19 DPO

So today is 19DPO – 19 fucking days. And, of course, my temp dropped – below cover line. The end is near. I’m devastated, but trying not to be. Of course, hope is whispering in my ear that I’m not out yet. That, the temp could bounce back tomorrow. I made a mistake last night. I said to H. something about New Years and not wanting to go out because I can’t drink. He asked me why and said, in a really snotty voice, “Because I’m pregnant.” Then, I backtracked and said that I could be pregnant.

I was so hopeful. And, now it’s just so depressing. I keep having this thought in my head, “Start the year as you will continue”. A growing part of me thought I’d be starting the year pregnant. Now, I know I won’t. I don’t want to start the year as I will continue this way – infertile and broken. I actually thought today “Can there really be a God.” How can s/he let this happen to people? Why can’t s/he hear my prayer? What have I done to deserve this?

I do not go to church but I do believe in a higher power. I do believe that there is someone watching out for us. I just don’t understand why I (we, all of us infertile women) am chosen to go through this.

H. wants to go out tonight for New Years because it’s boring to stay home and we always do that… blah blah blah. I don’t want to be around people, I want to howl, scream, punch, yell and sleep. Only in sleep can I really get away from this. Can I just sleep away new years? Sleep away the pain of the last 2 years. It’s officially 2 years of really trying. 2 years of being a member on fertility friend. Because my cycles are so short it’s 28 failed cycles.

There are many good things in my life, but today, I only see what I’m lacking. There’s a part of me that thinks maybe it’s time to take a break. But, I’m 37, 38 in April. I’m getting too old to have children – not for myself but for them. Who wants to be 12 years old and have a 55 year old mom? It needs to happen now/soon. I’m officially just blathering on now. Sorry for the moaning.

Edited to Add: as of 12:25pm we have creamy brown spotting.

Could it be?

This is a log I am keeping for myself, so that I can get all of this wondering out of my head and not jinx myself by sharing it with the world.

I think I’m pregnant. Just typing that scares the hell out of me… ‘cause I don’t want to be wrong.

I’m 18DPO I had spotting on 15DPO. I never spot. I’m worried. My temperature is coming down. I think that this is a chemical pregnancy and I’m terrified to POAS. I don’t want to see a negative, and I don’t want to see a light line. I have no one I can talk to about this. H. just doesn’t get it. He thinks we should just wait and see. He’s not excited or disappointed or worried or anything – he’s just so matter of fact about things and doesn’t see what I’m getting all worked up about.

There’s a part of me that I am desperately trying to control… the one whispering “this could be it”; the one that wants to go crazy with happiness to scream and cheer and jump up and down. I can’t let go of my control because if this is not a pregnancy or it is and it goes south…how will I be able to take it.

These are my symptoms – kind of sore boobs, missed period, shooting cramps in my thighs (mainly left thigh), acute sense of smell (but this is kind of true all of the time), cramps in my lower ab – particularly left side so of course I’m thinking if this is it, then it’s an ectopic. And, after writing that I think well, are they symptoms or am I just reading things into this.

Or, is my body just all fucked up again. I want answers but I’m too chicken shit to try to get them.

So where does that leave me/us. Waiting. Waiting to see if af shows up. Waiting to see if it doesn’t. In the meantime, I’ll try to gather my courage to go and get the answers that I need.

Time to Relax

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. The holidays were crazy busy and I'm just getting back my equillibrium now. I'm dealing with something right now that I want to post about but can't. Over the next couple of days it should play itself out and then I'll be able to talk about it. Right now there are too many things running around my head for me to deal with it.

Christmas was a crazy hectic day, but i was completely spoiled. Loved it!

Merry Christmas!!!!

I'm not religious, in fact I'm agnostic (I believe in a higher power, I just don't have to go to a special building to express it) to me Christmas means love, family, joy, dreams coming true so when I wish you a Merry Christmas - I'm really just wishing you all of those things.

Merry Christmas to all of my friends visiting my little corner of the webosphere. This time of year is not particularly easy nor stress free, but I think we can all muddle through the best we can. No guilt. I'm declaring a guilt free Christmas.

It is ok to feel what we're feeling - normal even. So that doesn't leave room for guilt.

I raise my glass of Christmas cheer (homemade eggnog and spiced rum if you must know) and send this Christmas wish to you:

May the dreams you hold in you heart, be held in your arms next year.

Mini-rant

I'm tired of the two sides to ab_ortion rights referred to as pro ab_ortion vs. pro life.

I am pro CHOICE not pro ab_ortion. The other side is ANTI - CHOICE.

I believe that women should have the right to make a choice for themselves. The government should keep its hands off of my body. You have the right to disagree, but not the right to tell me what I can or cannot do.

For the record, I think that everything should be done to educate women and help them avoid having to ever make this kind of decision. However, if it comes down to it there should be a choice.

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

A Meme - 2008 in Review

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t do a resolution this year. I will make one or more for next year, but I have to put some thought into it so I can make sure that they are achievable.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
IRL – No, several of my web friends did.

Did anyone close to you die?
Touch wood – no.

What countries did you visit?
US – we went to Florida in March. And Green Bay in January for the NFC Championship game.

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
This is a tough one. Learning to run 10 and 1s.

What was your biggest failure?
IUI – August 2008

What was the best thing you bought?
Our new car – HHR.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
I don’t really have a response for this.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Nor this one.

Where did most of your money go?
Food, debt and shelter

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Lambeau Field for the NFC Championships, watching Brett Favre & the Green Bay Packers lose to the NY Giants in the 3rd coldest game in history. Experience of a lifetime.

What song will always remind you of 2008?
4 Minutes – Madonna (feat. J.T.)

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder?
Happier

Thinner or fatter?
fatter

Richer or poorer?
Richer

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spending time with my friends laughing and going to movies with my husband.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying about my fertility

How will you be spending Christmas?
Surrounded by family and loved ones.

Did you fall in love in 2008?
No, but I continued to be in love.

How many one-night stands?
None – I’m a married lady now.

What was your favorite TV program?
Gray’s Anatomy – it used to be Gilmore Girls, but they took it off the air.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope.

What was the best book you read?
Glass Castle was a good one, as was The Secret Life of Bees, oh, Such a Pretty Fat was also very good. And the Slow Fat Triathlete. Do I have to pick just one?

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm this is a tough one. Oh – that the Sunday Night Football song sung by Faith Hill is a rip off of “I Hate Myself for Loving You” by Joan Jett. Which as I have later found out was done on purpose.

What did you want and get?
I wanted a new HHR and got it.

What did you want and not get?
A baby.

What were your favorite films of this year?
Sex and the City was good, I don’t really have a standout.

What did you do on your birthday?
Had a nice dinner with my husband.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Whatever fits.

What kept you sane?
My Steel Magnolias, my fellow IF bloggers, my husband, my dogs, my friends.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jason Statham or Vince Vaughn

What political issue stirred you the most?
Earlier this year the Canadian government tried to put back-door controls on freedom of speech. That pissed me off.

The fact that Stephen Harper – the pseudo-dictator called an election to get re-elected in yet another minority government. A huge waste of money for no change.
Obama.

The Big 3 Bail-out. It has to happen; there are too many people that are directly and indirectly affected if these automakers are to go under. You can give $700 billion to a bunch of crooked assholes that pissed away people’s money, but $15 billion to actually protect your GDP, inflation rate, unemployment rate and people’s lives is too much to ask?!!!

Who did you miss?
I missed my Grandpa D. I missed my uncle Earl. I missed my Grannie.

Who was the best new person you met?
Lost in Space. All of the Steel Magnolias.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
To love and accept myself.
I have also taken that serenity prayer to heart – to change the things that I can, accept the things that I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find.. you get what you need.

Fragile

Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear. (A XMAS Story)

I’ve been feeling a little fragile lately, like I’m just going to breakdown crying at any given moment. I don’t know when I turned into such a suck, but there you have it. We cut down our Christmas tree on Sunday; we couldn’t find a tree exactly to my wishes and when we had to settle for a short fat tree instead of a tall, full tree I almost cried. I pouted all the way back to the car.

Yesterday the hubby and I played hookey, it was nice. We were watching tv and an old comedian from my childhood was being interviewed. I almost started crying because seeing him reminded me of what a great childhood that I’d had. All the things I’d done with my parents. Things I wanted to do with my kids. Kids that I don’t have…

Every road seems to lead back to my inability to get pregnant.

I need to shake off this feeling. I need to realize that there are so many things in my life that are good… my husband, my puppies, my family, my fil, my friends, my job and co-workers, our home. Having a baby will enhance the picture. It’s not the whole; it’s simply a part of the picture.

I’m starting to thing about my New Years Resolutions. Usually, I’m not big on them and I rarely stick to them, but this year I may actually do it.

WTF?

Well, my temps are all weird and it looks like I o’d on CD5. Yep CD5. Fucking great. I know I’m all messed up again. This just sucks. Last year I told my husband that I was going to do that Secret thing and focus on my goal. I wrote a story, I thought about it every day… me glowing, laughing and pregnant standing next to our Christmas tree in 2008. If I really ovulated already that means our last chance to be pregnant for Christmas 2008 is gone. Who am I kidding – was there ever even a chance? Oh sure, my RE gave us a 10% chance of getting pg on our own. But, really if it was going to happen that way wouldn’t it have already?!

I guess I’m looking for my own little Christmas miracle.

I’m going to my naturopath today to have a little acupuncture. I can’t wait for 2009 so that I can get it covered again. I used up my $500 naturopath and $500 acupuncture coverage already for 2008.

