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Today is my last BCP - WOOHOO! I'm so happy to be finished with that part of the preparation for this cycle.

My brother's friend's wife came to my office today to give me my shot. So weird to be given a shot at work in one of the boardrooms. My friend stood outside just to make sure no one walked in on us. I was really nervous about the shot - it's a very big needle - it ended up just being a little poke and some stinging. Not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Also, I emailed back and forth with our myivfalternative coordinator Sue today. She let me know that I'm the next on her list for donor details... I should be receiving them this weekend. I am excited to get the information, but at the same time I have to brace myself for the minimal information that we're going to be receiving. I think we'll just get basics like height, eye colour, hair colour etc and if she's donated before. This feels like the next hurdle. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but of course I'm worried that there's going to be something that makes me want to stop the process. Of course, we've paid in full now, so I'm not sure what that would mean if we don't like the donor. The only things that would really make me not take her is if she's over 26 and under 5'8".

So from here, I take the bcp pill tonight and then wait for my period. It should take 2 to 5 days for it to appear. On the first day of bleeding, I start taking estrogen pills. Just one a day (in the am) for the first few days, then am & pm and eventually I'll be taking them 3 times a day. This will help build my lining since my ovaries will have been shut down due to the lupron.

3

That's the number of BCPs I have left to take. I am so psyched about it. Monday is my last pill and also the day of the lupron shot. The person who is supposed to be helping me with the needle has not been in contact with me which is disappointing. But, H. has offered to do it for me and we'll just do some research on youtube to make sure we're doing it properly. It will be fine.

I had my first dream about donor eggs last night. It was weird, I knew the egg donor and we had done one failed cycle with her and she told us she just couldn't do it again. Instead of being upset I answered that "I'm fine with that and understand. It's ok, we'll find somebody else". So, I think that I have officially moved into the "ok with DE" camp.

I am getting more excited and hopeful with each passing day. I could really be setting myself up for a huge fall. But, I want to be excited and hopeful, so that's what I'm going to do/how I'm going to be.

Having a Good Day

Today has been a good day and I'm not afraid to tempt the fates by saying that. I have not taken any pain meds today and I have had a minimum amount of pain. I have also been relatively panic free today - I tend to get this kind of buzzing feeling through my neck and shoulders, but not today. I kind of feel like my old self.

I also got my test results back from the stress test I did last week. Everything is fine. Nothing to worry about. This is as I expected, but it's nice to have it out there that I'm fine!

In other news, I looked into upgrading our tickets to business class for our trip today. It was an extra $5000 per ticket. So, I guess I'll just have to suck it up and squeeze into my economy seat. How can they charge such ridiculous prices?! In case you're counting, we're down to 26 days before we leave! Is it bad that I'm suddenly feeling really optimistic?

In nonIF news, H and I had a contractor over to the house last night. We are having our old crappy cement porch replaced with a brand spanking new one. The work will start sometime in early May. Our project this year is to work on the outside of the house a little. We have hired a company to come and do the aerating, fertilizing, eco-pesticide and seeding; hopefully, this effort will result in a nice lawn. As previously mentioned, we are having the porch replaced and will also be putting in a new garden. Hopefully at some point I'll be able to provide before and after pictures.

Less than a month...

Um, did you see my ticker - over there to the right? It says there are 28 days left until we leave. Holy crap! 28 days, that's less than a month. Today, I'm in a much better place than I have been in a while in regards to our trip overseas. It's a big deal and there's a lot that I'm scared of - particularly if this doesn't work. Surprisingly, one of the biggest fears has been what if it does. This is the closest I have ever felt to actually being successful at getting pregnant. I really feel that donor eggs will get us pregnant. Do you know what that means? I'll have a baby and be a Mom and have all of that responsibility. My life will no longer be my own. This makes me want to laugh out loud at myself. What the hell did I think this was all about? The injections and pills and suppositories and acupuncture and stress and worrying and just plain everything - what the heck did I think we were doing?!

Now that I know that this is something I've been worrying about I can deal with it. I mean, I felt like I've been ready to be a Mom for a while, I guess the reality of it actually happening - us actually being in the game - kind of had me spooked.

I want to be a Mom more than anything, it's not going to be easy, but I will acclimate, H. will help me and I know my parents and my brother & his girlfriend will help too.

Isn't it funny how the mind works. Here I thought I was really worried about it failing (oh there's that there too), but it's also been about it working. That makes sense - I've spent so much time thinking about how I'll bond with the baby and how connected I'll feel and how to make myself more connected.. these are all outcomes of it actually working. Who knew - there was actually some positivity at the bottom of all of this.

Cat's out of the bag

So, it was my Mom's birthday last week and to celebrate we went to her house so she could cook us dinner. (Roast, yorkshire pudding, mashed potatoes and gravy - yum!). It came out over dinner that the owner of the restauarant that I spoke about a couple of posts ago forwarded the blogpost to my brother. So, despite that asshole not knowing about customer service and how to make an apology ('cause you know if he had just spoken to my bro I would never have posted about his restaurant), I'm the one that ended up getting screwed in the end. I have never shared this blog with anyone in my family (except for H); not one of my friends knows about it either. This has been my safe place to blog all of the shit that I have gone through and how I've felt and am feeling. I don't have to worry about editing myself in case I hurt someone's feelings.

Now the cat's out of the bag. I don't think my bro would read this blog and I really hope he didn't pass it on to my parents. Not that it's a really bad thing, but I feel like my anonymity has been completely compromised.

Who knows, if he has, maybe they'll get a better understanding of exactly how tough this has been for me.

My initial reaction was to stop writing, but that would just take away a much needed release for me. So, I'm going to continue writing.

So, here we go... one more week and I get my shot lupron depot. I've been asked a couple of times why the lupron and from my understanding the lupron will throw me into a false menopause - that way my ovaries don't produce any follicles and I won't ovulate on my own. Which I think could compromise the transfer. On Monday march 22nd, I have the depot shot and also take the last BCP or as I call them poison pills. I will then wait until I get my period. On the first day of my period I start taking estrogen pills to help build my lining and then on April 8th I go for my transvag u/s to check my lining. Then on April 13th we leave for Brno. April 15th will be the donor's egg retrieval and either April 18th/20th will be the transfer.

The excitement is really starting to build.

On a panic attack note, I'm still having the chest pains, I'm going to go to a chiropractor next week and see if there's anything that s/he can do for me. I should have my results from my stress test next Monday as well. I have had a couple of minor tremors - nothing like the attack I had on Thursday, but for the most part I'm feeling better. I took today off work just to sleep. When I sleep I don't feel the pains and my mind isn't racing; it just gives me relief from everything. Not a very healthy way of dealing with things, but as a short term fix it works for me. Actually, after that one I had on Thursday I was just completely exhausted and really didn't have a chance to recover fully from it physically. I am feeling much more rested today.

I just want this to be gone and I'm hoping that once I'm off the bcp things will settle down a little bit.

That was a Doozy

Last night I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had. Things had been so good lately that I wasn’t prepared for it. I was pacing around my home for about an hour and a half. At around 8pm I started feeling just a little off, pain in my left collarbone and a burning sensation in my shoulders. Then I had that sense of impending doom. I tried all of the normal things that I do when I feel an attack coming on – telling myself it’s just a panic attack, taking some cleansing breaths, singing the number song from Sesame Street. I started to be less convinced that it was a panic attack and more convinced that something was actually wrong with me. I couldn’t sit still. I started pacing. Around 9pm my Father in Law came home. I called down to him and asked him to come up and just talk to me for a while. So, he sat in the living room while I paced. At around 9:30 I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I wanted to go to the hospital so that they could give me something – anything – that would end the attack. I didn’t want to feel, I wanted to be drugged into submission. I called H. to tell him we were contemplating going to the hospital and to tell him which hospital to meet us at. Then after hanging up with him I changed my mind, I’d wait for H. to get home instead, so I called him and told him as much.

H. got home around 10pm and it was like he was my magic potion, he was just there and I calmed down. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, but I did. Waking up only at around 1:30am to go get a drink of water.

I still feel shaky today; fragile. But, I’m at work and trying to white knuckle my way through the day. I may end up going home early though. I really just want to be in bed. I’m mentally and physically exhausted from these strange random pains and this anxiety.

H. thinks that this is happening because I don’t really want to go to Brno and I don’t really want a baby. I’m not convinced of that. There is some truth there. I don’t want to have to go to Brno. I’m still so angry that this is where our fertility inabilities have led us. I don’t want to have to use another woman’s eggs; I want to use my own. But, I will go to Brno and I will use another woman’s eggs because that is what it takes to get me pregnant. That is what will give us the family we so desire.

I kept my own name when H. & I got married. I just thought that’s who I’ve been my whole life so why would I change it now. As we get closer to using donor eggs, I’ve been re-thinking my position on this. Our child(ren) are going to have his genetics and not mine, his name and not mine; that invisible connection will just be there. Maybe I should informally take his name so that we have that link all together? Or, we could hyphenate their last name, but I hate when people do that. Is this even rational?

Hodgo Podge

Hi! It's been a while, I'm doing ok. Had my stress test for my heart yesterday, I think it went okay. They got my heart beating over 160bpm and there was no pain, no tightness in my chest. I was just winded because I'm so incredibly out of shape. I'm still having the pain and I still have to keep telling myself it's my ribs not my heart. But, when you're in this heightened sense of awareness, it's hard to just let it go.

Got some good news today, my brother's friends wife is going to give me my lupron depot shot. My aunt was going to do it, but here husband is having his knee replace that day. I kind of feel better about this because while I love my aunt, I don't think she'd keep the info to herself.

