Just gotta have faith...

On Monday H. is supposed to be starting a new job that has a big fancy title and a 6 figure salary. Yesterday, he was contacted by the employment agency he used and informed that the company no longer required his services. They gave some bogus reason (it’s not you it’s me…) and now H. is back to square one. No job in sight. He has two interviews today and has re-connected with some of the employment agents he was using, but this has really shaken him. He said it was like getting fired without ever having had the job. Poor H. We’re okay financially for now, but he really needs to get something quickly.

I kind of feel like H. dodged a bullet. The company that had initially hired him is an Internet start up and the CEO is around 26 years old. Can a 26 year old really have the life/business experience to be a CEO?! Clearly she didn’t handle this situation very well – we think the money person told her that she couldn’t spend as much as she offered H and then she started making up stories with the employment agency to get out of the deal. And, the entire thing was done via email – that’s right – the “CEO” didn’t have the balls to actually call and talk to either H or the employment agency. Who does business that way?

How does this affect our plan, you’d like to know… well let me tell you… It may push back the medicated IUI cycle. Right now we are targeting middle of July, but if H. doesn’t get another job for a while that may have to be revised. On the plus side, all of the meds are covered by my insurance - it’s really only the IUI that has to be paid for and that will cost between $300 & $500. The amount is manageable (read won't cripple us).

Of course, I’ve got that mind-fuck of a normal cycle happening so Hope (that bitch) is saying maybe we won’t have to pay anything…blah.

If you want to follow along in the fun, here’s a link to my FF chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1841dd

By the way, I have complete faith in H. I know that he’ll get a great job with a decent salary – he is talented, smart and innovative so any company would be lucky to have him.

My Mistake

Um, hi, so um (toeing the floor sheepishly) I think I was a little ahead of myself in that last post. 'Cause, well, I did ovulate. And, we had perfectly timed baby-making sessions. And, it seems like my body is actually doing what it's supposed to do this month. So, i feel a bit foolish about that last post. I guess, I'm still not handling this whole fertility/infertility thing very well. I thought woo hoo look at me taking my supplements and getting my acupuncture. My oh my aren't I so well adjusted and taking everything in stride. Ya right. My temp drops 0.1 degrees and I throw in the towel.

And now that bitch Hope is back. I really need to get a hobby or a busier job or something so that I have something other than the 2ww to focus on. Really, just something like knitting or checkers that will occupy me so that I can kind of forget that I'm infertile.

What?!

After a few days of lovely egg white cm and babymaking, I took my temp this morning expecting to see a spike... instead it had dropped .1 degrees F. This just drives me crazy. My stupid body. The minute that I allow hope to shine in poof my body brings me right back down to reality. At least I won't have a torturous two week wait.

Tra la la, ovulation has occured

I think I O'd yesterday. Nothing like jumping right in to the heart of the matter, eh?! I've had lots of egg white cm and my temp dropped yesterday with a nice spike in temp today. We've had some very well timed baby making sessions and now hope is seeping in.

At our last RE appointment, Dr. Handsome told us we have a 10% chance of getting pregnant naturally. That's better than 0% or 1% right? So, now that it appears that I may actually be experiencing a normal cycle I am filling up with hope that this month we may actually get pregnant. Yesterday morning I felt certain after our 'business' that we had succeeded. It's completely irrational and yet it's there - optimism.

In non-ttc news I have been thoroughly enjoying this weekend. The weather has been beautiful, warm and sunny. It makes me want to kick back and relax, soak up the warmth and drink a tasty girly drink out of an iced martini glass. Instead, I ran 2.5km yesterday and then H. and I drove around our neighbourhood going to open houses. Today, I finally cleaned the back rock garden of all of the debris and leaves that had gathered in it over the winter. Not back-breaking work but I'm glad it's done. My puppies kept me company while I was out there. I've included a picture of them so you can see how cute they are:

Oh what a beautiful morning...

Today is a good day for a number of reasons.... H. got a job and not just any job - one that pays substantially and comes with a great title - VP of something or other. And, I went to acupuncture today which I love. I even had some needles in my belly. But the piece de resistance is the egg-white CM, I may actually be ovulating this month. Wonders will never cease!