On a completely different note it was my father in laws 75th birthday yesterday. He was born in Queens_land, Austra_lia in a little town called Ayr*e. We took him to see the movie named for his homeland last night. He grew up in the era of the movie and it was a walk down memory lane for him. I found it to be a pretty good movie – beautifully shot – but long – 2hrs 45minutes movie. It’s worth it to see it in the theatre because of the cinematography.

100th Post

Perhaps there should be balloons and confetti falling from the ceiling in honour of this, my 100th post. But, I’d be lying if I said my heart was in it. I am on CD2 of Cycle #28. Fucking #28. I have on average a 25 day cycle, for all intents and purposes I ovulate every month, H.’s spermies are just shiny except for that little retrograde ejaculation problem. The Sud.afed is supposed to take care of that. I do have that pesky elevated FSH 12 being my highest, 7.2 being the last CD3 result. We have about a 10% chance of getting pregnant without intervention. I think my eggs are fucked. What other reason can there be? We have had PERFECTLY timed intercourse, then I have my perfect temp shift, eggwhites etc. Then I get a red parade into my next cycle. It has to be my eggs.

We have done one unsuccessful IUI with injections. We will do another in January – well hopefully that one will be successful. So, I feel like such a lame ass for even complaining. I know women who have been through so much more than I have; miscarriages and repeated failed IVFs, even losing the baby at almost full term. (God how heart breaking that would be) So, I know that my 28 cycles, with one failed IUI is not much to complain about. I just find it all so unfair. I want to scream my lungs out, rage against the unfairness of it all. I want to sit in a dark room and cry and stare until I can’t feel anymore. Instead I’ll go about my day, smiling, joking, working… moving forward while that small ember of hope builds back up into a flame.

Off Topic

There’s a woman who posts on a message board that I go on that for some unknown reason (well unknown reason to me, obviously it’s known to her) will just not reply to anything I post. I will write posts directly to her – asking questions or providing advice and every one goes ignored. At first I thought I was jumping to conclusions – which are easy to do on a message board. But, I have been doing my only little test to see if what I think is happening is actually happening. It is. I’m really not sure what I’ve done to piss her off, but somehow something that I’ve written must have rubbed her the wrong way.

I kind of care and then again I really could care less. I guess I care because I want to be liked by people. I generally try to be a nice person and be genuinely interested in those around me. So, it’s not often that I run into someone that really dislikes me (that I’m aware of).

I just realized something. (Is this what they call an Aha moment?) This person knows someone that knew me (or of me) a long time ago in real life. Perhaps that has played a role in this.

Whatever. I am not sure why I even felt that this was post worthy. It was irking me so I guess I just needed to get it out.

/whine

A Trip to the Store

H. and I were out shopping at our local discount store over the weekend, checking out the discounts on Christmas cards, paper etc. The store is famous for the “white trashiness” of its clientele. Armed security guards etc, etc. This family walked past us in one of the aisles – the parents had to be in their early 20s, they had 4 very cute kids but it was really obvious that they didn’t have any money. The parents were swearing at each other and their kids. My heart broke for those little ones. As they passed by us, H. looked at me and said, “It’s so unfair – how come they can have 4 kids and we can’t even have one”

I just shrugged. There is no easy answer as to why some people can get pregnant so easily while others can’t. We don’t deserve children any more than anyone else, but I’m pretty sure we don’t deserve them any less either. Infertility is so frustrating. It can get into all aspects of your life. Even a silly trip to the store for frivolous things can be turned sour.

We both moved on and got back into the holiday spirit. But, the thought lingers with me… why not us?

Turducken

Have you tried this magical dish? Every year, our group of friends gets together on American Thanksgiving and goes to a local restaurant that serves up Turducken as a salute to our American neighbours to the south. You Americans are ingenious (and maybe a little crazy J); to think of stuffing a chicken into a duck into a turkey and also taking the time to create 3 different stuffings to go along with it. Madness I tell you – magical, yummilicious, madness.

For those of you not familiar with this dish, here’s a blurb from the restaurant’s website that explains it a little better:

"Turducken - the American Thanksgiving Treat! A chicken stuffed into a Duck stuffed into a Turkey. Your Turducken comes with three delicious stuffings: Cornbread, andouille sausage & oyster. Enjoy yam gravy made with Bourbon and Grand Marnier , cranberry citrus compote. Served with brussel sprout gratin and our famous roasted garlic mashed potatoes.
What is Turducken? Turkey, Duck and Chicken all rolled into one with three delicious and spicy stuffings. If you a had a few days off and more than 25 people to feed, you could make this 10 page long recipe with 12 hours of prep time and 13 hours of cooking time at home. Why not save yourself the trouble and let us do it for you! "

Essentially, each bird is de-boned and laid flat. Turkey on the bottom then a layer of cornbread stuffing, the duck is laid on top, then a layer of andouille sausage stuffing, then the chicken is laid on top and a layer of oyster stuffing. It’s rolled up and cooked and then it’s sliced and served.

This year’s offering was the best yet! For dessert there was a choice of pecan pie, vanilla bean ice cream, & bourbon bread pudding.

All that to say that while you were celebrating, some Canadian friends were as well.

Happy Gobble Gobble (to my American friends...)

In honour of American Thanksgiving, I have come up with a few things that I am thankful for:

1. My Health
2. My Husband
3. My Family
4. My Dogs
5. My Friends
6. My Friends in the 'net
(not necessarily in that order)

I'm so happy that American Thanksgiving is here because it means that Christmas is right around the corner and then I get to decorate!!!!

I LOVE Christmas. In fact, I'm going to see if I have any Christmas CDs at work and listen to that right now...

Happy Gobble Gobble! As my Uncle Earl used to say, if you get too full, just have a small bowl of vanilla ice cream to cleanse the pallette then you'll be ready for more.

Oh and Go Cowboys Go!

Wistful

Every day as we drive back and forth to/from work we pass these wonderful children’s boutiques. There are beautiful clothes, pint-sized running shoes, children-only hair salons and children’s bookstores. I look at them so wistfully as we drive by. All I can think as we pass each one is ‘When is it going to be my chance’ or, on better days, ‘I can’t wait to shop there’. Invariably, I get a little quiet and just a little sad. Then H. will ask me a question or start a conversation without noticing my little bout of “poor me” and I am pulled back into the moment.

Infertility is kind of like grief – it sneaks up on you when you least expect. My Grandpa died 10 years ago, to this day if I hear particular old 40’s songs or smell his aftershave I will cry. So, when I see new neat little children’s stores or I run into an old friend who’s now pregnant with her 2nd even though I hadn’t heard about her first, it’s like I’ve heard that old song or smelled that special scent. I get wistful.

Hmm, that’s definitely the right word for it; it means full of longing or unfulfilled desire.

I think we can all relate to that.

Recap

What a weekend. Feels like a whirlwind, we got a lot done, but I wouldn’t call it a good weekend. The one really good thing we did was buy a car on Saturday. Our lease was up on our old one (well it’s up next month) so we impulsively bought an HHR on Saturday. It’s black with ebony interior. Just the basic model, but I love it. We pick it up next Saturday.

On Saturday night we were supposed to go to a friend’s place for a party. Well, I went up to our bedroom to get ready and then had a huge meltdown. I hated everything I owned. I felt like a fat pig in everything. It was so bad that I just decided not to go. Then of course I was mad at myself for acting so irrationally. It really brought down the rest of the weekend. Sigh.

I am on CD16 today. No idea when I ovulated, I know I did because my temp is up (I’ve been temp’ing sporadically). So I have no idea if our DTD was well-timed or not. Now I’m kicking myself ‘cause I’m such a control freak I like to see what day I’m on and know exactly when my body fails me.

We are for sure, 100%, definitely doing the IUI in January. I have one more month needle free and then -boom- back at it. I am not getting any younger and I don’t want to be a really old Mom so it needs to happen soon.

Nowhereville - Population 2

I’ve completely given up temp’ing this month and taking my vitamins. I kind of feel blah – you know, what’s the point. We’re still DTD and trying, but I feel kind of like we should just throw in the towel. I know we have only had the one IUI and haven’t done anything else. But it all feels so pointless. I guess you can tell that I’m not feeling a lot of hope right now. Oh, it’s still there at the back of my mind, but it’s not nearly as strong a feeling as it used to be. Doubt has even crept in. Do we really want kids? Are we ready for how it will change our lives? I have already dealt with all of this stuff. And, the answer is yes on both accounts, but I don’t know. I guess I really didn’t expect it to be this hard.

I thought it might take a while, I thought we might have to go to a FC, but I really thought we’d be pregnant by now. So, now that we are where we are in this process (essentially nowhere) how do we keep going?

We're still going ahead with the next IUI in January. I guess I just have to stay focussed on that.

Feeling blah

I went to my naturopath/acupuncturist today. I was not in a great mood… just read that the pregnant man is pregnant again. It makes me feel like such a defect – a so-called man can get pregnant it seems at will and I can’t. Just pisses me off. I say ‘so-called’ because men don’t have the reproductive organs to get pg, so you can’t really call yourself a man if you’re using your body to perform female functions. Of course this is just my opinion- to each their own.

Anyway as per usual, I brought my chart from the previous cycle with me. It’s truly a beautiful chart – triphasic and everything. I talked to Dr. W about how I had been feeling, symptoms, cramps, temps etc. She basically confirmed what I had already been thinking – last month was a chemical pregnancy. The kicker was that the chart was triphasic which is not normal for me.

I was feeling a little crazy thinking it was a chemical and being sad because I hadn’t tested. I didn’t have concrete proof that it had really occurred. But, I trust my body and Dr. W trusts my body and what it was showing. So, I’m going to say it. I was pregnant and now I’m not.

My heart aches a little at writing that. I told my husband and two friends about this. You know what they all said… “you have to take the positive away from this… you know you can get pregnant – that’s half the battle” You know what I wanted to say back to all 3 of them “fuck you.” But I value my husband and my friends so I just nodded and absorbed the blows.

