Thursday, March 24, 2011

3 months old and planning to try again

Yesterday was the official 3 month anniversary of Little G's birth. Time is flying! She is doing so well, babbling away, smiling like crazy and sleeping through the night. She is trying to rollover now and she is so determined I cannot help but laugh at her when she squeals in frustration. (that doesn't sound very nice, but I mean it in the most loving way).

H and I have been talking a lot about when to try for another. I am so torn. In theory I want G to have a sibling and we want them close in age. Also I am not getting any younger and that puts pressure on me as well. I just love spending time with G and I don't want to take attention away from her. But when it comes down to it, I want to try. And, that means in November we will, GULP, be going back to Brno for a FET. I guess it is more than just a theoretical want. Oh ya, the trip to Hawaii is off. After a lot of thought, I realized that having an 11 month old with us would be a hindereance to the type of trip I want to take e.g., whale watching, snorkelling etc. Hawaii is just too far to go to just sit on a beach and have your schedule dictated by an infant. So, November is now back on for our fet.

I think I have mentioned here that I still have the dream of a spontaneous pregnancy. I thought that perhaps having been pregnant, that my body might get thumped back into a more fertile state. Boy was I wrong! My second cycle post partum was 19 days long. Fuck. I am still incredibly infertile. Blah!

When I was pregnant it was the most feminine and right I have ever felt in my body. I so want to experience that again. I know, that for those of you reading this who are still struggling to achieve a pregnancy that I sound whiny and unappreciative of what I havebeen given. Maybe you'd be right. The fertiles of the world don't have to give this any thought, if they want another child they simply try for and have another. Infertiles have to go through the struggle all over again and then bear the weight of the judgement of worthiness from other infertiles. The guilt of not being satisfied with one child even if you still feel your family is incomplete, even if the picture of the family you have wanted since you were first asked at the age of 12 if you wanted children is still incomplete weighs heavily on me. I used to be the infertile that would silently think "why can't she be happy with one?" , so I know those feelings exist. I understand if it makes it hard for people to be supportive of this and understand if you stop reading...if you are even still reading along.