About the job, both H. and I were getting worried because he was laid off on April 7th (or close to there) so he's been out of work for 7 weeks. On top of that I was sworn to secrecy about the lay off so that every time someone asked how he was doing and specifically how was his job, I had to lie. Hate being a liar no matter if it's for a good cause. The job is a nice step up for him, a great title and hopefully a challenge and even more hopefully it will be something he has for the next couple of years. I can't ever see him working at the same job year in and year out, but I'd like a little stability for the next little while.

About the acupuncture, I heart Dr. W. She is perpetually optimistic and has great insight. I never thought I'd like the acupuncture as much as I do, but I love it. I am so relaxed afterwards and always walk out with a big shit eating grin. The needles pre and post ovulation are different. Up until now I've had the needles as follows: one in the top of the head, one above the bridge of my nose (between my eyes), one in the inside of each ankle and one in the outside of each shin. Today they were in the top of my head, between my eyes, 3 in my lower abdomen, on the inside of each ankle and the inside of each shin. I said my little mantra for the 15 minutes or so I was lying there - Good Strong Healthy Ovaries and/or Good Strong Healthy Eggs.

Which leads me to the possibility of ovulating... my cycle has been completely whacked for the past four months. My temp dropped quite a bit 2 days ago, and then it went back to normal. Then today the egg-white cm showed up in great quantities, like it hasn't been for the past four months. So, based on that H. and I are going to have to get busy tonight and tomorrow night and the night after that, just to cover all of our bases. We only have a 10% chance of actually getting pregnant, but hey - if we don't do it we have no chance.

So, to re-cap - it's been a great day.

Why?

I've had this question rolling around in my head for a while - "Why do I want children?". I find it such a difficult question to answer - the words are there just on the tip of my tongue, but I can't put them together eloquently.

As a kid, I was a tom boy, I was and remain fiercely independent. I wasn't like other little girls who had their weddings planned out and was just waiting to insert the groom. But, I did know I wanted to have kids - at one point I wanted to have 11 just like my Grandma. Then once I had some experience around babies, I adjusted that to 2 - a boy and a girl. I even had some names picked out over the years. Everyone in my family got pregnant so easily, I just knew it would be easy for me. Ha-ha.

The fact that I want children is as much a part of me as my name, the colour of my eyes or the birthmark on my ankle.

I want children because I long to be called Mom, I want to protect and love and guide and teach and cherish a little being - watch them say their first words, take their first steps and see the world through their eyes. I want to be able to witness my husband be the father I know he's born to be. I want to bury my nose in an infant's head and soak in the smell and know that this is my child. I want to have the arguments, experience the frustration, cry tears of sorrow to see them grow up and cry tears of joy to see them succeed. Of course, I want to see if they'll get my blue eyes or my husband's big nose.

There are so many reasons that I want children, they all seem so trivial to me, so selfish and yet I yearn for a child. That's why I'll put myself through everything - I'll take the supplements and acupuncture and injectibles and dildo-cams and ultrasounds and IUIs and whatever else may come - all in the hopes that at the end of it all we'll have our baby.

Hmph.

I don't usually post every day, but I had to make sure to post about the following. Today I read in the local newspaper that O*HIP is covering sex reassignment surgeries now. Well 10 surgeries per year, but still they're covered. While I applaud their decision to cover this type of surgery I fail to understand how this can be covered while fertility treatments are not. I know that many more people would take advantage of the fertility treatments than sex reassignment; I understand how this would affect O*HIP fiscally. But, there has to be something they can do other than cover only those women who have bilaterally blocked tubes for IVF.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

Oh - and on another note - on a whim I decided to re-check my benefits just in case I overlooked something. I did - we are actually covered for up to $2000 of fertility drugs. So, it's not quite as bad financially as we originally thought. Of course, if this was all covered by O*HIP we wouldn't have any stress.

We have a plan!

I had my follow up appointment with the FC today. It was at noon, H. met me at the office and he was on time for once. I was very appreciative! Dr. Handsome came out and got us then brought us back to his office. He didn't look like he had very good news to give us so I was quite nervous. H & I sat down in the big plush black leather chairs that he has in his office. They are so soft that you sink right into them. Anyway, Dr. Handsome informed me that I have low ovarian reserve, or in other words I'm running out of eggs. He said our chances of getting pregnant naturally are about 10%. H's SA, while stellar the last time, was ridiculously low from a volume stand point. He took his Sudafed an hour prior to giving his most recent sample and the volume went up from 0.5ml to a respectable 2.7ml. So, indeed it was his sphincter.

