Sisterhood Awards

Sandra D of Keeping my head out of the stove…while waiting for a bun in the oven nominated me for a Sisterhood award. I have seen these awards before, but never thought I would be the recipient of one. Thank-you, again, Sandra D. for the nomination!



Here are the guidelines for this award:

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.
2) Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
3) Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
4) Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I have listed 5 blogs because quite a few of the blogs I read are private.

1. Just Another Cycle
2. Were You Looking For Me
3. Frustrated Musings of a Seemingly Calm Gal
4. How to Get from 0 to Pregnant in 365 Easy Steps
5. Tales of the Phoenix

And away we go...

Today is CD3, so I hauled my rather large rump to the clinic. First time cycling through Dr. H 2.0's office and I felt like such a newbie. The clinic was jumping, I couldn't believe how many people were in the office. It was like a very complicated game of musical chairs, one person gets called in another takes the seat and so on. I had my full bladder external utlrasound, internal ultradsound and blood work, not necessarily in that order. All looked good, no fibroids etc etc. I have 6 antrals, that's pretty good for me and my dusty ovaries.

Here's how it breaks down. 6 antrals, one small cyst on the left, but not enough to stop me from cycling. FSH was 8.9 and E2 was 69. All in all, pretty good for this old cat.

I started my puregon tonight - 300ius. I did 300 ius during my IVF cycle, but it was divided up 150 twice a day. So, I never had the true pleasure of giving myself the full dose until tonight. Holy mother that hurt. Not going in, but after it stung. H. was calling me a "big girl" the whole time I was moaning. Not funny.

I would like to say thank-you to Sandra D. for nominating me for the Sisterhood Award. So, thank-you. I was very touched by it! I will come back and post about the awared and do my own nominations later. Have to ruminate on it a little bit.

For those of you keeping track, I go back on Wednesday for a follow up ultrasound and bloodwork. Oh and I also have the pleasure of having to book an SHG this week. Boo!

Edited to Add: SHG has now been booked for Friday at 1pm.

I'm a Duck

I read a post on a blog today – a final post. It was so filled with excitement and hope for the future, and was all about looking and moving forward. It was from a couple who had done their time in the IF ditches and had finally, resolutely, made the decision to move on to adoption. It talked about feeling calm and relaxed and about how great it felt to get out of the ditches. Of not having to look forward to the next cycle or worry about the last one. It brought a tear to my eye and I’m not sure why.

H. and I have been talking a lot lately about adopting. Neither of us is ready to start that process and to officially give up on trying for one of “our own”. I am finding it tough to even contemplate not having a bio-kid, but there is a certain appeal about giving up this battle. I am getting tired of always staying positive, always being hopeful, always thinking this might be the one.

I feel like I’m a duck. You know that metaphor, everything is calm above the water as the duck sedately floats by. Meanwhile under the water his little legs are paddling feverishly away. That is so who I am right now. Must keep my eye on the prize, no being negative, no giving up, certainly not acknowledging those feelings of contempt for my body or envy for my cousin/friend/co-worker/stranger that just “got” pregnant. Must appear serene, strong, confident and happy. Don’t forget the happy. Nothing to see here folks, I’m fine, we’re fine. It’s all going to work out fine.

BFNK

So, I can’t believe I did this. I bought FRERs (a two pack) and actually POAS this morning. What was I thinking? Of course it was a BFN. And as if that wasn’t insult enough we drove into work behind a car whose license plate read – BFNK. (K is my first initial). Sweet.

CD25

I don't know if I mentioned it, and am too lazy to go back and check, but H. and I had rented a cottage for a week in July and then cancelled it around the time the market crashed. We felt in pretty dire straits financially and had just had a failed IVF, so we backed out. Well, I've been checking periodically to see if the cottage got rented out again - if it had we'd lose around $200, if it hadn't we'd lose our whole deposit. I checked yesterday and it was still available. H. and I looked at our financial situation and we figured that we can cover it ... so we're back on!

I can't wait for a week of quiet in the country! We've invited my parents, my brother and his girlfriend and my aunt & uncle up for one of the weekends. The cottage is huge and has a Wii. So, if it rains we're still golden.

On a completely separate note, I'm currently on an estrogen patch. I've had no side effects from it that I can tell. In fact, I feel great. Are you supposed to have side effects from the patch? And, do you know if it lengthens your cycle? My last cycle was 23 days. The nurse at the clinic said that it was probably due to the IVF. Shrug. I'm on CD25 now and am hoping for a regular cycle of 28 days. (well, what I'm really hoping for is a BFP). I have no idea if I ovulated, so this could be an anovulatory cycle that just runs on. Fuck, I hope it's not that.

Sorry about the f-bomb, but I'm leaving it in. I've been dropping a lot of them lately... guess it's just the mood I'm in.

Got a Plan

Dr. H 2.0 is not playing around. I went for an appointment with my cycle monitor nurse, let's call her Sunshine, today. It went really well. I thought when they said that we'd start out with cycle monitoring that it meant that they'd just monitor a natural cycle. NOPE. They are monitoring me to see how I respond to the Estrogen Priming Protocol. I start the patches today; the patches last 48 hours and then you have to change it. I do this until CD28 or I get my period, whichever comes first. Then I go in for CD3 blood work and they do a vaginal and external ultrasound. If all is as it should be I start 300iu of pure.gon per day. That's what I was on and didn't respond to for my IVF, so I'm a little worried about that. Then we will trigger and do 2 iui's back to back.

I told H. about this and he responded exactly as I was feeling "i don't know why.. but it sounds exciting.. i've got a good feeling about what you've just said."

So, we're back in the game. Oh and they got my TSH back, it was 3.17. They say that's normal and will only be worried about it when I get pregnant. Since in the first trimester they like to see it closer to 2.0.

Land of Denial

I live in the land of denial and actually quite like it. Every month, I watch my cycle and H. and I have sex at the most appropriate times of the month. I then obsessively check my boobs and scan myself for symptoms until inevitably AF shows up. Then I start the whole process over again.

The likelihood of us getting pregnant is somewhere between 5 and 8%, yet every cycle I am hopeful. I am disappointed every single time. I sometimes wonder how long I can keep this up.

Last week was tough. I was pretty much down in the depths of despair. I even made an appointment with a psychologist. Which I ended up cancelling after speaking with her. When I made the appointment I said it was to talk about stress management and my infertility. When she called me back she said ‘It says here that you mentioned infertility, you do know I’m not a medical doctor’. That right there ended it for me – what am I a complete idiot, why would I possibly think a psychologist would help me medically. Argh. I felt like she was calling me a moron. Then there was her voice. All whispery and caring, so phony; how could she possibly be that concerned for me… we hadn’t even met and she had no idea what I wanted to talk about. I cancelled the appointment.

Also I think it was just a rough patch that I needed to get through. I’m doing much better now; I have such a better mindset. Who knows, maybe I’m in denial about this too.

Sigh.

So, H and I are basically having to make ourselves ok with an unconventional (for us) route to parenthood by using adoption or donor egg, to make our family complete. Or, the other option is just being the two of us. Friday’s appointment highlighted just how dire our situation is and Mother’s Day highlighted how strong my desire to be a mother really is. So, today I go on to the message board that I follow, and something tells me to check a particular board. My cousin is online there and I know that it’s her, but she doesn’t know it’s me. I don’t comment to her and I generally don’t post stalk her, but I’ve been very bad when it comes to TTC. So, I check into this board because I just know she’s going to have a post there. And, sure enough I was correct. She got her BFP yesterday, on Mother’s Day. She is so excited and I will be excited for her, but first I have to get past this angry at the universe feeling.

I’m kind of glad that I found out this way; at least I’ll be prepared when she tells me in person.

Dr. H 2.0

Well, we had our appointment with Dr H 2.0 yesterday. I already feel like he means business. We went over my case and things are not promising. Donor eggs were discussed, but we told him we're not ready to accept that fate and so we decided just to do the workup. He's going to monitor my next cycle and get the results of the blood tests - 12 vials in all and they're testing my AMH. I'm expecting that the AMH one will come back under 2.0, which will just confirm that my ovaries are fucked. Dr H 2.0 says my ovaries are responding like those of a 43 year old. He also sent my hubby for another SA that is some sort of DNA test.

I feel like we're in good hands and that they're going to try to get us pregnant.

The weird thing about this appointment is that it made H and I think a lot about our options. where just a couple weeks ago we weren't open to donor eggs or adoption, we are thinking a lot more about it now. We are open to the options, whereas before we were just dead set against it. It's true that you really don't know how you'll react to things until you're faced with the situation.

Dark Place

Hubby is at a course tonight and I've had a lot of alone time. Maybe too much. I'm really good at shoving my feelings way down deep and ignoring them. Or I just eat them away. Tonight they are bubbling up. I'm just plain sad and angry. I was snuggling with one of our puppies and was hit with the thought that this may be as close as I get to being someone's mother. Then I just got angry. Quietly, sadly, angry with the universe. What have I done that has made me this way? Why me? Why us? I don't let myself go to this place very often because there's just no good answer. There's nothing tht we did to bring us to this spot. And, there's nothing we can do to change it. Oh we can go to doctors, and we can take our vitamins, I can shoot myself with needles and face the indignity of the dildo cam. But, really, in the long run that's just giving us a shot. There are no guarantees. And, that scares me.

It also scares me that I've been looking around at our life and thinking "hmm, we don't really need kids, we've got a pretty good life" etc. As if I'm preparing myself for some inevitable outcome. I don't want to think like that. I'm not done fighting. I watch different shows about parenting or see families walking down the street and this little piece of my heart just sceams out in longing.

