I don't know if I mentioned it, and am too lazy to go back and check, but H. and I had rented a cottage for a week in July and then cancelled it around the time the market crashed. We felt in pretty dire straits financially and had just had a failed IVF, so we backed out. Well, I've been checking periodically to see if the cottage got rented out again - if it had we'd lose around $200, if it hadn't we'd lose our whole deposit. I checked yesterday and it was still available. H. and I looked at our financial situation and we figured that we can cover it ... so we're back on!
I can't wait for a week of quiet in the country! We've invited my parents, my brother and his girlfriend and my aunt & uncle up for one of the weekends. The cottage is huge and has a Wii. So, if it rains we're still golden.
On a completely separate note, I'm currently on an estrogen patch. I've had no side effects from it that I can tell. In fact, I feel great. Are you supposed to have side effects from the patch? And, do you know if it lengthens your cycle? My last cycle was 23 days. The nurse at the clinic said that it was probably due to the IVF. Shrug. I'm on CD25 now and am hoping for a regular cycle of 28 days. (well, what I'm really hoping for is a BFP). I have no idea if I ovulated, so this could be an anovulatory cycle that just runs on. Fuck, I hope it's not that.
Sorry about the f-bomb, but I'm leaving it in. I've been dropping a lot of them lately... guess it's just the mood I'm in.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Got a Plan
Dr. H 2.0 is not playing around. I went for an appointment with my cycle monitor nurse, let's call her Sunshine, today. It went really well. I thought when they said that we'd start out with cycle monitoring that it meant that they'd just monitor a natural cycle. NOPE. They are monitoring me to see how I respond to the Estrogen Priming Protocol. I start the patches today; the patches last 48 hours and then you have to change it. I do this until CD28 or I get my period, whichever comes first. Then I go in for CD3 blood work and they do a vaginal and external ultrasound. If all is as it should be I start 300iu of pure.gon per day. That's what I was on and didn't respond to for my IVF, so I'm a little worried about that. Then we will trigger and do 2 iui's back to back.
I told H. about this and he responded exactly as I was feeling "i don't know why.. but it sounds exciting.. i've got a good feeling about what you've just said."
So, we're back in the game. Oh and they got my TSH back, it was 3.17. They say that's normal and will only be worried about it when I get pregnant. Since in the first trimester they like to see it closer to 2.0.
I told H. about this and he responded exactly as I was feeling "i don't know why.. but it sounds exciting.. i've got a good feeling about what you've just said."
So, we're back in the game. Oh and they got my TSH back, it was 3.17. They say that's normal and will only be worried about it when I get pregnant. Since in the first trimester they like to see it closer to 2.0.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Land of Denial
I live in the land of denial and actually quite like it. Every month, I watch my cycle and H. and I have sex at the most appropriate times of the month. I then obsessively check my boobs and scan myself for symptoms until inevitably AF shows up. Then I start the whole process over again.
The likelihood of us getting pregnant is somewhere between 5 and 8%, yet every cycle I am hopeful. I am disappointed every single time. I sometimes wonder how long I can keep this up.
Last week was tough. I was pretty much down in the depths of despair. I even made an appointment with a psychologist. Which I ended up cancelling after speaking with her. When I made the appointment I said it was to talk about stress management and my infertility. When she called me back she said ‘It says here that you mentioned infertility, you do know I’m not a medical doctor’. That right there ended it for me – what am I a complete idiot, why would I possibly think a psychologist would help me medically. Argh. I felt like she was calling me a moron. Then there was her voice. All whispery and caring, so phony; how could she possibly be that concerned for me… we hadn’t even met and she had no idea what I wanted to talk about. I cancelled the appointment.
Also I think it was just a rough patch that I needed to get through. I’m doing much better now; I have such a better mindset. Who knows, maybe I’m in denial about this too.
The likelihood of us getting pregnant is somewhere between 5 and 8%, yet every cycle I am hopeful. I am disappointed every single time. I sometimes wonder how long I can keep this up.
Last week was tough. I was pretty much down in the depths of despair. I even made an appointment with a psychologist. Which I ended up cancelling after speaking with her. When I made the appointment I said it was to talk about stress management and my infertility. When she called me back she said ‘It says here that you mentioned infertility, you do know I’m not a medical doctor’. That right there ended it for me – what am I a complete idiot, why would I possibly think a psychologist would help me medically. Argh. I felt like she was calling me a moron. Then there was her voice. All whispery and caring, so phony; how could she possibly be that concerned for me… we hadn’t even met and she had no idea what I wanted to talk about. I cancelled the appointment.
Also I think it was just a rough patch that I needed to get through. I’m doing much better now; I have such a better mindset. Who knows, maybe I’m in denial about this too.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sigh.