The long and short of it is this. I'm going to be taking DHEA, Co-enzyme Q10 and R-alpha-lipoic acid every day until we are ready to start our IUI. That's right no IVF for us at this point - which I'm more than fine with. The supplements are supposed to help strengthen my remaining eggs. Apparently there hasn't been a lot of research about it and there aren't any adverse side effects so we're going with the "it can't hurt" school of thought. Who knows, I may end up being a patient in a research paper.

When we're ready to start I call them on CD 1, then I go in for CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound, then I start Letrozole, on CD 7 I shoot up with Puregon for around a week, then they trigger, H. goes in to drop off his sample and I go in a few hours later for the turkey baster.

We have about a 25% chance of the IUI working. So, we'll likely have to go back for a couple of these. And, if I'm a really good responder to the drugs, it may be turned into an IVF cycle which would give us a 60% chance of getting preggers.

We are both completely on board with this. We know we want kids, we know we want to pursue every means possible... BUT... the cost is pretty large. H. is not working right now, and we're already in debt up to our eyeballs. We have to find a way to make it work.

The costs breakdown like this:

IUI - $300, if they have to do two IUI's on one cycle it's $500
Letrozole - $50
Puregon - approx $700
Supplements - $100

One IUI can cost up to $1350. Dr. Handsome said it would probably take 4 to get pregnant - $5400

An IVF cycle without the drugs costs $7000.

None of this is covered by insurance. We don't know where we're going to get the money from. I spoke with my Mom today and she offered to loan us the money. She's awesome! But, we want to do this ourselves.

H and I talked a little bit about what our plan is going to be. Dr. Handsome said that the DHEA doesn't really take effect until after it's been taken for 2 months. So, maybe we'll stretch that to 3 months and start then. It will give us some time to save money and get ourselves ready.

Who knows. I'm really just excited that we have a plan.

Hope Glows

This morning on my way to work I stopped in at my Dr.'s office and got my rubella shot. Man, that hurt. Not the needle, but the vaccine itself. It really stings going in. In 4 weeks' time I will go back for follow up blood work and hope that it comes back as immune. I'm not sure what happens if the results come back as inconclusive again. Can you just keep getting the same immunization shot over and over?

AF arrived yesterday afternoon, well I don't know whether I should count it as day 1 or not. There was spotting in the afternoon and full flow in the evening. If yesterday was day 1 then my cycle was 29 days this month, if not it was 30 days. I am pretty happy about that because the prior two cycles were 32 days and then 17 days, the pattern has been a long cycle then a short cycle with the long one getting longer and the short one getting shorter. So, I am very happy with 29.5 days; now comes the wait to see exactly how long this cycle will be. I am hoping for a minimum of 25 days. Maybe the herbs that the naturopath gave me are working; maybe it's just my "positive" thinking .

Tomorrow at noon is my follow up appointment at the FC with Dr. Handsome. I'm nervous and excited about it because as much as I want to ready myself for a bad news session, there's so much optimism running around in me. I'm trying to reign it in but it keeps getting free. With my FSH level I know that there's probably a less than 5% chance that we can get pregnant naturally. And, even if we do IVF, if my eggs are no good then we may not get pregnant that way either. But, I can't help but feel hope. Hope glows like a bright yellow light in my belly and I don't want to extinguish it.

The Insensitive Infertile

The results are back from my blood test - I am not immune to Rubella, well the results came back as "Inconclusive", so I have to go get immunized. Then we wait a month and repeat the blood work. Which also means whatever fertility plan Dr. Handsome has in mind for me will have to wait until I am proven immune. I was a little bummed when I got the news. It feels like we keep having these obstacles put in our way.

Then, today, I went to see my naturopath, Dr. W. - love her!!!! She is so positive all of the time. I told her about the rubella shot and she said not to get depressed about it, but to look at it positively. It gives us a chance to work for another month to get my body in the healthiest place possible for when I get pregnant. I know there are no guarantees, but I feel like I have a cheerleader in my corner. I had my second acupuncture session today, it was amazing too.

She put the needles in and then turned off the lights and left. I was so comfortable I almost fell asleep. Then after about 10 minutes she came in and readjusted the needles a little; then she left for another 10 minutes. I tried to think really positive thoughts while I was there, picturing myself pregnant. I was so relaxed and in a great state of mind when I left.

