Today I caught myself thinking about our trip to CR and found myself smiling. Smiling?! Then, when thinking about my cousin, I thought about having little ones close to the same age... you know if things work in April. And, I felt this little ripple of excitement, it was just a little buzz of electricity that ran up my belly. Uh oh, and now that good old emotion of hope has just popped in to say hello. Yikes, usually I'm good at fending off these positive emotions. You know some how protecting myself from some inevitable disappointment,it's a bizarre form of self-preservation. It's so much easier to be the grizzled, cynical, infertile than the bright-eyed, optimistic, hopeful one.
Or at least I thought it was easier, but you know what... I don't like living like that. That's not who I am. I want to be hopeful and optimistic and expectant of good things. I've gotten so used to things not going right that I've forgotten what it feels like to have that ripple of excitement roll through my body.
Logicaly, I know it's better to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I just don't want to be logical. Logic be damned! Today I'm going to be hopeful and optimistic, there are good things in my future.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Monday, February 08, 2010
I'm not an Ogre
My brother's birthday party was a big hit! The masks were awesome and he had a great time. On top of that, the food was tasty and affordable. A job well done overall. On Sunday I got a phonecall from my Mom. I knew it wasn't going to go very well because of her tone of voice. You know how you just *know* when it's going to be bad news? Well, I was wrong it was extremely good news, but delivered as follows:
Me: Hello
Mom: Hi SweetG, how are you?
Me: (thinking uh oh, what's up)Fine, did you have a good time last night...blah blah blah.
Mom: Blah blah, just got off the phone with Aunt M. Your cousin L is pregnant.
Me: That's amazing news!
Mom: Aunt M was afraid to tell you. (crying)
Me: (sigh) I'm so happy for L&D.
The conversation went on from there...but the "she was afraid to tell you" line gets me. I'm not an ogre. I can feel happiness and joy for the people I love when good things happen in their lives... even when it's about a pregnancy. Of course, I feel sad for myself. And of course I hung up the phone and swore at the world and sobbed "It's just not fucking fair!". But, along side of that pain and sorrow is pure joy for my cousin. This is my favouritest cousin. She is like my little sister and she & her fiancé are going to make incredible parents.
It was an oops. Neither of them have steady jobs or health benefits. She is significantly overweight and has thyroid issues (she's starting synthroid today), she's in early menopause. And she's pregnant. See there's a little teensy bit of bitterness there for me. We are essentially the same but I'm 5 years older. This makes H. kick himself and blame himself and start with the old "if only I hadn't made us wait" game of self-blame. To which I say... neither of us was ready, we made that decision together and there are no guarantees that anything would be different now. Then H. said the best thing he could have said in the situation; he said "Just think 2 years from now we'll have our child(ren) and they'll have theirs and we won't be in this place any more." While there are no guarantees that things will work. I had lost that hope and I needed to be reminded that while I'm (we're) strugggling through things right now they won't always be this way. This too shall pass.
So, I choose to believe that we will be successful.
Me: Hello
Mom: Hi SweetG, how are you?
Me: (thinking uh oh, what's up)Fine, did you have a good time last night...blah blah blah.
Mom: Blah blah, just got off the phone with Aunt M. Your cousin L is pregnant.
Me: That's amazing news!
Mom: Aunt M was afraid to tell you. (crying)
Me: (sigh) I'm so happy for L&D.
The conversation went on from there...but the "she was afraid to tell you" line gets me. I'm not an ogre. I can feel happiness and joy for the people I love when good things happen in their lives... even when it's about a pregnancy. Of course, I feel sad for myself. And of course I hung up the phone and swore at the world and sobbed "It's just not fucking fair!". But, along side of that pain and sorrow is pure joy for my cousin. This is my favouritest cousin. She is like my little sister and she & her fiancé are going to make incredible parents.
It was an oops. Neither of them have steady jobs or health benefits. She is significantly overweight and has thyroid issues (she's starting synthroid today), she's in early menopause. And she's pregnant. See there's a little teensy bit of bitterness there for me. We are essentially the same but I'm 5 years older. This makes H. kick himself and blame himself and start with the old "if only I hadn't made us wait" game of self-blame. To which I say... neither of us was ready, we made that decision together and there are no guarantees that anything would be different now. Then H. said the best thing he could have said in the situation; he said "Just think 2 years from now we'll have our child(ren) and they'll have theirs and we won't be in this place any more." While there are no guarantees that things will work. I had lost that hope and I needed to be reminded that while I'm (we're) strugggling through things right now they won't always be this way. This too shall pass.