So, H and I are basically having to make ourselves ok with an unconventional (for us) route to parenthood by using adoption or donor egg, to make our family complete. Or, the other option is just being the two of us. Friday’s appointment highlighted just how dire our situation is and Mother’s Day highlighted how strong my desire to be a mother really is. So, today I go on to the message board that I follow, and something tells me to check a particular board. My cousin is online there and I know that it’s her, but she doesn’t know it’s me. I don’t comment to her and I generally don’t post stalk her, but I’ve been very bad when it comes to TTC. So, I check into this board because I just know she’s going to have a post there. And, sure enough I was correct. She got her BFP yesterday, on Mother’s Day. She is so excited and I will be excited for her, but first I have to get past this angry at the universe feeling.
I’m kind of glad that I found out this way; at least I’ll be prepared when she tells me in person.
I’m kind of glad that I found out this way; at least I’ll be prepared when she tells me in person.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Dr. H 2.0
Well, we had our appointment with Dr H 2.0 yesterday. I already feel like he means business. We went over my case and things are not promising. Donor eggs were discussed, but we told him we're not ready to accept that fate and so we decided just to do the workup. He's going to monitor my next cycle and get the results of the blood tests - 12 vials in all and they're testing my AMH. I'm expecting that the AMH one will come back under 2.0, which will just confirm that my ovaries are fucked. Dr H 2.0 says my ovaries are responding like those of a 43 year old. He also sent my hubby for another SA that is some sort of DNA test.
I feel like we're in good hands and that they're going to try to get us pregnant.
The weird thing about this appointment is that it made H and I think a lot about our options. where just a couple weeks ago we weren't open to donor eggs or adoption, we are thinking a lot more about it now. We are open to the options, whereas before we were just dead set against it. It's true that you really don't know how you'll react to things until you're faced with the situation.
I feel like we're in good hands and that they're going to try to get us pregnant.
The weird thing about this appointment is that it made H and I think a lot about our options. where just a couple weeks ago we weren't open to donor eggs or adoption, we are thinking a lot more about it now. We are open to the options, whereas before we were just dead set against it. It's true that you really don't know how you'll react to things until you're faced with the situation.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Dark Place
Hubby is at a course tonight and I've had a lot of alone time. Maybe too much. I'm really good at shoving my feelings way down deep and ignoring them. Or I just eat them away. Tonight they are bubbling up. I'm just plain sad and angry. I was snuggling with one of our puppies and was hit with the thought that this may be as close as I get to being someone's mother. Then I just got angry. Quietly, sadly, angry with the universe. What have I done that has made me this way? Why me? Why us? I don't let myself go to this place very often because there's just no good answer. There's nothing tht we did to bring us to this spot. And, there's nothing we can do to change it. Oh we can go to doctors, and we can take our vitamins, I can shoot myself with needles and face the indignity of the dildo cam. But, really, in the long run that's just giving us a shot. There are no guarantees. And, that scares me.
It also scares me that I've been looking around at our life and thinking "hmm, we don't really need kids, we've got a pretty good life" etc. As if I'm preparing myself for some inevitable outcome. I don't want to think like that. I'm not done fighting. I watch different shows about parenting or see families walking down the street and this little piece of my heart just sceams out in longing.
If I bring this up with H. he'll just say I'm being negative and I have to thing positively. It's so hard to be positve all of the time. It's so hard to go to work and laugh, and smile, and pretend to care. Pretend that inside I'm not completely coming undone. I just don't know what to do with myself.
It also scares me that I've been looking around at our life and thinking "hmm, we don't really need kids, we've got a pretty good life" etc. As if I'm preparing myself for some inevitable outcome. I don't want to think like that. I'm not done fighting. I watch different shows about parenting or see families walking down the street and this little piece of my heart just sceams out in longing.
If I bring this up with H. he'll just say I'm being negative and I have to thing positively. It's so hard to be positve all of the time. It's so hard to go to work and laugh, and smile, and pretend to care. Pretend that inside I'm not completely coming undone. I just don't know what to do with myself.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
A Bad Case
I've got a bad case of the "what if's". I've been waiting and waiting for our appointment with the new fertility clinic and Dr. H 2.0 on Friday. It's almost here and now I'm getting nervous. This year I had my highest FSH reading to date - 19.9 - and I'm worried that it's keeping climbing. What if he looks at my file and tells me "oops so sorry you've waited too long" or he tells me he can't help us? What if he tells us we need to go to donor eggs and I've already turned my cousin down on her offer? What if there's more to our problems than we originally realized?
What if the fucking files don't get to his office in time for the appointment on Friday? I called today and they need 4 days to release them. 4 days?! I have asked them for a rush and am hoping that they'll get off their behinds and take care of it.
Sigh. I know, relax, right.