On a completely different note, I go on a message board pretty regularly and communicate/commiserate with other infertiles. It is such a supportive community; it has helped me get through some horrible days and has also helped me learn so much about infertility. I hope I help the other women on the board at least as much as they've helped me.... BUT... I feel like I haven't paid my dues sometimes. They don't make me feel that way, but I read their posts and see their struggles and realize that to this point my infertility is still just a theory. I haven't injected myself or gone through failed IVF/IUI cycles (just about 20 failed natural cycles). I haven't miscarried. I don't have the emotional scars of infertility. So to that extent I can't relate. I can't relate to hating Mother's Day or the other insecurities of being infertile (yet). Maybe if I had been through a couple of failed IVFs and all of my friends were dropping babies like flies then I would feel that way. I feel like an insensitive infertile for not understanding how they feel.

Getting Ready

Not much is new on the fertility front. H. goes for his repeat SA tomorrow; although the numbers were great at the last one his volume was a little low (well a lot low). They think it might be retrograde ejaculation, which really just means instead of it coming out it goes back into his bladder. Dr. Handsome said it could be happening because his sphincter doesn't tighten up enough (tee hee - sphincter's a great word). Apparently, they have found that if you take Sudafed, one of it's many healing powers is to tighten the sphincter - et voila - more volume out the other end. So, H. is to take a capsule 1 hour before he does the deed. Poor H., I don't envy him having to do that at the dr.'s office. Can you imagine if the Dr. said, oh and now you have to go behind that door and get yourself off while I and my nurses wait for you. I am pretty sure I'd have a little bit of performance anxiety.

My task prior to our next appointment was to get blood taken to see if I am immune to Rubella (German measles). On my prior blood work it came back as inconclusive, so I have to re-do the test. I called my Mom and asked if she remembered if I had been immunized for Rubella. Of course, my Mom being the organized woman that she is, still has a box of all of my and my brother's immunization records. I was immunized on May 4, 1972. So, does immunization fade over the years? Can it simply just disappear?

So, I guess there is a little bit happening on the fertility front, but we still don't have a plan. I'm all about having plans; but right now, I just feel like I'm at loose ends. And, of course, with the little information that I have, I am thinking the worst.

Yet through it all, I have this hopefulness residing inside of me. A sureness (if that's a word) that we are going to get pg and we are going to be parents and that this whole journey will be worth it.

36.5 degrees Celsius

This morning I remembered to take my temperature! Woohoo, hopefully this will become a habit again. Part of the deal with my naturopath is that I will temp every day. I have found it so difficult to start temping again. I think out of the list of things I am supposed to do that the temping thing is the most difficult.

Here's the rules I am to live by:

No sugar
No caffeine
No dairy
Temp every day
Take 3 capsules of Chinese herbs twice a day.

So far so good with the rules. The sugar thing has been kind of difficult, the caffeine things was pretty easy, but the dairy thing - oh I miss my dairy. I love starting the day with a bowl of granola and fat free yogurt. Now I'm just feeling my way as to what I eat when. I definitely have to sit down and give it some thought so that I can have a plan.

On a completely different note, my Mom sent my brother and I an email today informing us that she spent the night in the hospital. I find this so weird. I know that she didn't have my Dad call us because she didn't want to worry us, but I still wish that I had known. Of course, there's nothing I could have done and she definitely would not have wanted us at the hospital, but I still feel like we should have been told. She went in because she thought she was having a heart attack. She had an EKG and chest xray and had a bunch of blood taken, but so far the only thing they can find is that she has very low blood pressure. She was released this morning and has to have a stress test on May 20th and she's got an appointment with her own doctor on May 15th. It's so scary.

I keep forgetting that they are getting older; my Mom just turned 60 and my Dad turned 65. So they're not that old, but... Of course, with the whole IF thing I start worrying "what if something happens to them" "what if they're so old/ill by the time they have grandkids that they can't enjoy them". So then I start feeling sorry for myself and now suddenly it's about me and not my Mom. argh!

Rubella?

I took matters into my own hands today and went to my doctor's office to find out why my FC hadn't received all of the blood results yet. Turns out everything was received and faxed to the clinic on April 14th. I had the wonderful receptionist fax everything over there today. Then called the FC to let them know that the blood work was being faxed. Nurse F. gave me a call back and scheduled the follow up appointment on May 15th - only two weeks away!