So, I move on. Hopefully next time I will get pg and stay pg until the time has come to hold a healthy baby.

Nope

BFN. My LP was 14 beautiful days, I had a lovely 27 day cycle. Almost text book for an ovulatory cycle. Our DTD timing was impeccable. I had a dream last Thursday night that I received a card in the mail that said "We were so sorry to hear about your first miscarriage." So, who knows, maybe subconsciously I knew it was a chemical. I don't say that lightly. I know my body, I was so sure that this was it. I was crampy, tender boobs, moody - things I am not normally during my LP. Until Saturday morning - my temp was down - but, I just didn't feel it anymore. Got AF on Sunday morning at 6:30 - full flow - extremely heavy. Went through a Super tampon in 3 hours.

Anyway, it made me want to start the IUI process right away. But we're not going to... our plan is to try on our own two more cycles, save money and try to get a little healthier. Then we'll do the IUI. H is working again so we can actually save money and pay off some of our debts. Thank God.

I felt so close this time. Oh and my co-worker's wife had their baby boy at midnight Saturday night. He's their first child. I'm incredibly happy for them, but there's a small piece of me that is so sad and broken.

BTW - Thank-you for your well wishes. I truly appreciated them.

Quick Update

First - thank-you America for making the right choice (in my humble opinion!) Barack Obama will make a phenomenal president.

Now to me... I'm on 12DPO, my temp has been high and dropped today (it was really low when I woke up at around 4:45am, went back to sleep and temp'd again at 6:30 - it was a little higher then). My average LP is 12 days. My boobs are sore and have had some lower back pain, but that's it. My boobs are sore every LP so that's an indication of exactly nothing. My temps have been higher than usual (until today) so hope was creeping in. FF has me testing on Saturday. I have only ever made it to test day once - the cycle I did my IUI and I was on progesterone suppositories. All that to say that I'm waiting for other shoe to drop which I'm sure will happen later today or tomorrow morning when AF rushes in. I didn't want to post anything about this because I thought I'd jinx myself. Then I realized that a. I'm driving myself crazy from thinking so much about this and b. it is what it is - either I am or I am not and posting about it on a blog is not going to change that fact.

Anyway I'm driving myself crazy with the "am I's" or "aren't I's" and I refuse to do an HPT because I hate those things! I may do one if I make it to Saturday, but it's more likely that if I can make it through the weekend I'll get blood work done. My spidey senses tell me I'll need a tampon more than an HPT.

A Meme

I had a meme about the top 100 songs the year I graduated up here, but I took it down because people doing searches for the names of the artists were landing here. I just feel weird about that. shrug.

This is my first one:

The Rules: A.) Go to Music Outfitters. B.) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year. C.) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you REALLY hate. I don't know how to do the strike through options so I'm going Green for Good, Red for Bad.

Thanks to Inconceivable for the idea!

The Year was... 1990...

My new hobby

On Saturday morning I took a knitting class – the Virgin Knitter’s class to be exact. It was a 2 hour class for people who have no or very little knitting experience. When I was about 12 years old my Grandma tried to teach me to knit, but I just didn’t have the patience for it. In that class on Saturday morning, it all came rushing back. We were taught how to cast on, how to knit, how to pearl (is it spelled that way?), how to change balls of wool when you run out. There were 5 women in the class, 4 of us were pretty quick learners. One poor soul was completely confused. She spent a lot of time just mastering the knitting, not worrying about the “pearl”. The rest of us learned the garter and stockingette patterns as well as how to do ribbing. We also learned how to bind off.

I felt so confident at the end of the class that I bought two skeins of charcoal gray alpaca wool - so soft – to knit a scarf for H. for Christmas. I have already knit half of the scarf so he may be getting it as an early gift. Maybe I'll post a picture of it if it turns out the way I hope.

I’m already trying to decide which class I want to take next.

Anyway, not a whole lot of TTC stuff happening, H. and I tried more this month than we ever have in all of our time of trying. We got a High rating from FF for the numbers of times we DTD around O time. We both realized that while our chances of getting pg naturally are low, we have never really gone all out. We used the Sperm Meets Egg Plan this month. It seems so weird to even be talking about changing approaches at this late stage in the game, but that’s what we’re doing. H. and I were outside raking on Saturday afternoon (we got 20 bags of leaves raked up in 2 hours) and started talking about our next steps. We both want to wait until January to try the next medicated IUI. It’s nice to be on the same page about this. We’ll try a couple more times like we did this month and save some money. Now that H. is finally working again we are able to put money aside for this.

I guess that’s it. I haven’t been posting very much because life while not boring has been pretty uneventful lately.

Message Board Drama

I post on a message board that has many different topics not just infertility and am constantly amazed at the lack of decorum that is displayed there. I am lucky that in my usual section there is relatively little drama. But get outside of that little group and there are trolls waiting. Trolls are those people who have secret user ids to post horrible, divisive, derogatory comments that they would not normally post under their ‘known’ name. Occasionally, they are also posters who seem to be happy to insult and belittle other posters for seemingly no reason. The other people who are waiting are the “right fighters” (thank-you Dr. Phil). These are people who are waiting to pounce on the troll in the name of standing up for what’s right. They can usually be as insulting and cutting, but it’s OK because they are on the “right” side of the issue. They simply can’t just walk away. Then there are the peace keepers, these are the posters that try to show both sides the error of their ways. It’s done with good intention, but really just tends to drag out the drama rather than helping to resolve it.

When I see a post that appears to be purposefully stirring the pot, I keep moving or I will keep an eye on it, but not post. These posts can be entertaining to read as they spiral out of control.

The drama that has happened recently on my message board has really gotten out of hand. People stalk each others posts to use them as ammunition. It creeps into other topics where it doesn’t belong. In fact, someone came into the Infertility area and posted some very hurtful stuff. It’s at the point where the people I post with are talking about starting a private Face_book group. So that we can talk freely (I read this to mean so that they can bitch about all the people they don’t like in addition to talk about issues that most other posters don’t understand e.g., how it feels to find out a friend is pg on their first try when you’ve just had your 26th failed cycle.) My company blocks FB so I can’t participate – I don’t really have anyone to bash, but I can definitely relate to the IF stuff. I fear what’s going to happen is that the girls will all go post there and then I’ll be left alone on my old board.

I’m sad that it’s come to this. I’m sad to be left out of things. And, I just don’t get why people get so worked up about some stupid posts on a message board.

A Vent

I have a beef to pick with the message board world. I am getting tired of seeing people say “I can’t believe this is happening to you. You deserve to get pregnant.” As in, a particular person deserves to be pregnant more than other people. I really hate it when that is said for two reasons. The first being that for the most part, we are all deserving of the ability to get and stay pregnant. We are all deserving of having a child to raise, care for and love. Everyone has their own personal struggles that they need to overcome and no one is in the position of judging which person is more “deserving”. The second reason that I hate seeing this is because it doesn’t do anything to make it better. Let’s say I do think that I am more deserving that I deserve to get pregnant after 25 failed cycles more than a woman trying for the first time. When I’m proven not pregnant yet again, how can being told I’m more deserving help with the situation? It seems to me that if I truly believe that I ‘deserve’ to be pregnant, then not being pregnant will be even more difficult. So ladies, I thank-you for your thoughts and know your hearts are in the right place, but a simple “I’m sorry” will suffice.

Ahhh, I feel a little better now.

Been a while - sorry

Wow - it's been a while since I last posted. Not a lot to talk about lately. Still not pregnant, got my period on Monday. Should have been starting another IUI cycle but I got a bitch of a cold. I just didn't want to deal with sitting there sniffling in a doctor's office waiting to be called in for CD3 blood work. I am not ready to deal with all of the needles again. I know I've got a bit of a time crunch facing me, but I just couldn't make myself do it this month. H. is fine with it.

BTW, Stephen Harper got voted back in with a minority government. What a complete waste of tax payers money. It was clear that he wasn't going to get a majority - just a complete waste of time and energy. The only thing it did accomplish was showing the Liberals that they need to vote in a new leader if they want to beat the Conservatives.

Back to what I was saying earlier... this bitch of a cold is crazy. I've had it since the sore throat showed up on Saturday and I'm still off work. I ended up using a couple vacation days because I've had so many sick days this year. Which reminds me, I really need a job change. I am completely uninterested. That's a post for another day.

Political dishing

Not much new, but I don't want to get out of the habit of posting. Hmm, let's see what's interesting right now. Oh, there is the Canadian election. That's right while those of you in the States are preparing to elect a new President, we, in Canada, are getting set to elect a new Prime Minister. Our election takes place on October 14th. Our current PM, is Stephen Harper - le douchebag. He is a mini dictator - none of his staff or party members are allowed to speak to the press unless he has given them specific permission to do so. Then they are not allowed to give their own opinions, they must spew the party line. He is a member of the Conservatives (similar to Republican and he studies at Dubya's knee). I can't stand him. The problem is that the Liberals (similar to the Democrats) have their own douchebag as a leader - Stephane Dion. He's got about as much personality as a wet-noodle. And, I'm not sure what experience he had that qualifies him to be the leader of his party, let alone the leader of our country. On top of his we have 3 other parties in Canada - the NDPs, the Green Party and the Bloc Quebecois (these guys are separtists that want the province of Quebec to be a country). We end up having minority governments because the vote gets split between so many parties. So, the majority vote against one party, but because the votes are divided between the other 4 parties the government most people don't want in - gets in. In a minority government, it makes it difficult for the ruling government to make any real change because there are so many of the opposition included in votes. Have I lost you yet?

