I’m going through. It somehow connects me to them as the experience of IF is a pretty universal one.

So, I peed on a stick yesterday, CD26, thinking that it might actually reveal good news for once. It did not. So here I sit, waiting for AF to make her appearance, and hoping against hope that I’ve tested too early. I usually ovulate pretty early on in my cycle, around cd 10 or 11, so if that were the case yesterday would have been 14 or 15 DPO. As soon as CD1 is here, I’ll be calling it in and heading back to the clinic. I will also buy a thermometer because H is sick of me guestimating when ovulation has occurred. Oh, that’s the other thing, I’m not even 100% that I o’d this month, so who knows if/when AF is going to show up.

I’m going to let nature take its course and I’m not going to test again for – oh let’s say 10 days. That way the pressure will be off for the most part.

It is my parents’ anniversary on Friday; I really wanted their gift to be a grandchild. I hate that it always seems to be that whenever I think there’s a good chance of getting a positive result that it’s around a birthday or holiday or anniversary. I inevitably go to that place that says “oh, wouldn’t it be amazing…” Then of course I am cut at the knees one again.

God, please hear me. I am ready. I have battled and tried to be patient. Please let it be my time.

Canadian, Please!

Pretty funny video

Here's What's New with Me

Well, by my calculations I am on CD22 today and AF should be around the corner (God, I hope she's not!) If she comes, I am going to go back to the clinic and have my blood work done. I'm curious to see where my numbers are right now. In my fantasy, (well the fantasy where I go back to the clinic, not the fantasy where I'm pregnant), I imagine that my fSH is at an all time low and I strong arm my Dr into allowing me to have one more round of IVF & Injectibles. That my ovaries respond like a normal woman's and I get pregnant with a couple of frosties left over. Oh it would be so sweet. Of course, the reality is that I do not respond to meds and my RE is limiting the amount of cycles that he will work with me. You know something, deep down in my heart of hearts, I don't like him. He may be right, but I feel like he never committed to really trying to get me pregnant. I went to him thinking he'd fight for me, but no such luck.

On another note, I met my friend's little boy on Wednesday night. He is 1.5 months old and such a little cutie with his big blue eyes. I held him and cooed at him. It was amazing. I felt no hurt or betrayal when I looked at him or held him. I was just so incredibly happy for my friend (and her husband). It also reiterated to me just how much I want to be a Mom and cannot wait to hold my own baby in my arms. I know it will happen.

I also found out this week that friends of mine have had an oops. She's either 39 or 40 and he's 37, they were in Spain on vacation and she came back knocked up. How's that for a souvenir? The delivery of this was great, a mutual friend of ours told me with the codicil "I didn't think she even wanted kids". Knife through heart. All in all, I think rather than not wanting kids, she probably thought it just was never going to happen and had given up the dream. She and her man will be amazing parents. Of course I'm happy for them, but still a little sad for myself with a little angry at the universe thrown in for good measure.

This weekend is the Labour Day long weekend, Ihave Monday off. Hubby and I are going to be doing some work around the yard and going to see a movie (all.about.steve). The rest of the time will be spend relaxing with our puppies. Bliss!

Do Not Adjust Your Sets

This is just a test of the blogger email posting system. I may actually be able to post without actually logging in to blogger. Look at me stepping into the 21st century.

Edited to add:

This didn't work very well because I posted from my work email that automatically adds a disclaimer in both French & English to my emails. For this reason I will not be posting from my work email. And, basically doesn't make it worthwhile to post by email. Oh well, at least I gave it a shot.

Edited to also Add:

Instructions on emailing posts (if you're a blogger user)

Set Up
1. Login to Blogger

2. On your Dashboard (the first page you're brought to when you sign in)You will see the title Manage Blogs, underneath this the title of your blog will be listed. Look to the left of your blog title and you will see two little kind of gray icons - a cell phone and an envelope. CLICK ON THE ENVELOPE.