On another note, I've decided to write a letter to the last clinic and let them know why we have chosen another clinic. I initially did not want to do this, but I need to get it out. So, maybe if I post it here, you could critique it. And, maybe just airing it here will take away my need to send it off.
Here goes nothing:
I am writing to let you know why my husband and I have chosen to seek treatment at a different clinic. This letter has no reflection on the nurses, lab and reception staff as we found all were helpful, friendly and considerate. For the record, I am not leaving your clinic’s care because of my latest failed cycle. If I had received the care that I was looking for the outcome of the cycle would not have mattered.
I was under the impression that Dr.(insert name) was my doctor through this process and was surprised to have a follow up appointment with Dr. (insert name #2). He informed me that all of the doctors care for all of the patients and that there is no specific doctor assigned to each patient. Dealing with infertility is an emotional and often stressful time, not having a specific person that is “in your corner” was a surprise to me and not what I thought I was paying for. It made me feel like my husband and I were there to navigate the medical system on our own and that no one had a vested interest in getting us pregnant, although, obviously there was a financial interest. I am moving to a clinic where I will have dedicated care; there will be one doctor responsible for my file.
Having dealt with sexual abuse in the past, I have never gone to a male doctor for any of my gynecological exams. It was something I knew that I would have to get past as in the fertility field the majority of the doctors are male. I found it very unnerving to go in for ultrasounds and have a new doctor in there doing the ultrasound. Perhaps when you are having a new doctor do ultrasounds you can make sure that he is introduced appropriately to the patients. Saying "this is dr. so and so" doesn’t go a long way to making the patient feel comfortable. This situation was partly my fault as I should have spoken up for myself at the time.
The biggest factor in leaving your practice was the conversation that my husband and I had with Dr. (insert name#2) after our egg retrieval where only one egg had been retrieved. We were talking to him about where we go from here and he decided that it was a good time to tell us that perhaps “it wasn’t in God’s plans” for us to get pregnant. And then proceeded to tell me about a former patient that was in her 40’s that had several failed cycles (I’m 38, had one IUI fail and one IVF fail in a little over a year of being at your clinic) and had given up on fertility treatments. She went on vacation and got pregnant, but at 7 months (or sometime later in the pregnancy) was experiencing chest pains. Went to the doctor to be told she was fine and then died of a blown aortic valve which was missed because of the baby blocking the view. This story was completely inappropriate and insensitive. Both my husband and I were in shock and did not know how to react to what we had just been told.
I did not appreciate feeling like I was in a factory moving through the line and forking out thousands of dollars for a lecture on what may or may not be in God’s plans for me. We have set realistic boundaries on what we are willing to do, what to put ourselves through to try and achieve our dream. We are going to fight to get pregnant and we are going to make sure we have someone with us who is firmly in our corner.
That's it. I don't know how to end it. Thoughts?
What if the fucking files don't get to his office in time for the appointment on Friday? I called today and they need 4 days to release them. 4 days?! I have asked them for a rush and am hoping that they'll get off their behinds and take care of it.
Sigh. I know, relax, right.
On another note, I've decided to write a letter to the last clinic and let them know why we have chosen another clinic. I initially did not want to do this, but I need to get it out. So, maybe if I post it here, you could critique it. And, maybe just airing it here will take away my need to send it off.
Here goes nothing:
I am writing to let you know why my husband and I have chosen to seek treatment at a different clinic. This letter has no reflection on the nurses, lab and reception staff as we found all were helpful, friendly and considerate. For the record, I am not leaving your clinic’s care because of my latest failed cycle. If I had received the care that I was looking for the outcome of the cycle would not have mattered.
I was under the impression that Dr.(insert name) was my doctor through this process and was surprised to have a follow up appointment with Dr. (insert name #2). He informed me that all of the doctors care for all of the patients and that there is no specific doctor assigned to each patient. Dealing with infertility is an emotional and often stressful time, not having a specific person that is “in your corner” was a surprise to me and not what I thought I was paying for. It made me feel like my husband and I were there to navigate the medical system on our own and that no one had a vested interest in getting us pregnant, although, obviously there was a financial interest. I am moving to a clinic where I will have dedicated care; there will be one doctor responsible for my file.
Having dealt with sexual abuse in the past, I have never gone to a male doctor for any of my gynecological exams. It was something I knew that I would have to get past as in the fertility field the majority of the doctors are male. I found it very unnerving to go in for ultrasounds and have a new doctor in there doing the ultrasound. Perhaps when you are having a new doctor do ultrasounds you can make sure that he is introduced appropriately to the patients. Saying "this is dr. so and so" doesn’t go a long way to making the patient feel comfortable. This situation was partly my fault as I should have spoken up for myself at the time.