If I bring this up with H. he'll just say I'm being negative and I have to thing positively. It's so hard to be positve all of the time. It's so hard to go to work and laugh, and smile, and pretend to care. Pretend that inside I'm not completely coming undone. I just don't know what to do with myself.

A Bad Case

I've got a bad case of the "what if's". I've been waiting and waiting for our appointment with the new fertility clinic and Dr. H 2.0 on Friday. It's almost here and now I'm getting nervous. This year I had my highest FSH reading to date - 19.9 - and I'm worried that it's keeping climbing. What if he looks at my file and tells me "oops so sorry you've waited too long" or he tells me he can't help us? What if he tells us we need to go to donor eggs and I've already turned my cousin down on her offer? What if there's more to our problems than we originally realized?

What if the fucking files don't get to his office in time for the appointment on Friday? I called today and they need 4 days to release them. 4 days?! I have asked them for a rush and am hoping that they'll get off their behinds and take care of it.

Sigh. I know, relax, right.

On another note, I've decided to write a letter to the last clinic and let them know why we have chosen another clinic. I initially did not want to do this, but I need to get it out. So, maybe if I post it here, you could critique it. And, maybe just airing it here will take away my need to send it off.

Here goes nothing:

I am writing to let you know why my husband and I have chosen to seek treatment at a different clinic. This letter has no reflection on the nurses, lab and reception staff as we found all were helpful, friendly and considerate. For the record, I am not leaving your clinic’s care because of my latest failed cycle. If I had received the care that I was looking for the outcome of the cycle would not have mattered.

I was under the impression that Dr.(insert name) was my doctor through this process and was surprised to have a follow up appointment with Dr. (insert name #2). He informed me that all of the doctors care for all of the patients and that there is no specific doctor assigned to each patient. Dealing with infertility is an emotional and often stressful time, not having a specific person that is “in your corner” was a surprise to me and not what I thought I was paying for. It made me feel like my husband and I were there to navigate the medical system on our own and that no one had a vested interest in getting us pregnant, although, obviously there was a financial interest. I am moving to a clinic where I will have dedicated care; there will be one doctor responsible for my file.

Having dealt with sexual abuse in the past, I have never gone to a male doctor for any of my gynecological exams. It was something I knew that I would have to get past as in the fertility field the majority of the doctors are male. I found it very unnerving to go in for ultrasounds and have a new doctor in there doing the ultrasound. Perhaps when you are having a new doctor do ultrasounds you can make sure that he is introduced appropriately to the patients. Saying "this is dr. so and so" doesn’t go a long way to making the patient feel comfortable. This situation was partly my fault as I should have spoken up for myself at the time.

The biggest factor in leaving your practice was the conversation that my husband and I had with Dr. (insert name#2) after our egg retrieval where only one egg had been retrieved. We were talking to him about where we go from here and he decided that it was a good time to tell us that perhaps “it wasn’t in God’s plans” for us to get pregnant. And then proceeded to tell me about a former patient that was in her 40’s that had several failed cycles (I’m 38, had one IUI fail and one IVF fail in a little over a year of being at your clinic) and had given up on fertility treatments. She went on vacation and got pregnant, but at 7 months (or sometime later in the pregnancy) was experiencing chest pains. Went to the doctor to be told she was fine and then died of a blown aortic valve which was missed because of the baby blocking the view. This story was completely inappropriate and insensitive. Both my husband and I were in shock and did not know how to react to what we had just been told.

I did not appreciate feeling like I was in a factory moving through the line and forking out thousands of dollars for a lecture on what may or may not be in God’s plans for me. We have set realistic boundaries on what we are willing to do, what to put ourselves through to try and achieve our dream. We are going to fight to get pregnant and we are going to make sure we have someone with us who is firmly in our corner.

That's it. I don't know how to end it. Thoughts?

My Horoscope

Aries (March 21 — April 20)

It's hard to believe all the changes about to come your way. A dream that you dearly yearn to turn into reality continues to remain elusive. You must not allow doubt. An amazing success is within reach.

All' Quiet, yada, yada, yad

Is all's even a word? Anyway, nothing much happening here. I'm in the one week countdown to my new RE appointment. Woohoo. I have to go to my old clinic to get my files. So weird, I contacted the clinic and asked them to request my files. They said that they can't do that until after I've been seen by them, but that they always need the files at the initial consultation. Huh? Their circular argument doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but it looks like I have to talk to those people again. Blah.

I am on CD23, which means it *looks* like i'm having a normal period after the failed IVF. Seriously, that IVF feels like it happened so long ago, like months ago. I feel like I survived a war and I'm almost to the point where I can look back on the time with a kind of fondness without vividly recalling all of the horridness and pain.

That's all I've got for today. Hope you have a great weekend!

Deep thoughts

I was on one of the message boards that I frequent today and read a post about a woman who had been married for a while and her husband told her he doesn’t want kids ever. They’d had the talk earlier in their relationship and he said he wasn’t sure or he’d say “eventually”, but now he doesn’t want them at all and she does. She was wondering where she goes from here. I don’t know what she should do; for me, it would be a deal breaker.

After reading her post it got me thinking about something my husband has said to me a few times recently. He said that when he thought about finding someone to marry he wanted his wife to want kids, lots of kids. That’s why he was so happy that we both really wanted kids and he was happy and excited when we started trying.

It’s a total mindfuck that we both want something so much and both waited for that right person to come along only to have such difficulty getting pregnant. I wonder, if he knew then what he knows now if he would have got involved with me. It’s not him that’s broken, it’s me. It’s my body that decided to go into hyper drive and have my ovaries age at warp speed. Sigh.

Getting Older Sucks

I had my yearly physical today, I love my doctor, she's awesome! I had 4 vials of blood taken, a pap and a breast exam. Oh and I have borderline high blood pressure - it's still in the normal range, but it's on the cusp of being serious. I also have a referral for a colonoscopy, a request for a cardiogram, and a requisition for blood and urine to be taken. Oh and I got a referral to the new clinic I'm going to in May. This means no $250 fee for the appointment.

But seriously, back to the title of this post, getting old sucks. A colonoscopy?! A cardiogram?! How old am I? I am doing the colonoscopy because I have colon cancer in my family (my grandfather died of it) and I also have several family members with diverticulitis. I'm worried that I could have it. I don't really need the procedure for another couple of years, but I'd rather get tested sooner than later. And, because I'm currently not pregnant (well, not that I know of) it's best to do it now.
The cardiogram is to check my heart because of the blood pressure situation. And, the urine test is to make sure I'm not 'throwing protein' whatever that means. The other blood test on top of the fasting blood tests I did this morning, is to check my vitamin D levels. Apparently, most Canadians are vitamin D deficient and vitamin D is an important one. I started taking it about a month ago. Look how smart I am!

I am starting the DA.SH diet and a workout regime to hurry along my weightloss. I do not want to be put on blood pressure meds.

I am happy that I went in for my physical. I never do it on a regular basis and I really want to start taking better care of myself.

Oh and I thought I was 5'10.5" - turns out I'm 5'11". Look at me, still growing.

A Beautiful Offer

On Friday night, when I got home from work I had received a message on Fac.e.book from my cousin. She was emailing to say that she had heard about the IVF not working and offering her support. She said that she loved me and wanted to do whatever she could to help me and wanted to offer to donate her eggs so that H. and I could have a child. I was literally struck speechless and immediately started crying. What a truly loving and selfless gift. I am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life.

H. and I don’t know what we want to do if we ever get to the point of not using my eggs. We’ve talked and we don’t really want to use DE or adopt. Who knows what we’d do if we reach that fork in the road.

I basically told her that we’re not going that route, but that I was so incredibly touched, and humbled, that she would make the offer.

The more I think about it the weirder it seems to me. Essentially, my child would really be half my cousin’s and half my husband’s. The child would be raised in the family knowing that I would be its mother, but that its bio-mom was my cousin.

I don’t know if I am open minded enough for that.

This just reminds me that there is a benefit to this struggle that H and I are slugging out - we are continually reminded of how much we’re loved and cared for. I have been able to see compassion and caring from virtual strangers; to see the community that has been built around infertility and the strength that women have. I have had my faith in people continually restored. In this form, infertility has been gift.

Thank-you

I was so worried about yesterday’s post, I was even contemplating removing it, but I got a few very supportive comments and have decided to leave it as is. Thank-you for your support and non-judgment; I have been my own worst critic for years and by putting that out in the world I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I was going to get.

Hopefully, by being open about things I’ll be able to finally move past it. I’ll never forget, but I think it’s time to forgive myself.

Picking up the Pieces

On a completely different topic, I got 83% in my latest class as I continue towards my B of Ed in Adult Ed. I have one more Adult Ed course that starts on April 25th and one elective to take and then I will finally have my degree. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This last course I took was a struggle. I hated every moment of it. Dealing with a failed IVF, a computer dying, our cable/internet line being severed, as well as my FIL losing his companion suddenly, all made it even more difficult to get through. But, I persevered and got all of my assignments and reading completed. The reading was extremely heavy and I absolutely detested one of the books – so you can imagine how easy it was to get through!

I think I’m ready to share my back story with you. I can’t carry the shame with me anymore and it may give you some insight as to what has made me who I am. Big deep breath… here goes nothing.

I have never had a lot of self-confidence… always thought I was fat, always was extremely shy. Never had a boyfriend in high school. My dad told me I intimidated boys. I was 5’10, 145lbs, blue eyes, brown hair, athletic and smart. I look back and wish I could have seen the girl that I now see. In university I started to come out of my shell, met people, had my first real boyfriend (albeit short lived). I was a virgin. In between first and second year, during the summer I went out with a friend and got really, really drunk. Met her boyfriend’s friend and thought he was cute. One thing led to another and I thought to myself how sick I was of saying no, I just wanted to get it over with. So, we had sex… he pulled out before finishing the deal.