My brother was at Capl.ansky's De.li on the weekend and was eating a bowl of Borscht and found a really chewy part in it. It was a bandaid!!!! And, the owner was in the restaurant and refused to acknowledge them when they tried to get his attention. The staff said "he went out the back door to run errands". Ya, right.

Disgusting. I would never ever eat there.

Edit: There is a comment from Zane (the owner of the deli above) regarding my post re the bandaid in the soup that I have not verified as fact from my brother. My interpretation of the events, based on a conversation with my brother yesterday, are apparently an overly dramatic version of what occured. Zane says he didn't ignore my brother and his girlfriend and that he was told it was a rubberband not a bandaid. He has asked me to edit my post, I removed one line, but have left the remainder as is. This was my brother's perspective as told to me. And, I don't care if it's a bandaid or a rubberband - it's disgusting to find that in your food.

Balance

I went to the psychologist today, I really like Dr. C. She's a good listener and is very practical and down to earth. It sounds like she's had quite a few donor conception patients and just run of the mill infertiles come through her doors. I didn't cry too much, just teared up a little at the beginning. I felt stupid for crying, but also thought that what I was talking about merited the tears. She gave me some good tools for handling the panic attacks and also gave me some homework to do on worrying. I am an official worry wart.

The biggest thing she said was that this whole busines of infertility and treatments is not good for our mental health. She said that quicker you can get in and get out of treatment the better (not that we have any choice in that really). She also said that she doesn't believe in all the rah rah-ing the clinics do and the keep a positive outlook viewpoint. She said that when things don't work out it adds to the crash that we have all experienced.

Also, she said it's ok to feel crazy. That just because you feel crazy in the moment does not mean that you are crazy. Just acknowledge it and keep moving. I'm going back next week. I have to say though, I don't think it will be a long term thing.

On another note, the results of my aunt's biopsy came back today. She has uterine cancer. She's 50 years old, the mother of 2 boys (18 & 13) and she's having an emergency hysterectomy sometime in the next week. They think that it's still in the very early stages and she may not even need radiation. Please keep her in your thoughts.

Is it in my cards?

I went to a friend's blog today and she has a free tarot card widget at the bottom of her page. I asked my question to myself and selected my 3 cards. Here are the results:

Past - 9 of Cups
Fortunes
Wealth. A time of plenty or a person of great means. A comfort and peace of mind that comes from having material desires fulfilled. Opulence

Present - 10 of Cups
Success
Goals that are achieved. Relationships that are true. Dreams are turned to reality and happiness abounds. A time to rejoice with those close to you.

Future - Queen of Cups
Motherhood
Cherishing and giving. A person who is supportive and can be trusted. Someone who gives birth to ideas and adds support to those of others. A teacher and mentor.

So, what are your thoughts?

Got my Protocol

Last week, my box of meds arrived in the mail. The delivery guy left it on my front step. I'm not sure how long it was out there, but the Dipherline (lupron depot) is not supposed to be frozen so I'm not sure if the meds are ruined or not. Still talking to the pharmacist about it. If I need to get a new dose, I will have it shipped to my office that way I know for sure that it won't sit out for hours in the cold.

Then, on the weekend, I got an email from myivfalternative representative S., my protocol is ready. This is all becoming so much more real. On March 22nd I take my depot shot and will take my last bcp. Woohoo! I can't wait to get off these stupid things. I will then start taking my estrogen pills. April 8th will be my ultrasound and then April 15 is the donor's egg retrieval, with April 19th to 20th being the expected time for transfer. At some point in there I will also have to start taking crinone once a day.

I haven't received my donor info yet, but I think I'll get that sometime at the end of March.

I am feeling a little better these days. After the last time I wrote that I hadn't had a panic attack, I guess I must have tempted the fates and ended up having to leave work because I had a doozy of one. Over the weekend I had one minor one that I was able to talk myself past - it was at the movies. We saw Shutt.er Is.land. Weird movie. Not a very good choice for someone who 1. is having panic attacks and 2. feels like she's losing her mind.

I am trying to get an acupuncture appointment for today or tomorrow instead of Thursday as I have a presentation that day that interferes with my appointment time.

Wednesday is the psych appointment and I am counting down the days to my stress test.

The thing that is on my mind today is the flight to Frankfurt (the major leg of the trip to Brno). I am a big person and I hate those tiny little seats on the plane, plus there's never any leg room. Add to that the anxiety I'm experiencing and all I can imagine is what a nightmare the flight is going to be. I'm dreading it. Also, going into these types of procedures we're always told that we need to manage our stress, keep relaxed etc. I just don't see how I'll be able to relax on the flight over, but also the flight home is when we hopefully will have a couple of little beans tucked away. I don't want to be stressed about the seat size or anxiety attacks on the way home. All that to say, that I'd really like to upgrade our seats to business/first class. H. thinks it's a waste of money, but I think, even if it's $1000 each that it's worth it for the peace of mind I'll be given. Am I overthinking this?

I Believe

I Believe performed by Nikki Yanovski is the theme for the Vancouver 2010 Olympics for the TV station CTV that is carrying the games in Canada.

This song spoke to me from the first time I heard it and is the theme song for H & my journey to create our family. I may be slightly losing my grip, but I still believe that we are doing the right thing to build our family.

Check out the video:

Cautiously Feeling Better

I haven't had a full blown panic attack since my last post (knock wood). The act of going to the doctor on Tuesday and actually getting a diagnosis - knowing that the pain is real, yet not a heart attack - has really helped. Now when I feel the pain I'm able to say to myself "you've felt this before, you know you're ok etc" and no anxiety attack. I made my stress test appointment - it's for March 8th and I have also made an appointment with a psychologist. I found her on the Infertilitynetwork.org and she specializes in infertility and donor conception. I am going to see her on March 3rd.

It's weird now that I'm feeling better I don't really want to go, but I know that I need to. There is something deeper triggering all of this anxiety. I am at my stress breaking point. It takes nothing to have me upset and frustrated. I guess, I'm just unsure of how the whole thing goes. Do I just start talking about my history? Where do I even begin? I hope that she'll be able to pull stuff out of me because I think I've been pretty good about burying everything.

The other thing that I'm doing is cutting down on my caffeine. Not that I drank a lot of coffee to begin with (1 large cup per day) but now I'm doing half decaf half regular. Apparently, avoiding caffeine will also help with my anxiety and panic attacks.

I'm a strong person. I have been through a hell of a lot emotionally and have come out of most of it smiling. I just never thought I'd be someone to lose my shit like this. It makes me feel weak and even more of a failure. Look at the big loser - she can't control her weight, she can't get pregnant, she's stagnating in her job and now she's losing her mind. I don't always feel this way about myself, but right now 'big fat failure' seems to describe me best. And, if I'm honest it's a fear of failure in April that is really affecting me.

It's still Not a Heart Attack

I have been seriously losing my shit and it's not fun. I have still been having pains in my chest and side and I have still been having a sense of impending doom. I have been having serious panic attacks - the ones that make you feel like you're about to pass out, difficult to breathe, hot, thirsty and scared out of your mind. I really felt like I was losing my mind and was not in control of my emotions. I don't like to not be in control, even when I was younger and I'd go out drinking I never let it get past the point of being in control.

So, I went to my doctor today ready to fight to make sure that I was taken care of to my satisfaction. I wanted to know for sure whether I'm at risk for a heart attack, if I am in fact having a heart attack and what can be done for me. I also wanted to ask her about my BCPs, ever since I started taking them I have felt like I'm coming undone. I think it's the estrogen in them which is weird because when I was on the estrogen patches for my estrogen priming protocol, I felt amazing.

While in the waiting room, I was practising my deep breathing exercises trying to fend off another attack. (they feel like waves crashing in against my body with no let up - just wave after wave). When I saw her, I told her what I'd been experiencing. She listned to me and then started reassuring me. My blood tests were done in April 2009 (less than a year ago), my good cholesterol looked great and my bad cholesterol was low, I wasn't diabetic etc. I'm really low risk for having a heart attack. She listened to my heart and also took my blood pressure - 120 over 80 - and that was after having that panic attack. But, I insisted that I want a stress test, just to make sure once and for all. So, I have a referral.

Apparently, I have a Costochondritis - an inflammation of the cartilage that joins the ribs to the chest bone. And, my bras are too tight. It will clear up on its own, but I'm to take Advil daily for the pain and my doctor gave me a prescription for a stomach protector thingy - it's supposed to protect my stomach from the extra acid from the advil so I don't get an ulcer.

So, the good news is that I'm physically ok. The bad news is that there are underlying issues - psychological issues - that I need to deal with. These are the issues that are being exacerbated by the bcp.

So, I have two tasks: 1. Book my stress test, 2. book a psych consult.

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately and I haven't really been commenting. I have had to stay away from blogs, and message boards because just reading the stories was a little too much for me to handle.

Not Much Going On

I finished my first pack of BCP and then waited for AF to arrive. She started on Sunday and I'm just finishing now. So weird, I haven't been on BCP for so long I couldn't remember how long it would take me to get AF after my last pill. For those keeping track it took about 3 and a half days. I start the 2nd pack tonight which means I'll take the last pill from that pack on March 10th. By that time I should have my protocol and my meds for the cycle in April. I got an email this morning that the meds have been shipped to me, so sometime this week I'll be getting all of the goods. I just feel like I'm in such a holding pattern right now. And, I'm scared of something going wrong and not being able to go. Or, going and she doesn't have any eggs. It's so much money with very little guarantee of it working. I just know we have to take this leap of faith.

I still go through periods of being sad that I'm not going to have a genetic child. It is a bitter pill to swallow. I am so incredibly grateful to have any chance at all of getting to experience being pregnant and having a child that I feel guilty about being bitter. It's all one big vicious cycle of sadness, bitterness, guilty and anxiety. I don't particularly like this part of the ride.