The downside is that she just noticed now that the blood work results from April 2nd shows that my Rubella immunization shows "inconclusive". So now I have to get re-tested. If I'm shown not to be immunized then I will have to get immunized, wait a month and then be re-tested. Of course, the "Negative Nelly" in me is thinking already that I am not immunized and that I will have to get immunized which means any plan we have for ART will have to wait until the immunization issue is sorted out. Did I mention they've had these results for a month?! And that I could have taken care of all of this prior to the May 15th appointment if I had known?!

Oh well, really, oh well. I am just happy to have a next appointment. I am anxious to hear what Doctor Handsome has to say and what the plan will be. Will he mention DE (donor eggs) because of the high FSH, will he suggest going straight to IVF (geez I hope not 'cause we can't afford that right now), hopefully we can do a couple monitored medicated cycles and then maybe IUI before we jump into the IVF procedures.

On a different note - tomorrow I go see Dr. W. (my naturopath). It's going to be my first acupuncture session. I'm not nervous about it at all because so many people have told me that it doesn't hurt at all. If there's anyone reading - what were your acupuncture sessions like?

I really need to get one of those visitor counters, or whatever they're called, to see if anyone is actually reading this. I am writing purely for myself so that I don't drive all of my RL friends and DH crazy with my worrying and obsessing.

Hope

I had my first meeting with my naturopathic doctor today. I heart Dr. W. She was amazing. She asked all kinds of questions, really listened when I gave my responses and she seemed to genuinely care about what she does. I was very impressed with her. And, above all else, she has given me hope. We have a plan of attack. No dairy, no caffeine, acupuncture once a week, 2 fruit/day, and I have to start temp'ing again. When I left she said, we'll do the acupuncture every week until I get pregnant. There weren't any "ifs", she is very positive and I can do with a little positivity right about now.

The biggest thing I found out from this session is that I have been in denial about the amount of stress in my life. I said my stress level was medium to high, but then realized that with 3 panic attacks in the last year that my stress level is really almost off the charts. The approach that Dr. W is going to take is to address my fertility issues first, but with a secondary treatment of the stress I'm feeling.

My first acupuncture appointment is on Thursday, I'm really looking forward to becoming a giant pin cushion. I finally feel like I have someone in my corner working with me towards getting pregnant. Of course there's H., but he's all "don't be so negative. I know this is going to work out" which is great, but doesn't really allow for me to express myself.

Small sigh of relief. Hope is on the horizon.

Me + POAS = Disappointment

In my infinite wisdom this past month, I bought an OPK. I have never used one in the past, but figured "hell why not". So I bought the little digital one that promises a smiley face when you are about to ovulate. But here's the thing. I'm no longer ovulating. I know that I am not. I haven't since at least December. My cycle is truly and totally f*cked. The cycles are long then short, long then short and repeat. I think this one is going to be a long one. I love and hate that hope remains a part of me. I bought the OPK because I was hopeful that this month would be a "normal" month. Then I got the FSH news and now I keep "failing" the opk's. I want the smiley face, my hope wants the smiley face, but my head and heart know that there's not going to be one.

Just like the numerous HPTs I've taken over the past year and a half or so, I continue to fail the POAS test. BFN, I should have that tattooed on my woohoo. Then I can just look down and remind myself - don't POAS, it won't be good news.

Of course, this won't stop me from peeing on whatever passes for a test. OPK, HPT... as long as it has an acronym I'll pee on it.

Coming out and stuff

Well, I came out of the infertility closet today. I told two friends that are also co-workers about my high FSH. I think it will be good for me to be able to talk about it with some RL people rather than just to myself (or the 3 people that may be reading along) via this blog. It felt good to talk to them; I have wanted to confide in a few people lately and I didn't know how to start the conversation. Out of my group of friends there are only a couple of us that actually want kids. So, talking about fertility issues is not really high on their lists of priorities.