The biggest factor in leaving your practice was the conversation that my husband and I had with Dr. (insert name#2) after our egg retrieval where only one egg had been retrieved. We were talking to him about where we go from here and he decided that it was a good time to tell us that perhaps “it wasn’t in God’s plans” for us to get pregnant. And then proceeded to tell me about a former patient that was in her 40’s that had several failed cycles (I’m 38, had one IUI fail and one IVF fail in a little over a year of being at your clinic) and had given up on fertility treatments. She went on vacation and got pregnant, but at 7 months (or sometime later in the pregnancy) was experiencing chest pains. Went to the doctor to be told she was fine and then died of a blown aortic valve which was missed because of the baby blocking the view. This story was completely inappropriate and insensitive. Both my husband and I were in shock and did not know how to react to what we had just been told.
I did not appreciate feeling like I was in a factory moving through the line and forking out thousands of dollars for a lecture on what may or may not be in God’s plans for me. We have set realistic boundaries on what we are willing to do, what to put ourselves through to try and achieve our dream. We are going to fight to get pregnant and we are going to make sure we have someone with us who is firmly in our corner.
That's it. I don't know how to end it. Thoughts?
Monday, May 04, 2009
My Horoscope
Aries (March 21 — April 20)
It's hard to believe all the changes about to come your way. A dream that you dearly yearn to turn into reality continues to remain elusive. You must not allow doubt. An amazing success is within reach.
It's hard to believe all the changes about to come your way. A dream that you dearly yearn to turn into reality continues to remain elusive. You must not allow doubt. An amazing success is within reach.
Friday, May 01, 2009
All' Quiet, yada, yada, yad
Is all's even a word? Anyway, nothing much happening here. I'm in the one week countdown to my new RE appointment. Woohoo. I have to go to my old clinic to get my files. So weird, I contacted the clinic and asked them to request my files. They said that they can't do that until after I've been seen by them, but that they always need the files at the initial consultation. Huh? Their circular argument doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but it looks like I have to talk to those people again. Blah.
I am on CD23, which means it *looks* like i'm having a normal period after the failed IVF. Seriously, that IVF feels like it happened so long ago, like months ago. I feel like I survived a war and I'm almost to the point where I can look back on the time with a kind of fondness without vividly recalling all of the horridness and pain.
That's all I've got for today. Hope you have a great weekend!
I am on CD23, which means it *looks* like i'm having a normal period after the failed IVF. Seriously, that IVF feels like it happened so long ago, like months ago. I feel like I survived a war and I'm almost to the point where I can look back on the time with a kind of fondness without vividly recalling all of the horridness and pain.
That's all I've got for today. Hope you have a great weekend!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Deep thoughts
I was on one of the message boards that I frequent today and read a post about a woman who had been married for a while and her husband told her he doesn’t want kids ever. They’d had the talk earlier in their relationship and he said he wasn’t sure or he’d say “eventually”, but now he doesn’t want them at all and she does. She was wondering where she goes from here. I don’t know what she should do; for me, it would be a deal breaker.
After reading her post it got me thinking about something my husband has said to me a few times recently. He said that when he thought about finding someone to marry he wanted his wife to want kids, lots of kids. That’s why he was so happy that we both really wanted kids and he was happy and excited when we started trying.
It’s a total mindfuck that we both want something so much and both waited for that right person to come along only to have such difficulty getting pregnant. I wonder, if he knew then what he knows now if he would have got involved with me. It’s not him that’s broken, it’s me. It’s my body that decided to go into hyper drive and have my ovaries age at warp speed. Sigh.
After reading her post it got me thinking about something my husband has said to me a few times recently. He said that when he thought about finding someone to marry he wanted his wife to want kids, lots of kids. That’s why he was so happy that we both really wanted kids and he was happy and excited when we started trying.
It’s a total mindfuck that we both want something so much and both waited for that right person to come along only to have such difficulty getting pregnant. I wonder, if he knew then what he knows now if he would have got involved with me. It’s not him that’s broken, it’s me. It’s my body that decided to go into hyper drive and have my ovaries age at warp speed. Sigh.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Getting Older Sucks
I had my yearly physical today, I love my doctor, she's awesome! I had 4 vials of blood taken, a pap and a breast exam. Oh and I have borderline high blood pressure - it's still in the normal range, but it's on the cusp of being serious. I also have a referral for a colonoscopy, a request for a cardiogram, and a requisition for blood and urine to be taken. Oh and I got a referral to the new clinic I'm going to in May. This means no $250 fee for the appointment.
But seriously, back to the title of this post, getting old sucks. A colonoscopy?! A cardiogram?! How old am I? I am doing the colonoscopy because I have colon cancer in my family (my grandfather died of it) and I also have several family members with diverticulitis. I'm worried that I could have it. I don't really need the procedure for another couple of years, but I'd rather get tested sooner than later. And, because I'm currently not pregnant (well, not that I know of) it's best to do it now.
