Today

I got my period this morning; I think getting the negative beta, stopping progesterone and waiting for my period is just cruel. You should get your period as soon as the beta is negative (in a perfect world there would be no negative betas.)

I am hurting emotionally, having periodic crying jags. I can’t even explain why I’m crying, a thought comes into my head or I see something on tv and off I go. I am not this weak person and I do not know how to handle this. H. tells me I don’t talk about anything, that I just want to handle things on my own and that it makes it really difficult on him. I’m trying, but then it just sounds like whining.

Because logically, I realize that not being about to have children is not the end of the world. I’m still breathing and healthy and have family/friends/husband/dogs that love me. It just is so damn unfair. There was a woman that was arrested recently for giving her 2 year old cocaine. Apparently, she was giving the child cocaine from the time the baby was an infant so that the baby was more manageable. The child now has brain damage… oh and it also has 3 untreated broken ribs and an untreated broken arm. What the fuck! That fucking excuse for a human being can have a baby and I can’t. We can’t! The injustice is unbearable at times. Sigh. And yet, I keep going, keep holding my head up and hoping.