Also, I have this theory as to why so many IF ladies become so seemingly bitter about non-IF pregnancies and pregnant women. It may not be popular, but there seems to be so much secrecy around the subject that it makes women internalize everything. Not getting it out of them builds up the bitterness. Well, maybe I should just speak for myself and say that I realized that by not talking about my IF issues that I had 1. been allowed to live in denial (it's not true if I don't express it) and 2. let the issue build up to be almost all consuming. I realized I don't want to be that bitter, cynical infertile that mutters 'bitch' under her breath every time she sees a pregnant woman. I can see how easy it is to go there and I am going to fight it every step of the way. Yes I want children. Yes I will be devastated if we do not have children. I will feel guilty if I can't give my husband the family that he longs for.... BUT I will survive it, I will move on. I have a great life, a great husband and two great puppies, a loving family, and a fabulous group of friends. I have been lucky in life. So, if I am never able to have kids it will not be the end of my life. I am not going to live in secrecy like there is some huge shadow that I should be ashamed of. It's not fair. I did nothing wrong to deserve to go through infertility treatments - other than wait until I was 36 to start trying to have kids. This is simply a natural process - a screwed up, unfair, horrible natural process. I am going to do everything that I can to get myself pregnant and to stay pregnant, but if the day comes when we say enough is enough I hope I will be able to walk away with a little dignity. Oh and for the record, I am envious every time another pregnancy is announced around me, I think to myself how unfair it is that for some it's so easy and for others it's soooo not, but I try not to begrudge them their happiness, I try to be happy for them - 'cause that's how I roll.

The reason that the conversation even came up with my friends was that I made an appointment with a naturopathic doctor who specializes in fertility for Monday. I am very excited about it even though it will be acupuncture and I hate needles. There is so much great material out there right now about the benefits of acupuncture. I am hoping that it will help get my hormones in check.

Edited 04/25 to say: Last night I told all of my girlfriends my dirty little secret. It felt good to have all of them in the know, but also quite scary. There's no where to hide now and I'm sure I have opened myself up to unwanted questions and a whole lot of assvice (I already got, the "you just have to relax" one - yah, simply by relaxing my FSH level will lower, my cycles will regulate themselves and I will magically start ovulating again). But, I much prefer having to deal with that than being isolated from everyone, not being able to share my hopes and fears.

It was 12

I got the call back from the clinic yesterday - my FSH level is 12. Anything under 10 is a good number with anything under 6 being ideal. I was so disappointed. I had a feeling that the number was going to be high, I am 37 after all, but I hoped that it would be 9 or 10 even.

So, now I'm stuck waiting for the rest of the stupid blood work to come back. Then we can have the appointment that will tell us how dire everything is. Less than 10% chance of getting pregnant naturally, increased risk of miscarriage blah, blah, blah.

I felt so defeated yesterday, felt the chance for a family slipping through my fingers. I was at work when I got the call and immediately went to the bathroom and sobbed. Thank God no one was in there. You know that saying "racked with sobs" well that was me. I managed to pull myself together and go back to my desk, but I just couldn't focus so I ended up leaving a little early.

H. was home when I got there and he knew something was wrong. Through my tears I told him what I had found out and then all of the info I'd gotten from Dr. Google. H. tried to be supportive when I broke down, but he just doesn't get it. I feel broken. I feel like I'm being punished for past mistakes. I regret that we waited so long to have kids. We were really trying to do the best for us, our relationship and our future family. Had we known that we would be faced with potentially thousands of dollars of treatment, needles, possible IUI or IVF, we would have made some very different choices. Hind sight is 20 20.

I am willing to do whatever is necessary to get pregnant, stay pregnant and have a family. So is H. Financially, I don't know how we're going to do it. Is it really smart to go further in debt to have kids? I know it's worth it, but is it practical?

So, now I wait for my appointment to hear what our future holds. Please let their be children in that future.

Tick Tock

I still haven't got my FSH number from the clinic. (left another message today). I am in this holding pattern and it's driving me crazy. I am not a patient person; once I start something I want it to be finished. H. says I like to be able to cross things off my list and to a large extent he is correct. I feel like we're fighting time and that when we went to the clinic that we'd be given a plan to work with. But, that's not the case, we're still waiting for outstanding blood test results - immunology tests that can take up until a month to be processed. The blood tests were done on April 1st, so the results still aren't due back for another week or two.

I am so scared to know the FSH level - if it's over 10 then we know we have an uphill battle. Over 20 and we're screwed. But, here's the thing, I just want to know. I want to be able to deal with whatever we have to deal with. I think if we get that label of "unexplained fertility" I will definitely go nuts because that wishy-washy non-explanation will do me in.

