Monday, May 30, 2011

5 Months

I can't believe the little G is 5 months old now. She is the light of my life and I still have to pinch myself to make sure this is real. She is growing and chaning almost on a daily basis. She is rolling over from her back to her front, when she is on her stomach she looks like she will be ready to crawl at any moment, She is starting to communicate by screeches and squeals. She has a fake cough that she is doing now that is really funny. We are incredibly lucky because she sleeps through the night, from around 8pm until around6:30am. The thing is that I don't really sleep soundly because I have one ear open for her. So, I am tired and snappy, parti ularly with H. I hate myself when I snap at him. It is like some momster takes over my body. blech. I at leats can recognize it and apolgize. I am really going to work on that part of things.

On the health side of things, I am doing ok. My gallbladder has been pretty good (touch wood) but the acid reflux is still pretty bad. I have kept the weight off from giving birth, but haven't lost anymore and feel like my body is just gross right now. The weight has shifted on my body. I need to find my mojo and find a workout that will work for me. I don't want to be an overweight mom, I want to be a good role model for my Little G. I also want to be in better shape before we go to Brno for our FET. I need to figure out what it is that is keeping me at this weight. I was thinking about it today and realized that my family may be one of the major reasons. And not in a way that I had ever thought of before. My Mom's way of showing her love was to feed us, so I find comfort in food. But that is not the reason that I fell on today. I was molested when I was young and sexualized by men when I was a teenager, a layer of fat helped protect me from those feelings of shame. But that is not what I figured out today. I realized that when I was growing up my family was thought of as the perfect family. We could be yelling at each other before going to a family party, but as soon as we walked out the door we all had our roles to play. We didn't talk about our feelings or open up to each other, we never talked about the molestation after it happened and I never told my parents about the other things that happened. I think I learned to just eat to shove away all the negative feelings. And now that I am an adult, the eating has just become a habit. They say knowledge is power and now that I know myself just a little bit better, I hope that I will be able to turn my health around.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

M Day.

Infertility sucks and it particularly sucks at this time of year. I think in the past I have just kept my head buried in the sand and tried not to notice the big fuss that is made about this day. It was just too painful to let in. I was at the grocery store today and the cashier told me to have a wonderful mother's day. There are ads on tv and on the radio, even on the 'net. Every time I see something or hear something, my heart hurts a little for the women who have not had their dreams come true yet. I want to say to those who are still reading who are in the midst of IF crap I will be thinking of you and wishing that this time next year you will be celebrating with me.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Hmm, so that's what it was

A year ago today, I got my 2nd beta results. I was officially pregnant and everything had doubled ... well more than doubled. My first beta was 430 and the 2nd was 1206. That was the first clue that we had more than one in the oven. Today, our healthy baby is 18 weeks and 6 days old.

My little superstar...

I have written before about the health issues I have been experiencing. Well, I had a battery of blood tests run as well as an abdominal ultra sound. My bloodtests all came back clear - no heart issues. Good cholesterol ratio. The one weird thing is that the bloodtest for my kidneys has come back twice saying I have mild damage. I have no other symptoms, so we are going to keep an eye on it. My ultrasound showed two gallstones, which means I have to have my gallbladder out. So, I have been referred to a surgeon and am now just waiting to hear back about dates. I am a little worried about the surgery, although it can be done laproscopically. It means I will be out of commission for at least a week. And, I won't be able to care for Little G in the same way. My Mom has offered to help out, but she can't stay with us as we don't have a guest room. It may mean that we go to my parents' place while I recover. I am sure it will work itself out.
I hadn't had too many problems with my gallbladder that I recognized - 3 major attacks over the last year. Now it is apparent, that a lot of the uncomfortableness I have been experiencing is coming from it.

Oh, and the Dr. said I must have it out before getting pregnant again. Good thing we've pushed the FET back to next January.