So I am asking all Canadians - vote either for the Conservatives or the Liberals (ahem the latter would be my preference). Voting for any other party will only dilute the election and we'll end up with another minority government. Nobody wants that.

Oh, and i have to voice one of my biggst pet peeves right now... Iraq is pronounced more like ear rack, it is not pronounced eye-rack.), same goes for Iran - closer to ear-an than eye ran.

Anyway, those are my 2 cents for what's that worth!

He Got a Job!

Wow – I’ve been pretty lax about writing lately. Sorry about that. I guess it’s because not a lot has been going on from a fertility standpoint. I’m having a weird cycle this month not sure if I’ll ovulate, but the faster this cycle's over the faster we can move on to IUI#2.

There are a couple of anniversaries happening this month for me – October 12th is my 2nd wedding anniversary. H and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2. As the fates would have it, my cycle lined up perfectly when we were married to allow us to really try to get pregnant for the first time on our wedding night. You know the results of that, so we are also about to celebrate 2 years of trying. Where has the time gone? I’m currently on my 26th cycle – thank-you short cycles. We did take a couple of months off here and there, but really it’s been 2 years. Sigh.

On the plus side, H. has 2 job offers and signed the contract for one of them today. He’s starting the new job on Monday. Yay! All I can say is – finally!!!! It’s a 2 year contract, with the money being paid to his company and then he pays himself a salary. No benefits, no paid vacation, but it pays a lot (a lot) more than his last job. So, he can afford to set money aside and plan for vacations or have a safety net in the event that he’s laid off again. I am so incredibly happy for him (us). It’s been really difficult for him over the last 6 months, it’s nice to see that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for him.

There is one other big thing that we’re considering right now – a complete life change for me. I have been interested in nutrition and how the body works with food for a while. I have educated myself quite a bit about it and find it very interesting. Well, H. and I were talking and he brought up the suggestion of being a Holistic Nutritionist. It is something that interests me very much and it scares me more than a little bit. You have to understand that I have worked in the financial world since 1993 (holy crap - 15 years!!!!). I kind of fell into it because my Aunt was VP of human resources at a company and I needed a job. Then I was really good at it. I do corporate training now, which is interesting, but... I would love to do something different, something where I’m my own boss. This would allow me to take my interests and make my own hours. It would take me about a year and a half to get the diploma. Then I would probably work at it part time until I had a set clientelle. I am cautiously excited about it. The course is a lot of money, but H. is going to help me pay for it. I just have to say that he’s amazing – so supportive and wants great things for me. Not sure how I got so lucky.

Anyway, back to the fertility stuff. I'm on CD12 waiting to see if I ovulate and then wait for AF to show up. I'm anxious to talk to my RE about the last cycle. I seemed to respond well to everything, and I know we only had a 25% chance of getting pg, but I'd like to know if there's anything we should be doing differently this time around.

For the Record

This is what Rockets look like:

Those little devils look harmless enough, but I'm telling you they're pure sugary evil.

BTW - Smarties in Canada are candy-covered chocolate.

I'm a Slackass

I’m a slackass and I know it clap my hands.
I’m a slackass and I know it clap my hands.
I’m a slackass and I know it and my body really shows it.
I’m a slackass and I know it clap my hands.

So, I kind of fell off of the healthy train. Damn you Rockets, every year at this time your sugary colourful tablets swoop in just in time for Halloween and I succumb to your powdery goodness. Yesterday I was at a drugstore buying an 8 pack of AA batteries, the batteries were strategically placed in the candy aisle. I made sure not to walk down any further than the batteries because I could see the Halloween candy display taunting me from afar. I used my super skills of avoidance, turned a blind eye and snatched up those double AAs. Turned around and lo and behold, my nemesis Rockets were piled nicely at eye level. I tried to walk away, but I just couldn’t do it. I left the store with the batteries and the smallest bag of Rockets that they had. Damn it.

When I got back to my desk, I ripped open the bag and took out 5 little packets – 150 calories of pure sugar. I did that twice more – for a total of 450 empty, sugar soaked calories. The sugar high was soooo good, I love the way the white ones dissolve on my tongue. Mmmm.

Then I crashed – hard. I was supposed to go running last night. But, by the time I got home I didn’t have the energy to do anything. So, I didn’t. I didn’t even try to push through. I’m so disappointed in myself for falling so hard and so fast.

I’ve been getting all of these great comments (thank-you ICLW!) encouraging me to keep it up. Thank-you for all of your support,. I’m climbing back up on the healthy train and am going to white knuckle it until it feels right.

On top of all that, I forgot to take my temperature this morning. Blah.

Healthy Living

So far my healthy living plan is going OK. I haven't made huge changes with my eating, but I have brought exercise back into my routine. I am starting the learn to run program over again. In week 1 you start out running a minute and walking two minutes and repeat that 6 times. Each week you add in more running time. I have already done the program once, but I stopped running for a while and thought it would be good to start over again. This time when I run, I am actually running hard. The first time I did the program when I ran it was simply to get through the allotted running time. I was doing this old man-ish type of shuffle. This time around I am actually trying to run at a good pace and take actual strides. It makes me work really hard. I went for a run last night and was huffing and puffing so loudly at times that people on the street were staring at me. Hmm, maybe they thought I was going to pass out.

In addition to the running I am doing a small strength training routine. From a healthy eating perspective, I'm trying to be conscious of what I eat (tracking it in sparkpeople.com) and drinking 8 glasses of water per day.

I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't put all of this weight on in one day and it sure as hell isn't going to come off in a day either.

My Pants are Huge!

Nobody told me not to go shopping for clothes while cycling. Or maybe nobody realized that taking progesterone for 14 days would make me bloat up a whole pants size. Yikes. I was feeling crappy about my fall wardrobe (can you believe the summer is over?!), thinking back on it now some of that may have been hormonal. I decided that I would go across the street to my favourite plus-size store - handy don't you think that it's kiddy corner from my office?

Anyway, I tried on what felt like thousands of outfits and suits. Getting completely disgusted with myself for going up yet another pants size. I found a beautiful black suit that actually seemed not to make me look like a giant marshmallow and bought a cherry red sleeveless turtleneck to go under it. I also bought a blouse to go under it. When all was said and done, I was pretty happy with my purchases.

I stopped taking the progesterone on Friday and wore the pants that go with the suit to work for the first time yesterday. They were too big, particularly in the waist. Not so big that they were falling down, but there's probably about a 2 to 3 inch gap when I pull the waistband out. Progesterone should come with a warning to shop at your own hazard. Those pants weren't cheap and now what do I do?

IUI #1 Wrap Up

Well, as you know, our first ever IUI with injectibles cycle failed. I was 99.9% that the procedure was not going to work when the actual procedure was being done. I didn’t have a whole lot of egg white cm and I had checked my cervical position prior to the appointment and it was still high and firm. This was confirmed when Dr. B had a little trouble getting the speculum in and asked me when exactly it was that I took my shot of Ovi.drel – the trigger. It just seemed poorly timed – then he told us to DTD for the next 3 days. If DTD was actually going to get us pg, we wouldn’t have needed the stupid IUI in the first place.

So, H. and I left the office – H with an optimistic outlook. He said on more than one occasion that he knew it was going to work. And there I was, cautiously optimistic, but knowing that it just didn’t feel right. I let myself get caught up a little bit in the whole two week wait thing. You know that age old debate of is it a PMS or a PG symptom. Deep down I knew I wasn’t pg, the IUI hadn’t worked. I think that made it easier not to pee on anything because I didn’t want my suspicions confirmed.

There were a few things that did work out for me. My FSH and E2 were exactly where they were supposed to be! My body reacted to the meds in the desired way (except for the trigger) I produced 2 or 3 eggs. The progesterone worked – my temps were nice and consistently high and I had a 14 day LP. I successfully gave myself all of the shots – conquering a huge fear. All great things. So as a test run, it went very well and now I know what to expect for the next time.

Speaking of next times, it won’t be this cycle. With H still out of a job, we can’t afford to do another cycle this month. We’re hoping that by next cycle he’ll be working again and we can jump back on the baby making train. Until then, I will be concentrating on living a healthier lifestyle. I’ve started running again and I’m going to be more conscious of what I’m putting in my mouth. I’d really like to lose 10 lbs in the next month (2.5 lbs per week at my considerable size seems pretty doable). So that’s the plan.

Beta Today

So, today is my beta. I went to the clinic this morning to have my blood drawn. While I was sitting there a woman came blowing through the lobby like a tornado. I could feel the excitement radiating from her. She was talking to one of the nurses about how at her last IVF the IV didn’t even leave a mark and how she’d peed on two sticks and they were both positive and now she was at the clinic to get her blood taken to confirm the pregnancy. And then she said yes I am pregnant – God Willing.

I was struck by a bunch of emotions. First, I do not think that I’m pregnant – I want to be, I hope I am, but… When this woman came in, I took it as a sign – she’s the one that succeeded this time. Not my turn. She took my turn. Totally irrational. I actually scowled on the inside. Of course, I am logically happy for her. She went through IVF, not for the first time from the sounds of it and it stuck. She is pg. She is incredibly lucky.

A little while later I was called in by the nice nurse to have my blood drawn. No big deal. She took the blood from my hand since the veins in my arms are so difficult to deal with. When I left she said Good Luck. I thanked her and was on my way.

So now I wait. I go back and forth between thinking of course I'm pregnant to of course I'm not pregnant. On Wednesday afternoon I went to the bathroom and there was one tiny little speck of light pink blood. Of course after that I was religiously and obsessively going to the bathroom and checking my underwear then checking the tp. There hasn't been another drop since then. I don't spot - usually when AF arrives she just jumps in full force, so I am marking it down to the progesterone suppositories. They really do what they're supposed to do.