Generally, though things are good. I have started walking in the PATH in the afternoon. It takes me about half an hour to complete my circuit. They say for every 10 minutes of brisk walking you travel 1km, so I'm probably doing about 3km every day. Not bad. Also, I take all of the stairs and avoid the escalators. Oh, I guess I should explain what the PATH is; it's a labyrinth of pathes under the downtown core of Toronto that links a lot of the big business buildings together. There's all kinds of stores and food courts etc down there. It's like the business people are a bunch of rats in a maze. It's nice to be a little active again.

Oh, and for my final comment, I love the winter Olympics. Don't believe the negative press - yes there have been problems and one horrific, regrettable death - but people are still winning medals, competing in the sport they've trained all of their life for, nations are being brought together to support their competitors. One of our news channels did a random survey of about 100 people in Vancouver about their experience at the games. 99 of them gave positive responses with 1 person stating that the street signs were confusing. (I think those were the numbers - it may have been more than 100 but I know it was just 1 negative response). All of the games have had their own problems - does anyone remember the bomber at the games in Atlanta? or the hostages that were taken and killed in the 70's.

All that to say GO CANADA GO!

Hmph, another one.

I'm not sure how to feel about this... was at my naturopath's office today getting my weekly acupuncture treatment (fell asleep on the table today) and began talking ot her about my favourite cousin that's pregnant and how for the first time in a long time I felt excitement and hope for the future. We talked a bit about it for a while and then she said, "Well, I better tell you this now before you are able to notice it..." And of course I'm standing there with this dumb smile on my face trying to reason out what is going to come next. "I'm pregnant". Of course I was excited and said all of the right things.

And, in the moment, there wasn't even a small part of me that was sad. I think I was in shock. She is 16 weeks along.

I am extremely happy for her and I love going to her, but there's this small part of me that thinks I won't be able to continue to see her. She now embodies what I want.

Is it weird that I'm not sure about continuing to see her?

Perpetuating Myths

Did you happen to catch The New Adventures of Old Christine yesterday? I didn’t see the whole show, but caught enough to get the gist of the premise. Apparently, Old Christine wants to have another baby and is going to use her ex-husband’s sperm to get pregnant. Cut to the scene of her and all of her friends at the doctor’s office for her assessment of if she can still get pregnant. The doctor did an external ultrasound pronouncing her lining thick, her uterus in great shape, her tubes open and her ovaries functioning. Diagnosis: She can still get pregnant, but she’ll have to move quickly. How old is this woman – my guess is that she’s at least 45 (in the show).

I was watching tv with H. and we both sat watching this scene incredulously. H. shook his head and said something to the effect of the show being stupid. He’s been through enough of my appointments to know that most of that stuff is done through an internal ultrasound.

Now, I know the show is a comedy and it’s on in prime time and it would probably make people all squeamish if they mimed a transvaginal ultrasound. But, I can’t help but get ticked off at these shows. 45 year old women do get pregnant spontaneously; however most 45 year old women do not. Even 45 year old women who have fertility treatments have significantly reduced odds of getting pregnant with their own eggs.

It’s just one more example of “Hollywood” spreading this garbage of women in their 40’s getting pregnant easily. The fact is that we have a biological clock and while some will beat the odds, most will not unless they go with donor eggs.

When I had my IVF, my family was so expectant of a successful outcome that they were in shock that it didn’t happen. One of my aunts cancelled a party because she thought she had shingles and that I would be pregnant so she didn’t want to get me sick. I think this is due to tv and false information. For the most part, unless you have a vested interest to go look into fertility stats or read infertility blogs, society only hears about people’s successes. So, it gives this false sense that IVF = Baby.

I don’t know what the point of this post is… the only reason I know what I know is because I was forced to learn. I certainly don’t wish for anyone to have to walk in my shoes. Is it too much to hope for entertainment to be accurate as well as funny?

Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows la la la...

Today I caught myself thinking about our trip to CR and found myself smiling. Smiling?! Then, when thinking about my cousin, I thought about having little ones close to the same age... you know if things work in April. And, I felt this little ripple of excitement, it was just a little buzz of electricity that ran up my belly. Uh oh, and now that good old emotion of hope has just popped in to say hello. Yikes, usually I'm good at fending off these positive emotions. You know some how protecting myself from some inevitable disappointment,it's a bizarre form of self-preservation. It's so much easier to be the grizzled, cynical, infertile than the bright-eyed, optimistic, hopeful one.

Or at least I thought it was easier, but you know what... I don't like living like that. That's not who I am. I want to be hopeful and optimistic and expectant of good things. I've gotten so used to things not going right that I've forgotten what it feels like to have that ripple of excitement roll through my body.

Logicaly, I know it's better to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I just don't want to be logical. Logic be damned! Today I'm going to be hopeful and optimistic, there are good things in my future.

I'm not an Ogre

My brother's birthday party was a big hit! The masks were awesome and he had a great time. On top of that, the food was tasty and affordable. A job well done overall. On Sunday I got a phonecall from my Mom. I knew it wasn't going to go very well because of her tone of voice. You know how you just *know* when it's going to be bad news? Well, I was wrong it was extremely good news, but delivered as follows:

Me: Hello
Mom: Hi SweetG, how are you?
Me: (thinking uh oh, what's up)Fine, did you have a good time last night...blah blah blah.
Mom: Blah blah, just got off the phone with Aunt M. Your cousin L is pregnant.
Me: That's amazing news!
Mom: Aunt M was afraid to tell you. (crying)
Me: (sigh) I'm so happy for L&D.

The conversation went on from there...but the "she was afraid to tell you" line gets me. I'm not an ogre. I can feel happiness and joy for the people I love when good things happen in their lives... even when it's about a pregnancy. Of course, I feel sad for myself. And of course I hung up the phone and swore at the world and sobbed "It's just not fucking fair!". But, along side of that pain and sorrow is pure joy for my cousin. This is my favouritest cousin. She is like my little sister and she & her fiancé are going to make incredible parents.

It was an oops. Neither of them have steady jobs or health benefits. She is significantly overweight and has thyroid issues (she's starting synthroid today), she's in early menopause. And she's pregnant. See there's a little teensy bit of bitterness there for me. We are essentially the same but I'm 5 years older. This makes H. kick himself and blame himself and start with the old "if only I hadn't made us wait" game of self-blame. To which I say... neither of us was ready, we made that decision together and there are no guarantees that anything would be different now. Then H. said the best thing he could have said in the situation; he said "Just think 2 years from now we'll have our child(ren) and they'll have theirs and we won't be in this place any more." While there are no guarantees that things will work. I had lost that hope and I needed to be reminded that while I'm (we're) strugggling through things right now they won't always be this way. This too shall pass.

So, I choose to believe that we will be successful.

Stars

Lately, at night when I have the dogs outside for the pre-bed bathroom break I have been taking a moment to look up at the sky and just breathing it in. I love the winter sky on a clear night. The stars look like I could reach up and touch them. I love being able to spot Orion’s belt and just letting the moment seep into me. In our family folklore we tell the kids that when someone dies they become a star looking down on us. So, if you need a visit, you just have to look up into the sky. I tell myself that the first star I see at night is my Grandpa looking down on me. I get to say a quick hello and then, even though I am not religious, I thank God for the night.

Even last night, with the sky covered in clouds and the snow coming down, I was able to remember back to earlier nights just like that. Where it’s not really that cold, and you can feel the snowflakes melting on your cheeks and eyelashes only on those nights I would have been a kid tobogganing or skating. Instead, I was chasing the pups around in the snow.

These are moments that fill me up and give me a simple joy. But, they are also moments that make me sad. I want to be able to point to the sky and say to my child, “see that star up there, that’s your Great Grandpa. Look quick because when he twinkles he’s saying hello.” I want to make new memories of playing in the snow with my children and hearing their laughter echo through the snowfall.

Edited to answer a couple questions:

Val asked if my dogs like snow... the quick answer is Yes, the pups love the snow. They dig their noses in it and roll around in it and generally act like pigs in sh*t.

And, Lost in Space asked if we see the stars like she did in Death Valley. I guess what we'd see is somewhere in between. I'm in Toronto - which has about 2.5 million people in the city, it is part of the GTA (Greater Toronto Area) which is the city and its surrounding area which has a population of 5.5 million. Lots of highrises and lights here too. I live about a 20 minute drive from downtown and I guess far enough that I can see some stars, but I have never seen the milky way unless I've been up in cottage country far away from the city lights.

Just breathe

The party on Friday was excellent. We drank a lot of bubbly, listened to 80s music, watched 80s movies (Footloose and Dirty Dancing) and laughed a lot. The room we got was excellent and accomodated everyone. And, I loved getting my mani done. Oh and the cupcakes were divine. I think T had a mini breakdown - she's not handling this birthday very well, but overall I'm pretty sure she had a good time.

Next thing to get ready for is P's 30th birthday. I cut his picture out over and over again and now just have to get sticks to paste the masks on. I think he's going to love them.

I've been feeling pretty good since I went to my naturopath on Thursday. But, on Sunday I had that heavy feeling creeping back in. So I took some of the valeriacalm that she suggested. At first it made me feel a little loopy, but after a while I just felt calm again and the heaviness fell away. I think part of what has been weighing on me is some bad news that has occurred over the past week on the boards that I visit. 3 women all pregnant after IF had losses last week. One, a natural surprise bfp, lost her little monkey after having seen the heartbeat. One, pregant with twins via IVF, lost both after having seen the heartbeats. And, one also pregnant with twins via IVF, lost one of her little guys after having seen the heartbeats. You would think that women who have to go through infertility to finally have success would be given a free pass once they are pregnant. It truly shows just how unfair things can be and the complete randomness of everything.