It was awful. I felt awful and just wanted to forget about the whole ordeal. Unfortunately, there were other plans for me. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I ended that pregnancy on my parents’ anniversary the first week of second year. I went by myself, I told very few people. It was the worst time of my life. Worse than being molested in grade two, worse than having my uncle hit on me when I was 16. It changed me forever. I would be in class and relive the experience, hearing the noises I heard during the procedure. It haunted me. I don’t know how I did it, but I passed all of my classes in 2nd year. Then I moved out west to work at a resort. I ran away, trying to escape. I got pretty heavily into recreational drugs and spent a year partying my life away.

After about a year, I made my way home and have slowly put the pieces of my life back together. I am so ashamed of myself for letting myself get into that mess. I feel so incredibly sorry for that girl, crying on her parents’ bedroom floor after getting the call that indeed the test was positive. I hate that I was forced to make the decision that I did. It was 100% the right decision for me at the time. I am so thankful that the choice was mine and legal and that it was free. However, now that I am an infertile woman it is incredibly hard for me not to think that I am being punished for that earlier decision.

By finishing my degree, I am taking steps to get back in full control of my life, to pick up the final pieces that fell away 18 years ago.

**I had never intended to write about this experience and I am not opening the topic up for debate. Which is why I never used the actual term, I do not want anyone googling it and finding my blog.**

Shared Emotions

I was reading a friend's blog about running into an IF sister at a neighbourhood get together. It made me reflect on a party at my Mom's house earlier in the week. It was one of those tupperware-ish parties - all women. All women who know about the recent failed IVF and are women who have watched me grow up and love me. So, I put a rule in place that I would go, but I didn't want to talk about it.

The first person I saw was an Aunt, she gave me a big hug and had tears in her eyes, but god bless her, didn't say a word. It got easier after that.

At the end of the night, most of the women had gone and I was saying goodnight to a different Aunt (my Mom has 5 sisters)and somehow I brought up the IVF. I talked to my Aunt about the woman from my previous post and how I just know there's no plan or "meant to be" when it comes to being a Mom... 'cause if there was I would be the Mom not that crazy cocaine lady. Then she brought up her own tragedy, long ago forgotten by me. She lost her baby boy at 7 months pregnant. She had done everything right and taken care of herself (she's a nurse practitioner). She was in the maternity ward grieving the loss of her son while in the next bed was the "town bike" who had just given birth and was hopping out of bed every hour to go have a smoke.

My aunt and I shared a moment of our misery, each separate, but essentially the same. She got it and that's what I needed in that moment. No hugs, no tears, just a shared look that said we both understood.

Today

I got my period this morning; I think getting the negative beta, stopping progesterone and waiting for my period is just cruel. You should get your period as soon as the beta is negative (in a perfect world there would be no negative betas.)

I am hurting emotionally, having periodic crying jags. I can’t even explain why I’m crying, a thought comes into my head or I see something on tv and off I go. I am not this weak person and I do not know how to handle this. H. tells me I don’t talk about anything, that I just want to handle things on my own and that it makes it really difficult on him. I’m trying, but then it just sounds like whining.

Because logically, I realize that not being about to have children is not the end of the world. I’m still breathing and healthy and have family/friends/husband/dogs that love me. It just is so damn unfair. There was a woman that was arrested recently for giving her 2 year old cocaine. Apparently, she was giving the child cocaine from the time the baby was an infant so that the baby was more manageable. The child now has brain damage… oh and it also has 3 untreated broken ribs and an untreated broken arm. What the fuck! That fucking excuse for a human being can have a baby and I can’t. We can’t! The injustice is unbearable at times. Sigh. And yet, I keep going, keep holding my head up and hoping.

Moving On

Things are better today. I woke up this morning and the first thought through my head was “I’m not pregnant”. Then I rolled over and felt like staying in bed all day. Instead I forced myself up and into the shower and decided to face the world head on. I’m sad of course, but I have to keep moving. H. and I are in a slightly better place today than we were yesterday. We come at things so differently that it can be difficult at times. He needs to talk things out immediately, while I just need to be held and given some time to mull things over.

He did eventually give me the hug that I needed and that was the opening to some dialogue about where we go from here. We talked a little about donor eggs and adoption. Neither one feels right to us. Donor eggs, for us, seem a little weird and the procedure has a lot of the same pitfalls of adoption. We know that the child will eventually want to know where they came from, who their biological parent(s) are, what they look like, etc. We don’t feel that we could deal with that. It’s a personal preference that I am not open to debating.

I told H that I’m pretty sure that I want to change clinics. The biggest reason is that I did not feel that the protocol that I was on was appropriate or aggressive enough for my situation. I questioned the approach used by the REs at my current clinic and they weren’t willing to change their approach. Another reason I do not want to go back to that clinic is because of Dr. C’s lecture on God’s plan after my crappy egg retrieval. Also, they don’t assign a particular dr. to anyone’s case so every time you go in you could potentially end up with a different doctor. The ultrasounds were another fun surprise – even one where it was a new Dr and he didn’t introduce himself. I didn’t feel that the protocol used was designed specifically for me; it was more like I was a square peg being forced into a round hole. All of these things have built up to the point where I want a new dedicated Dr. and a change of scenery.

I have actually emailed a new clinic to see when they can fit me in. I hope I hear from them soon as I’ve heard nothing but great things about Dr. H.

It didn't work

BFN. Don't know where we go from here. Instead of making us stronger as a couple it has kind of turned us on each other. Don't know how to move on, we can't afford another IVF. I don't really want to go to that clinic any more.

I may not be around for a while. Got to lick my wounds.

4 more days

Thanks for your thoughts! I am going to work from home on Monday. That way I don’t have to take a sick/vacation day, but I still get some privacy when I get the call.

I’m feeling a little worried because I don’t have any symptoms. I’m not bloated, my boobs don’t hurt etc. In the afternoons, I have been getting tired, sore eyes and headaches. I just realized it’s probably because I quit coffee cold turkey so I don’t get the caffeine in my system in the morning. I am trying not to over-analyze, but seriously my first waking thought is whether or not I’m pregnant. H. has been pretty good about it, but I think he’s a little sick of hearing my complaints.

4 more days to go.

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping

This week is moving at a snail’s pace. It doesn’t help that I’m not busy at all at work right now. Thank gawd for my course – it’s my last week, so I have that to focus on. I have a few assignments that need to be sent in. Sigh.

I’m not feeling very hopeful today. Well, to be honest, I just fluctuate back and forth between maybe I am, maybe I’m not. If one more person tells me to stay positive I’m going to scream. If I could mentally make myself pregnant – I would be by now.

I even considered (briefly) POAS… but, I just can’t bear to see a negative right now. So, I’ll wait and wait and wait until Monday.

So, here’s where I turn to you for some advice. Should I take Monday off work and receive “the call” at home? Or is it better to be at work where there are distractions?

One Week Down

I’m one week into my two week wait. It’s been fairly easy so far. Of course I’ve questioned little twinges here and there, but for the most part I’ve been able to ignore all of that stuff. The progesterone is making me tired, and have really sore boobs. I’m on 600mg (200mg 3x’s per day) of progesterone for the first time and it kind of kicks my butt. Keep on going little embryo that could!

Not much else is going on. H. is really trying to help me stay stress free and he’s helping me around the house. We both have a lot riding on this. Not much else to report. I’m not sure when I’ll be posting again.

To those who are reading, thanks for the comments they have really helped me along this road!

Hurdles

It’s funny, H. and I have the same outlook on the whole IVF process and we didn’t really sit down and discuss it at any point. We both see it as a series of hurdles to get past. So far, the hurdles that we have passed are – 1. Wait for lower FSH – 6.7, 2. found a cyst on CD3 ultrasound, 3. Shrunk the cyst, 4. did injectibles, 5. did trigger shot, 6. had egg retrieval, 7. egg fertilized and survived the night, 8. embryo continued to grow, survived another night, 9. embryo was ready for transfer, 10. transfer occurred. The next hurdle will be Beta, I’m not thinking beyond that. H. and I are being positive and hopeful. We talked about being very cautious and not getting our hopes up, but we realized that either way if it doesn’t work we’re going to be disappointed. We might as well be positive along the way.

Transfer is completed

Transfer was today. The lab said it was a beautiful embryo – 8 cell grade 2. They also did assisted hatching so that it will be easier for the embryo to hatch. I felt like everybody was cheering for us. Such a different experience than it was at the retrieval. I did acupuncture before and after the transfer, we bought a pineapple and I’m eating that, and after the transfer and acupuncture we went to Bur.ger King and had a greasy meal.

The best part of the transfer was watching the ultrasound screen and seeing the embryo being injected into my uterus. It was exactly like other people have described – like a shooting star. It’s not actually the embryo you see, but the liquid the embryo is in.

We’re calling this embryo – the little embryo that could – and we’re praying that this embryo will become our healthy child in 9 months or so.

Beta is in two weeks.

Transfer is a go for tomorrow.

Transfer is a go for tomorrow. Received another call from the happy lab man. He said everything's on track - it's 4 cell.

It fertilized.

It fertilized. Thank the Lord!

I got the call from a guy at the lab (embryologist?) and he was so happy to deliver the good news. I was very happy to receive it.

Egg Retrieval

Had my egg retrieval on Friday; I was able to get a pretty good night’s sleep and was up bright and early Friday morning. We got to the clinic for 7am, where we were met by our nurse and brought back to the procedure area to get changed. H. was with me every step of the way. They took my blood pressure and gave me an ativan, and then they put my IV in. Luckily, they didn’t have any trouble finding a vein. They pushed some other meds through my IV and it was time for egg retrieval.

