Fairy Egg Mother

We got our donor information yesterday. Out of respect for our future (possible) children, I'm not going to share all of her details. Suffice it to say, she met our basic requirements. Since this is a completely anonymous process, the details we did receive can only be described as minimal at best. The one sticking point for us is that she was born in 1981 - making her 28/29. It seems to be a little on the old side to me, but she is a proven donor so that is in her favour. We could have said no, but that could delay the process. Also, there were a couple of requirements that may not be met if we go back to the donor pool. It's really real now. Some complete stranger is donating her eggs to us, because of her we hopefully will be able to have the family that we've been trying for over the past 3 years.

Someone else coined this phrase, but she's my fairy egg mother.

Another step towards the DE-IVF has been taken as well. I got my AF on Saturday and started the estrogen. The estrogen is used to counter the affects of the Lupron, it will help ensure my lining is nice and fluffy when the time comes for transfer. Right now I am just taking 1 tablet in the morning (that's for the first 4 days), from days 5 to 7 I will take one in the morning and one at night, then from day 8 onwards I take the tablets 3 times a day (morning, noon, and night).

I go on April 8th for my ultrasound to see how my lining is doing and then we're off April 13th. Two weeks tomorrow we leave.

Phrases

I was reading a blog today of a fellow IFer who has been lucky enough to get pg a second time through FET (1st time was fresh IVF). She wrote about God smiling down on them a second time and those words were like a kick in the gut to me. The usual disclaimers apply - I'm incredibly happy for her and her husband, she's been through hell and has luckily come out the other side.

I felt so bad reading those words because if getting PG for her was God smiling down on her, and if you do indeed believe in God, then what makes her so special? Why won't s/he smile down on me or the thousands of other women still fighting it out in the trenches? I don't believe that getting pg is God smiling down on you. I believe it's luck, pure and simple. There is no divine intervention, no thoughts of a higher power deeming me finally ready (worthy?) of conceiving. I do believe in God and I believe that God gives us choices, that there's a path laid out with many crossroads, some pathes may be easier than others, but we are masters of our lives. Kind of like a choose your own adventure book. I also believe that choices we make will bring us closer to or move us farther from God.

So now there are two phrases I dislike: God smiling down, and "she deserves this" see "this" post.

Today

So, just sitting here waiting for af to show up. I'm assuming she'll make an appearance on Friday or Saturday. Now I'm worried that the Lupron didn't get into the muscle and instead just went into the fat in my ass. I'm not having any side effects from it and the injection site was not sore the next day. People say they get hot flashes on it and I haven't experienced that yet. If there's something to worry about I'm going to find it!

On a completely separate note, my aunt is having an emergency hysterectomy today. They have diagnosed her with uterine cancer and the first step in treating it is removing the uterus. They don't know what stage the cancer is at since the cancer was in the lining and they could not get a good biopsy. So, once the operation is done they will be able to determine how far along it is and also if it has spread. God I hope it hasn't spread. If the cancer is in its early stages she will not need radiation. So, that's what we're hoping for - early stages, fully removed and no further treatments required. Hopefully, we'll be able to stop by the hospital tonight to visit her. This Aunt is 50 years old, (just 12 years older than me). She would babysit me when I was little and we'd watch tv and eat cheesies and drink orange pop. Then when I was older I'd babysit her kids. We live about a 5 minute drive from each other. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. She shouldn't have to be going through this. But, we all know that life isn't fair and bad things happen to good people. She's strong, a fighter, I know she'll get through this. I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact.

1

Today is my last BCP - WOOHOO! I'm so happy to be finished with that part of the preparation for this cycle.

My brother's friend's wife came to my office today to give me my shot. So weird to be given a shot at work in one of the boardrooms. My friend stood outside just to make sure no one walked in on us. I was really nervous about the shot - it's a very big needle - it ended up just being a little poke and some stinging. Not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Also, I emailed back and forth with our myivfalternative coordinator Sue today. She let me know that I'm the next on her list for donor details... I should be receiving them this weekend. I am excited to get the information, but at the same time I have to brace myself for the minimal information that we're going to be receiving. I think we'll just get basics like height, eye colour, hair colour etc and if she's donated before. This feels like the next hurdle. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but of course I'm worried that there's going to be something that makes me want to stop the process. Of course, we've paid in full now, so I'm not sure what that would mean if we don't like the donor. The only things that would really make me not take her is if she's over 26 and under 5'8".