3. A pop up will appear called Email Posting, it will give you instructions, but basically you're creating the email that will receive your posts. It will say "youruserid.SECRETWORDS@blogger.com. You just have to fill in the secret words part then click SAVE.

4. Once you have hit save you will automatically be returned to your dashboard. Note, now the envelope icon should be orange. You can now email your posts.

Infertility Is

My friend Char had this video posted on her blog (it's a private blog so I won't link to it) and I thought it was great.



And I found this one as well, called IF we scream.

No Goop in the Poop Shoot

Hmm, I guess that's an attention grabbing title for a post that has only a little to do with my poop shoot. Today I want to a GI specialist for a consultation regarding a colonoscopy. I'm only 38, but I have colon cancer and diverticulitis in my family (my Grandfather died from colon cancer and my Grandmother and Mom have diverticulitis). I had an episode of constipation a while ago that scared me because it was so painful and I went to the doctor. I'm not taking any chances with my colon health.

The appointment was this morning and it went really well. First, I found out that if your are a first degree relative e.g., sibling/parent/child to someone that has had colon cancer then you should have a colonoscopy at the age 10 years prior to the occurence in that relative or at the age of 40 - whichever comes first. Since I'm a 2nd degree relative (grandchild) then I don't have to have one until I'm 50. What a load off my mind! After discussing sypmtoms etc with the doctor she told me the following:

1. I probably have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and this can be controlled by diet
2. I have to have 30gm fiber in my diet every day
3. I have to lose weight (duh!)
4. I have to exercise 5 out of 7 days (again, duh!, but how do I motivate myself?)

So basically, she confirmed what I had already thought re the IBS. The change in my diet recently has really helped me and I won't bore you with the details.

The GOOD NEWS! My blood pressure was 120 over 75 = normal. The last two times, prior to today, that I've had my blood pressure taken I was borderline high. I have cut sodium out of my diet, along with the other stuff. I've lost 5 lbs and now have normal blood pressure again. Awesome!

On the TTC front, hmm, not sure where I am in the cyle. Just a minute, I'm going to go check...I'm on CD18, DPO??, I have no idea if I even ovulated this month. Oh well.

My blood pressure is normal and that's good enough for today.

Lovely Blog Award

I have been given the Lovely Blog Award. Thank-you Thank-you Thank you. Mad Hatter and Hope, right back atchya!

One Lovely Blog Award
Rules:
1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered.
3. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I don't have 15 new blogs to post at this time, but as I find them I will do my best to give shout outs.

Thanks again for sharing in my story!

Back to School

I was reading JellyBelly's post about getting her classroom ready for the new school year and was overcome by a sense of nostalgia. I used to both dread and love this time of the year.

When I was kid (feels like eons ago now) each school year would end and we'd have to go back 2 weeks later to pick up our report cards. This was always a time filled with dread and anticipation. In the the folder with our report cards would be family passes (or maybe just kid passes) for the CNE - Canadian National Exhibition, a huge carnival with roller coasters and games to play. The CNE opens every year for the last two weeks of the summer so when you got to use your tickets that would mean school was just around the corner. Every year I would beg my parents to take me. Some years I would win, some years not so much. I remember going and just having to have that felt top hat with my name emblazoned in glittery silver paint across the front, going to the food building and getting Tiny Tom donuts piping hot and smothered in powdered sugar, begging my parents for a clip for my little purse - you know the clip with the long piece of leather and feather on the end. I'd find out much later that it was a roach clip - oops! No wonder my parents would laugh so much when I begged for one and ask "what are YOU going to do with it?" I remember the slimy DJ voice on the Polar Express ( a ride that basically had a bunch of two seater cars that went around in a circle and the person on the outside would get squished) when he'd yell out "Do you want to go faster? Let me hear you scream!" And, we'd all scream in answer. Then as my legs got tired and the night drew in all of the lights on the rides and at the games would come on and there'd be the smell of hot dogs and popcorn and cotton candy in the air. I can close my eyes and remember it so vividly. Then just as quickly as it started it would be over and I'd know that soon I would be back at school.