So, I choose to believe that we will be successful.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Stars
Lately, at night when I have the dogs outside for the pre-bed bathroom break I have been taking a moment to look up at the sky and just breathing it in. I love the winter sky on a clear night. The stars look like I could reach up and touch them. I love being able to spot Orion’s belt and just letting the moment seep into me. In our family folklore we tell the kids that when someone dies they become a star looking down on us. So, if you need a visit, you just have to look up into the sky. I tell myself that the first star I see at night is my Grandpa looking down on me. I get to say a quick hello and then, even though I am not religious, I thank God for the night.
Even last night, with the sky covered in clouds and the snow coming down, I was able to remember back to earlier nights just like that. Where it’s not really that cold, and you can feel the snowflakes melting on your cheeks and eyelashes only on those nights I would have been a kid tobogganing or skating. Instead, I was chasing the pups around in the snow.
These are moments that fill me up and give me a simple joy. But, they are also moments that make me sad. I want to be able to point to the sky and say to my child, “see that star up there, that’s your Great Grandpa. Look quick because when he twinkles he’s saying hello.” I want to make new memories of playing in the snow with my children and hearing their laughter echo through the snowfall.
Edited to answer a couple questions:
Val asked if my dogs like snow... the quick answer is Yes, the pups love the snow. They dig their noses in it and roll around in it and generally act like pigs in sh*t.
And, Lost in Space asked if we see the stars like she did in Death Valley. I guess what we'd see is somewhere in between. I'm in Toronto - which has about 2.5 million people in the city, it is part of the GTA (Greater Toronto Area) which is the city and its surrounding area which has a population of 5.5 million. Lots of highrises and lights here too. I live about a 20 minute drive from downtown and I guess far enough that I can see some stars, but I have never seen the milky way unless I've been up in cottage country far away from the city lights.
Even last night, with the sky covered in clouds and the snow coming down, I was able to remember back to earlier nights just like that. Where it’s not really that cold, and you can feel the snowflakes melting on your cheeks and eyelashes only on those nights I would have been a kid tobogganing or skating. Instead, I was chasing the pups around in the snow.
These are moments that fill me up and give me a simple joy. But, they are also moments that make me sad. I want to be able to point to the sky and say to my child, “see that star up there, that’s your Great Grandpa. Look quick because when he twinkles he’s saying hello.” I want to make new memories of playing in the snow with my children and hearing their laughter echo through the snowfall.
Edited to answer a couple questions:
Val asked if my dogs like snow... the quick answer is Yes, the pups love the snow. They dig their noses in it and roll around in it and generally act like pigs in sh*t.
And, Lost in Space asked if we see the stars like she did in Death Valley. I guess what we'd see is somewhere in between. I'm in Toronto - which has about 2.5 million people in the city, it is part of the GTA (Greater Toronto Area) which is the city and its surrounding area which has a population of 5.5 million. Lots of highrises and lights here too. I live about a 20 minute drive from downtown and I guess far enough that I can see some stars, but I have never seen the milky way unless I've been up in cottage country far away from the city lights.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Just breathe
The party on Friday was excellent. We drank a lot of bubbly, listened to 80s music, watched 80s movies (Footloose and Dirty Dancing) and laughed a lot. The room we got was excellent and accomodated everyone. And, I loved getting my mani done. Oh and the cupcakes were divine. I think T had a mini breakdown - she's not handling this birthday very well, but overall I'm pretty sure she had a good time.
Next thing to get ready for is P's 30th birthday. I cut his picture out over and over again and now just have to get sticks to paste the masks on. I think he's going to love them.