So from here, I take the bcp pill tonight and then wait for my period. It should take 2 to 5 days for it to appear. On the first day of bleeding, I start taking estrogen pills. Just one a day (in the am) for the first few days, then am & pm and eventually I'll be taking them 3 times a day. This will help build my lining since my ovaries will have been shut down due to the lupron.

3

That's the number of BCPs I have left to take. I am so psyched about it. Monday is my last pill and also the day of the lupron shot. The person who is supposed to be helping me with the needle has not been in contact with me which is disappointing. But, H. has offered to do it for me and we'll just do some research on youtube to make sure we're doing it properly. It will be fine.

I had my first dream about donor eggs last night. It was weird, I knew the egg donor and we had done one failed cycle with her and she told us she just couldn't do it again. Instead of being upset I answered that "I'm fine with that and understand. It's ok, we'll find somebody else". So, I think that I have officially moved into the "ok with DE" camp.

I am getting more excited and hopeful with each passing day. I could really be setting myself up for a huge fall. But, I want to be excited and hopeful, so that's what I'm going to do/how I'm going to be.

Having a Good Day

Today has been a good day and I'm not afraid to tempt the fates by saying that. I have not taken any pain meds today and I have had a minimum amount of pain. I have also been relatively panic free today - I tend to get this kind of buzzing feeling through my neck and shoulders, but not today. I kind of feel like my old self.

I also got my test results back from the stress test I did last week. Everything is fine. Nothing to worry about. This is as I expected, but it's nice to have it out there that I'm fine!

In other news, I looked into upgrading our tickets to business class for our trip today. It was an extra $5000 per ticket. So, I guess I'll just have to suck it up and squeeze into my economy seat. How can they charge such ridiculous prices?! In case you're counting, we're down to 26 days before we leave! Is it bad that I'm suddenly feeling really optimistic?

In nonIF news, H and I had a contractor over to the house last night. We are having our old crappy cement porch replaced with a brand spanking new one. The work will start sometime in early May. Our project this year is to work on the outside of the house a little. We have hired a company to come and do the aerating, fertilizing, eco-pesticide and seeding; hopefully, this effort will result in a nice lawn. As previously mentioned, we are having the porch replaced and will also be putting in a new garden. Hopefully at some point I'll be able to provide before and after pictures.

Less than a month...

Um, did you see my ticker - over there to the right? It says there are 28 days left until we leave. Holy crap! 28 days, that's less than a month. Today, I'm in a much better place than I have been in a while in regards to our trip overseas. It's a big deal and there's a lot that I'm scared of - particularly if this doesn't work. Surprisingly, one of the biggest fears has been what if it does. This is the closest I have ever felt to actually being successful at getting pregnant. I really feel that donor eggs will get us pregnant. Do you know what that means? I'll have a baby and be a Mom and have all of that responsibility. My life will no longer be my own. This makes me want to laugh out loud at myself. What the hell did I think this was all about? The injections and pills and suppositories and acupuncture and stress and worrying and just plain everything - what the heck did I think we were doing?!

Now that I know that this is something I've been worrying about I can deal with it. I mean, I felt like I've been ready to be a Mom for a while, I guess the reality of it actually happening - us actually being in the game - kind of had me spooked.

I want to be a Mom more than anything, it's not going to be easy, but I will acclimate, H. will help me and I know my parents and my brother & his girlfriend will help too.

Isn't it funny how the mind works. Here I thought I was really worried about it failing (oh there's that there too), but it's also been about it working. That makes sense - I've spent so much time thinking about how I'll bond with the baby and how connected I'll feel and how to make myself more connected.. these are all outcomes of it actually working. Who knew - there was actually some positivity at the bottom of all of this.

Cat's out of the bag

So, it was my Mom's birthday last week and to celebrate we went to her house so she could cook us dinner. (Roast, yorkshire pudding, mashed potatoes and gravy - yum!). It came out over dinner that the owner of the restauarant that I spoke about a couple of posts ago forwarded the blogpost to my brother. So, despite that asshole not knowing about customer service and how to make an apology ('cause you know if he had just spoken to my bro I would never have posted about his restaurant), I'm the one that ended up getting screwed in the end. I have never shared this blog with anyone in my family (except for H); not one of my friends knows about it either. This has been my safe place to blog all of the shit that I have gone through and how I've felt and am feeling. I don't have to worry about editing myself in case I hurt someone's feelings.

Now the cat's out of the bag. I don't think my bro would read this blog and I really hope he didn't pass it on to my parents. Not that it's a really bad thing, but I feel like my anonymity has been completely compromised.

Who knows, if he has, maybe they'll get a better understanding of exactly how tough this has been for me.