There is no easy part of this battle. We fight and fight to get pregnant. Then magically one day it happens. Then we fight and fight to stay pregnant. Will the fear follow us through every step of our children's lives? When does it stop and we can just breathe?

The BCP is making me feel like I'm pregnant. I'm emotional (crying at the drop of a hat), I feel bloated and full and my boobs are sore. The things we put our body through to get pregnant! I have already forgotten to take my pill twice. Very irresponsible of me. But, I figure I'm not trying to prevent pregnancy, just getting the timing down for my DE cycle so I'm all good.

Still feeling better, I was lying in bed talking with H last night and explaining how much lighter I felt. The acupuncture relieved so much of the built up tension in my body. I slept really well last night as well. Which is good since I have a big night planned for this evening.

It's one of my best friend's 40th birthday next week. We are holding a girls' night for her tonight. We've rented a suite at a hotel downtown and are having a big pyjama party. We're going to listen to 80's music and watch 80's movies. We're going to eat junk food and hang out. We're also having a manicurist come to the room to give us manis. It's going to be so much fun! I'm in charge of the cake, so I went to an awesome little cupcake shop in the Beach (a neighbourhood in Toronto) and got two dozen mini cupcakes - half double chocolate and half lemon. Yum! I was going to bake them myself, but I can't ice them as well as the professionals and I wanted something a little nicer for my girl T.

Then next weekend is my little bro's 30th birthday. I'm helping to plan it with his girlfriend. We've never communicated this much. She's a really nice girl and wants to throw a good surprise party. The only thing is she doesn't really have the funds to do so. So, H&I have stepped up as have my parents. So, we're having it at a pub, we've ordered the food and reserved the space (and got a fabulous deal!). I went on to P's facebook and got a picture from his profile. It's one where he's used and age enhancing program. We are printing up the picture and making it into masks. So when he gets there everyone will have one up to wear as a part of the surprise. I mocked one up the other day and it was pretty frightful!!! He's going to love it!

Feeling Better

After my post the other day, I was worried that I would have alienated all of you. Thank-you for all of your comments, they mean a lot to me.

I think I need to let everything hang out - warts and all - every once in a while. It is freeing. Unfortunately, my time has been spent ignoring how I'm feeling. H. called me out last night - he said that when I get home I bury my head in a book or watching tv or in my knitting - that I'm not doing anything. I have a course I'm supposed to be completing and I have a goal to lose weight before our trip, but I'm just a lump. He's right, but it's not intentional, it's because I feel frozen and over-whelmed. But, I just have to DO something and the rest will come. So, that's what I'm going to do. Just DO something - like read a chapter of my course, and take the puppies for walks.

Oh ya, my title says I'm feeling better. I am. After my appointment with my GP I had already felt like the world had lifted a little from my shoulders. Then, I wrote that post and let me demons hang out for all to see. That was very freeing and also dimished the power of my negative, anxious thoughts. Today, I saw my amazingly awesome Naturopath. I heart her! Our appointments start the same way, she asks me how I am, and I blab (told her all about the stuff that had been making me batty), then she asks me to lie down on the table and she puts in my needles. Today's points were in both shins, outside of both wrists, between the eyes, 3 in my belly, and one in the top of my head. At this point, she usually leaves me alone, but not today. Today she just sat with me and asked me questions about how I'm doing etc. She told me about other patients that have gone through donor egg and how they felt. Then the needles in my wrists were hurting in a sharp not so good way so she took them out. We talked a little more and then the session was over. She took all of the needles out and the one in my head and the one between my eyes bled. The one between my eyes was particularly bad and was throbbing. This is a major stress point which just confirmed everything that I had told her. Before I left she recommended I take Valericalm by St. Francis. She said that it is not an anti-depressant, but it just takes the edge off things. I'm willing to give it a shot.

The acupuncture worked wonders for me. I have been feeling like there's someone sitting on my chest and now I don't have that feeling at all. The pressure has lifted. I don't know if you have tried acupuncture, but I am a true believer!

Slightly Going Crazy Am I ...

Two posts in one day, I'm such an overachiever! I went to the doctor today because I have been having weird things happen. Ever since I had the heart attack that wasn't, I have been feeling weird. Panicky, anxious and jumping to the assumption that every pain I felt was going to land me back in the hospital. I don't sleep well and when I do sleep I'm in weird positions. My hands are always over my head so my shoulders and back are stiff. This will lead to pains in my side or back and I will automatically assume I'm having a heart attack. I am disproportionately worried about things that I would have ignored in the past. Lately, I've had a dry hacking cough. No phlegm or anything green in colour (sorry for the gory details). I had a feeling it may be post nasal drip or something like that. But, the illogical over-worried, anxious part of my brain was imagining that it was cancer or a clot. I'd have to talk myself out of panic attacks almost on a daily basis. Now I'm taking BCP and there are side effects of blood clots. Today I had a cramp in my left calf and almost went spinning out of control thinking it was a blood clot.

Added to this is the infertility stuff, the worries about donor eggs and also the short-comings of the medical care here. I have to have a lupron depot shot and a transvaginal ultrasound before I go to the CR. My doctor refused to be of any assistance, which has just added to my stress level.

And, on top of all of this, I have stopped going to acupuncture. The one thing that actually has really helped my handle my stress levels.

So, today I went to my dr.'s office (which is also a walk-in) and she saw me within 20 minutes. I explained everything to her and she was so good. Talked me down and told me my options. First, I have post nasal drip and she's prescribed a nasal spray that is supposed to help. Secondly, she referred me to a special clinic for women dealing with reproductive issues (post-partum, pregnanacy related etc) - it is a pscyhology clinic. Thirdly, she showed me where I have to give myself the needle and finally, she referred me for a transvaginal ultrasound. Just speaking with her helped calm me down.

Logically, I know that I'm stressed, but I didn't grasp the extent of it.

Now I know I'm ok from a health standpoint. I will wait to hear from the clinic and I am going to make an appointment for acupuncture for Thursday. I thought I was dealing really well with this crap. I read that book and have been using the deep breathing techniques. I guess I really just buried my head in the sand.

There's really no point to this post other than to just be honest with myself. I haven't been handling things very well and I finally got up the nerve to deal with it.

Full Disclosure

I went home last night and sat on the couch and didn't move. I did not lift a single finger to clean anything. I will have to give it a try again tonight.

Cleaning House

I was inspired by Fran to clean up my blogroll. (Thanks for the motivation!) I have removed a few blogs that hadn't had any new posts for months (if you want to be added back, please let me know) and I also added a few new blogs that I have been following for a while. I use bloglines.com to be notified of new posts and lately it hasn't been working very well, so I'm going to go back to using my blogroll.

This little bit of reorganization as well as this post over at Just add Eggs has motivated me to clean up our spare room. You know the one, it's the room that was originally set out to be the nursery back when you were starting TTC. That room that has now turned into the storage/library/ironing room. Well at least that's what has happened at our house. We have a small one and a half storey war time house (built in 1944), there are two bedrooms and no baths upstairs. There is a full apartment in the basement where my father in law lives and that leaves very little storage room for us. We have generally used the spare room upstairs as the catchall for all of the stuff that we're not quite sure what to do with, boxes of papers that have to be gone through, book cases and the blow up bed. The closet holds our luggage, my wedding dress and golf clubs amongst other things. I also use it as the room to hang dry clothes and a place to do the ironing.

There is a part of me that's been a little gunshy about cleaning out this room. You know the whole tempting fate mentality. I don't want to seem too presumptuous and clean out the room in the face of all of the issues we've had so far attempting to get pregnant. Lately there is a whole other school of thought that I am leaning towards. This one is telling me that by leaving the room as is, we are telling the world, the fates, the whatever that's out there, that we don't expect to be successful. I think it's time to start going through the room and cleaning it out. It's time to make room in our house for our future baby. It will be a physical manifestation of the room I've already made in my heart.

Hmmm, do I sound crazy? Is this making me sound like I'm grasping at straws?

And, for full disclosure, there's a part of me that knows that one day I will be pregnant and at that time, I won't want to deal with the mess. So, wish me luck, I'm starting tonight.

The Kindness of Almost Strangers

Yesterday H. and I went to M&J's place. They are the friends of my parents who were helping us get information about the CR and what we can expect when we get there. H. had volunteered to help J with something technology related and then we were going to look at some maps of where we are staying in Prague and M&J were going to point out places of interest around there for us.

Well, to our complete shock, M&J have given us their apartment in Prague to stay in. It's central to everything. We even have the keys already. They also gave us tickets for the streetcar and almost $200 CDN worth of the Czech money (Kc). We were completely flabbergasted by their generosity. I still can't quite believe it. They are giving us a cell phone to use while we're there as well. It's really almost more than I can take in.

As we were leaving, H & I were talking about how we were shocked by everything that had just happened. And, how it must be from their end of things. I mean J. is from the CR and as a couple they couldn't have children. Now 20-ish years later, we are going to J's homeland for a procedure that has a 60% chance of working. It must open up old wounds for them. I feel horrible for having any impact on M this way. We're kindred spirits and I would hate to be causing her any pain.

I would really like to find a way to thank them for their generosity. Where do we even begin? Do we send them a card now, or wait until after the trip? Or do both? what is appropriate - a card? flowers? dinner out?

What a Difference a Day Makes

Thank-you for all of the comments, hugs and support! They really helped me through one of the roughest IF days I've had in quite a while. I am doing better today, no tears at all. H. was amazing yesterday, he called and checked on me to make sure I was okay because he had a class last night so he would be going straight there from work. Except he didn't because he surprised me and showed up at our sliding glass door last night just to give me a hug to cheer me up. And, he came bearing gifts. He bought me the most divine box of chocolates and truffles to help get me through the night. We shared a couple before he had to go to class. He's definitely a keeper!