I've been feeling pretty good since I went to my naturopath on Thursday. But, on Sunday I had that heavy feeling creeping back in. So I took some of the valeriacalm that she suggested. At first it made me feel a little loopy, but after a while I just felt calm again and the heaviness fell away. I think part of what has been weighing on me is some bad news that has occurred over the past week on the boards that I visit. 3 women all pregnant after IF had losses last week. One, a natural surprise bfp, lost her little monkey after having seen the heartbeat. One, pregant with twins via IVF, lost both after having seen the heartbeats. And, one also pregnant with twins via IVF, lost one of her little guys after having seen the heartbeats. You would think that women who have to go through infertility to finally have success would be given a free pass once they are pregnant. It truly shows just how unfair things can be and the complete randomness of everything.
There is no easy part of this battle. We fight and fight to get pregnant. Then magically one day it happens. Then we fight and fight to stay pregnant. Will the fear follow us through every step of our children's lives? When does it stop and we can just breathe?
Next thing to get ready for is P's 30th birthday. I cut his picture out over and over again and now just have to get sticks to paste the masks on. I think he's going to love them.
I've been feeling pretty good since I went to my naturopath on Thursday. But, on Sunday I had that heavy feeling creeping back in. So I took some of the valeriacalm that she suggested. At first it made me feel a little loopy, but after a while I just felt calm again and the heaviness fell away. I think part of what has been weighing on me is some bad news that has occurred over the past week on the boards that I visit. 3 women all pregnant after IF had losses last week. One, a natural surprise bfp, lost her little monkey after having seen the heartbeat. One, pregant with twins via IVF, lost both after having seen the heartbeats. And, one also pregnant with twins via IVF, lost one of her little guys after having seen the heartbeats. You would think that women who have to go through infertility to finally have success would be given a free pass once they are pregnant. It truly shows just how unfair things can be and the complete randomness of everything.
There is no easy part of this battle. We fight and fight to get pregnant. Then magically one day it happens. Then we fight and fight to stay pregnant. Will the fear follow us through every step of our children's lives? When does it stop and we can just breathe?
Friday, January 29, 2010
The BCP is making me feel like I'm pregnant. I'm emotional (crying at the drop of a hat), I feel bloated and full and my boobs are sore. The things we put our body through to get pregnant! I have already forgotten to take my pill twice. Very irresponsible of me. But, I figure I'm not trying to prevent pregnancy, just getting the timing down for my DE cycle so I'm all good.
Still feeling better, I was lying in bed talking with H last night and explaining how much lighter I felt. The acupuncture relieved so much of the built up tension in my body. I slept really well last night as well. Which is good since I have a big night planned for this evening.
It's one of my best friend's 40th birthday next week. We are holding a girls' night for her tonight. We've rented a suite at a hotel downtown and are having a big pyjama party. We're going to listen to 80's music and watch 80's movies. We're going to eat junk food and hang out. We're also having a manicurist come to the room to give us manis. It's going to be so much fun! I'm in charge of the cake, so I went to an awesome little cupcake shop in the Beach (a neighbourhood in Toronto) and got two dozen mini cupcakes - half double chocolate and half lemon. Yum! I was going to bake them myself, but I can't ice them as well as the professionals and I wanted something a little nicer for my girl T.
Then next weekend is my little bro's 30th birthday. I'm helping to plan it with his girlfriend. We've never communicated this much. She's a really nice girl and wants to throw a good surprise party. The only thing is she doesn't really have the funds to do so. So, H&I have stepped up as have my parents. So, we're having it at a pub, we've ordered the food and reserved the space (and got a fabulous deal!). I went on to P's facebook and got a picture from his profile. It's one where he's used and age enhancing program. We are printing up the picture and making it into masks. So when he gets there everyone will have one up to wear as a part of the surprise. I mocked one up the other day and it was pretty frightful!!! He's going to love it!
Still feeling better, I was lying in bed talking with H last night and explaining how much lighter I felt. The acupuncture relieved so much of the built up tension in my body. I slept really well last night as well. Which is good since I have a big night planned for this evening.
It's one of my best friend's 40th birthday next week. We are holding a girls' night for her tonight. We've rented a suite at a hotel downtown and are having a big pyjama party. We're going to listen to 80's music and watch 80's movies. We're going to eat junk food and hang out. We're also having a manicurist come to the room to give us manis. It's going to be so much fun! I'm in charge of the cake, so I went to an awesome little cupcake shop in the Beach (a neighbourhood in Toronto) and got two dozen mini cupcakes - half double chocolate and half lemon. Yum! I was going to bake them myself, but I can't ice them as well as the professionals and I wanted something a little nicer for my girl T.