My initial reaction was to stop writing, but that would just take away a much needed release for me. So, I'm going to continue writing.

So, here we go... one more week and I get my shot lupron depot. I've been asked a couple of times why the lupron and from my understanding the lupron will throw me into a false menopause - that way my ovaries don't produce any follicles and I won't ovulate on my own. Which I think could compromise the transfer. On Monday march 22nd, I have the depot shot and also take the last BCP or as I call them poison pills. I will then wait until I get my period. On the first day of my period I start taking estrogen pills to help build my lining and then on April 8th I go for my transvag u/s to check my lining. Then on April 13th we leave for Brno. April 15th will be the donor's egg retrieval and either April 18th/20th will be the transfer.

The excitement is really starting to build.

On a panic attack note, I'm still having the chest pains, I'm going to go to a chiropractor next week and see if there's anything that s/he can do for me. I should have my results from my stress test next Monday as well. I have had a couple of minor tremors - nothing like the attack I had on Thursday, but for the most part I'm feeling better. I took today off work just to sleep. When I sleep I don't feel the pains and my mind isn't racing; it just gives me relief from everything. Not a very healthy way of dealing with things, but as a short term fix it works for me. Actually, after that one I had on Thursday I was just completely exhausted and really didn't have a chance to recover fully from it physically. I am feeling much more rested today.

I just want this to be gone and I'm hoping that once I'm off the bcp things will settle down a little bit.

That was a Doozy

Last night I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had. Things had been so good lately that I wasn’t prepared for it. I was pacing around my home for about an hour and a half. At around 8pm I started feeling just a little off, pain in my left collarbone and a burning sensation in my shoulders. Then I had that sense of impending doom. I tried all of the normal things that I do when I feel an attack coming on – telling myself it’s just a panic attack, taking some cleansing breaths, singing the number song from Sesame Street. I started to be less convinced that it was a panic attack and more convinced that something was actually wrong with me. I couldn’t sit still. I started pacing. Around 9pm my Father in Law came home. I called down to him and asked him to come up and just talk to me for a while. So, he sat in the living room while I paced. At around 9:30 I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I wanted to go to the hospital so that they could give me something – anything – that would end the attack. I didn’t want to feel, I wanted to be drugged into submission. I called H. to tell him we were contemplating going to the hospital and to tell him which hospital to meet us at. Then after hanging up with him I changed my mind, I’d wait for H. to get home instead, so I called him and told him as much.

H. got home around 10pm and it was like he was my magic potion, he was just there and I calmed down. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, but I did. Waking up only at around 1:30am to go get a drink of water.

I still feel shaky today; fragile. But, I’m at work and trying to white knuckle my way through the day. I may end up going home early though. I really just want to be in bed. I’m mentally and physically exhausted from these strange random pains and this anxiety.

H. thinks that this is happening because I don’t really want to go to Brno and I don’t really want a baby. I’m not convinced of that. There is some truth there. I don’t want to have to go to Brno. I’m still so angry that this is where our fertility inabilities have led us. I don’t want to have to use another woman’s eggs; I want to use my own. But, I will go to Brno and I will use another woman’s eggs because that is what it takes to get me pregnant. That is what will give us the family we so desire.

I kept my own name when H. & I got married. I just thought that’s who I’ve been my whole life so why would I change it now. As we get closer to using donor eggs, I’ve been re-thinking my position on this. Our child(ren) are going to have his genetics and not mine, his name and not mine; that invisible connection will just be there. Maybe I should informally take his name so that we have that link all together? Or, we could hyphenate their last name, but I hate when people do that. Is this even rational?

Hodgo Podge

Hi! It's been a while, I'm doing ok. Had my stress test for my heart yesterday, I think it went okay. They got my heart beating over 160bpm and there was no pain, no tightness in my chest. I was just winded because I'm so incredibly out of shape. I'm still having the pain and I still have to keep telling myself it's my ribs not my heart. But, when you're in this heightened sense of awareness, it's hard to just let it go.

Got some good news today, my brother's friends wife is going to give me my lupron depot shot. My aunt was going to do it, but here husband is having his knee replace that day. I kind of feel better about this because while I love my aunt, I don't think she'd keep the info to herself.

My brother was at Capl.ansky's De.li on the weekend and was eating a bowl of Borscht and found a really chewy part in it. It was a bandaid!!!! And, the owner was in the restaurant and refused to acknowledge them when they tried to get his attention. The staff said "he went out the back door to run errands". Ya, right.

Disgusting. I would never ever eat there.