As an aside, my Father had his follow up appointment with the heart specialist and he is in great shape. He’s doing so well that he can even play hockey this winter if he wants to. That blast of wind you just felt was my sigh of relief!

UPDATE: BFN.

Weird Searches

I just checked my goo.gle ana.lytics to peek at my stats and to look at the search phrases used to find me.

Having the word "oven" in the title of my blog has led to a few people finding my blog with some strange searches:

1. Babies having to go in the oven. Huh? I'm hoping this wasn't from someone who was looking to cook their children. I know it's morbid and not funny - but wow!

2. How to tell if my oven is celsius. Well, they'll find a lot about the temperature of my oven, but not quite in the way they were hoping I'm sure.

3. Superstitions on ovens. Who knew there were superstitions for ovens?

4. Killing yourself with an oven. My heart goes out to this person. I truly hope that he/she was searching for this as research for a book or article or something and not for information on how to harm themself.

Ramblings

For the last two days my temp has been 36.6 down from 36.8. I have this horrible feeling that this IUI was a bust. My body feels like it's getting ready for a visit from AF and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Of course I still have hope... hope that my temperatures will re-bound, hope that miracle of miracles this actually worked. I have been scared since the IUI, not sure if I really conveyed that here; I was scared because I definitely didn't think the IUI was well-timed. My cervix was still pretty high, the trigger shot didn't seem to work for me - at least not in the time frame they allowed. Then Dr. B told us to go and DTD for the next 3 days. I was scared and guilty because we only did it once - and I was scared because I thought he was crazy - DTD doesn't get us pg. I was also scared/overwhelmed by the 14 days to Beta. My body doesn't do a 14 day LP, 13 at the very most, but usually 12 days. So, I was/am scared that I won't actually make it to beta. I feel like I can't even do that right. On top of it all, I'm scared that by writing this post about my fears and my feeling that this cycle is a bust that I am tempting fate. you know - what you put out is what you get back. So, I could be ruining this with my negativity.

I have never felt crazier than I do now after having read that last bit. I know that wishing and hoping and praying and begging and sticking a smile on my face for everyone and making all my thoughts shiny and happy hasn't worked. None of those things have gotten me pg, but by allowing myself to acknowledge my fears - that's what's going to sabotage a cycle. See - crazy.

This reminds me of my conversation with Dr. W at my last acupuncture appointment. She said it's so weird how I'm like a different person from appointment to appointment. I go from being strong and happy and positive to being down and negative. There's no consistency. She said that most of the IFers that she sees go from neutral to negative and don't waver very much. I do see the consistency. I'm up and positive when I'm starting a fresh cycle - when there are no indications that the cycle could fail, when I allow hope to shine free. Then when I'm down it's because I'm feeling the way I do now - I know my body and the cues it sends me. And it hurts that it doesn't do what it's supposed to do. To me it's all nauseatingly consistent.

On a completely different note, I'm on the progesterone suppositories - 1 every night. After reading a lot of the blogs out there it seems that most women do one in the morning and one at night. Will one each night actually do anything?

The passing of a good woman.

I found out today that a good friend and co-worker died early this morning. She had put up a courageous battle against breast cancer. She underwent a double mastectomy, radiation and chemo treatments only to find that the bastard of a disease had found its way to her liver.

She grabbed life by the balls, had a braying, booming laugh and a tender heart.

I will miss her wisdom, and her straight shooting ways.

One week down

I have made it through one week of the two week wait relatively unscathed. Hmm, that makes it sound like things have been difficult. Really, I do think about it every hour or so, but I’m not tempted to pee on anything, so that should tell you how I feel. I don’t know how I feel about this cycle; I guess the best description is neutral. I neither feel like it’s been a success nor a failure. I’m really just waiting to see what happens next.

I have been on the progesterone suppositories for a week now and I don’t really have any “symptoms” to speak of. I am crabby and hyper-sensitive – H. is just loving me right now. I have been having trouble sleeping through the night – waking around 4am every night. I even fell asleep on the acupuncture table yesterday – only to wake myself up by my loud snores. Slightly embarrassing, hopefully nobody heard. Last night I was so tired I went to bed at 8:30 (well, I went upstairs got in bed and watched tv) I was asleep by around 10pm. Had extremely vivid and weird dreams last night all about being at the seashore (not sure which sea since I live in Ontario and the closes “shore” is Lake Ontario) staying in a scary hotel where I felt scared for my life.

On another note, H. is still out of work, but has had about 6 interviews this week. Hopefully, one of them pan out – and it’s one that he actually wants to get. He’s been having fits of depression the last few weeks. I don’t blame him really; I’d be completely stressed if I were in his shoes. I’m so proud of him for muddling through, keeping his chin up and pressing forward. I know he is incredibly smart and incredibly good at what he does. I know that he is going to get a fabulous job. It just hasn’t happened yet.

Please keep him in your thoughts!

Interesting Article

In Ontario IVF is not covered unless a woman has bilaterally blocked tubes. This article offers an argument for our government paying for IVF. It offers the idea of covering single embryo transfer IVFs because it is a much cheaper alternative to the use of fertility drugs without IVF and the high instance of multiples. The argument being that with multiples, they are usually high-risk pregnancies requiring more care, predominantly premature births require more assistance and longer hospital stays. This all adds up from a cost perspective - which is covered by the government. So, it's a cheaper alternative to cover the cost of IVF.

Oh, and recently, our government decided to cover sex change operations. Yet, fertility is still not deemed a necessary issue. I talked about that here.

I think all fertility treatments and drugs should be covered. What are your thought?

To DTD or Not

The parting instructions we were given on Friday after the IUI was to have sex for the following 3 days. So, what, magically we’ll get pregnant naturally after 24 cycles of no bfp’s? We dtd the following day, but we didn’t do it yesterday. On FF, my chart shows that I o’d on Friday, if only with hash marked lines, if it wasn’t Friday it certainly was on Saturday. Since the egg has a 24 hour shelf life, I’m not sure what dtd would add at this point. H. is stressed about not working, he’s worried and tired. The act of dtd right now is just added stress. It makes it so mechanical. So, should we dtd today? My inclination is not to, but I don’t want to have paid all that money for this not to work. Then I think hell I paid the money for the IUI, if we could get pg by having sex that would have happened already. Does anyone see the irony here?

So, I feel guilty for not following the dr.’s orders to do something we know doesn’t work for us. Blah.

I’ve been doing the progesterone suppositories. Thank gawd it’s only at night. I couldn’t imagine having to do that more than once a day. I don’t think I’ve experienced any side effects, maybe as I get further into this 2ww I’ll have them. I read a great post on a blog (now I don’t remember who’s it was – sorry) about there not really being any pg symptoms during the 2ww. That they’re all progesterone induced whether you’re on suppositories or going it au naturel. That makes it easier for me to get through this 2WW, because I won’t be thinking “there was a twinge in the area of my uterus, my boobs are sore and my sense of smell is stronger – I wonder if this month I’m actually pg” I can chalk everything up to the progesterone and just wait and see what happens.

IUI is Done

At 7am, H. and I were in the clinic and by 7:40 he had given his sample. We then headed down Bloor Street to a local breakfast joint to enjoy a leisurely breakfast. I didn't have to be back to the clinic until 10am. We took our time over breakfast talking about what was about to happend and plans for our future (we're thinking of refinancing our house). That brought us to 8:45 or so. We then headed down Bloor and up to Yorkville - a swanky little part of T.O. with lots of high end shops and restaurants. We noticed that the TIF.F had started and a film was going to be shown around 9am. TIF.F is the Toront.o Inte.rnation F.ilm Festiv.al, Bra.d Pi.tt among others will be in town to show their films and rub elbows at a lot fo galas etc. It's kind of neat to witness the excitement around the festival. H and his Dad are planning on going to one of the films, and H & I may go see either Passche.ndaele (a Canadian film by Pa.ul Gross) or Bur.n After R.eading.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, so to speak, after walking around and killing time at Ind.igo. We headed back to the clinic for 10am. There was one other clinic ahead of us having an IUI done. At 10:55am, I was officially inseminated. H. gave his sample at 7am, it resulted in 16 million healthy little swimmers. Dr. Handsome said that anything over 1 million is what they're looking for which is great. The only issue I have is that I don't think the timing was very good - my temp hasn't dropped and there isn't very much eggwhite CM, but I'm not the expert, right? We're supposed to do the deed (dtd) for the next 3 days to maximize our chances. And, joy of all joys, I start progesterone suppositories tonight. Beta is two weeks today.

H. was in the room with me when I had the IUI. I wanted him there because if we do really get a live baby out of this, I wanted him to feel like he was really a part of this. You know - that we were at least in the room together. It was funny, I asked Dr. Handsome if there was anything special that I was supposed to avoid or do. And he said that "nope, it's just like when you have sex". I couldn't help myself and replied "well, this isn't exactly like sex" he blushed. Teehee.

The part that was the best is that I had been worried about my FSH and E2 numbers - they were 7.2 and 115 respectively. Someone had mentioned that my FSH could be low because my E2 was too high and was therefore suppressing the FSH. That anything under 100 is what they're looking for. Well, H. brought this up with the dr. and it turns out that the unit of measurement that they use in Canada is different than in the US. In Canada, anything under 200 is considered good. So, I just plain had good numbers. Yay!

Looking Good

I had another appointment for blood work and an ultrasound today. The nurse took me for the blood work and took one look at my arm and sighed. It's pretty bruised up. She ended up taking blood from my hand. It didn't hurt so that was good. Then it was time for the ultrasound. Today my lining was 0.8, and I had three follies - 1.3 and 1.8 on the left, 2.0 on the right. Not sure why one of the follies on the left got smaller, but I'm happy that I have two.