I am still torn about moving on without my eggs. There is a part of me that thinks "what if", but I know that what I really want is to be a Mom and my best chance is through DE. It is the right road for me. I took my first BCP last night at 9pm and will do so every night until I'm told it's time for my Lupron shot.

I think I'm going to enjoy this little TTC break while I wait for donor eggs. I have a 30th birthday and a 40th birthday party to attend in the next few weeks and I won't have to worry about having a drink or two.

Anyway, thank-you thank-you thank-you for all of you love and support. It means the world to me.

Floating Away on my Tears

I’m out. No miracle for me. On CD18 or so there was light pink when I went to the bathroom first thing this morning. I couldn’t stop the tears; despite my best efforts and the lives of many Kleenexes I just couldn’t dam the flow. My make-up was ruined and I didn’t even bother to re-apply. I was still crying in the car on the way to work. It wasn’t the deep soul shattering tears, just the ones that seem to keep flowing, like there’s tap that’s been left turned on behind your eyeballs. Of course, all of that crying gave me a headache. H. told me I should stay home, but I was stubborn and wanted to just get myself together and go to work. There’s a part of me that just doesn’t want to have to deal with this shit. Now, that I’m at work I realize I should not be here. I look like hell, bloodshot eyes and all, and my mind is not in it.

On the drive to work, H and I talked about the different paths that our lives have taken. H’s Mom got cancer when he was 12 or 13 and died when he was 16. He learned early that we are not in control of our lives and that despite wanting things badly you don’t always get them. I on the other hand have lived a pretty charmed life. There have been set backs, but for the most part I have never really had to try very hard to make things happen for me. Until now. I also haven’t really wanted anything quite as much as I want a baby. Now is the time that I must learn that lesson – you can’t always get what you want. It sucks and it’s hard and there are times I just want to give up. But, I want a baby more.

I am so sad that I won’t have a genetic connection to my baby. I am so angry that my body doesn’t work like most women’s bodies do. I am so angry at myself for some of the choices I made in the past. I thought I had made my peace with using donor eggs that I had grieved the loss of my eggs; mourned what might have been. Apparently not so much.

Our conversation in the car this morning also brought something else into focus. I am so done with clinics and giving myself injections and popping pills and vitamins and Chinese herbs. I’m done with daily blood draws and internal exams and all of the bullshit that goes with that. I know that all those REs offer me are false hope and a roller coaster of emotions. I am sick of the constant cycle of hope and disappointment.

A dear blogfriend wrote this morning that she had made a connection to an infertility expert who deals with POF. There was so much hope radiating from her blog. For a moment I was stunned by it and jealousy shot through me at lightning speed. A part of me felt ripped off that I hadn’t found this man and given myself a better shot. You see that was what I thought I was doing when I went from Dr. H to Dr H2.0. Then I read about the vitamins and supplements that he suggested she take. I realized that there would most likely be more poking and prodding and realized again that I do not want that. There are no guarantees in life, if I had found him it doesn’t mean that things would have been different for me, it may have just meant that I spent more time in this personal hell. I realized that I am done being a hamster on that particular wheel. I hope this man works wonders for my blogfriend, that before the year is out she will be celebrating her pregnancy and awaiting the birth of her child. That is her path to travel and I’ve found mine.

I know that donor eggs may not work, there’s really only about a 60 to 70% chance of it working. There are no guarantees that after our trip in April that I will be pregnant.
But, the process is so much less invasive than what I’ve been going through that I am willing to give it a couple of shots.

Despite knowing that I’m doing the right thing for me, I’m still extremely sad (doesn’t seem a big enough word) that these are my circumstances. I’m still disoriented to find myself here. I really should just go home and cry.

Edited to Add: I really did think I was pregnant this month. I had crazy symptoms. Like cramping and the feeling of fullness, sore boobs, shooting pains in my boobs, acute smell, dizziness the list goes on. It's amazing the things the brain can produce when you want something so much.

What Will They Think of Next?

This article was on msnb.com today (source link is at the bottom)

Like Babies, Embryos Like to be Rocked Too.

Like babies that can be lulled to sleep with swaying, embryos also prefer to be rocked.

By gently rocking embryos while they grew during in vitro fertilization, scientists increased pregnancy rates in mice by more than 20 percent. The same rock-a-bye procedure could lead to more success for in vitro fertilization in humans, the researchers say.

"One of our goals for years now has been to modify how we grow embryos in the lab to be more like how they grow in the human body, because we know that the human body grows them most efficiently," said Gary Smith, associate professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

Current IVF procedures involve joining an egg and sperm in a culture that incubates in a petri dish, remaining still, for a few days before the embryo gets placed into the woman's womb. That's nothing like what happens naturally in a woman's body, Smith said, where fluids are flowing and there's always movement.

Even so, that's what's out there, and the technique can help the one in six couples with infertility problems, Smith said. However, not only is IVF costly and often not covered by insurance, the success rate is only about 35 percent, Smith said.

"If we could increase that, even just to 45 percent, that's significant," Smith said. "We're making healthier embryos, which not only can improve pregnancy rates, but also could allow us to transfer fewer embryos per cycle and reduce the incidence of twins and triplets."

Smith and his colleagues built a device that imitates the motion embryos experience in the body as they make their way down a mammal's oviduct (a woman's Fallopian tube) to the uterus.

"By making the cells feel more at home, we get better cells, which is key to having better infertility treatment," said study researcher Shu Takayama, an associate professor of biomedical engineering at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

The device consists of a thimble-sized funnel, and at the bottom of the funnel are tiny channels that allow nutrient-rich fluids to flow in and waste to move out.

The funnel sits on rows of Braille pins programmed to pulse up and down, pushing fluids in and out of the microchannels. The pulsing simulates motion in the body that ultimately pushes fertilized eggs into the uterus and flushes out an egg's waste products.

"It gets this periodic rocking or fluid flow," Takayama said. "The amazing thing is that the embryos seem to notice."

To test out the embryo cradle of sorts, the team incubated early-stage mouse embryos, each about the size of a pencil tip, in either a static dish (similar to current IVF methods) or in the new rocking device. They found the rocked embryos were much healthier and robust after four days compared with the still ones.

(For typical IVF procedures in humans, a woman's egg is fertilized with sperm in a petri dish and three to five days later the embryo is placed into the woman's womb, according to the National Institutes of Health.)

Source: Current IVF procedures involve joining an egg and sperm in a culture that incubates in a petri dish, remaining still, for a few days before the embryo gets placed into the woman's womb. That's nothing like what happens naturally in a woman's body, Smith said, where fluids are flowing and there's always movement.

Even so, that's what's out there, and the technique can help the one in six couples with infertility problems, Smith said. However, not only is IVF costly and often not covered by insurance, the success rate is only about 35 percent, Smith said.

"If we could increase that, even just to 45 percent, that's significant," Smith said. "We're making healthier embryos, which not only can improve pregnancy rates, but also could allow us to transfer fewer embryos per cycle and reduce the incidence of twins and triplets."

Smith and his colleagues built a device that imitates the motion embryos experience in the body as they make their way down a mammal's oviduct (a woman's Fallopian tube) to the uterus.

"By making the cells feel more at home, we get better cells, which is key to having better infertility treatment," said study researcher Shu Takayama, an associate professor of biomedical engineering at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

The device consists of a thimble-sized funnel, and at the bottom of the funnel are tiny channels that allow nutrient-rich fluids to flow in and waste to move out.

The funnel sits on rows of Braille pins programmed to pulse up and down, pushing fluids in and out of the microchannels. The pulsing simulates motion in the body that ultimately pushes fertilized eggs into the uterus and flushes out an egg's waste products.

"It gets this periodic rocking or fluid flow," Takayama said. "The amazing thing is that the embryos seem to notice."

To test out the embryo cradle of sorts, the team incubated early-stage mouse embryos, each about the size of a pencil tip, in either a static dish (similar to current IVF methods) or in the new rocking device. They found the rocked embryos were much healthier and robust after four days compared with the still ones.

(For typical IVF procedures in humans, a woman's egg is fertilized with sperm in a petri dish and three to five days later the embryo is placed into the woman's womb, according to the National Institutes of Health.)

Source

Yesterday we had lunch with my parents' friends, the ones who know Prague quite well. They did a lot of research for us, but most of the information regarding the clinic we knew already. They were very helpful with giving us ideas about what to do and where to stay when we're in Prague. J, who is from CR, was very stern giving me fatherly advice to "not be a tourist after the implant". He told me to hunker down in my hotel room and not do anything to ruin our chances. They both were so kind and their assistance was very appreciated.

We went to a restaurant in the city called Terroni's. It's aim is to serve authentic Italian food, not North American Italian. Even the juice/pop/soda are imported Italian products. I'm not a huge fan of their food, but yesterday was good. Maybe it was the company. J picked up the bill for the 6 of us which was extremely kind and completely unexpected. He was rather smooth and sly in doing so, the bill had been returned to him before we even knew he had asked for it. None of us even saw him talk to the waitress. It's amazing how men (generally) are able to acquire this skill.

On a DE TTC note, I brought my prescription for BCP with me to work today. I'm supposed to start it on Day 1 of my next cycle. Since I'm not exactly sure when that will be, I am just going to get the prescription filled so I'll have it ready to go.