It was a very intimidating process. Everyone standing in their scrubs; I couldn’t see their faces and I didn’t know the doctor that was going to do my retrieval. I’m not going to lie; it hurt. I only had 3 follicles – I can’t imagine what it’s like for people who have several. The meds didn’t work – I didn’t feel stoned at all, they had promised me I would feel very stoned. My left ovary was not cooperative and kept bouncing away every time the doctor tried to aspirate the follicle. It was so incredibly painful. In all he only got the two follicles on my right ovary; out of those two follicles they only got one egg. I was devastated and disappointed and was crying on the table.

Afterwards, I just wanted to leave; I only stayed in post-op for about 45 minutes. Then we met with the doctor for awhile to discuss the concerns that I’d had. He then went on to tell me about how he believes there’s a plan for everything. He told me a story about a woman who had finally given up on treatment because she’d been unsuccessful after many years and many failed IVFs. She went on vacation with her husband and got pregnant on her own. She then died of a burst aortic valve because when she’d complained of not feeling well, the baby blocked the valve on the ultrasound. Hmm. Not exactly the story that you need to hear after a crappy egg retrieval.

Long story short – we got one egg.

Trigger Shot

I was dreading doing the trigger shot. I've heard so many times about how it stings and I'm just a big suck when it comes to any kind of pain. So, I searched around the 'nets and eventually found a small piece of advice hidden in a message board. I follow said advice and there was no sting. Nothing. In fact, it was so pain free I had to check to make sure I'd actually injected the HCG and not the saline.

As a PSA, I will pass this tip on to you. Mix the saline with the powder about 15 to 20 minutes before you're going to inject it. Roll the vial between your hands to mix and dissolve the mixture. Then let it sit there until you're ready to give yourself the trigger. This extra time will allow the powder to dissolve even more... presto no stinging or minimal stinging.

About 2 or 3 minutes after I gave myself the shot in my belly, the injection site got red and splotchy and incredibly itchy. It was like that for about half an hour or so and then slowly dissipated as the night went on.

Yet another hurdle has been met and passed.

Next up ER. By this time tomorrow it will be done.

CD 11 Update

Not a very creative title, but accurate.

Went in again today for blood work and ultrasound. My RE was excited to see that he knows exactly where my ovaries are without having to look around because he’s seen me so frequently. Whatever. Left 1.12 (no longer in play, Right 1.8 and 1.9. Trigger tonight and retrieval is Friday morning.

This time I’m not taking Ovidrel – I don’t believe that it worked for me for my IUI. My RE never confirmed this with me, but I’m taking 10000iu of Chorionic Gonadtropin. I guess that tells you how well the Ovidrel worked. You have to mix this stuff and I’m pretty sure it stings.

This all just sucks. I am really trying to stay as positive as I can. H. is so positive and hopeful; I wish I could be in the same frame of mind as him. I am feeling cautious. I really don’t want to get my hopes up. Sigh.

I’m just going to stick with my plan. Take one step at a time and move through this process. I am going to be as positive as I can be. And, then just wait to see what happens.

CD10 Check up

We have 3 follies. Left - 1.4, Right - 1.6 and 1.7 I go back tomorrow for another check up. Who knows I may trigger tomorrow night.

Even though I've been giving myself all of these needles and my belly is black and blue I haven't really allowed myself to think about what the next step is. It hasn't felt real until today. This is really happening. I will be going to ER. I'm not thinking past that. ER is my next hurdle. I just want to get through that.

I'm worried about ER for so many weird and wonderful things... will the sedation make me say stupid things? will the gown fit me? - I'm a big girl, I don't need that embarassment, will it hurt? will I throw up? will it be successful? will there be complications? will there be eggs in the follicles? will the dr. be one I have confidence in? will they treat me nicely? will they treat me with dignity?

H. would tell me to stop worrying, that it can't help anything and will only stress me out. I'll tell you that him telling me that is what stresses me out. I need to think about the possibilities so that I can prepare myself for them in the case that it happens. Sigh. Men really are from Mars.

Name Change

I didn't like my title anymore. It sounds too negative to me - I even had a comment to that affect earlier this year. None in the Oven is no more... now I have Room in my Oven. Hear that universe? There's room in my oven now.

Thoughts?

Day 9 Check up

Well, there are now 3 follies, but it seems like the two that were there already didn’t grow, in fact one is smaller today than it was 2 days ago. Right 1.3 and 1.4, Left 1.1

I go back tomorrow for another check up; they want to make sure my estrogen is rising. It seems it is because my lining went from just under .6 up to .7.

Please, grow little follies grow.

We are doing IVF with ICSI, since according to Dr. Handsome that will give us the best odds for fertilization. He said that their success rate for 40 to 43 year olds (the age of my ovaries) is 40%. I guess that’s good. I really like Dr. Handsome, but I really don’t like the way the clinic is set up. I wish he was the only Dr. that I dealt with. He makes me feel like I’m in good hands and can trust him. The problem is I don’t just see him, I see several different doctors – whomever happens to be on duty at the time that I’m there.

I find it so funny that H. and I were debating what to do with our extra embryos. We’ll have to freeze them, when to use them etc. Wanted to know how much it would cost? What are the odds of success? How long can they be frozen.

Stupid couple, you have high FSH – there will be no extra embies for you.

2

While not the loneliest number, 2 pretty much sucks when you’re talking about follicles. I have two; one on each ovary measure 1.4 each. There are other small follicles, but none that will grow enough to be considered in play for this IVF. So while I felt like I flew over the other hurdles, I just feel like I crashed right through this one. I’m still in the running, but I’m slightly injured.

I was pretty proud of myself. I didn’t cry when the doctor told me and I didn’t take the hint to stop asking questions as he tried to rush me on my way. I stood firm in my paper sheet and asked him question after question not really getting many answers. I had a little cry as I was getting dressed, but then I pulled myself together before I left the room.

We had been considering using ICSI, but he told me that slightly fewer eggs survive when ICSI is used so there is risk associated with it. Also, 5% of eggs that undergo icsi do not fertilize. Since H’s sperm are strong we don’t need to use it so we’re not going to.

I’m on 300 iu of puregon a day, when I asked if this could be upped he told me I’m at the maximum that can be prescribed. I could have sworn I’ve seen people that have been given more. But, he also added that the 2 follies are so far in the lead that even if I upped the meds the other follies would not catch up.

We are going to go the IVF route simply because with IVF at least I know that the sperm will actually meet the egg. With IUI you can’t guarantee that. Also, with IVF I’ll get a chance to see what the quality of my eggs/embryos is. Well, that’s assuming we get to retrieval.

On the bright side, at least there’s no chance of OHSS.

What the hell was that?

Today was my weekly acupuncture appointment, the only difference here was that my lovely acupuncturist/naturopath, Dr. Nice was off on vacation (in sunny Cuba – lucky girl!) so I was in with the perky chiro/acupuncturist that was filling in for her. Have you ever seen a chiro table? It doesn’t look like your normal dr.’s table. It’s ergonomic and fits the shape of the body… that is if you are a teeny tiny person. If you’re someone like me, it’s completely uncomfortable because your feet hang off the end and there are no sides to rest your arms on so they are either folded across your stomach or dangle down towards the floor.

Anyway, I hop (haha, try gingerly move) onto the table and locate the most comfortable position possible (feet hanging off from the table at the lower calf, arms folded at my sides so that my hands are under my bum, head resting on the head rest area that has a crack down the middle). Meanwhile perky girl puts the needles in their allocated spots. This all goes well – no pain, no blood, no tears. Sigh. Then she turns out the lights and leaves the room, closing the door behind her with the chipper words “Relax and enjoy your nap”. I suddenly go into panic mode. I’m lying on some contraption in the dark, with pins sticking in me, being serenaded by some kind of weird Japanese opera while the walls feel like they’re closing in around me. I was {} this close to hopping off the table and running out of the room screaming. I could feel the blood rushing to my head, my chest getting tight and my heart begin to pump pump pump. All the classic signs of a panic attack.

I knew that if I didn’t act quickly I’d have a full-blown attack on my hands and who knows where that would lead. So, I started trying to even out my breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth… big, deep, cleansing breaths. Then, I put myself in my happy place – in a backyard pool floating face up with the hot sun beating down and the small waves lapping against the sides of my face and body. Inch by inch my body started to relax… but, I never quite reached the Zen feeling I normally get from acu.

OK – I just have to say it. I hated it. It was horrible. I can’t believe what a creature of habit I am, but I love Dr. Nice. She’s awesome. And, I love her big squishy table that my feet don’t hang off and my arms don’t dangle from. I love that she dims the lights rather than plunging me into darkness like I’m being punished for something. I can’t help it. I just like what I like and if I had ever been referred to perky girl, despite all of the great things I’d heard about acu prior to starting it, I would NEVER have continued it.

On the plus side, I guess it’s nice to experience something like that so that you find out how much you appreciate the people in your life.

I can’t wait for Dr. Nice to get back.

I'm officially a pin cushion...

Last night, I did my first set of shots to launch us towards IVF. .05 of Suprefact (ETA - Spacey - the Suprefact is for suppression) and 150 iu of Puregon. I some how nicked myself removing the needle for the Puregon and bled for a little bit. I was a little nervous because I hadn’t given myself any shots since last August. I also had a bit of a meltdown because I thought I didn’t have any needles for my puregon pen… my mind was swirling trying to figure out how I was going to give myself the shot without needles. Then I realized that in the box with the cartridge there were not one, but two boxes of needles. Oops. Disaster averted.

This morning’s sticking went much better. I’m almost over the weird sensation of plunging something into my belly. I’m sure by the end of this I’ll be an old pro at shooting up.

And... go.