On a slightly hopeful note, I started using my OPK yesterday. No smiley face yet. So far this month I'm not having the weird cycle where right after AF ends, the egg-white CM flows. And, it's not like the other long cycles I've had where the CM goes completely missing. I'm hoping against hope that this is a "normal" cycle. 25 days or so, O on day 10 or 11. H. already is on notice that he should get a lot of sleep and keep the boys on notice - there could be some actual scheduled BDing in our future!

Under Attack

Yesterday, I thought I was going to die. From eating spicy food. No, I'm not kidding. I went to The Bay to the take out counter and bought a chicken roti. Yum! Except not so yum, because when I got it back to my desk and ate a few bites I found that it was excruciatingly hot. I like spicy, but not that spicy. At one point, I took a particularly fiery bite and it actually felt like it scalded my throat. I started coughing, had big gulps of water and then when that didn't ease the flame, I frantically grabbed a piece of milk chocolate from a co-worker's desk in hopes that the "milk" part would douse the spice. No such luck. Then my mind started working overtime. I thought my throat was closing, my temperature spiked and I was feeling dizzy. Then when I looked around and realized that none of my co-workers were at there desks I started worrying about what would happen if I passed out; cue the heart palpitations. I was in the launching sequence of a full blown panic attack. I recognized the signs and was able to talk myself down. But, man, it can be scary!

Up until a year ago I had never experienced this feeling; I don't know what changed, but I've had 3 in the last year. Not full blown, just the beginnings, but wow! I don't know how people deal with these.

Obviously, I'm not handling stress very well. And, right now I have a ton of stress in my life. The big IF is of course a concern, but I have other things as well e.g., debt. We are up to our eyeballs in debt. It's not so bad that we can't pay our mortgage and monthly obligations, but it is starting to stifle our lifestyle. Then there's work. I hate my job. I love the people I work with, and there are interesting aspects to my job, but I've been at this company for almost 9 years. It's time for a change. Plus, they have really crappy benefits - no maternity topping up, no Group RRSP, no massage therapy (but they do cover acupuncture, and physical therapists - grrr, we used to have massage, but they took it away because too many people were using it - yes, really) etc. But the real thing weighing so heavily on me is my H. He was laid off last week and then he swore me to secrecy. Nobody knows. If i talk about how I'm scared that we are working without a net it ends up in an argument. And, he's been so depressed about it that almost anything we've talked about in the last week and a half has turned into an argument. Argh, so despite the promise I made, I'm writing about it here. Just to get it out. You don't know us in "real life" and I know you won't tell anyone. So there it is.

Anyway, my blood work is done and I know that the results have been faxed to my FC. I called my Dr.'s office (not the FC) to see if they would give me the FSH number over the phone. Nope - have to see the dr. if I want the number. Boo. So, then called the FC. All the nurses are on lunch and one of them will call me when they review the blood work. So, I guess I go through the weekend without knowing the number. I guess it doesn't really change anything, but I was so ready to go to Dr. Google with it.

Holding Pattern (bit of a whinge)

I don't want to be infertile. I don't want to be poked and prodded; to 'force' ovulation, to give needles to myself or pop pills.. and suppositories. I want to say to H. "Let's just relax, have a glass of wine and have a well-timed lovemaking session" and *poof* 9 months later we'll walk out of the hospital with a happy, healthy bundle of joy.

It happens that way for so many people. I don't understand why it can't happen for us. Of course, I understand the realities - I'm 37 years old, my eggs are old. I have annovulatory cycles blah blah blah. But I do still ovulate on my own, well up until 3 months ago I was still ovulating on my own. H's SA results (217 million, 60% morph, 80% mot) were fabulous. I thought that our timing was pretty darn spot on. Why didn't it work? Not a single GD BFP.

Now I'm in this stupid holding pattern. Waiting on FSH results and also for the HIV and Hepatitis tests to come back. I'm not even sure why the last two were necessary, but I did them because I will do whatever I'm told if it means I'll have a baby at the end of all of this.

I want to get this show on the road. Give me the pills, the suppositories and needles. Send me to an acupuncturist and herbalist. Christ, tell me to stand on my head while reciting Shakespeare while H. dances around me naked. If that will get me pregnant I will do it.

I'm ready. H is ready. We want our baby.