Last night I had a horrific nightmare, it was vivid and I woke myself up trying to yell for help. All I could manage to make was a horrible gurgling sound. I think I was still half asleep, though because I felt like the monster had come through my dreams and into our home. I had to fully wake myself up to be reassured that I was safe. With my heartpounding out of my chest I sat up and located the dogs sleeping on my side of the bed on the floor. If there was someone in the house they'd both be barking or running downstairs to check out the noise. Then I wondered if H had left the sliding glass door unlocked. I had to get up go downstairs and check that door as well as the others to make sure they were in fact all locked. Then I got myself a big glass of water because after all of that gurgling/screaming my throat was bone dry. This was all at about 2am-ish. You can imagine how well I slept after that. The one nice thing is that when I went back to bed, H. asked me what I was doing and I told him about the dream. He told me to hold his hand until I could get to sleep. So sweet.

3 Year Blogaversary

Wow, it's been 3 years since I wrote my first post. Back when I wrote that first post, in my heart of hearts I thought that perhaps it was going to be a struggle to get pregnant, but that it would happen. I thought naively we'll try and if it doesn't work we'll do IUI or IVF. I thought there were so many things that they could now, that medicine had progressed so far that it might be an inconvenience and it may cost us some money but that we'd get pregnant. That was before the high fsh diagnosis. That first year I went along in la la land, one of the blissfully ignorant fertiles. There is so much hope and optimism in the posts from that first year that I had to take them down as they were such painful reminders of my stupidity. At the end of that year I stopped blogging consistently and only started back up in February of 2008 with a post talking about being referred to an RE in April of that year.

That year I got the high fsh diagnosis (it was 12) and we did one IUI + injectibles around the time H. lost his job. We didn't cycle any more that year.

On my 2nd year blogaversary, I posted about a woman I know IRL that was just starting out with TTCing and how I just knew she'd get pregnant right away. Envy filled me up. She did get pregnant in 2009, twice in fact, and miscarried both times. I felt like such an asshole. 2009 was the year that I had a failed IVF, failed iui's and started ovulating really early in my cycle. It was also the year that we came to the decision to use donor eggs.

That in a nutshell has been my last 3 years. I can chronicle my treatments and failures, changes to protocol and plans, but the hardest part for me to talk about is how this affected me mentally and emotionally. I think because I only really ever scratch the surface on how I'm feeling. If I let myself actually feel the despair and pain and self-doubt and self-loathing I don't think I'd be able to get out of bed in the morning. So, I focus on the next step, the next new thing, the good things and most of all I cling to the hope that one day this will all work. That one day it will all have been worth it because we'll have made our family and moved on. My hope is that a year from now on my 4th Anniversary of my blog, I will be able to say "we did it" and will be chronicling a whole different journey.

Bad Ticker

My ticker today reads 2 months, 4 weeks and 2 days until we leave for Brno. Isn't that really just 3 months and 2 days? Weird.

Celebrity Infertility

On one of the DE boards I frequent, the topic or Jennif.er Lo.pez's recent interview came up, based on this comment:

“I … believe in God and I have a lot of faith in that, so I just felt like you don’t mess with things like that,” she told Elle. “And I guess deep down I really felt like either this is not going to happen for me or it is. You know what I mean? And if it is, it will. And if it’s not, it’s not going to.” From Elle Mag.azine's Feb issue.

She had boy/girl twins at the age of 40; while it is possible, it's not probable that she didn't use infertility treatments. And, she was seen frequenting a fertility office known for its DE program in LA.

The women on the board I frequent are angry with JL.o for her comments - it is one thing to deny treatment, while it's yet another thing to play the God card. As one person put it, infertility is a medical issue. Can you imagine someone saying "I know I have blocked arteries, but I just have to have faith in God that he will unclog them. If it happens it happens, then if not, I guess I'll die. I just don't want to mess with God's plan."

I agree that her comments are at the very least not very well thought out. There are definitely better ways that she could handle these questions. But, a lot of women are angry with her simply because she hasn't admitted that she used fertility treatments at all. I find this a little hypocritical. If you were to go to this message board, you'd see that at least once or twice a month there will be a big debate on if you are on the Tell or No Tell side of the DE argument. Some of the same women who are nailing Jenni.fer for not speaking out are also women who have not told their family/friends and are also contemplating never telling their children that they were conceived through donor eggs. Some women I know have not told anyone that they are undergoing treatment let alone donor eggs. So, does that mean that if you are a celebrity, that you are not allotted this same opportunity? Is it fair to expect someone simply because they are in the public eye to become an infertility warrior? To come out and talk openly about their choices with essentially complete strangers before their own children are old enough to comprehend the news?

I don't know. I am in the Tell column 100%. I believe that infertility is a medical issue and is not something to be ashamed of. I also believe that celebrities who have gone through infertility should be open and speak out about it because women need to be forewarned. By perpetuating the myth that women can easily get pregnant into their late 40's, these celebrities are not doing anyone any favours.

I believe that people have the right to keep whatever they want to themselves. In this instance, playing the God card seems a little over the top and a little "the lady doth protest too much"ish to me. She could have said that "ivf is a great way for women that have medical issues to build their families; it's just not something that we needed at this time". People would still be yelling liar liar, but at least she'd come down on "our" side.

Thoughts?

Run don't Walk

I mean it. If you have not read Conquering Infertility by Dr. Alice Domar & Alice Lesch Kelly, you must run out and get this book. My Naturopath recommended this book ages ago, but I did nothing about it. I finally put it on my Christmas wish list and Santa granted my wish.

I am currently on page 98 of this book and there is so much I have already taken from it. I had to tear myself away from it and come here to tell you about it. This is not just another infertility book on how to change your diet, your lifestyle and cure your infertility. It is not a book that will tell you which protocols are best for your particular issue. This book speaks to the soul. It's about the mind/body connection. It talks about strategies for handling the deep depression, sadness and pain that comes with infertility. It gives you tools for how to handle the driveby pregnancy announcements, for putting a plan in place with friends on how to deliver this kind of news.

I am reading and nodding and thinking "man, that's exactly how I feel".

Part of it deals with the difference in reactions between men and women to infertility, to af showing up month after month and to failed procedures. Something I have struggled with, because sometimes it feels like H just doesn't get it.

Anyway, I know I sound like I am gushing, but I can't help myself. I am NOT a self-help book kind of girl, I am NOT all Zen and touchy-feely although I can see the merits in leaning that way. I just think that when I come across something that speaks so accurately, intensely and on such a relate-able level about infertility and how it feels, that I just have to share it with my sisters.

ETA - In response to a couple of the comments, I felt it was necessary to add the following. I did not feel at any time that the authors blamed the infertile woman for not getting pregnant because she's too stressed out/anxious/depressed and I did not feel like the authors were saying that if you do "x" you will get pregnant. That wasn't written anywhere and I don't feel like it was even hinted at. The authors have done a lot of mind/body work with infertile patients, they give anecdotal reports and research numbers that show that because infertility is such an overwhelming medical issue - many infertile women are depressed and don't even know the extent of it. They point out that some women who have used the tools provided have gone on to get pregnant - they were very specific in the percentages - at no time do they give/intimate a guarantee. That is not the basis of the book nor the meat of the book. For me, the tools for handling stress and anxiety for a better overall sense of well-being are what stood out. Just my 2 cents. Also, I wasn't looking for a book that will get me pregnant, I was looking for something that can help me cope and that's what I found.

Ovulating Early

So, as you are aware, we are going to Czech in April for donor eggs. This month is our last month of trying with my own eggs. I thought December was going to be our last, but I don't have to start BCP until next month, so we get 1 more shot. What a joke! I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but when I have a cycle where I'm using progesterone supplements the following cycle has me ovulating early. I think it's because my body knows I'm not pregnant and just starts onto the next cycle and my AF gets out of synch with the rest of my hormones. I am on CD 5 and have globs of EWCM. We're going to take advantage of it tonight and for the next couple of days. I just feel like this is another kick in the teeth from the universe. Hmm. Or, if I want to look at this optimistically, it could be a sign from the universe that DE is the correct path for us.

Time will tell.

Knowing

Sometimes I am thankful for the road I have had to travel over the last few years. I have learned so much about my body and how it works. I have educated myself on all things infertility, hormone levels, procedures, protocols - you name it. I've done research on where things are heading, what will the next big thing be. I have even gotten a little political. I'm not alone in this, it seems that most of us make these decisions to educate ourselves and be our own best advocate. This also allows us to talk to other women that are just entering this road about what they can expect and questions to ask. It actually makes me feel useful and almost worth it to have travelled along so long.

There are times when I see one of these women that's been given wrong information or false hope and I know that they are headed for disappointment. But, I don't say anything because who am I to take away their hope. The choice is to give them knowledge with a penalty of marring their path. So, I sit back and hope that this time I'm wrong.

A dear friend of mine, recently became pregnant unexpectedly after many months/years of trying. She jumped whole-heartedly into the "I'm pregnant" way of thinking, the joy thoroughly took her over. I was and am incredibly happy for her, she got her miracle! But, there was this little voice in the back of my mind whispering "slow down". Be cautious is what I wanted to tell her, enjoy it, but be cautious. I read today that her beta did not rise very much. I can only imagine her disappointment and fear. I hope that this is just a blip or a lab error, and that in fact, things are moving the way that they should.

This way of thinking has me a little concerned... when I finally get my bfp am I going to be able to embrace it, or am I going to proceed with caution and concern. Will I be constantly afraid of being too happy about receiving the one thing that I've been praying for? I want to be on the sailing over the moon, shouting it from the rooftops side of things, but I think I'll settle for being cautiously optimistic.