So, now I'm just waiting for the call about my blood work. They are going to tell me if I have had an LH surge already. If I have then I will have to take the Ovid.rel as soon as I get off the phone and we will do back to back IUI's tomorrow and Friday. If there's no LH surge, then I'll trigger tonight and the IUI will be on Friday morning.

I am nervous. We have about a 25% chance of actually getting pregnant from the IUI. So, I'm trying not to hold out too much hope, but hope is there. Our goal is to have a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy live baby. I will do whatever it takes to get us there.

And then there were 3

Had another ultrasound and blood work today. The experience was completely different than Saturday's appointment. Everyone was nice and welcoming. The nurse who did my blood work was awesome and appalled at the treatment I had received on Saturday. Then the ultrasound was with my RE, not just the RE on duty. He has such a good bedside manner, he put me at ease immediately. And, it looks like the pure.gon is working. I had 1 follie on my right ovary (1.5) and two on my left (1.5 and 1.6). I am to give myself one more injection tonight and go back tomorrow for a final blood work/ultrasound. Tomorrow night should be trigger and Friday should be the IUI.

I am definitely feeling a little better. It's nice to know that my ovaries responded to the medication the way they are supposed to.

I don't know how this IUI will go, what the outcome will be, but I am hopeful that if it doesn't work this time that it will be successful in the future.

I read another IFer's post yesterday about how she went back over her posts and how they sounded bipolar. I can completely relate... one minute I'm up, the next I'm down. This whole fertility thing is really a big roller coaster of emotions.

One

It's going to be a long one...

I had my follow up appointment today - CD7. What a horrible experience. It feels so sterile and isolating in the waiting room. It's a newly renovated space, with modern leather seats and a small water fridge, but it lacks warmth and character. No one talk to anyone so you can hear a pin drop. It felt so much like an assembly line. They were calling us in by 2's to get the blood work done. One woman woul go into a curtained off area while the other would wait outside in a chair. The chair happened to be back where they did the procedures. I heard a woman getting ready for her egg retrieval, then I was called in to get my blood drawn. It was a man today, I didn't really catch his name. And, even when I corrected him on the pronunciation of my name he still said it wrong. He then had me sit down and he looked at my left arm. No good. Then the right arm. Again no good. Apparently I don't have good veins. He then drew blood, I think, from one of the bigger veins in my right arm. I told him I wasn't good with needles and to warn me when it was going in. He mustn't have heard me. I didn't get a warning. And, it hurt. More than it's ever hurt having blood drawn before. He didn't even apologize. Then I was sent back to the morgue, waiting room. whatever.

Did I mention a woman came with her Mom and her baby? The Grandmother was Eastern European and kept saying "come on be good" sternly to the crying baby. I mentioned the child was screaming - right?

Then I was called in for my ultrsound. This time there was no confusion about where I was supposed to be. I hopped up on the correct bed, cooter cam was inserted and I started asking a few questions. Did they check for antral follies the last time. Answer, yes, and he only saw the two on my left ovary. Oh. Again, after 5 days of Letr.ozole, nothing on the right and wait for it, one follie, 1.54 cm on my left ovary. And, oh, oops the other one wasn't a follie it was my artery. Great.

I was then told that we were done and to go see Nice nurse for my meds. Injections began today. Nice nurse gave me the meds and sent me on my way. I was forced to ask questions about when to give the meds, if it had to be at the same time each day etc, in the lobby, in front of everyone. I then paid my bill, forgetting to have my parking validated, and rushed out of the clinic.

I cried all the way down the elevator, out of the building, across the road, into the parking lot and down to my car. One fucking follicle. one. The Let.rozole did nothing.

I got home and held it together for a while. But, this afternoon I really broke down while talking with H. I haven't cried like that at any point along this struggle.

I was incredibly disappointed in the clinic and how impersonal the whole process was. I thought I would meet my nurse and she would talk to me at each visit. That there would be the opportunity to ask questions and get reassurances. It truly felt like a baby factory. These are the people I'm putting my faith in?!

So, that brings me to tonight. I gave myself my first shot. I was going to wait until 8pm, but I was so nervous that by 7:15 I couldn't wait any longer. I decided to just get it over with. I went in the kitchen and assembled my pen, I stood shaking and red-faced as I sunk the needle into my belly. It didn't hurt. I was suprised and how much it felt like I was pushing a needle into really heavy sponge.

I'm on 100iu of Pur.egon. I do not have faith that it will do anything for me. I realized during my meltdown with H. that this cycle will be about seeing what works for me. I'm sure that the next cycle they will up my Let.rozole. And, on Tuesday when I go back they'll up the Pur.egon.

The other thing that happened today was that H. and I really talked about what we want to do. How far we want to take things. I realized that adoption is not an option I want to explore, at least not right now. And, H. is on the fence about it. I'm not opening this up to a discussion on the merits of adoption. We know what is right for us. We also agreed that we will not beat a dead horse so to speak. That we'll talk about where we are in the process as we go along and see if it makes sense to continue. We'll definitely do another IUI and we'll do at least one IVF. But, we're both hoping that depending on how my body responds, that we'll know when to throw in the towel.

I know that this is sounding so down and doubtful. I do have hope that we will get pregnant. But, today really brought home what we are up against. It opened my eyes that this will probably not be a walk in the park.

Last Post

I have taken down the last post because I don't know how to mark it as private or even if I can mark a post as private in blogger. I am linked to another blog that my friends could happen upon and I am not ready to have a discussion with them about the last post.

CD3 Blood Work & Ultrasound

I made it through and it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The worst part was the nurse who was taking my blood. She didn’t seem very confident about actually getting any blood out of veins – too deep and little, one false move and it can be a huge bruise. I thought I was about to become a pin cushion, but luckily she was moved with stealth and took the sample.

Back to the waiting room I went to sit with my hubby. H. was kind enough to sit with me and hold my hand so to speak. Except that we argued the whole time – awkward! Totally packed, quiet, waiting room full of other infertiles and hubby decides he wants to discuss everything about our relationship. I, of course, didn’t make things better because the more he pushed and prodded me to talk the more I dug in my heels not to. I don’t know if any of the other people noticed – there noses were buried so deep in their papers and magazines, but I’m sure they did. I was completely embarrassed. You see in H’s family if you have a problem or want to discuss something you just do it, if it enters their head they share it. It doesn’t matter where you are or with whom. I on the other hand come from a family where it doesn’t matter if 5 minutes before you were going to leave for a party everyone was at each others’ necks spewing venom, the minute you were out that door the smiles were pasted on and everything was hunky dory. No one thought my family ever had quarrels because we never aired our dirty laundry in public. These two very different mindsets collided this morning in the RE’s office. Add to it that I was extremely stressed about what was going to occur – I was about to be violated by a man holding a wand – and well, I’m sure you get the idea.

We arrived at the clinic at 8:20 (I slept through my alarm, I wanted to get there for 7am), had my blood work within 20 minutes and then waited until 9:40 or so for the ultrasound. Here’s where I was the ultimate newbie. They called my name and I followed the nurse down the hallway, she pointed to a room and said go in there to get changed there’s a sheet on the counter. I went into the exam room, got undressed, put on some socks ‘cause I was wearing smelly shoes and didn’t want the doctor overwhelmed by my smelly feet, hopped up on the bed between the stirrups and covered myself with the sheet. And, waited. Then I heard faintly Sweet Georgia you can come in now. Thought to myself “hmm, there must be another Sweet Georgia since I’m in here already” then I heard them say it again. “Why would they be calling me when I’m already waiting for them and how come the sound is coming from the next room behind the adjoining door” I groused. Then the adjoining door opened and a little Asian man stuck his head through the door inviting me to join them next door. How was I to know? This was my first time. In my haste and through many apologies on my part, I never did get the little man’s name as he wanded me. There was a woman in the room as well, after asking me several personal questions (when did your period start, how many pregnancies, so no live children blah blah blah) she finally introduced herself. The little man said that my right ovary was quiet, but on the left I had two follicles one 1.3cm and the other 1.4cm, also my lining was .5 I believe. He said that we’d have to check my estrogen to make sure they don’t turn into cysts. After the appointment I put my clothes back on and headed back up to reception. I had to pay an admin fee of $200 and an additional $300 for the IUI. I was also given my prescription for Letrozole.

So now I’m just waiting for the call with the results of my blood work.

Just a minute

Hmmm, if you think about things long enough some times they actually come true. The clinic just called me. I’m not pregnant (all the blood and the low temperatures had already confirmed that), my FSH is 7.2 (Down from 12!!!!!!!) and my Estrogen is 115.

I’m ecstatic.

Now I’m off to get my prescription filled. I go back to the clinic on Saturday.

On to IUI #1

When I’m talking to a “fertile” about my problems and hear the hyperbole that is spat back at me, there’s a quote from Dirty Dan.cing that always gets stuck in my head “Baby? Is that your name? Well you know what Baby? You don't know shit about my problems.” I say this to myself, while I’m nodding and agreeing that of course I just have to relax and go on vacation.

IUI #1 starts this week. Tomorrow I go for Day 3 blood work and ultrasound. My first ultrasound while on my period. Yuck. I know most fertility challenged women have to go through this, but oh my gawd, I find this disgusting. I mentioned it to a friend and she said I’m sure the Dr.’s have done it before so they won’t find it disgusting. Um, I was talking about me. Having some foreign object shoved in my nether regions while bleeding. Blech. At least I don’t need a full bladder for it.

I was hoping against hope that it wouldn’t come to this. That I would be one of those lucky women that narrowly avoid the procedures by getting a “miracle, natural pregnancy”. I snort in their general direction. Not that I really care about a natural pregnancy. I don’t think it makes it any better or worse – a pregnancy is a pregnancy. I was just hoping to avoid having to give needles to myself. I am willing to do whatever is necessary to get pregnant, but the needles give me the heebeegeebees. Especially the trigger shot.