The cardiogram is to check my heart because of the blood pressure situation. And, the urine test is to make sure I'm not 'throwing protein' whatever that means. The other blood test on top of the fasting blood tests I did this morning, is to check my vitamin D levels. Apparently, most Canadians are vitamin D deficient and vitamin D is an important one. I started taking it about a month ago. Look how smart I am!
I am starting the DA.SH diet and a workout regime to hurry along my weightloss. I do not want to be put on blood pressure meds.
I am happy that I went in for my physical. I never do it on a regular basis and I really want to start taking better care of myself.
Oh and I thought I was 5'10.5" - turns out I'm 5'11". Look at me, still growing.
But seriously, back to the title of this post, getting old sucks. A colonoscopy?! A cardiogram?! How old am I? I am doing the colonoscopy because I have colon cancer in my family (my grandfather died of it) and I also have several family members with diverticulitis. I'm worried that I could have it. I don't really need the procedure for another couple of years, but I'd rather get tested sooner than later. And, because I'm currently not pregnant (well, not that I know of) it's best to do it now.
The cardiogram is to check my heart because of the blood pressure situation. And, the urine test is to make sure I'm not 'throwing protein' whatever that means. The other blood test on top of the fasting blood tests I did this morning, is to check my vitamin D levels. Apparently, most Canadians are vitamin D deficient and vitamin D is an important one. I started taking it about a month ago. Look how smart I am!
I am starting the DA.SH diet and a workout regime to hurry along my weightloss. I do not want to be put on blood pressure meds.
I am happy that I went in for my physical. I never do it on a regular basis and I really want to start taking better care of myself.
Oh and I thought I was 5'10.5" - turns out I'm 5'11". Look at me, still growing.
Monday, April 20, 2009
A Beautiful Offer
On Friday night, when I got home from work I had received a message on Fac.e.book from my cousin. She was emailing to say that she had heard about the IVF not working and offering her support. She said that she loved me and wanted to do whatever she could to help me and wanted to offer to donate her eggs so that H. and I could have a child. I was literally struck speechless and immediately started crying. What a truly loving and selfless gift. I am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life.
H. and I don’t know what we want to do if we ever get to the point of not using my eggs. We’ve talked and we don’t really want to use DE or adopt. Who knows what we’d do if we reach that fork in the road.
I basically told her that we’re not going that route, but that I was so incredibly touched, and humbled, that she would make the offer.
The more I think about it the weirder it seems to me. Essentially, my child would really be half my cousin’s and half my husband’s. The child would be raised in the family knowing that I would be its mother, but that its bio-mom was my cousin.
I don’t know if I am open minded enough for that.
This just reminds me that there is a benefit to this struggle that H and I are slugging out - we are continually reminded of how much we’re loved and cared for. I have been able to see compassion and caring from virtual strangers; to see the community that has been built around infertility and the strength that women have. I have had my faith in people continually restored. In this form, infertility has been gift.
H. and I don’t know what we want to do if we ever get to the point of not using my eggs. We’ve talked and we don’t really want to use DE or adopt. Who knows what we’d do if we reach that fork in the road.
I basically told her that we’re not going that route, but that I was so incredibly touched, and humbled, that she would make the offer.
The more I think about it the weirder it seems to me. Essentially, my child would really be half my cousin’s and half my husband’s. The child would be raised in the family knowing that I would be its mother, but that its bio-mom was my cousin.
I don’t know if I am open minded enough for that.
This just reminds me that there is a benefit to this struggle that H and I are slugging out - we are continually reminded of how much we’re loved and cared for. I have been able to see compassion and caring from virtual strangers; to see the community that has been built around infertility and the strength that women have. I have had my faith in people continually restored. In this form, infertility has been gift.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Thank-you
I was so worried about yesterday’s post, I was even contemplating removing it, but I got a few very supportive comments and have decided to leave it as is. Thank-you for your support and non-judgment; I have been my own worst critic for years and by putting that out in the world I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I was going to get.
Hopefully, by being open about things I’ll be able to finally move past it. I’ll never forget, but I think it’s time to forgive myself.
Hopefully, by being open about things I’ll be able to finally move past it. I’ll never forget, but I think it’s time to forgive myself.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Picking up the Pieces
On a completely different topic, I got 83% in my latest class as I continue towards my B of Ed in Adult Ed. I have one more Adult Ed course that starts on April 25th and one elective to take and then I will finally have my degree. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This last course I took was a struggle. I hated every moment of it. Dealing with a failed IVF, a computer dying, our cable/internet line being severed, as well as my FIL losing his companion suddenly, all made it even more difficult to get through. But, I persevered and got all of my assignments and reading completed. The reading was extremely heavy and I absolutely detested one of the books – so you can imagine how easy it was to get through!