Then next weekend is my little bro's 30th birthday. I'm helping to plan it with his girlfriend. We've never communicated this much. She's a really nice girl and wants to throw a good surprise party. The only thing is she doesn't really have the funds to do so. So, H&I have stepped up as have my parents. So, we're having it at a pub, we've ordered the food and reserved the space (and got a fabulous deal!). I went on to P's facebook and got a picture from his profile. It's one where he's used and age enhancing program. We are printing up the picture and making it into masks. So when he gets there everyone will have one up to wear as a part of the surprise. I mocked one up the other day and it was pretty frightful!!! He's going to love it!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Feeling Better
After my post the other day, I was worried that I would have alienated all of you. Thank-you for all of your comments, they mean a lot to me.
I think I need to let everything hang out - warts and all - every once in a while. It is freeing. Unfortunately, my time has been spent ignoring how I'm feeling. H. called me out last night - he said that when I get home I bury my head in a book or watching tv or in my knitting - that I'm not doing anything. I have a course I'm supposed to be completing and I have a goal to lose weight before our trip, but I'm just a lump. He's right, but it's not intentional, it's because I feel frozen and over-whelmed. But, I just have to DO something and the rest will come. So, that's what I'm going to do. Just DO something - like read a chapter of my course, and take the puppies for walks.
Oh ya, my title says I'm feeling better. I am. After my appointment with my GP I had already felt like the world had lifted a little from my shoulders. Then, I wrote that post and let me demons hang out for all to see. That was very freeing and also dimished the power of my negative, anxious thoughts. Today, I saw my amazingly awesome Naturopath. I heart her! Our appointments start the same way, she asks me how I am, and I blab (told her all about the stuff that had been making me batty), then she asks me to lie down on the table and she puts in my needles. Today's points were in both shins, outside of both wrists, between the eyes, 3 in my belly, and one in the top of my head. At this point, she usually leaves me alone, but not today. Today she just sat with me and asked me questions about how I'm doing etc. She told me about other patients that have gone through donor egg and how they felt. Then the needles in my wrists were hurting in a sharp not so good way so she took them out. We talked a little more and then the session was over. She took all of the needles out and the one in my head and the one between my eyes bled. The one between my eyes was particularly bad and was throbbing. This is a major stress point which just confirmed everything that I had told her. Before I left she recommended I take Valericalm by St. Francis. She said that it is not an anti-depressant, but it just takes the edge off things. I'm willing to give it a shot.
The acupuncture worked wonders for me. I have been feeling like there's someone sitting on my chest and now I don't have that feeling at all. The pressure has lifted. I don't know if you have tried acupuncture, but I am a true believer!
I think I need to let everything hang out - warts and all - every once in a while. It is freeing. Unfortunately, my time has been spent ignoring how I'm feeling. H. called me out last night - he said that when I get home I bury my head in a book or watching tv or in my knitting - that I'm not doing anything. I have a course I'm supposed to be completing and I have a goal to lose weight before our trip, but I'm just a lump. He's right, but it's not intentional, it's because I feel frozen and over-whelmed. But, I just have to DO something and the rest will come. So, that's what I'm going to do. Just DO something - like read a chapter of my course, and take the puppies for walks.
Oh ya, my title says I'm feeling better. I am. After my appointment with my GP I had already felt like the world had lifted a little from my shoulders. Then, I wrote that post and let me demons hang out for all to see. That was very freeing and also dimished the power of my negative, anxious thoughts. Today, I saw my amazingly awesome Naturopath. I heart her! Our appointments start the same way, she asks me how I am, and I blab (told her all about the stuff that had been making me batty), then she asks me to lie down on the table and she puts in my needles. Today's points were in both shins, outside of both wrists, between the eyes, 3 in my belly, and one in the top of my head. At this point, she usually leaves me alone, but not today. Today she just sat with me and asked me questions about how I'm doing etc. She told me about other patients that have gone through donor egg and how they felt. Then the needles in my wrists were hurting in a sharp not so good way so she took them out. We talked a little more and then the session was over. She took all of the needles out and the one in my head and the one between my eyes bled. The one between my eyes was particularly bad and was throbbing. This is a major stress point which just confirmed everything that I had told her. Before I left she recommended I take Valericalm by St. Francis. She said that it is not an anti-depressant, but it just takes the edge off things. I'm willing to give it a shot.