But, here I am putting the cart before the horse; I have to pass my bloodwork first. It’s time to see if the FSH has skyrocketed or not. If my FSH is too high will they cancel the procedure? What if I don’t have any antral follicles (I think that’s what they’re called)? I know I’ll handle whatever comes and I do just need to relax. (did I just say that?!)

Update on my Dad. He’s out of the hospital and home. He had another small heart attack last week and has inflammation around the stent. He will be fine. He’s got a really good cardiologist and will be starting rehab soon. Neither he nor my Mom is sleeping through the night. My Mom has lost 8lbs in a week and a half due to the stress. I’m worried that she’s going to make herself ill.

Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and support around my Father’s illness, it is really appreciated.

wow

So many comments! I forgot that ICLW was starting. I apologize for not doing my part yet. My father is back in the hospital - hopefully out today. It's been another stressful week - he's been in the hospital since Tuesday. He had another heart attack - just a small one this time. They had to do another angiogram. They found a small clot, but it's at the end of a small branch of a vein and there isn't anything that they can do for it. Also, there's some inflammation around the stent, so he's taking tyle.nol every 4 hours to see if that will bring it down. I hope it works.

Catharsis

It’s hard for me to put into words what my parents mean to me. I never had to worry about whether they loved me or not and because I was so sure of my love I really abused it when I was a teenager – particularly my Mom’s love. I don’t know what it was or why I did it, but I rebelled. Not in a violent or self-abusing way, not criminally or with drugs, in a much meaner way – mentally. I just basically rejected her, took her for granted and drove her crazy. It shames me, how I treated here. I have to remind myself that I was a teenager, a child, and that I wasn’t completely in charge of myself at that time. I have apologized many times. I don’t know if the damage caused by those years can ever be erased, but I know that we are forming, have formed, a much stronger relationship as adults.

As for my Dad, he seemed to always take a backseat to my Mom. I know, knew, that he loves me. He was always there, but I never really had much of a relationship with him. We didn’t do things together. A few times we went skiing or to baseball/hockey games, but other than that not much. I think he didn’t know how to relate to me as a teenager, but as a kid he could wrestle with me or tickle me until I almost peed my pants, just be goofy. Despite that I worshipped him, was totally Daddy’s little girl. My Mom used to say I was exactly like him and that made me glow inside. Wherever he was in a room I wanted to sit beside him. I still feel like I idolize him a little. No man will ever truly measure up to him. Don’t misunderstand me, H. is an amazing husband, he loves me so much and takes care of me. He is an equally good man, but he’s not my Dad (thank gawd, or that would be a little weird).

I think my Mom got a bit of a raw deal because she was the one that got the brunt of everything with me. She was the one laying down the law, doing the work of raising me. I think she always thought I loved my Dad more. I didn’t it just was different.

Thinking about having a baby and what it really means to be a parent has made me think a lot about my childhood. There are a lot of things I would do the same as my parents; there aren’t many thing that I would change. I think the only thing I’d do a little more is praise my child a little more, let them know that they’re loved and that they make me proud every day. Also, try to realize that saying things in anger can be extremely hurtful and can change a child’s view of themselves.

I remember when I was around 14 and being a complete bitch, arguing with my Mom she yelled at me that she loved me because she had to because I was her daughter, but she didn’t like me very much. It hurts as much today to think about it as it did 23 years ago. There’s a part of me still that is not sure that my Mom really likes me as person. Our relationship has changed for the better so much, but I’m still seeking her approval.

For the record, there were many many instances of great love expressed and shared in our home, laughter and tears and fun. It’s a shame that one angry argument can cast a shadow on all of it.

Sigh. This is really getting away from why I started this post. My point was really to say that I love them both and am proud that they’re my parents. I hope that I can be as good a parent when it’s my turn.

Hope or not

Do you ever feel like there’s a finite amount of good luck around at any one time? In this world of IF I have the feeling that only so many of us are allowed good news at any one time. A girl on one of the IF boards I post to announced that she’s pregnant. I am absolutely ecstatic for her – she’s really had to slug it out to get to this – still an early beta of 650 have to confirm doubling etc – but she got the BFP. Now there are other people in my world that are about to test – as am I if I make it a few more days – and it started me thinking. We can’t all get BFPs – it just doesn’t happen that way. So, who will be the “lucky” ones that do and who will be the ones that don’t? How is it determined who will and who won’t? I wonder sometimes if it’s all random or if there is some divine power saying yes to you, no to others. My FIL would probably be able to spout some mathematical equation that explains the outcomes.

I don’t know, I just feel like I am always the one who has to wait in this scenario.

I’ll let you in on a little secret – I have hope again. She snuck in during the night. She’s planting ideas in my head that maybe that twinge I felt was really something rather than just gas, that the heartburn is a symptom rather than just the aftermath of a late dinner. On the one hand I’m kind of glad that she’s here because it means that I haven’t given up, but on the other hand it means that I am being set up for all kinds of disappointment.

It makes me wonder, is it better to have hope or not?

Oh the Irony

First things first – my Dad is doing fine. He’s at home now. It was a whirlwind few days, but he was very luck in that he had the worst of the heart attacks at the hospital where they were able to treat it quickly. Because of this, the damage to his heart muscle was minimal, he now has a stent in one of his arteries and the heart should repair the damage that the heart attacks caused. Now, he’s home and can’t drive or play golf for 4 weeks. That is true punishment for him.

An extraordinarily nice thing happened as well, when we got home from the hospital on Thursday night, one of the neighbours had come and cut my parents’ lawn. It’s a pretty big property and was really appreciated. It’s amazing how people just kind of circle the wagons and pitch in when there’s an emergency.

Now onto my little bit of irony – I ovulated. According to FF, I O’d on CD17. You may remember this post , well, seems I was wrong. My chart doesn’t look ‘normal’ in comparison to past charts, but anyway apparently I did. We did the deed like crazy over that time period, so who knows? I thought we were completely out of the game, so it’s nice to know that at least we gave ourselves a really good chance of getting pg and if we don’t then I’ll be happy to move on to IUI.

I have said it before that I really want to have kids now because #1 I don’t want to be too old to enjoy the kids and #2 I don’t want my parents to be too old to enjoy their grandchildren. The heart attack made me even more aware of the ticking clock.

In case your interested - here's my chart.

Family Emergency

I'll make this a quick one. My father had a heart attack on Wednesday - oh ya, yesterday. He's fine. He had an angiogram today and is having an angioplasty tomorrow. It's been a very stressful 24 hours. It feels like it's been much longer than that. I'm glad he's ok. Wow, is that ever an understatement.

As for me - no ovulation this month. Oh well. I should have AF by next Wednesday and then it's on to IUI #1.

One of the big stresses for me around my fertility or lack thereof, is that my parents are older, but still young enough to be active grandparents. I know that they cannot wait to be grandparents. The thought that my Dad might not be around to see his grandkids scared the living crap out of me.

Sorry I haven't read your blogs/commented lately - I will do better!

A Dark Day

Today is CD17 and I still haven’t ovulated. I have never ovulated this late in a cycle and I am getting very upset. As I’ve said before, this is our last cycle before IUI & injectibles. We really wanted to give it one last try at a natural pg prior to the IUI route. How can we give it one last try if I don’t ovulate?!

Then there is this mental game I’m playing with myself – the” well it could still happen, but what if it doesn’t happen”, “stop worrying about it you’re putting too much stress on yourself.” “Oh ya, I must keep a positive attitude, don’t want to stress. It won’t happen if I’m stressed out.” one. The stress from not stressing is really getting to me.

On top of everything else, as this cycle continues, I’m realizing that I really don’t want to do an IUI and I really don’t want to give myself injections. I am not ready for that next step. It’s such a quandary because I don’t feel ready, but I feel a very real sense of time running out. So, I don’t really have any other option but going forward with it.

Most of all I’m so scared that the IUI won’t work. H. and I haven’t discussed how far we’re willing to go, how much money we’re willing to spend etc. I have read so many blogs or seen people’s stats on the high FSH boards, where the women have been through procedure after procedure after procedure with no baby at the end. It terrifies me.

Superstitious

There are so many things I want to write about, but I feel like if I put them out there in the world that I am tempting fate. Things about this being our last natural cycle before the medicated IUI. Or, the fact that I haven’t ovulated yet.

I feel like if I actually talk about good things that I think are about to happen for me or my family that they actually never materialize (or good things I want to happen). For instance, H. is still looking for a job and in the past I have talked about big interviews that are coming up for him that I think he’s got a real shot at. Then nothing comes from them and I’m left saying “nope, he didn’t get it” and thinking that damn I shot my mouth off again.

So, I won’t write my thoughts down, but perhaps through mental telepathy I can send my thoughts to you.

On a completely different note – I am a bit weird when it comes to my health. If I have something wrong with me, I automatically think the worst (like the time I found a lump on my back and it turned out to be my rib. Seriously.) I am taking DHEA and I’ve heard its virtues expounded – recently I’ve heard of some of the side effects that can happen. For instance, if you have a cancerous growth then you shouldn’t be taking it because DHEA will make it grow more rapidly. So, now I’m thinking – geez, what if I had a small growth that I didn’t know about and now I’m taking the DHEA and that small growth is growing and growing. What if it starts to spread? Could I be killing myself while trying to get pregnant? Then the sane part of myself says “Get a hold of yourself, you don’t have cancer and you’re not killing yourself” I know logically I’m fine. I know physically I’m fine. But that little part of me that worries about anything and everything can sometimes get me going down very dark, depressing paths.