Edit: There is a comment from Zane (the owner of the deli above) regarding my post re the bandaid in the soup that I have not verified as fact from my brother. My interpretation of the events, based on a conversation with my brother yesterday, are apparently an overly dramatic version of what occured. Zane says he didn't ignore my brother and his girlfriend and that he was told it was a rubberband not a bandaid. He has asked me to edit my post, I removed one line, but have left the remainder as is. This was my brother's perspective as told to me. And, I don't care if it's a bandaid or a rubberband - it's disgusting to find that in your food.

Balance

I went to the psychologist today, I really like Dr. C. She's a good listener and is very practical and down to earth. It sounds like she's had quite a few donor conception patients and just run of the mill infertiles come through her doors. I didn't cry too much, just teared up a little at the beginning. I felt stupid for crying, but also thought that what I was talking about merited the tears. She gave me some good tools for handling the panic attacks and also gave me some homework to do on worrying. I am an official worry wart.

The biggest thing she said was that this whole busines of infertility and treatments is not good for our mental health. She said that quicker you can get in and get out of treatment the better (not that we have any choice in that really). She also said that she doesn't believe in all the rah rah-ing the clinics do and the keep a positive outlook viewpoint. She said that when things don't work out it adds to the crash that we have all experienced.

Also, she said it's ok to feel crazy. That just because you feel crazy in the moment does not mean that you are crazy. Just acknowledge it and keep moving. I'm going back next week. I have to say though, I don't think it will be a long term thing.

On another note, the results of my aunt's biopsy came back today. She has uterine cancer. She's 50 years old, the mother of 2 boys (18 & 13) and she's having an emergency hysterectomy sometime in the next week. They think that it's still in the very early stages and she may not even need radiation. Please keep her in your thoughts.

Is it in my cards?

I went to a friend's blog today and she has a free tarot card widget at the bottom of her page. I asked my question to myself and selected my 3 cards. Here are the results:

Past - 9 of Cups
Fortunes
Wealth. A time of plenty or a person of great means. A comfort and peace of mind that comes from having material desires fulfilled. Opulence

Present - 10 of Cups
Success
Goals that are achieved. Relationships that are true. Dreams are turned to reality and happiness abounds. A time to rejoice with those close to you.

Future - Queen of Cups
Motherhood
Cherishing and giving. A person who is supportive and can be trusted. Someone who gives birth to ideas and adds support to those of others. A teacher and mentor.

So, what are your thoughts?

Got my Protocol

Last week, my box of meds arrived in the mail. The delivery guy left it on my front step. I'm not sure how long it was out there, but the Dipherline (lupron depot) is not supposed to be frozen so I'm not sure if the meds are ruined or not. Still talking to the pharmacist about it. If I need to get a new dose, I will have it shipped to my office that way I know for sure that it won't sit out for hours in the cold.

Then, on the weekend, I got an email from myivfalternative representative S., my protocol is ready. This is all becoming so much more real. On March 22nd I take my depot shot and will take my last bcp. Woohoo! I can't wait to get off these stupid things. I will then start taking my estrogen pills. April 8th will be my ultrasound and then April 15 is the donor's egg retrieval, with April 19th to 20th being the expected time for transfer. At some point in there I will also have to start taking crinone once a day.

I haven't received my donor info yet, but I think I'll get that sometime at the end of March.

I am feeling a little better these days. After the last time I wrote that I hadn't had a panic attack, I guess I must have tempted the fates and ended up having to leave work because I had a doozy of one. Over the weekend I had one minor one that I was able to talk myself past - it was at the movies. We saw Shutt.er Is.land. Weird movie. Not a very good choice for someone who 1. is having panic attacks and 2. feels like she's losing her mind.

I am trying to get an acupuncture appointment for today or tomorrow instead of Thursday as I have a presentation that day that interferes with my appointment time.

Wednesday is the psych appointment and I am counting down the days to my stress test.

The thing that is on my mind today is the flight to Frankfurt (the major leg of the trip to Brno). I am a big person and I hate those tiny little seats on the plane, plus there's never any leg room. Add to that the anxiety I'm experiencing and all I can imagine is what a nightmare the flight is going to be. I'm dreading it. Also, going into these types of procedures we're always told that we need to manage our stress, keep relaxed etc. I just don't see how I'll be able to relax on the flight over, but also the flight home is when we hopefully will have a couple of little beans tucked away. I don't want to be stressed about the seat size or anxiety attacks on the way home. All that to say, that I'd really like to upgrade our seats to business/first class. H. thinks it's a waste of money, but I think, even if it's $1000 each that it's worth it for the peace of mind I'll be given. Am I overthinking this?