Big Step Forward

Well, our flights and accomodations are booked - there's almost no turning back now. Unless a miracle happens, we will be flying out of Toronto on April 13th at 8:00pm, we then land in Munich at 10:05am on April 14th (it's an 8hr and 5 min flight). At 3:30pm we depart Munich for Prague - arriving at 4:20pm. Then we fly from Prague at 5:30pm arriving in Brno at 6:15pm. We stay overnight and on the morning of the 15th we go to the clinic for H's deposit and the donor will have her egg retrieval. We leave that afternoon to go to Prague by train. We'll be there for two nights, returning to Brno on the evening of the 17th because ET can occur on the 18th so we have to be back just in case. The rest of our time will be spent in Brno, unless we decide to do a day trip to Vienna. We fly out of Brno (10:05am) to Prague (10:50am), Prague (1:50pm) to Frankfurt (3:00pm) then Frankfurt (5:00pm) to Toronto (7:35pm). I'm already tired thinking of all of that flying and waiting around airports!

Back to the present time, I did not call in my CD1. I don't want to spend any time at the clinic before we go to Czech. I also don't want to spend any more money there. They've refused to help us with the one transvaginal u/s I need prior to leaving. Not sure how I'm going to handle that - where to get one, but I'm sure it will work itself out.

It feels like a new chapter is about to open up in front of us. I like it.

I feel like I should be writing something, but I'm not sure what I want to say. After two negative HPTs, I stopped my crinone last Tuesday and then I waited and waited for my period to start. I just felt like December was supposed to be my month, my time to finally be pregnant. I really felt it in my soul. I would see the BFN and think "that's not right". I was wrong. Instead of my normal start to my period (it usually just appears), I had dribs and drabs of brown then red blood starting yesterday morning. Today it seems to be here en force, but it's just a little lighter than usual (so far). Now I have to decide whether to call in my Day 1 or not. We have a follow up appointment with my RE on January 18th - I think that's the appointment where he tells me he can no longer help me. Truthfully, I don't think he ever thought he could help me/us. I am bitter about that. Bitter that I didn't find someone who wanted to fight for me as badly as I want to fight for myself.

Today we are going to look at flights & hotels and book our trip to the Czech Republic. We have one more month before I have to start taking bcp, so we're going to try and make the most of it. But, if 36 months of trying haven't made it happen for us, I'm not sure that one month will be the difference. I am still mourning a biological child, I know I'll never hear the words "s/he looks a lot like you". It seems so silly and petty to me, yet it's what I feel. We saw the movie the.blind.side on Friday night. It was excellent. If you're not aware of the storyline, it's about a white upper class family that adopts a poor black teenage boy who just happens to be an excellent athlete. It is clear that this child is loved by the family, that he is definitely a part of the family - as much as her biological children. It reminded me that we are so capable of incredible, selfless love. I will love my de child as if s/he is my bio child. There will be a day that I will not be able to imagine not having the child in my life. Does that make sense?

This just reminded me of something my Mom said over the Christmas holidays. She was talking about a woman that she worked with that used donor eggs. My mother referred to her as "just the carrier". Sigh. I just let it go, we were in the middle of talking about epigenetics and the role that the carrier plays (it's much more than that of just carrier, feeder, sustainer of life). I thought we were making headway until my Mom came out with that. She did look rather sheepish afterwards, I know that her heart is in the right place, but she really knows how to take the wind out of a girl's sales.

Oh well, when I get right down to it, I just want to be a Mom and see H. be a Dad.

2009 – The Year in Review

I have to admit I’m happy to see this year almost over. It hasn’t been a stellar year. It marked my highest FSH reading to date – 19.9, a couple failed IUIs, a failed IVF, a change of clinics (the grass wasn’t any greener), month after month of monitored natural cycles and finally an acceptance of moving on to donor eggs. I have made lots of bloggy friends, found lots of love and support here in the inter world. I hope I have given back as much as I have received.

Despite the fertility stuff, which tends to takeover everything and which is the main focus of this blog, in other areas life has been pretty good. TOUCH WOOD. H. has been gainfully employed and has flourished in his new job that he started in December 2008 (oops that should be since November 2008 - sorry H!). He even got a raise recently. We rented a cottage in July that was wonderful. I am luckily in a role where I have a little freedom, make ok money and have about 5 weeks of vacation a year. Our friends and families are happy and healthy. We did lose Y this year, in her 89th year. So, our year was not completely tragedy free. There were ups and downs throughout the year, but in the end I think they pretty much balance out. I feel like H. and I have taken another step towards each other and to understanding each other. Even after almost 10 years together we are still negotiating our space and learning about each other. It awes me that I have found someone who is so devoted to me. Not sure how I got so lucky.

I’m sure 2010 will again be a series of ups & downs, lows & highs, but I am also sure it’s the year I will be pregnant and we’ll be on our way to fulfilling our family.

The New Year represents a clean slate to me, can’t wait to see what I write all over it.

ETA: I wrote this post last week. I forgot that I had written it. H's uncle died on Christmas day, we spent the last couple of days driving to and from Ottawa for the funeral. (about a 4 to 5 hour drive each way). ON a TTC note, this year did not end the way I wanted it to... BFN, I was really hoping for my own little Christmas miracle. I've just been away from the blogs, not posting, not commenting. I'm sorry, I just had to pull back a little bit. For those of you about to POAS I salute you.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you have a wonderful day filled with love and laughter.

It's Going Around

I have a sniffly nose (not really congested, don't really have to blow my nose, it's more like post-nasal drip), sneezing occasionally my great big booming sneezes and I'm bone-tired. My co-workers are all feeling like this. Our whole team has this stupid bug. That's why I feel so tired, there is a little woe is me in there, but it's mainly the bug.

Finished buying for my bro and his girlfriend, I have a couple more things to buy for my parents, a couple things to buy for my FIL and a few things for H. I'm slowly getting to the end of my Christmas shopping. Thank goodness the store opens at 8am.

My friends and I were talking about Christmas specials the other day. One of my absolute faves is "Nes.tor the Long-eared Chris.tmas Don.key". It's animated in the same vein as Rudolph. I just loved it as a kid. My favourite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, Scrooged, White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, Elf and I think that's it.

What are yours?

Longing

H and I went for breakfast with his Dad yesterday and then made our way to the Eat.on Centr.e for a little Christmas shopping. We were on our way to Wil.liams and So.noma when we passed the Santa Claus and the line of smiling anxious children and parents. Santa was good, I mean really good. I mean Miracle on 34th St good. He had a great red suit trimmed with faux fur and a real beard. The little kid in me jumped for joy when she saw him. We meandered past the group and up to the next level to the store. I decided I'd wait outside, which meant I could lean on the banister of the upper level and look down to the ground below where families were getting their picture taken with Santa. My heart ached as family after family placed their kids on Santa's knee. It was such a heart warming scene to be privy to, but also it just killed me. I held back the tears as the longing swelled inside of me. I want to be a Mom placing her child on Santa's knee, taking his / her picture or laughing as the child makes shy. It hurt to watch the scene below, but I just couldn't turn away.

H, and my parents and my brother and my father in law have all asked me what I want for Christmas, they asked me to provide a list. I don't need a list for that, there's really only one thing that I want. All I want for Christmas is to have a healthy baby; to have our family be completed.

So Tired...

Yawn. I am so exhausted. I am fighting off a cold and all I want to do is sleep. On top of that I just started the Crinone last night... was supposed to start the day before. And, I am just done with everything. I'm done with work and I'm done with my co-workers and I'm done with this year. I haven't got all of my Christmas stuff done and I'm completely over this holiday.

I can't believe how much stuff I have left to do. I have my Dad, H's Dad, my brother and his girlfriend and my Grandmother to buy for still. Oh and I also have to finish buying H's gifts and buy all the stuff to fill his stocking. Did I mention that all I really feel like doing is sleeping.

And, I have been eating nothing but crap. I've gained 3lbs and feel disgusting.

Do you think I could be depressed? I have felt like this for so long I don't even know if it really is just being tired or just being tired of everything. I can't wait for 2010 and a fresh perspective on things.

Done at the Clinic for 2009

This morning apparently I had a conversation with H wherein I told him that I wasn't going to the clinic today because I overslept. (The conversation took place around 6am). Well, H. being H. he took me at my word and was lolly gagging around our house. Having no recollection of the conversation, I of course was hounding him "when are you going to be ready, what do you have left to do, are you going to be ready soon etc etc" After not getting anywhere with him and starting to be in serious jeopardy of missing the clinic hours I said "It's 5 to 8am, I have to go to the clinic, when are you going to be ready?!" (ok, it may have been yelled). This is when I found out that I had told him I wasn't going to the clinic. We then ran around like crazy, got ready, and made it to the clinic by 8:33. Luckily they don't close up shop right at 8:30. I literally walked in, signed the clipboard and as I was putting the pen down they brought me in for blood work, while having my blood taken I was told to go straight back for the ultra sound. I then met with the nurse and was out of there I'd say within 10 to 15 minutes. Nurse R told me that my follie was at 1.65 - up from 1.45 yesterday. I didn't ask about my lining (have sent her an email and am awaiting news) we were just waiting to see what my estrogen is today. I was hoping we could last one more day - my estrogen was at almost 400 yesterday and I was hoping it would get to 500 as that is optimal. Well, I got the call and my blood work is back. My body has different plans for me. LH is up over 100, estrogen is down to 338. So, we have sex tonight and I start crinone tomorrow. The clinic closes on Saturday so I don't go back there for the rest of the year. I'm supposed to take a HPT on December 29th and if it's positive go back to the clinic on January 4th for a beta.

There's a small chance that we're still in the game. I'm going to cling to that little glimmer of promise.

Edited to Add: My lining is at a fluffy 1.1 today; on Friday it was .65. It's amazing to me how much things can change in a couple of days.

Oops - sorry about the bad grammar/spelling mistakes; I've corrected it now.