The acupuncture worked wonders for me. I have been feeling like there's someone sitting on my chest and now I don't have that feeling at all. The pressure has lifted. I don't know if you have tried acupuncture, but I am a true believer!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Slightly Going Crazy Am I ...
Two posts in one day, I'm such an overachiever! I went to the doctor today because I have been having weird things happen. Ever since I had the heart attack that wasn't, I have been feeling weird. Panicky, anxious and jumping to the assumption that every pain I felt was going to land me back in the hospital. I don't sleep well and when I do sleep I'm in weird positions. My hands are always over my head so my shoulders and back are stiff. This will lead to pains in my side or back and I will automatically assume I'm having a heart attack. I am disproportionately worried about things that I would have ignored in the past. Lately, I've had a dry hacking cough. No phlegm or anything green in colour (sorry for the gory details). I had a feeling it may be post nasal drip or something like that. But, the illogical over-worried, anxious part of my brain was imagining that it was cancer or a clot. I'd have to talk myself out of panic attacks almost on a daily basis. Now I'm taking BCP and there are side effects of blood clots. Today I had a cramp in my left calf and almost went spinning out of control thinking it was a blood clot.
Added to this is the infertility stuff, the worries about donor eggs and also the short-comings of the medical care here. I have to have a lupron depot shot and a transvaginal ultrasound before I go to the CR. My doctor refused to be of any assistance, which has just added to my stress level.
And, on top of all of this, I have stopped going to acupuncture. The one thing that actually has really helped my handle my stress levels.
So, today I went to my dr.'s office (which is also a walk-in) and she saw me within 20 minutes. I explained everything to her and she was so good. Talked me down and told me my options. First, I have post nasal drip and she's prescribed a nasal spray that is supposed to help. Secondly, she referred me to a special clinic for women dealing with reproductive issues (post-partum, pregnanacy related etc) - it is a pscyhology clinic. Thirdly, she showed me where I have to give myself the needle and finally, she referred me for a transvaginal ultrasound. Just speaking with her helped calm me down.
Logically, I know that I'm stressed, but I didn't grasp the extent of it.
Now I know I'm ok from a health standpoint. I will wait to hear from the clinic and I am going to make an appointment for acupuncture for Thursday. I thought I was dealing really well with this crap. I read that book and have been using the deep breathing techniques. I guess I really just buried my head in the sand.
There's really no point to this post other than to just be honest with myself. I haven't been handling things very well and I finally got up the nerve to deal with it.
Added to this is the infertility stuff, the worries about donor eggs and also the short-comings of the medical care here. I have to have a lupron depot shot and a transvaginal ultrasound before I go to the CR. My doctor refused to be of any assistance, which has just added to my stress level.
And, on top of all of this, I have stopped going to acupuncture. The one thing that actually has really helped my handle my stress levels.
So, today I went to my dr.'s office (which is also a walk-in) and she saw me within 20 minutes. I explained everything to her and she was so good. Talked me down and told me my options. First, I have post nasal drip and she's prescribed a nasal spray that is supposed to help. Secondly, she referred me to a special clinic for women dealing with reproductive issues (post-partum, pregnanacy related etc) - it is a pscyhology clinic. Thirdly, she showed me where I have to give myself the needle and finally, she referred me for a transvaginal ultrasound. Just speaking with her helped calm me down.
Logically, I know that I'm stressed, but I didn't grasp the extent of it.
Now I know I'm ok from a health standpoint. I will wait to hear from the clinic and I am going to make an appointment for acupuncture for Thursday. I thought I was dealing really well with this crap. I read that book and have been using the deep breathing techniques. I guess I really just buried my head in the sand.
There's really no point to this post other than to just be honest with myself. I haven't been handling things very well and I finally got up the nerve to deal with it.
Full Disclosure
I went home last night and sat on the couch and didn't move. I did not lift a single finger to clean anything. I will have to give it a try again tonight.
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