I was getting a little worried because I still didn't have my period after stopping BCP last Wednesday (March 4), so on Monday(yesterday) I emailed my clinic to let them know and to find out if I should be worried. Well, I got a call back today. I have to start meds tonight. This will be considered my Day 3. They forgot to tell me one important thing... if I didn't have my period within 5 days I should have started the meds. Hmph. So, today is 6 days later, but should be fine.

Wow. This is really happening. And, it starts tonight. I'm excited and a little overwhelmed with things. Trying desparately to manage my hope and expectations. There are so many hurdles to get past. Hurdle #1 was a cycle with a lower FSH., Hurdle #2 shrink cyst, Hurdle #3 - get period to start meds. The next hurdle is how I respond to the meds. I'll find out on Saturday morning at my first check up ultrasound.

On another note, I found out an urban infertile myth can really happen. This blogger, has 3 month old twins (ivf) and has magically found herself pregnant with no intervention. It really does happen! Go by and read her story, wish her well!

The Ball is Rolling

Today was my follow up ultrasound to make sure the cyst had shrunk. I was so happy to find out that they didn’t need to do any blood work! When the called my name, I hopped up, entered the room and dropped trow. After mere moments of waiting, nude from the waist down (well wrapped in one of those crappy paper sheets that doesn’t quite close around my massive hips) I was called into the room. Dr. HMHMM was there – I didn’t quite catch his name last time – waiting with his magic wand. Lining .5, cyst down to .9 and wonder of all wonders I had 4 or 5 follicles on each ovary. I almost did a back flip off the edge of the examining table – darn foot rests were in the way.

So, here’s the deal. Stop taking BCP and wait for period. On CD3 start 150 iu of Puregon twice per day, .05 Suprefact each morning. Do that for 5 days and then go in for an ultrasound to see how we’re doing. If my calculations are right, my Beta will be scheduled around my birthday (April 5th-ish).

Wow.

Why is this Carpet Wet?

About a month ago after the mounds of snow surrounding our house started melting my father in law came upstairs (he lives in an apartment in our basement) and said that the carpet was wet downstairs. Our basement was leaking. Well, as soon as a deep freeze came back through the leaking stopped so we ignored it. Then this morning it started raining and the snow started melting and... well you guessed it... more water, more wet carpet. The problem is Serious. So, I put out a few alarm bells and my Aunt came to my rescue. She sent her contractor Leo to my house. Yay for Leo!

There's a lot that needs to be done to our house, but for now we're just going to fix the leak. He gave us a great price - which makes me very happy. And, on Tuesday he'll send his guys to fix things up.

I am breathing a sigh of relief. I feel like I can trust this guy.

Aaaaah. Now I just have to wait for the load of towels to dry so I can go back downstairs and attack that wet carpet.

CD2 BW & Ultrasound

Today was my CD2 blood work and ultrasound for a possible IVF cycle. Today was a better day than the last time I thought I was starting a cycle. I didn’t close the car door on my leg this time – that’s a huge improvement. I got there late and was called in by around 9:05 for my blood work. It took 2 people and 3 punctures to get any blood.

The first person punctured my arm - no blood, punctured my hand - no blood, had to call in a 3rd person- 3rd puncture - success! Then went in for my ultrasound - there were 3 big droplets of blood on the floor of the change room. I know it's just menstrual blood and it's to be expected, but someone get a mop and clean that shit up! Nobody wants to look at that.

So, I go into the room for my ultrasound and hop on the table. There are two Dr.’s in there – Dr. B and some other guy who introduces himself but I don’t really catch his name. He’s the lucky one who gets to do the ultrasound. It starts off great – “well, you’ve got some follicles” – then oh, but they’re kind of big… oh you have a cyst. Fuck. I had a feeling that’s the way things would turn out. I didn’t ovulate last month so of course I get a cyst to add to my troubles. Anyway, they check out both ovaries and my lining (.6 for those of you keeping track) and send me on my way. I’m to take BCP for a week and then come back and they’ll check to see if the cyst has shrunk any. Then we’ll go from there.

Now here’s the thing. I couldn’t get an answer about my FSH – if it’s still high what will we do this month – do I still go ahead with the IVF? Will it be cancelled for another month? When I asked Dr. B said something about the BCP inhibiting my FSH so does that mean it’s like an estrogen priming protocol?

I guess I just wait for the call and see what they say.

ETA - I called them - FSH 6.7, Estrogen 172 (in Canada unde 200 is good - so it's an OK number) - I can't get over how much FSH can fluctuate. Crazy.

Smile, though your heart is breaking

I can so relate to these song lyrics.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

For your listening pleasure Smile

Got AF today, blood work on Friday will tell us if we're off to IVF.

Dedicated to all of my sisters in this struggle.

My Dog Ate my Thermometer - Again.

My dog ate my thermometer again – actually for the third time now. I leave it out on my nightstand because if I put it away I know it will be out of sight out of mind. I also know that my dog (the chocolate lab) loves to chew all things plastic… so I should know better. Part of me thinks I should just take it as a sign that I shouldn’t be taking my temperature any more; the more practical side sees it as a dog doing what I know he will do.

I haven’t run out and replaced it for a couple of reasons. 1. My temp was all over the place and I was so obviously not ovulating that I don’t really care to see my temps right now. I’m just waiting for AF to show so that I can get to CD3 to have my blood work and find out if I’m going to do IVF. 2. If my next course of action is IVF, I don’t really need to temp any more so don’t really need that thermometer.

I think I’ve settled in to a state of acceptance. We’re not going to get pregnant naturally so we need a little help – we may need a hell of a lot of help, but it is what it is. I believe that we’ll be parents. It surprises me how much I believe it at times. But, that’s been one pretty constant belief I’ve had the whole time. We will have at least one healthy baby to take home with us of that I’m sure.

A Good Day

Just a quick note about the new Dr. C., I like him very much. He called me today to confirm some information about my TSH level and how the thyroid affects fertility. He then went on to talk to me about how I had follicles and that was promising. That he thinks my FSH will come down and we’ll be able to do an IVF cycle. He also said that he’s looking forward to seeing my blood work next cycle because I won’t be on any progesterone or Chinese herbs so he’ll be able to get a truer look at what’s going on with me.

He ended the conversation by saying that he feels very optimistic about me getting a chance at IVF and the ensuing outcomes. I could tell that he was holding himself back from saying that I’ll get pregnant… he’s not in the position to say that and he doesn’t want to give me false hope. But I love his enthusiasm.

It’s nice to know I’ve got someone on my side; it’s really the first time I’ve felt this way at my clinic. Don’t get me wrong, I like Dr. B. It’s just that he’s a little on the quiet side and a little tougher to get an opinion from.

Today has been a good day.

Review Appointment Wrap Up

Had my review appointment with my RE today. Well at least I thought it was supposed to be with my RE – Dr. B. When I got there promptly at 12:10 for my 12:30 appointment I was informed that I wasn’t meeting with Dr. B, I was meeting with new Dr. C. Hmph. I wasn’t too happy about that. I mean Dr. B is the guy who’s going to be doing my IVF/IUI he’s the person I want to talk to because I want to get his feeling on dealing with someone with high FSH.

Got into the appointment and ask Dr. C. what was going on. Turns out that although I’ve seen Dr. B each time I’ve been to the clinic it was just a coincidence. At my clinic no one is assigned a specific dr.; there are 3 doctors and 2 fellows that are dedicated to all of the clients… yada yada yada. The good thing was that Dr. C had read my file and was familiar with what was going on with me. I didn’t have to fill him in on everything that had gone on with me which was great.

We had a very frank discussion about my FSH, my odds of getting pregnant naturally (less than 5%), with IUI (8 to 10%) and with IVF (not much better than IUI). We discussed the vitamins that I’m taking as well as the Chinese herbs. Dr. C, while Chinese, is not a big fan of Chinese medicine; he told me not to take them anymore. I don’t know if that’s something I’m willing to do. I’ll have to give it a lot of thought.

ETA: He likened your eggs in your 20s to be white shiny glowing eggs, apparentlymy eggs now are brown and cracked with possibly some hidden gems.

I asked if my weight was a factor in my FSH – he said that it is, but only marginally. Obviously, pregnancy will be much easier at a lower weight, but my FSH will come down only slightly (maybe not even noticeably). Even if it means that I just put myself in a better place, I’m going to do it. Well, since the beginning of December I’m down 8.5lbs… just got to keep it going.

So what, I bet you’re wondering if you’re still reading, is the plan of attack. Well, I am going to go in on my next day 3 and get blood work and ultrasound done. They’ll check my FSH and resting follies and we’ll go from there. If it’s under 15 (the FSH that is) I will be on the road to my first IVF. This may be downgraded to an IUI if I don’t respond as desired.

Dr. C brought up the dreaded stress as a reason that FSH can be elevated… he stopped well short of telling me to relax (lucky for him). He also told me a story about a woman with an FSH of 40 who had been told by her clinic not to come back. She went on vacation and got pregnant. Yes, the Dr. basically told me to relax and maybe a vacation would work. I chose to ignore this line of thinking.

My husband on the other hand, gave this some thought. He decided he wants to help with my stress. He said that #1 on my list is probably our fights and the way he yells. He’s not abusive physically nor verbally, but he’s loud and expressive. I’m not. I retreat. I find it very difficult to deal with. So, he’s going to try and change that. Hallelujah! That is a big cause of my stress. He also said that when my benefits for acupuncture/naturopath run out that he’s going to help me out more. Yay!

Some really good things came out of this meeting today. The best part was when the Dr. told us that we should be positive, that we have a real chance of getting pregnant. I was so afraid that they were going to tell us to prepare for the worst.

I did get an abbreviated donor eggs talk though. But, it was when I brought up the question of what if the IUI/IVF this year works and we want to get pregnant later how long do I have from a fertility stand point. That’s when I got the donor egg talk. I still don’t know how I feel about that, but will cross that bridge if we come to it.

