Moving On

Things are better today. I woke up this morning and the first thought through my head was “I’m not pregnant”. Then I rolled over and felt like staying in bed all day. Instead I forced myself up and into the shower and decided to face the world head on. I’m sad of course, but I have to keep moving. H. and I are in a slightly better place today than we were yesterday. We come at things so differently that it can be difficult at times. He needs to talk things out immediately, while I just need to be held and given some time to mull things over.

He did eventually give me the hug that I needed and that was the opening to some dialogue about where we go from here. We talked a little about donor eggs and adoption. Neither one feels right to us. Donor eggs, for us, seem a little weird and the procedure has a lot of the same pitfalls of adoption. We know that the child will eventually want to know where they came from, who their biological parent(s) are, what they look like, etc. We don’t feel that we could deal with that. It’s a personal preference that I am not open to debating.

I told H that I’m pretty sure that I want to change clinics. The biggest reason is that I did not feel that the protocol that I was on was appropriate or aggressive enough for my situation. I questioned the approach used by the REs at my current clinic and they weren’t willing to change their approach. Another reason I do not want to go back to that clinic is because of Dr. C’s lecture on God’s plan after my crappy egg retrieval. Also, they don’t assign a particular dr. to anyone’s case so every time you go in you could potentially end up with a different doctor. The ultrasounds were another fun surprise – even one where it was a new Dr and he didn’t introduce himself. I didn’t feel that the protocol used was designed specifically for me; it was more like I was a square peg being forced into a round hole. All of these things have built up to the point where I want a new dedicated Dr. and a change of scenery.

I have actually emailed a new clinic to see when they can fit me in. I hope I hear from them soon as I’ve heard nothing but great things about Dr. H.