I think I’m ready to share my back story with you. I can’t carry the shame with me anymore and it may give you some insight as to what has made me who I am. Big deep breath… here goes nothing.
I have never had a lot of self-confidence… always thought I was fat, always was extremely shy. Never had a boyfriend in high school. My dad told me I intimidated boys. I was 5’10, 145lbs, blue eyes, brown hair, athletic and smart. I look back and wish I could have seen the girl that I now see. In university I started to come out of my shell, met people, had my first real boyfriend (albeit short lived). I was a virgin. In between first and second year, during the summer I went out with a friend and got really, really drunk. Met her boyfriend’s friend and thought he was cute. One thing led to another and I thought to myself how sick I was of saying no, I just wanted to get it over with. So, we had sex… he pulled out before finishing the deal.
It was awful. I felt awful and just wanted to forget about the whole ordeal. Unfortunately, there were other plans for me. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I ended that pregnancy on my parents’ anniversary the first week of second year. I went by myself, I told very few people. It was the worst time of my life. Worse than being molested in grade two, worse than having my uncle hit on me when I was 16. It changed me forever. I would be in class and relive the experience, hearing the noises I heard during the procedure. It haunted me. I don’t know how I did it, but I passed all of my classes in 2nd year. Then I moved out west to work at a resort. I ran away, trying to escape. I got pretty heavily into recreational drugs and spent a year partying my life away.
After about a year, I made my way home and have slowly put the pieces of my life back together. I am so ashamed of myself for letting myself get into that mess. I feel so incredibly sorry for that girl, crying on her parents’ bedroom floor after getting the call that indeed the test was positive. I hate that I was forced to make the decision that I did. It was 100% the right decision for me at the time. I am so thankful that the choice was mine and legal and that it was free. However, now that I am an infertile woman it is incredibly hard for me not to think that I am being punished for that earlier decision.
By finishing my degree, I am taking steps to get back in full control of my life, to pick up the final pieces that fell away 18 years ago.
**I had never intended to write about this experience and I am not opening the topic up for debate. Which is why I never used the actual term, I do not want anyone googling it and finding my blog.**
This last course I took was a struggle. I hated every moment of it. Dealing with a failed IVF, a computer dying, our cable/internet line being severed, as well as my FIL losing his companion suddenly, all made it even more difficult to get through. But, I persevered and got all of my assignments and reading completed. The reading was extremely heavy and I absolutely detested one of the books – so you can imagine how easy it was to get through!
I think I’m ready to share my back story with you. I can’t carry the shame with me anymore and it may give you some insight as to what has made me who I am. Big deep breath… here goes nothing.
I have never had a lot of self-confidence… always thought I was fat, always was extremely shy. Never had a boyfriend in high school. My dad told me I intimidated boys. I was 5’10, 145lbs, blue eyes, brown hair, athletic and smart. I look back and wish I could have seen the girl that I now see. In university I started to come out of my shell, met people, had my first real boyfriend (albeit short lived). I was a virgin. In between first and second year, during the summer I went out with a friend and got really, really drunk. Met her boyfriend’s friend and thought he was cute. One thing led to another and I thought to myself how sick I was of saying no, I just wanted to get it over with. So, we had sex… he pulled out before finishing the deal.
It was awful. I felt awful and just wanted to forget about the whole ordeal. Unfortunately, there were other plans for me. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I ended that pregnancy on my parents’ anniversary the first week of second year. I went by myself, I told very few people. It was the worst time of my life. Worse than being molested in grade two, worse than having my uncle hit on me when I was 16. It changed me forever. I would be in class and relive the experience, hearing the noises I heard during the procedure. It haunted me. I don’t know how I did it, but I passed all of my classes in 2nd year. Then I moved out west to work at a resort. I ran away, trying to escape. I got pretty heavily into recreational drugs and spent a year partying my life away.
After about a year, I made my way home and have slowly put the pieces of my life back together. I am so ashamed of myself for letting myself get into that mess. I feel so incredibly sorry for that girl, crying on her parents’ bedroom floor after getting the call that indeed the test was positive. I hate that I was forced to make the decision that I did. It was 100% the right decision for me at the time. I am so thankful that the choice was mine and legal and that it was free. However, now that I am an infertile woman it is incredibly hard for me not to think that I am being punished for that earlier decision.
By finishing my degree, I am taking steps to get back in full control of my life, to pick up the final pieces that fell away 18 years ago.
**I had never intended to write about this experience and I am not opening the topic up for debate. Which is why I never used the actual term, I do not want anyone googling it and finding my blog.**
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Shared Emotions
I was reading a friend's blog about running into an IF sister at a neighbourhood get together. It made me reflect on a party at my Mom's house earlier in the week. It was one of those tupperware-ish parties - all women. All women who know about the recent failed IVF and are women who have watched me grow up and love me. So, I put a rule in place that I would go, but I didn't want to talk about it.