I know this is turning into a book, but I just want to share the sweetest offer H. made today. After we left the Dr.’s office H. asked me if I wanted him to freeze his sperm. I said I didn’t think it was necessary- there’s no reason to think that his sperm is going to deteriorate. Well, he then went on to say that if he froze his sperm and something happened to him, then I could still have a baby. His baby. I thought that was incredibly sweet.

Review Appointment

I called my clinic and set up an appointment to review my case with the Dr. I want to ask a ton of questions about what's going on with me, what our odds of success are, what the best protocol would be etc etc. I'm going to be bringing a lot of kleenex with me as I'm sure it's going to be an emotional meeting.

I kind of just want to bury my head in the sand, but I know that knowledge is power. So, I'm going to tough it out. High FSH is a real kick in the head because there's really nothing you can do for it. I'm doing acupuncture and thought that was really helping. It makes me feel better and helps me with my stress so it may not be helping the FSH, but it is helping me.

My naturopath suggested that I change doctors. There's one Dr. H that everyone raves about and she has nothing but good things to say about him. I think that I'll have a listen to what Dr. B has to say and make a judgement from there.

I also think that if IVF is the way we have to go and that we're going to spend all of that money, then I want to look at all of our options including possibly going to one of the clinics in the States that specialize in high FSH (e.g., Coopers).

I find this article worrisome. It talks about fertility clinic's lack of concern about the potential baby's potential future. Or, in other words, the "fitness" of the infertile requesting treatment as a parent.

Any person with the ability to procreate can do so without any license, courses or background checks. But, should you require assistance in getting pg, then what? Is it ok to have background checks like those necessary to adopt? Should fertility clinics be able to turn aside potential parents because of their background, financial status or emotional state?

I can understand why the question is being asked (a woman with 6 children already, no job, no means of support, has 8 more via ivf), but I fear giving this much power to the doctors. There is already such a "god-complex" amongst this group that I am cautious about giving even more power to them.

On another note, how did that women afford to have IVF 7 times? She's also got a university degree and is doing her masters... where is she getting this money? And, how do I get on that gravy train?

So That Wasn’t Good News

I went to the clinic yesterday for Day 3 blood work and ultrasound. Had a few small follies – think the largest was .6 and as I found out this morning an FSH of 20. That’ right 20. So, I’m basically fucked. The IUI for this month is cancelled. H. and I are considering moving straight to IVF. We do not have any coverage for this and aren’t sure how we’re going to come up with the money, but if it increases our chances of getting pg then that’s what we’re going to do.

H. doesn’t understand why I’m so sad. He doesn’t understand that I’m mourning the chance to get pregnant naturally, spontaneously – to do what millions of women do every day. I know there is still a good chance of getting pregnant via IVF; I’m still disappointed that we can’t do it ourselves. My body has betrayed me. I feel like a failure. H. thinks that I should be happy because we have options. I am thankful that there are options, but I am not happy that I have to use them.

I think I’ll take me and my old eggs out for a few drinks. I’ve been “good” lately. Not overdoing things, not drinking – just to make things optimal. Optimal – shmoptimal. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I do.

The scary thing is that we can’t really afford IVF – what if it doesn’t work. What then?

Feeling Blue

I’m such a loser. I get my hopes up every time and every time I am disappointed. Due to the recent chemical pregnancies (that I now believe can’t possibly have happened because my body just doesn’t get pregnant – chemically or otherwise) at the recommendation of my naturopath I took progesterone supplements during my luteal phase. Well of course, this month my body decided to act all whacky. I had a huge temp drop on CD11 (my usual ovulation time) but then I didn’t have the rise that usually follows. I eventually did O on CD16. The amount of sex that we had was insane and not that great quality towards the end as I’m sure you can understand.

I’ve been on the progesterone, but my temp dropped yesterday and went back up today. But, today was 14DPO – test day. I hate taking the tests because I know I’m just going to be disappointed. So, last night after FIL’s girlfriend’s funeral we stopped at a Shop.pers Drug.mart so I could buy a test. To add insult to injury, the tests were behind the pharmacy counter and I had to ask a pharmacist to get me the test. WTF?! I have never seen HPTs kept behind the pharmacy counter. I decided to go with the FRER digital because I had never used that type so it remained untainted in my brain.

Got up this morning with FMU – peed and after 3 minutes it said –NO. There were no tears, no moaning about it just not being fair. Just a small sigh, and the onset of a blue mood. Of course I’m not fucking pregnant.

Tonight I stop the progesterone and tomorrow or Sunday I’ll get my period, call in Day 1 to the clinic and we’ll move down the road to IUI#2. Can’t wait to become a pin cushion again.

I wanted to post about this all week and let it out… but I feared that I would jinx myself. Ha. What’s there to jinx? The outcome actually has to have a possibility of coming true in order to be jinxed.

I already feel like the IUI is not going to work. I hate being this negative, but I just feel like it’s never going to happen. I look at H and think he’s never going to be a father and it’s my fault. My stupid fucking body decided it was old before it’s time. I have no idea why this happened… the doctors have no idea why this happened. I just feel like I have missed my chance.

Well That Sucked

Not a fan of Bri.de W.ars, really really did not like that movie. It had its moments, and the potential was there for it to be a good movie, but it really fell short of that.

We went to that 50's inspired diner - loved the atmosphere, but it was a total rip off. Almost $8 for a burger... you read that correctly. You don't get any sides with it. We ordered onion rings and they were considered an appetizer. So, you get the onion rings, eat them and then 15 minutes later you get your burger. $11 bucks total for a crappy burger and so-so onion rings.

The high point of the evening was getting to spend some time with the girls. It's always great to see them.

I think one of the main reasons I didn't like this movie was that I wasn't their target audience. I wasn't one of those little girls that dreamed about her wedding day and had it all planned out, just waiting to insert the man of my dreams into my plans.

SPOILER ALERT:

As a fertility challenged woman, I really didn't appreciate the ending - where they're both spontaneaously pregnant and due on the same day. Barf!

Movie Talk

I haven’t been posting a lot here because I don’t really have a lot to say. One day is pretty much the same as the next as far as IF stuff goes. We’re (I’m) readying ourselves for another IUI with inject. but there’s still a while before that happens. I was talking with my naturopath today and she was saying that my cycles today are completely different than a year ago when I started seeing her. I hope that means good things will happen this year.

On a completely different note, we saw The Wre.stler on Friday night. I’m still not sure exactly how I felt about it. I did like the movie and Mickey Ro.urke is great in it as is Mar.isa To.mei (although I didn’t quite expect all of the nudity). It’s pretty depressing. I was a big wrestling fan back in the 80’s and he has the mannerisms down to a ‘t’. There were a couple parts that H. and I thought were funny, but we were the only ones in the theatre laughing. That reminds me… when we go to the theatre it was packed! There were people everywhere and announcements were made over the P.A. that some move was sold out or it was front row seating only. I thought, “Crap! We’re not going to get in or we’re going to have to be all jammed in”. Then I listened more closely to the announcement – that Mall Cop movie was the one that sold out. There were about 50 people in our 300 seat theatre watching our movie. What does that say about our society?! Mall Cop – really?!?

All this movie talk reminds me that tonight I’m going out with the girls to a 50’s inspired diner for dinner followed by a movie. We’re going to see Brid.e War.s . I’m not really keen on the idea – it looks like a rental at best, but I’m not going to be the one who complains so brid.e war.s it is. I’ll let you know how it is.

Nominate a hero

I saw a Nominate your hero link on a news website today and I got to thinking about who I would nominate as my hero. I think it would have to be my Mom. Not because she did anything out of the ordinary, but because what she did was so steadfast and ordinary. She’s just always been there for me. For support and love and guidance and a few stern words when necessary. She worked full time out of the home and full-time in the home. We never had packaged foods – all of our meals were made from scratch even after working a full day in the office. We never had white bread or margarine. I don’t think I had a slice of Won.der bread until I was in my 20’s. She showed me what it means to be an independent woman after being brought up in a low-income home that held some violence. She told me once that when she and my Dad got together that she said “If you ever hit me, you better hit me hard and make it count because you’ll never get the chance again.” She was 23 when she had me and I was a surprise. She never made me feel unwanted or regretted the choices that she made, but she always let me know that there are choices for me. When I’m in the kitchen cooking, I notice how I hold the spoon the same way or dice vegetables just like she did. I put my makeup on the same way I saw here putting on hers. I notice how we have the same hands, and we have the same expressions. Everyone seems to worry about growing up to be like their mother. Of course there are some things that I don’t want to continue, but for the most part if I grow into being like her (even more) I am pretty ok with that.

I Just Can't Help Myself

I post on a message board pretty regularly and have recently discovered that I know one of the women in “real” life. She’s talking about TTC and she’s on her first month of actually trying. I find that I am totally addicted to reading her posts to find out where she is in her cycle, what’s happening etc. She is much younger than me; I’m talking 10 to 12 years younger. So of course she’s going to get pregnant right away. It’s kind of like watching a car wreck. I just can’t stop myself from looking.

To add to this, my cycle’s all weird. It looked like my body geared up to O on CD12. I had tons of EWCM, a big drop in temperature, and then a temp rise of .3 degrees – so I’m thinking here we go. Well, I still have some EWCM, my cervix is still high, soft and open, and my temps have flat lined. No crosshairs on FF – looks like my body is still trying to O on CD 15. I have those handy-dandy progesterone suppositories just sitting there taunting me, waiting for me to O. I have no idea what’s going on with my body. Another little mindfuck from the fertility gods.

My Rainbow

I got this idea from Get Pregnant.