CD16 Update

Went to the cinic this morning. The follie is still growing - up to 1.45 from 1.1 on Friday. I go back again tomorrow and every day after that until I ovulate well, unless something weird comes back with my blood work.

That's it for now.

UPDATE: My estrogen is up, but so is my LH (50) so even though the egg is not mature and my lining is only at 6.5, it looks like I'm ovulating. We are supposed to have intercourse tonight. I go back to the clinic tomorrow.

CD14 and we have some growth

We almost missed the clinic hours again today. H. just couldn't drag his butt out of bed, I walked through the clinic door at 8:31am. The nice thing about that is that I walked in and only waited 30 seconds before being brought in for my ultra sound, then went straight in for my blood work, met with the nurse and was out of there in about 20 minutes at the most. I think this is making up for all of those times I've gotten there early and the waiting room has been packed.

News today is that I have a 0.5 on my right and a 1.1 on the left. When I met with R she told me that she thought that they would give me the weekend off, and depending on my blood work they may cancel me this cycle. I have usually ovulated by now, so this is definitely a weird cycle for me. I left the clinic hoping that I am not having another anovulatory cycle. I was a little bit down and thought this is just one more thing that is proving that it really is time for donor eggs. My body is just not cooperating with me.

Just called home and got my blood work results - Estrogen is up to 246 from 68 on Monday. They are giving me tomorrow off, but I will be going back in on Sunday. Looks like I may still be in the game after all.

A Poem

Hold on to your Dream


There's a voice that calls to some of us
From somewhere deep inside
A voice that will not give us peace,
Until at least we've tried
To catch that bright elusive star
Though foolish it may seem
To those not driven as we are
To hold on to a dream

It's not just thoughts of fame and wealth
That keep us hanging on
When others would have given up
When all but hope is gone
And sometimes even hope grows dim
But casts its faintest beam,
We wonder if it's worth it all
To hold on to a dream

And then that voice inside of us
That others cannot know
Tells us our chance will surely come,
That we must not let go
If we can only persevere
Someday our star will gleam
And we'll know why we had to try
To hold on to that dream


Author unknown

Confirmed Date

This whole donor egg thing is really going to happen. I don't know why I'm so shocked by this. When I got home from work yesterday there was a couple of emails awaiting me from myivfalternative. One was an email detailing travel information and coordinator information for our trip to Brno, the other was an email from my coordinator. We have a coordinator now named Sue. She seems nice and she's based out of LA which works out nicely for us because that means we can contact her after work here and it's still business hours for her. (We're 3 hours ahead of LA) Not only do we have a coordinator, but we have a confirmed date! We are set for April 15th. This means that we fly into Brno on April 14th, the next day H. goes to the clinic to give his "contribution" and egg retrieval takes place that day. We hopefully go back to the clinic on April 20th for a day 5 transfer. We fly home on April 22nd.

I haven't been given any donor descriptions etc yet. I think they are waiting on our medical records before they give us the info. I am waiting on our clinic to provide me with a copy of our records. I have been told that this can take 2 weeks to be completed. The clinic shuts down for the holidays on the 19th, so I hope I get my paperwork before then.

I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

Anywho, back to the clinic tomorrow for CD12 follow up. Hopefully, these follies of mine have grown and are ready to pop.

Other things

I had some other stuff up here, but I'm not comfortable posting it... wasn't sure about it before I posted and now I just took it down.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

On a completely different note, I’m not sure if I mentioned that my Mom is friends with a couple that can give me some insight into the medical system in the CR. The husband J. is from the CR and is currently in Prague, he knows a woman who is a nurse so he inquired on our behalf about the clinic and the care provided. Word back is that the clinic is very good and the care is excellent. She’s even looking into alternatives and going to provide more feedback on specific doctors. I’m so touched that he would go out of his way for us. It turns out that this couple knows first hand about infertility. In the eighties, M (the wife) went to the best fertility doctors in Toronto, she was 40 years old. They told her she was too old to do anything. They wouldn’t work with her at all, I don’t even know if donor eggs was an option back then, but she was told outright that they wouldn’t help her. I don’t know if they looked into adoption or just decided to live child free at that time. They know our pain and want to help us. I am extremely thankful for/to them.

I can almost imagine the conversation M had with her doctor. It’s pretty close to the donor egg speech, but at least there’s still something that can be done for me. This has also pointed out to me just how far medical care has come. Who knows, in 20 or 30 years, there may be something that they can do to help women with high fsh or diminished ovarian reserve. Maybe there will be a test that they can do at a younger age that will help women make informed decisions about their fertility.

CD9 check up today, I almost missed the appointment – showed up at 8:31 and the clinic is supposed to close at 8:30. The nice thing right now is that the clinic isn’t very busy because they’re closing soon for the holidays. I basically walk in get my blood work done and head straight back for an ultrasound. I’m in and out of there in around 20 minutes.

I should hear back later today as to how the follies are doing… it didn’t seem like there were any there – maybe 1 – and also find out about my estrogen.

UPDATE: Apparently I have .5 on my left and a .4 on my right. Estrogen is up to 68. I go back on Thursday for my next follow up. Weird.

Today's follow up.

Went in for my cd7 follow up appointment. Still nothing on my left ovary and still 3 small ones on my right. I am so hopeful that this month we'll actually make it to IUI and not be told "oops you're ovulating early, nothing we can do, go forth and fornicate". They also tested my prolactin today, not sure why and at this point I can't be bothered asking.

I talked to my nurse about the clots etc and it was definitely not a chemical pregnancy. She said that fibroids or cysts in the ute can often throw clots like that. I have had two SHGs (one just a few months ago) and both came back as normal pertaining my ute. I hope it was just my body clearing out the old stuff and hopefully making a nice little nest for our future babe.

Today I gave a friend a link to a site that lists successes for women with high fsh. The women all list how far along they are and also the method they used to get pregnant. I find that this list can give women like me so much hope and faith in what we're doing. However, the longer I go along dealing with this crap I feel like those women are the exceptions not the rule. There are exceptions and I pray that I will be one, but the majority of women like me will not get pregnant naturally and will not get pregnant via IVF because we don't produce enough eggs. I wish there was a magic potion I could take that would guarantee that I could move from being the rule to the exception. I wish I knew how the women that became exceptions got on that magical list. What did they do that I didn't? How are they more deserving than I am? This is one of the main reasons that I have (we have) decided to go with donor eggs. I do believe that if persistence was the only factor that eventually we will become pregnant. But, I don't want to go through the next god know's how many months/years counting days, and having forced, baby-making sessions, and being poked & prodded. There is no guarantee in anything - even adoption, but I want to give myself and my husband the best chances of forming a family while we're still young enough to appreciate it.

That said, I'm still hoping for a miracle, since we have essentially got the date of April 15th, it means I don't have to start taking BCP until February. We have two cycles left. Please let there be a miracle for us.

UPDATE
My estrogen actually dropped to 40 from 65 so I don't have to go back to the clinic until Monday. I found out why they are testing my prolactin. Actually, it's a re-test. Apparently they test for prolactin every 6 months. My last one came back slightly eleveated so that's not good and they are sending it to a provincial lab to be re-tested. I've researched elevated prolactin, and in terms of fertility it's not a good thing as it interferes with implantation. It can be linked to hypothyroidism, pcos, or a tumour on the pituitary gland. It's treatable with meds. How fucking ironic, we decide to move to donor eggs and now I may have a problem with implantation. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but seriously, why does this have to happen. Isn't running out of eggs at age 38 enough of a kick in the head?

Virtual Rally Today

Today is the day for the virutal email rally to the Ontario government to remind them that it's time to cover IVF as part of OHIP.

Here's the link in case you want to get in on it. The rally is at Noon, but even if you can't hit that time, it's better late than never.

http://www.conceivabledreams.org

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

So, as a part of my CD3 appointment, I talked to the nurse and let her know that we're going forward with donor eggs. I asked her for some medical information and also asked if they would do my cd 12/14 ultrasound prior to flying to CR for egg transfer. She said she'd talk to the dr. Well, when she called she told me that Dr. H2.0 would not work with me - e.g. he won't give me a fucking u/s that I'd pay for, and also if I want the medical information I can pay for a copy of my file (I think that's around $200). Asshole. Oh, and he wants to have a follow up appointment with me in January. What's he going to say... we tried naturally with me and it's not going to happen that way so we should move to donor eggs?! What could this man possibly tell me that I don't already know. I'm so disappointed in my experience with him. I was told that he liked a puzzle and would be aggressive in treatment. In fact, he likes the 'easy' solutions, is not aggressive and charges the most money in the city for his middle of the road approach.

As a bonus, I am going through a bit of a mind fuck because I think I had a chemical pg. TMI coming... I had two or three huge clots on Monday afternoon. Clots so big that I actually had to force them out of my cervix. Clots so big I could feel them slide down my canal. It was gross and a little scary, but not painful at all. I didn't detail my symptoms at all over the two week wait. I had extremely sore nipples, nausea, cramping etc. I even emailed myivfalternative to find out if we'd lose our deposit if I was pregnant. Maybe it was all in my head, but man if that's the case where they heck did those clots come from. How does that even happen?

On the donor egg front, we have faxed our contract to the company. I called and spoke with Mag yesterday to make sure she'd received them. She told me that she had received the docs and then started asking me about when we want to cycle. It's weird it sounds like they have pools of donors based on blood type. So, if we went with a B+ donor we could cycle as soon as March 18th. H & I are O+ and A+ respectively, so we could never have a child that is B+. Not that it matters really. But, we decided that if we're going to go with donor eggs then we should choose a donor that is as close to us (me) as possible. So, we decided to wait until the O+/A+ donor pool is available - April 15th. We have a date that we're working towards!