The first person I saw was an Aunt, she gave me a big hug and had tears in her eyes, but god bless her, didn't say a word. It got easier after that.
At the end of the night, most of the women had gone and I was saying goodnight to a different Aunt (my Mom has 5 sisters)and somehow I brought up the IVF. I talked to my Aunt about the woman from my previous post and how I just know there's no plan or "meant to be" when it comes to being a Mom... 'cause if there was I would be the Mom not that crazy cocaine lady. Then she brought up her own tragedy, long ago forgotten by me. She lost her baby boy at 7 months pregnant. She had done everything right and taken care of herself (she's a nurse practitioner). She was in the maternity ward grieving the loss of her son while in the next bed was the "town bike" who had just given birth and was hopping out of bed every hour to go have a smoke.
My aunt and I shared a moment of our misery, each separate, but essentially the same. She got it and that's what I needed in that moment. No hugs, no tears, just a shared look that said we both understood.
The first person I saw was an Aunt, she gave me a big hug and had tears in her eyes, but god bless her, didn't say a word. It got easier after that.
At the end of the night, most of the women had gone and I was saying goodnight to a different Aunt (my Mom has 5 sisters)and somehow I brought up the IVF. I talked to my Aunt about the woman from my previous post and how I just know there's no plan or "meant to be" when it comes to being a Mom... 'cause if there was I would be the Mom not that crazy cocaine lady. Then she brought up her own tragedy, long ago forgotten by me. She lost her baby boy at 7 months pregnant. She had done everything right and taken care of herself (she's a nurse practitioner). She was in the maternity ward grieving the loss of her son while in the next bed was the "town bike" who had just given birth and was hopping out of bed every hour to go have a smoke.
My aunt and I shared a moment of our misery, each separate, but essentially the same. She got it and that's what I needed in that moment. No hugs, no tears, just a shared look that said we both understood.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Today
I got my period this morning; I think getting the negative beta, stopping progesterone and waiting for my period is just cruel. You should get your period as soon as the beta is negative (in a perfect world there would be no negative betas.)
I am hurting emotionally, having periodic crying jags. I can’t even explain why I’m crying, a thought comes into my head or I see something on tv and off I go. I am not this weak person and I do not know how to handle this. H. tells me I don’t talk about anything, that I just want to handle things on my own and that it makes it really difficult on him. I’m trying, but then it just sounds like whining.
Because logically, I realize that not being about to have children is not the end of the world. I’m still breathing and healthy and have family/friends/husband/dogs that love me. It just is so damn unfair. There was a woman that was arrested recently for giving her 2 year old cocaine. Apparently, she was giving the child cocaine from the time the baby was an infant so that the baby was more manageable. The child now has brain damage… oh and it also has 3 untreated broken ribs and an untreated broken arm. What the fuck! That fucking excuse for a human being can have a baby and I can’t. We can’t! The injustice is unbearable at times. Sigh. And yet, I keep going, keep holding my head up and hoping.
I am hurting emotionally, having periodic crying jags. I can’t even explain why I’m crying, a thought comes into my head or I see something on tv and off I go. I am not this weak person and I do not know how to handle this. H. tells me I don’t talk about anything, that I just want to handle things on my own and that it makes it really difficult on him. I’m trying, but then it just sounds like whining.
Because logically, I realize that not being about to have children is not the end of the world. I’m still breathing and healthy and have family/friends/husband/dogs that love me. It just is so damn unfair. There was a woman that was arrested recently for giving her 2 year old cocaine. Apparently, she was giving the child cocaine from the time the baby was an infant so that the baby was more manageable. The child now has brain damage… oh and it also has 3 untreated broken ribs and an untreated broken arm. What the fuck! That fucking excuse for a human being can have a baby and I can’t. We can’t! The injustice is unbearable at times. Sigh. And yet, I keep going, keep holding my head up and hoping.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Moving On
Things are better today. I woke up this morning and the first thought through my head was “I’m not pregnant”. Then I rolled over and felt like staying in bed all day. Instead I forced myself up and into the shower and decided to face the world head on. I’m sad of course, but I have to keep moving. H. and I are in a slightly better place today than we were yesterday. We come at things so differently that it can be difficult at times. He needs to talk things out immediately, while I just need to be held and given some time to mull things over.
He did eventually give me the hug that I needed and that was the opening to some dialogue about where we go from here. We talked a little about donor eggs and adoption. Neither one feels right to us. Donor eggs, for us, seem a little weird and the procedure has a lot of the same pitfalls of adoption. We know that the child will eventually want to know where they came from, who their biological parent(s) are, what they look like, etc. We don’t feel that we could deal with that. It’s a personal preference that I am not open to debating.