Hi

The med-teaching session went pretty well. I will be doing pu.regon (100 per day) so the nurse wasn’t sure if I need to use the pen or a regular needle with vials. So, I was taught how to use both. I didn’t actually have to inject myself instead I used this squishy square thing that was supposed to simulate what it’s like to inject my big fat belly. Ugh. I was so nervous, but managed to follow the instructions to a ‘T’. The nurse even had me use the big needle to suck all of the meds out of the vial. She wanted to make sure that I don’t end up wasting any of it. It was slightly traumatic for me – I hate needles! But, the needle does look kind of insignificant. I know when push comes to shove that I will be able to do it. I’m such a wimp – I know it’s going to hurt, but not a lot and I’m making this into such a bigger deal than it needs to be.

We had a good weekend, it was a long weekend here in Toronto – Monday was Simcoe day. We didn’t do much, but we did go to a BBQ at my parents’ place. It was nice; the food was good, there were lots of bottles of wine and lots of laughs. Definitely a great way to spend the evening.

Today I heard a story about a friend of a friend’s wife’s sister. Just when you think you’ve got things bad, you hear one of these stories and then you feel so much better about your own life. The story goes that a year ago, the woman was 6 months pregnant and her husband owned his own trucking company. One of his trucks crashed into a government protected sanctuary and its oil dumped into the pone. The clean up cost $300000 and the man had let his insurance lapse. So, he had to declare bankruptcy. They lost their house and had to move into a trailer. Then the man got a job driving trucks. Now, I don’t know if you’re familiar with trucks at all, but the gas tank has a dipstick similar to the oil dipstick in your car. You use that dipstick to find out how much gas is left in the tank. Anyway, the guy was dipping the metal stick into the gas tank and somehow he scraped it against the side of the tank – causing sparks. The gas tank blew up throwing the man back from the truck and subsequently burning the man’s face and upper body. While he was in the hospital, his pregnant wife took over his truck route so that he wouldn’t lose his job and that they would still have an income. He is severely scarred, but is now out of the hospital, he has taken back his truck route and his wife had a healthy baby. Things look to be getting back on track, but they had a horrendous year. My heart goes out to these people at the same time somewhere in me, guiltily, I don’t feel quite as bad about my life.

The Ball is Rolling

Guess what I’m doing this afternoon? I’ll give you a hint it rhymes with schmuregon pen. I’m going to a med-teaching session this afternoon where I will be learning how to inject myself with a pu.regon pen. I am feeling a little freaked by the thought of injecting myself.

Earlier this week I emailed my clinic to say that we will be starting our first IUI cycle later on this month (BTW – can you believe it’s August already?!) and I wanted to know if there was anything that I should be doing to prepare for it. I also wanted to know how the process works.

A wonderful part-time nurse, let’s call her, Friendly, called me yesterday to give me the 411. First she asked if I’d been taking all of the supplements that Dr. Handsome had suggested (DHEA, CoQ10 etc). Then she said I would need to come in for a med-teaching session since I will be using the magical pen. Lo and behold, they had a cancellation for Friday afternoon – can I make it? So, I said yes.

In two hours I will be learning how to inject myself. I’m feeling a little apprehensive. Will I have to actually give myself an injection this afternoon? OMG I think I might be sick. I know thousands of people do this every day, and I know it’s not the end of the world – the needles are tiny etc etc. I just never thought that I would be one of them.

The rest of the call covered the IUI process. Call them on CD1, blood work on CD2 or CD3 to test my hormones (I’m already starting to worry that my FSH will be sky high), ultrasound to check out the ovaries for any old follies then the injections start, then monitoring to make sure the ovaries respond accordingly, then trigger and then the magical IUI. We won’t know until that time whether it will be a single or double IUI.

It’s good to know what to expect. I’m going to try not to worry too much about things until they actually happen.

The Green-Eyed Monster

I am an envious, jealous, horrible person. This morning I was talking to a friend who had been on a camping trip with a bunch of couples (her husband’s friends); all couples I have met before. There are usually quite a few funny stories that she has to relate afterwards. This time she said that the weekend was brilliant, but no major stories. And, then it happened… she said, “oh but Dick & Jane (not their real names) are pregnant. Yep, it happened their first time coming off of the pill. She’s due in February.” It went on and on about how much energy Jane has and how happy Jane is and blah blah blah. I was on the other end of the phone “Wow, that was fast. How great for them! Very good news” And, I am happy for them. It’s amazing news and such a gift. But, I don’t really like either one of them. She’s annoying and he’s pompous. So, that and my excruciating envy made it a little hard for me to be happy for them.

My friend (God love her), went on to say it’s a good thing it happened so quickly for them because Jane isn’t really strong enough to handle the struggle of infertility. (Well, what she really said was that Jane wasn’t strong to deal with, well, you know, any kind of problem that well could take longer than she expects). I guess that was her way of trying to compliment me or make it okay – ‘cause you know, I am strong enough to deal with it.

Fuck I wish I was a wimp, if that meant I’d be pregnant right now.

Of course over-riding all of the jealousy is guilt. Guilt that I can’t be truly happy for this couple (even though they’re both as dull as paint drying). Guilt that somehow their good fortune should reflect badly on me.

Sigh. I know I can get pregnant. I know I can. I know I can.

Baby Lust

H. and I went to the baseball game last night. My parents got him tickets for his birthday. The seats were pretty good; the only problem was that there was a ginormous man to H’s right and then ginormous me to his left. Poor little guy was nice and squished. The game was good too, a little boring at time, but the Jays won, so I left happy. Two rows in front of us was a couple with their baby boy. He was beautiful with his snowy baby skin, dusting of reddish-brown hair and big blue eyes. He was probably 7 or 8 months old. I could hardly stop staring at him and had to remind myself to watch the game.

The ache I felt for that little guy. If I ever had any doubts that I was ready for a baby they were all gone in those few moments (hours) of staring. I truly had a full on case of baby lust.

I know it will happen for us, I just wish it would happen now.

Harumph.

The witch showed her face yesterday, so I'm on to cycle #23; the last natural cycle before IUI & injections. It doesn't seem real that we're facing this and I'm so incredibly mad at my body. I wish so badly that my body would just do what it is supposed to do. H. doesn't understand at all, for a while there I thought he did - but we had a big argument today, part of which was because I aired my feelings. He said that the way I am when I'm disappointed makes him not want to have kids with me. Makes the whole process too difficult. Very hurtful. I know he was just venting so I didn't get too upset about it. Of course, it's one of those things that will be with me for a long time. That's what happens when you say hurtful things when you argue. You end up being held accountable for something you didn't really mean. Which is why I try not to hit below the belt.

Heidi had a question about DHEA and if I've had any side effects. I'm on a low dosage compared to what I've read on the high FSH boards. I take 25mg per day. The only side effects so far is acne. I have never been prone to acne, but now I am. It's not incredibly bad, just small blemishes here and there. I can definitely deal with it.

I'm still trying to stay positive - it's been 3 normal (for me) cycles in a row. I'm hoping this will be another normal cycle. I am upping my exercise quite a bit this week and am going to start (again) being conscious of what I'm eating. I am very overweight and that cannot be helping in this bid to get pregnant. My problem is that I am an emotional eater and a self-saboteur. Throw infertility into the mix and I'm a mess. I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth the effort.

Oh and on the plus side, my back seems to be fine.

Relaxation.

This week of vacation has been just what I needed. I feel rejuvenated. Yesterday at my acu appointment I told Dr. W that I am feeling really good and I know that if this cycle isn't the one (my temp dropped today, CD25, 14DPO) that at least it's another good cycle. And, wait for it... I know that it will work in the future. That's right I put it right out there. I know that I will have a baby, whether it comes from a natural cycle, IUI or IVF etc I will have one. In black and white, that's kind of scary, kind of like I'm tempting fate to come and kick my ass. But, I'm not going to delete it. It's truly how I feel.

After my bold statement, Dr. W's mouth hung open for a moment and then she asked "Who are you?" May be a sign that I've been a little too pessimistic in past appointments.

Oh, BTW, before I go any further, I have to say Thank-you! For the comments. It's kind of strange ('cause I don't really think that what I have to say is that interesting) yet really heart-warming that people take the time to stop by and drop me a line. I truly appreciate it!

I left this message as saved and went to go swimming. Some how between then and now I have hurt my back. After swimming I could barely get dressed and had to ask a woman in the change room to get my things out of the locker for me. I've been back for a couple of hours and all I've been doing is sitting on the couch, propped up with a pillow and leaning on a heating pad. I feel better.

I want to take pain medication - we have some robaxacet, but I still haven't got my period. So, I don't know if I'm allowed to take it.

We were supposed to do a bunch of yard work and then go down and walk around the jazz festival tonight (Toronto Beaches International Jazz Festival). It's a yearly tradition. I can barely walk from one room to the next. bah.

On Vacation

Wow - it's been at least a week since I posted last. Guess you can tell that things have been pretty uneventful. On the IF front, we're still planning the IUI for the cycle after next. Today I am 12DPO or 7DPO depending on which day I ovulated - after changing thermometers, FF said I O'd on CD16. I'm pretty sure I O'd on CD11. I guess we'll find out in the next couple of days.

I'm on vacation this week. Woohoo! I have been lazing around the house for the last couple of days. On Monday, I didn't even get dressed until almost 5pm. Sweet. Well, we did go to a movie on Monday night, it was a preview of the movie Trop.ic Thunder. Hysterical! Be.n Stil.ler, Ro.bert Do.wney Jr., and Jac.k Bl.ack star in it and there are a bunch of other big names in the movie. It's about a bunch of actors that are filming a war film that get dropped in the jungle and end up in a real war. Very funny!

Not sure what we've got planned for the rest of the week, maybe a picnic at the beach if the weather is nice. It's just nice not having to go to work.