My rainbow is kind of fugly, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised because yellow is one of my favourite colours. I bet that on a different day in a different mood it would be very different.

Your rainbow is shaded yellow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is says about you: You are a joyful person. You appreciate optimism. You're good at getting people to like you.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Putting Your Foot in It

I think putting your foot in it is a natural part of life. There are those gaffs that we make that the minute they’re out of your mouth you’d like to take back. Today one such thing happened to me… prior to a meeting at work a group of us were sitting around talking. A friend mentioned he had watched Tro.pic Thund.er on the weekend. I loved this movie – very funny and not very p.c. in places. Well, I say to the guy “what did you think of the full retard bit” (like I said the movie is NOT pc). Just as I said it I remembered that his sister has down’s syndrome. Of course, he said that he didn’t like it and I felt like I should crawl into a hole. Open mouth insert foot.

I was sort of on the receiving end of this on the weekend. I was getting my hair done and my hairdresser and I were shooting the shit. We start talking about friends that are pregnant etc. Then she mentions that one of the other hairdresser’s sister in law is infertile and how she’s done the full gamut of things and still hasn’t gotten pregnant. And all she really needs to do is… wait for it…. Relax. Because if she’d just relax there would be such a better chance for her to get pregnant. And, she’d be so much less touchy about the whole subject.

Well off I went. I identified myself as an infertile. Then proceeded to tell my hairdresser to never ever say that to her because it’s the worst thing an infertile can be told. Then I went on a diatribe about how being told to relax implies that your fertility is something that you can control and the next thing that’s almost as bad is being told to go on a vacation. Then on to how women are always blamed as being the reason a couple can’t get pregnant and the invasive treatments. And, how it should really start with the man ‘cause if he’s shooting blanks there’s not going to be any point sending them away with a prescription of clo.mid. And on, and on. Then finally I caught myself, I think I stopped mid-sentence and said “Sorry – I just know way too much about this stuff” and changed the subject. The poor girl didn’t know what had hit her.

Guess I was due some of my own today.

I got "that" call

I got the phone call that I’ve been dreading and expecting and looking forward to last night. It was my friend L. calling to tell me that she and her husband are expecting. The baby is due July 7/09. She wanted me to be the first of the group to know because all the girls are getting together tonight and she’s announcing it and she didn’t want me to be blindsided. Very thoughtful. Of course, I said all of the right things and expressed my excitement for her (not very well, I don’t think, but I tried). After I got off the phone, I called H. and cried. He told me it’s ok to cry and that it will be all the more special when we do get pregnant. I love him.

Today, I have absorbed the information. I am truly happy for her and her hubby. She’s had a really tough year. Her mother died suddenly of undiagnosed lung cancer a year to the day prior to when she found out she was pregnant. There’s a certain symmetry to that.

Of course, me being me, I did the math and realized that she got pregnant the same month that I had my first chemical. I would have been due July 20th. We would have been pregnant together. Another dagger in the heart.

But, I’m looking to the future, not looking back.

ETA: Thank-you to those of you who have left comments, for your support. It really does mean the world to me!

Guilt

I went in for my acupuncture appointment today; she took one look at my chart and said “So you were pregnant”. She also said that I need progesterone support. She said this after the first chemical and I did not listen to her. Fuck.

So, as soon as I got back to my office I made a call to my fertility clinic explaining that I’ve had 2 chemicals in 3 cycles and that I believe I need progesterone support. The nurse said that she’d talk to the dr. and if he agrees that I can get it at their office.

“If he agrees”… he better agree or they’re going to have one seriously pissed patient on their hands. I don’t know if this is true everywhere, but in Ontario progesterone is only available via a prescription.

Do I need to detail the guilt that I’m feeling? Potentially, if I had made that call prior to my last cycle I could still be pregnant right now.

I know there are many reasons that chemicals can happen – it could be my eggs, it could be a problem with the embryo etc. So, I’m just going to try to move on from here. Do what I need to do to take care of myself and not look back.

On a side note, I lost half a pound over Christmas. I wasn’t particularly careful, but didn’t go crazy either. I started Wei.ght Wa.tchers yesterday, and so far so good. It’s always so easy to jump in when it’s the beginning; I know that down the road I may need a little support.

Resolutions

I’m slowly moving past the last failed cycle. I keep thinking – was it actually a chemical or is my mind so powerful, the constant wishing for success, that I was able to delay my period. Who knows? If my mind is that powerful, wouldn’t I be pregnant by now?! For whatever reason, it just wasn’t meant to be at this time. So, we keep moving and trying, and get ready for IUI#2 – I’m on cycle 29 and it will take place cycle 30. I’m sure we’ll do the pure.gon again. I don’t see why they’d change my protocol.

Ah, but to the title of my post – Resolutions. I don’t usually have resolutions because I very rarely stick to them. So this year I’ve set out goals for the year rather than specific resolutions. They are, in no particular order:

1. Lose 60lbs by the end of 2009.
2. Finish my university degree.
3. Have a healthy baby (or at least be pregnant so that we’ll end up with a healthy baby in 2010).
4. Pay off a couple of my credit cards.

All of these things, except the baby, are within my control.

I have more than 60lbs to lose, but I felt like that’s a pretty good goal. If I lose 10lbs every two months I’ll be there. It seems really doable to me. I’m going to work out a minimum of 4 times a week and I’m going to watch what I eat. I am considering doing Weig.ht W.atchers because I’ve been successful with it in the past. Whatever I choose it has to be something that I’m going to stick with.

I dropped out of university after my 2nd year and went back a couple of years ago. I’m completing a BofEd in Adult Education. I have 3 more courses to complete it. I know I can do it!!

As to the paying off of the credit cards, both DH and I have rather elaborate spreadsheets that detail our budget (he keeps our joint budget). I have set out a great plan to pay off 2 credit cards this year and by the middle of 2010, if all goes as planned, I should have all of my debt paid off. I feel like a burden has been lifted already with just having the plan in place.

Now I get to the baby. I figure that working towards losing 60lbs will put me in a better situation physically to get pregnant. H. & I will do what we have to do to make this a reality for us. I’ll shoot myself with whatever I need to shoot myself with to give us the best odds. I’m just going to try and think positively. There’s not a lot more that we can do.

It's Over

I'm talking about 2008 and cycle #28. Looks like another chemical. I'll never know for sure because of my aversion for poas, but in my heart I know. This is the thing I had going on. The thing I couldn't bring myself to talk about.

Happy New Year. Hopefully 2009 will be a much better year.

19 DPO

So today is 19DPO – 19 fucking days. And, of course, my temp dropped – below cover line. The end is near. I’m devastated, but trying not to be. Of course, hope is whispering in my ear that I’m not out yet. That, the temp could bounce back tomorrow. I made a mistake last night. I said to H. something about New Years and not wanting to go out because I can’t drink. He asked me why and said, in a really snotty voice, “Because I’m pregnant.” Then, I backtracked and said that I could be pregnant.

I was so hopeful. And, now it’s just so depressing. I keep having this thought in my head, “Start the year as you will continue”. A growing part of me thought I’d be starting the year pregnant. Now, I know I won’t. I don’t want to start the year as I will continue this way – infertile and broken. I actually thought today “Can there really be a God.” How can s/he let this happen to people? Why can’t s/he hear my prayer? What have I done to deserve this?

I do not go to church but I do believe in a higher power. I do believe that there is someone watching out for us. I just don’t understand why I (we, all of us infertile women) am chosen to go through this.

H. wants to go out tonight for New Years because it’s boring to stay home and we always do that… blah blah blah. I don’t want to be around people, I want to howl, scream, punch, yell and sleep. Only in sleep can I really get away from this. Can I just sleep away new years? Sleep away the pain of the last 2 years. It’s officially 2 years of really trying. 2 years of being a member on fertility friend. Because my cycles are so short it’s 28 failed cycles.

There are many good things in my life, but today, I only see what I’m lacking. There’s a part of me that thinks maybe it’s time to take a break. But, I’m 37, 38 in April. I’m getting too old to have children – not for myself but for them. Who wants to be 12 years old and have a 55 year old mom? It needs to happen now/soon. I’m officially just blathering on now. Sorry for the moaning.

Edited to Add: as of 12:25pm we have creamy brown spotting.

Could it be?

This is a log I am keeping for myself, so that I can get all of this wondering out of my head and not jinx myself by sharing it with the world.

I think I’m pregnant. Just typing that scares the hell out of me… ‘cause I don’t want to be wrong.

I’m 18DPO I had spotting on 15DPO. I never spot. I’m worried. My temperature is coming down. I think that this is a chemical pregnancy and I’m terrified to POAS. I don’t want to see a negative, and I don’t want to see a light line. I have no one I can talk to about this. H. just doesn’t get it. He thinks we should just wait and see. He’s not excited or disappointed or worried or anything – he’s just so matter of fact about things and doesn’t see what I’m getting all worked up about.

There’s a part of me that I am desperately trying to control… the one whispering “this could be it”; the one that wants to go crazy with happiness to scream and cheer and jump up and down. I can’t let go of my control because if this is not a pregnancy or it is and it goes south…how will I be able to take it.

These are my symptoms – kind of sore boobs, missed period, shooting cramps in my thighs (mainly left thigh), acute sense of smell (but this is kind of true all of the time), cramps in my lower ab – particularly left side so of course I’m thinking if this is it, then it’s an ectopic. And, after writing that I think well, are they symptoms or am I just reading things into this.

Or, is my body just all fucked up again. I want answers but I’m too chicken shit to try to get them.

So where does that leave me/us. Waiting. Waiting to see if af shows up. Waiting to see if it doesn’t. In the meantime, I’ll try to gather my courage to go and get the answers that I need.