I told H that I’m pretty sure that I want to change clinics. The biggest reason is that I did not feel that the protocol that I was on was appropriate or aggressive enough for my situation. I questioned the approach used by the REs at my current clinic and they weren’t willing to change their approach. Another reason I do not want to go back to that clinic is because of Dr. C’s lecture on God’s plan after my crappy egg retrieval. Also, they don’t assign a particular dr. to anyone’s case so every time you go in you could potentially end up with a different doctor. The ultrasounds were another fun surprise – even one where it was a new Dr and he didn’t introduce himself. I didn’t feel that the protocol used was designed specifically for me; it was more like I was a square peg being forced into a round hole. All of these things have built up to the point where I want a new dedicated Dr. and a change of scenery.
I have actually emailed a new clinic to see when they can fit me in. I hope I hear from them soon as I’ve heard nothing but great things about Dr. H.
He did eventually give me the hug that I needed and that was the opening to some dialogue about where we go from here. We talked a little about donor eggs and adoption. Neither one feels right to us. Donor eggs, for us, seem a little weird and the procedure has a lot of the same pitfalls of adoption. We know that the child will eventually want to know where they came from, who their biological parent(s) are, what they look like, etc. We don’t feel that we could deal with that. It’s a personal preference that I am not open to debating.
I told H that I’m pretty sure that I want to change clinics. The biggest reason is that I did not feel that the protocol that I was on was appropriate or aggressive enough for my situation. I questioned the approach used by the REs at my current clinic and they weren’t willing to change their approach. Another reason I do not want to go back to that clinic is because of Dr. C’s lecture on God’s plan after my crappy egg retrieval. Also, they don’t assign a particular dr. to anyone’s case so every time you go in you could potentially end up with a different doctor. The ultrasounds were another fun surprise – even one where it was a new Dr and he didn’t introduce himself. I didn’t feel that the protocol used was designed specifically for me; it was more like I was a square peg being forced into a round hole. All of these things have built up to the point where I want a new dedicated Dr. and a change of scenery.
I have actually emailed a new clinic to see when they can fit me in. I hope I hear from them soon as I’ve heard nothing but great things about Dr. H.
Monday, April 06, 2009
It didn't work
BFN. Don't know where we go from here. Instead of making us stronger as a couple it has kind of turned us on each other. Don't know how to move on, we can't afford another IVF. I don't really want to go to that clinic any more.
I may not be around for a while. Got to lick my wounds.
I may not be around for a while. Got to lick my wounds.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
4 more days
Thanks for your thoughts! I am going to work from home on Monday. That way I don’t have to take a sick/vacation day, but I still get some privacy when I get the call.
I’m feeling a little worried because I don’t have any symptoms. I’m not bloated, my boobs don’t hurt etc. In the afternoons, I have been getting tired, sore eyes and headaches. I just realized it’s probably because I quit coffee cold turkey so I don’t get the caffeine in my system in the morning. I am trying not to over-analyze, but seriously my first waking thought is whether or not I’m pregnant. H. has been pretty good about it, but I think he’s a little sick of hearing my complaints.
4 more days to go.
I’m feeling a little worried because I don’t have any symptoms. I’m not bloated, my boobs don’t hurt etc. In the afternoons, I have been getting tired, sore eyes and headaches. I just realized it’s probably because I quit coffee cold turkey so I don’t get the caffeine in my system in the morning. I am trying not to over-analyze, but seriously my first waking thought is whether or not I’m pregnant. H. has been pretty good about it, but I think he’s a little sick of hearing my complaints.
4 more days to go.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping
This week is moving at a snail’s pace. It doesn’t help that I’m not busy at all at work right now. Thank gawd for my course – it’s my last week, so I have that to focus on. I have a few assignments that need to be sent in. Sigh.
I’m not feeling very hopeful today. Well, to be honest, I just fluctuate back and forth between maybe I am, maybe I’m not. If one more person tells me to stay positive I’m going to scream. If I could mentally make myself pregnant – I would be by now.
I even considered (briefly) POAS… but, I just can’t bear to see a negative right now. So, I’ll wait and wait and wait until Monday.
So, here’s where I turn to you for some advice. Should I take Monday off work and receive “the call” at home? Or is it better to be at work where there are distractions?
I’m not feeling very hopeful today. Well, to be honest, I just fluctuate back and forth between maybe I am, maybe I’m not. If one more person tells me to stay positive I’m going to scream. If I could mentally make myself pregnant – I would be by now.
I even considered (briefly) POAS… but, I just can’t bear to see a negative right now. So, I’ll wait and wait and wait until Monday.
So, here’s where I turn to you for some advice. Should I take Monday off work and receive “the call” at home? Or is it better to be at work where there are distractions?
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