As a kid I would dread losing the freedom of the summer, not that I really got that at the time. But, I would soon be caught up in the "back to school" frenzy. New outfits and new shoes and new school supplies. I LOVED getting new school supplies. Funky pens, and brightly coloured binders, new plaid pencil cases and liquid paper that came in a pen. It was a heady time.

Sigh. I miss having such a structured life and being able to be excited about marking changes in time. The closest I get now is when the time changes to/from daylight savings every year. Yet another reason that I think it will be amazing to have kids - to watch them delight in the sounds and smells and colours of their youth and watch them mark the passage of time.

Provincial Government May Cover IVF

In Ontario a panel was put together to look at our reproductive care and adoption policies. Specifically, fertility treatments and the adoption process. Currently, in Ontario, if you have bilaterally blocked tubes the government will pay for IVF (now there are only two clinics that actually do the fully funded version in Ontario, otherwise, the IVF itself is covered but none of the drugs etc).

The findings from that panel have come out today, their recommendation is to cover 3 attempts at IVF for all women with fertility issues under the age of 42. The report says that due to the high cost of IVF, Dr.s are putting back the max number of embryos for transfer and therefore our rate of multiple births are very high. The recommendation is to have a lower number of embryos transferred (1?) thus lowering our multiples numbers and the cost of care for early labour, neo-natal care etc. They say that by doing this they can save between 450 Million and 500 million dollars in the next 10 years.

They have also recommended overhauling the adoption process in Ontario, having one central adoption body to ease the adoption process.

This is phenomenal, yet only a recommendation. My hope is that our provincial government will act on the recommendations.

Here is a News Story

Here is the Report

In Ontario, gender reassignment and ab.ortion are covered (please no debate on the merits of abo.rtion) I think that fertility treatments could be covered as well.

16 & preggers

I watched an episode of the show 16 & pr.egnant last night. If you haven't seen it, it is a tv show produced by Morgan.Freeman for MTV. It is about teenagers that get pregnant and then follows their story through to the birth of the baby and what happens afterwards. It's a pretty realistic depiction. Some shows are where the kids choose to keep the baby, some they give them up for adoption. It shows the girls being ridiculed and ostrasized at school, dealing with their parents and then dealing with the repercussions of their choices.

In last night's show the teen couple gave up their child for adoption. The kids showed more common sense than their parents. The parents wanted the kids to keep the baby even though they had no way to pay for it/raise it and no stable home environment. The kids wanted their child to have a better life. Such an incredibly selfless decision. It was tough watching the show, seeing the eager faces of the adoptive parents and seeing the pain that the young couple were going through. It made me even more confused about the whole adoption process.

On paper adoption is wonderful. A couple/mother either doesn't want to or simply cannot raise the child themselves gives their baby to a family that is more than willing and able to raise it. Problem solved. But, there are so many more emotions at play. So many what ifs. And the what ifs are what get me.

What if the child grows up and decides at the age of 18 that they want to meet their birth parents? What if the child turns his/her back on the adoptive parents in favour of the birth parents? What if the child feels abandoned and empty because s/he doesn't know his/her background or even if they do? Adoption, like life, in reality is messy and uncomfortable and an answer to many people's dreams.

I have an aunt who gave her son up for adoption 35 years ago. She has recently been in contact with him. He's 35 and has two children. She's calling herself a grandmother, which is technically true. But, is she really? And if she is, does this take anything away from the adoptive grandmother?

The more we go along, the more we consider adoption as a way to build on our family. I am so torn about it. On the one hand we'd fulfill our dream of having a baby and a family, but on the other hand it feels like there will be a time limit on it. You know as soon as the kid meets the birth parents then we're done.

What are your thoughts on adoption?

Support Needed

My very good friend Fran and her husband Mike from Everyone Else But Me are in need of some support. They have just found out that they are going through a second ectopic pregnancy. Fran is scheduled for surgery to remove the tube et al today. If you have a moment, please stop by and give her some love.