Time to Relax

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. The holidays were crazy busy and I'm just getting back my equillibrium now. I'm dealing with something right now that I want to post about but can't. Over the next couple of days it should play itself out and then I'll be able to talk about it. Right now there are too many things running around my head for me to deal with it.

Christmas was a crazy hectic day, but i was completely spoiled. Loved it!

Merry Christmas!!!!

I'm not religious, in fact I'm agnostic (I believe in a higher power, I just don't have to go to a special building to express it) to me Christmas means love, family, joy, dreams coming true so when I wish you a Merry Christmas - I'm really just wishing you all of those things.

Merry Christmas to all of my friends visiting my little corner of the webosphere. This time of year is not particularly easy nor stress free, but I think we can all muddle through the best we can. No guilt. I'm declaring a guilt free Christmas.

It is ok to feel what we're feeling - normal even. So that doesn't leave room for guilt.

I raise my glass of Christmas cheer (homemade eggnog and spiced rum if you must know) and send this Christmas wish to you:

May the dreams you hold in you heart, be held in your arms next year.

Mini-rant

I'm tired of the two sides to ab_ortion rights referred to as pro ab_ortion vs. pro life.

I am pro CHOICE not pro ab_ortion. The other side is ANTI - CHOICE.

I believe that women should have the right to make a choice for themselves. The government should keep its hands off of my body. You have the right to disagree, but not the right to tell me what I can or cannot do.

For the record, I think that everything should be done to educate women and help them avoid having to ever make this kind of decision. However, if it comes down to it there should be a choice.

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

A Meme - 2008 in Review

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t do a resolution this year. I will make one or more for next year, but I have to put some thought into it so I can make sure that they are achievable.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
IRL – No, several of my web friends did.

Did anyone close to you die?
Touch wood – no.

What countries did you visit?
US – we went to Florida in March. And Green Bay in January for the NFC Championship game.

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
This is a tough one. Learning to run 10 and 1s.

What was your biggest failure?
IUI – August 2008

What was the best thing you bought?
Our new car – HHR.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
I don’t really have a response for this.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Nor this one.

Where did most of your money go?
Food, debt and shelter

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Lambeau Field for the NFC Championships, watching Brett Favre & the Green Bay Packers lose to the NY Giants in the 3rd coldest game in history. Experience of a lifetime.

What song will always remind you of 2008?
4 Minutes – Madonna (feat. J.T.)

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder?
Happier

Thinner or fatter?
fatter

Richer or poorer?
Richer

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spending time with my friends laughing and going to movies with my husband.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying about my fertility

How will you be spending Christmas?
Surrounded by family and loved ones.

Did you fall in love in 2008?
No, but I continued to be in love.

How many one-night stands?
None – I’m a married lady now.

What was your favorite TV program?
Gray’s Anatomy – it used to be Gilmore Girls, but they took it off the air.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope.

What was the best book you read?
Glass Castle was a good one, as was The Secret Life of Bees, oh, Such a Pretty Fat was also very good. And the Slow Fat Triathlete. Do I have to pick just one?

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm this is a tough one. Oh – that the Sunday Night Football song sung by Faith Hill is a rip off of “I Hate Myself for Loving You” by Joan Jett. Which as I have later found out was done on purpose.

What did you want and get?
I wanted a new HHR and got it.

What did you want and not get?
A baby.

What were your favorite films of this year?
Sex and the City was good, I don’t really have a standout.

What did you do on your birthday?
Had a nice dinner with my husband.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Whatever fits.

What kept you sane?
My Steel Magnolias, my fellow IF bloggers, my husband, my dogs, my friends.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jason Statham or Vince Vaughn

What political issue stirred you the most?
Earlier this year the Canadian government tried to put back-door controls on freedom of speech. That pissed me off.

The fact that Stephen Harper – the pseudo-dictator called an election to get re-elected in yet another minority government. A huge waste of money for no change.
Obama.

The Big 3 Bail-out. It has to happen; there are too many people that are directly and indirectly affected if these automakers are to go under. You can give $700 billion to a bunch of crooked assholes that pissed away people’s money, but $15 billion to actually protect your GDP, inflation rate, unemployment rate and people’s lives is too much to ask?!!!

Who did you miss?
I missed my Grandpa D. I missed my uncle Earl. I missed my Grannie.

Who was the best new person you met?
Lost in Space. All of the Steel Magnolias.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
To love and accept myself.
I have also taken that serenity prayer to heart – to change the things that I can, accept the things that I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find.. you get what you need.

Fragile

Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear. (A XMAS Story)

I’ve been feeling a little fragile lately, like I’m just going to breakdown crying at any given moment. I don’t know when I turned into such a suck, but there you have it. We cut down our Christmas tree on Sunday; we couldn’t find a tree exactly to my wishes and when we had to settle for a short fat tree instead of a tall, full tree I almost cried. I pouted all the way back to the car.

Yesterday the hubby and I played hookey, it was nice. We were watching tv and an old comedian from my childhood was being interviewed. I almost started crying because seeing him reminded me of what a great childhood that I’d had. All the things I’d done with my parents. Things I wanted to do with my kids. Kids that I don’t have…

Every road seems to lead back to my inability to get pregnant.

I need to shake off this feeling. I need to realize that there are so many things in my life that are good… my husband, my puppies, my family, my fil, my friends, my job and co-workers, our home. Having a baby will enhance the picture. It’s not the whole; it’s simply a part of the picture.

I’m starting to thing about my New Years Resolutions. Usually, I’m not big on them and I rarely stick to them, but this year I may actually do it.

WTF?

Well, my temps are all weird and it looks like I o’d on CD5. Yep CD5. Fucking great. I know I’m all messed up again. This just sucks. Last year I told my husband that I was going to do that Secret thing and focus on my goal. I wrote a story, I thought about it every day… me glowing, laughing and pregnant standing next to our Christmas tree in 2008. If I really ovulated already that means our last chance to be pregnant for Christmas 2008 is gone. Who am I kidding – was there ever even a chance? Oh sure, my RE gave us a 10% chance of getting pg on our own. But, really if it was going to happen that way wouldn’t it have already?!

I guess I’m looking for my own little Christmas miracle.

I’m going to my naturopath today to have a little acupuncture. I can’t wait for 2009 so that I can get it covered again. I used up my $500 naturopath and $500 acupuncture coverage already for 2008.

On a completely different note it was my father in laws 75th birthday yesterday. He was born in Queens_land, Austra_lia in a little town called Ayr*e. We took him to see the movie named for his homeland last night. He grew up in the era of the movie and it was a walk down memory lane for him. I found it to be a pretty good movie – beautifully shot – but long – 2hrs 45minutes movie. It’s worth it to see it in the theatre because of the cinematography.

100th Post

Perhaps there should be balloons and confetti falling from the ceiling in honour of this, my 100th post. But, I’d be lying if I said my heart was in it. I am on CD2 of Cycle #28. Fucking #28. I have on average a 25 day cycle, for all intents and purposes I ovulate every month, H.’s spermies are just shiny except for that little retrograde ejaculation problem. The Sud.afed is supposed to take care of that. I do have that pesky elevated FSH 12 being my highest, 7.2 being the last CD3 result. We have about a 10% chance of getting pregnant without intervention. I think my eggs are fucked. What other reason can there be? We have had PERFECTLY timed intercourse, then I have my perfect temp shift, eggwhites etc. Then I get a red parade into my next cycle. It has to be my eggs.

We have done one unsuccessful IUI with injections. We will do another in January – well hopefully that one will be successful. So, I feel like such a lame ass for even complaining. I know women who have been through so much more than I have; miscarriages and repeated failed IVFs, even losing the baby at almost full term. (God how heart breaking that would be) So, I know that my 28 cycles, with one failed IUI is not much to complain about. I just find it all so unfair. I want to scream my lungs out, rage against the unfairness of it all. I want to sit in a dark room and cry and stare until I can’t feel anymore. Instead I’ll go about my day, smiling, joking, working… moving forward while that small ember of hope builds back up into a flame.

Off Topic

There’s a woman who posts on a message board that I go on that for some unknown reason (well unknown reason to me, obviously it’s known to her) will just not reply to anything I post. I will write posts directly to her – asking questions or providing advice and every one goes ignored. At first I thought I was jumping to conclusions – which are easy to do on a message board. But, I have been doing my only little test to see if what I think is happening is actually happening. It is. I’m really not sure what I’ve done to piss her off, but somehow something that I’ve written must have rubbed her the wrong way.

I kind of care and then again I really could care less. I guess I care because I want to be liked by people. I generally try to be a nice person and be genuinely interested in those around me. So, it’s not often that I run into someone that really dislikes me (that I’m aware of).

I just realized something. (Is this what they call an Aha moment?) This person knows someone that knew me (or of me) a long time ago in real life. Perhaps that has played a role in this.

Whatever. I am not sure why I even felt that this was post worthy. It was irking me so I guess I just needed to get it out.

/whine

A Trip to the Store

H. and I were out shopping at our local discount store over the weekend, checking out the discounts on Christmas cards, paper etc. The store is famous for the “white trashiness” of its clientele. Armed security guards etc, etc. This family walked past us in one of the aisles – the parents had to be in their early 20s, they had 4 very cute kids but it was really obvious that they didn’t have any money. The parents were swearing at each other and their kids. My heart broke for those little ones. As they passed by us, H. looked at me and said, “It’s so unfair – how come they can have 4 kids and we can’t even have one”

I just shrugged. There is no easy answer as to why some people can get pregnant so easily while others can’t. We don’t deserve children any more than anyone else, but I’m pretty sure we don’t deserve them any less either. Infertility is so frustrating. It can get into all aspects of your life. Even a silly trip to the store for frivolous things can be turned sour.

We both moved on and got back into the holiday spirit. But, the thought lingers with me… why not us?