Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Hope your Christmas was fabulous (if that's what you celebrate)! We had a very busy one. Little G doesn't really get the whole gift giving concept yet, but she loved pulling the tissue out of the gift bags. The Christmas crackers were a little overwhelming for her at dinner so that wasn't very enjoyable. All in all, it was a fantastic day. We all were terribly spoiled.

New Year's Eve we think will be spent at the zoo where they have a children's new year event with an early countdown at 8pm. She's a little young to appreciate it, but I think it's a good tradition to start.

Hope the New Year holds great things for you!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

A Visit with Santa

Well, that didn't go as I expected. H and I took Little G to see Santa a couple of weeks ago. I dressed her up in her Christmas dress and away we went to a local shopping centre to meet the Big Guy. He was an amazing Santa, kind, friendly and patient. Poor man! G did not like him at all. She screamed bloody murder. I felt so horrible for her and for Santa.

Here's the pic we got:

Santa gave us a couple great tips for making next year's visit better. When they are little, have them facing away from him so that they don't see him until after their picture has been taken. Also, take a couple of trips to the mall prior to the actual picture day so that the little one gets familiar with Santa. We'll try that next year and see how it goes.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A Little Sad

I am taking a break from playing catch up on my course work - I am doing my final course of a degree program and have left everything to the last minute to be completed. I hate that I do this to myself!

But, that's not why I am writing.

I have a friend who also went through IF and was lucky enough to finally be successful from her 2nd IVF with twins. She now is the mom of boy/girl twins and they are adorable. Every now and then she will post pics on facebook of them hugging each other or biting each other or just hanging out together (they are around 6 months old now) and I get incredibly envious and sad. We should have had triplets. There should be 3 babies here now. My world would be completely upside down and there would be no way I could be finishing this course, but I feel the loss of my twins deeply. It just creeps up and hits me every once in a while. Every so often when H and I are playing with Little G we look at each other and say "can you imagine if there were 2 more of her?" then we chuckle because life would be utter chaos. But deep down I am always wistful.

And, then there is the possibility that we won't have any more kids. That too just makes me sad. It goes without saying that I am incredibly happy that I have Little G. It just doesn't feel like our family is done.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Almost 11 Months Old

This post consists of two parts... the first talks about infertility and chemical pregnancy and wishing, the second gives an update on Little G.

Last month I believe I was pg. We weren't trying, although our timing did coincide with ovulation so I had hoped that we might get lucky. We are still throwing around the idea of going back to the Czech Republic and trying a FET for a second child. If it happened naturally that would be a miracle. Anyway, I felt distinctly pg last month, I had pregnancy dreams etc. all the things that happened in the past when I have been pg. I did not test because I just don't do that. Too many negative tests and heartbreak under my belt. I have to rely on what I was feeling, but I know I was, for a blink of an eye. Then AF came and I wasn't. At the same time, as I was dealing with that, a friend announced her surprise pregnancy. She is a veteran of IF and eventually adopted. This was out of the blue. I am so incredibly happy for her and so incredibly sad for myself. How is it that after all of this time and having a baby in my arms I can still feel these feelings? It's been about a week since this all happened so I am doing considerably better, I just keep realizing that once you're an infertile, you're always an infertile.

Anyway, here's a little update on Little G:

Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. Little G is almost 11 months old; where has the time gone? She is now cruising quite a bit and standing on her own here and there. She is babbling a lot with her mamamamas and dadadadas and some unintelligible mutterings as well. She is now giving unprompted hugs and kisses which are amazing and squishy and wet. They make my heart swell. She loves her books and will sit on the floor flipping the pages of her cardboard books as if she is truly reading them. It's pretty cute. I am preparing myself for having to go back to work in the new year. Blah! I am sooooo not looking forward to that. We have daycare organized already; she will be starting in January part time and will be going full time by the end of the month.

I can't believe she will be a year old next month. We are organizing her birthday party now and are debating what gift to get her. Since her birthday is so close to Christmas I am also trying to figure out a gift for that. I also have to get her a Christmas dress so that she can wear it to get her picture taken with Santa. The other day I started singing Christmas carols to her and was overcome with emotion because she's here. There will actually be a child in our home for Christmas. (Last year doesn't count because we were in the hospital and it really didn't feel like Christmas at all!).

Little G was a duck for Halloween...

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Been Awhile

It's been about 3 weeks since my surgery and I am feeling pretty good. Some of the digestive issues have resolved themselves while some have remained. My Mom had hers out and said it can take up to 6 months for everything to get back to normal; I hope she is right.

H. took a week off to help me at home which was very nice of him. It turned out to be a little stressful as we argued a bit and I was all drugged up, so the first couple of days are a little hazy to me. Then I went to my parents for a week with Little G. It was amazing to see them get to really bond with her. And, also to not have to cook, clean, or do anything other than get my legs back under me. My parents were sad to see Little G go when we left.

Then we had Thanksgiving with most of my Mom's side of the family. There were 45 people there. It was also my uncle's 50th birthday and my second cousin's 1st birthday. It was a really nice celebration and so great to see so many of my relatives all in one place.

Little G is getting to be such a big girl already. She will be 10 months old on the 23rd. She is in mostly 12 month clothing now and some 12 to 18 month stuff. She is really tall. She is crawling everywhere and is mastering the art of couch/table/any surface surfing. She looks like she will be walking soon, but who knows when that will be. She is getting to be a little rascal, preferring to play with our magazines/books/remotes for the tv rather than her toys. I have to keep a constant eye on her. I am loving every minute of it and am so thankful I was given the opportunity to be a mom.

We are still undecided about when to try for number 2 (or if we will try). A large part of me really wants to do it, but I still am having some doubts. One of the major things is what if we decide to try via FET and it fails? Do we get back on the treatment roller coaster? I don't think I could go through that again. Oh well, we have lots of time (well, some time) to decide.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Gallbladder free!

Yesterday was the big day for my surgery. I was very (VERY) nervous going into it, but decided to just suck it up and not whine too much about it. I was irrationally worried that I would die on the table, that little G would be motherless at the age of 9 months and that she would never remember our cuddles and squeezes and all of the times I have whispered in her ear how much I love her.

The surgeon came in to see me after the surgery to tell me things had gone smoothly. Apparently, I did not have an inflamed gallbladder, just the stones which made it a lot easier to remove. I have atypical symptoms from the gallbladder stones and he said there's a 50/50 chance that my GERD symptoms could go away simply by having the surgery. PLEASE let that happen!

I am on perco.cet right now. They make me groggy and a little dizzy, so I mostly just sleep them off. I have been walking around quite a bit and am much more mobile than I thought I would be. H. is off taking care of Little G since I can't really pick her up and also taking care of me. So far, I think we've gotten on each others' nerves more than anything (me on his a lot since I am a bit of a control freak about our daughter and her schedule). This weekend I will be going to my parents' place to convalesce a little more and give them a chance to hang with their granddaughter. I think my Mom is really looking forward to it.

After I heal up from the surgery, H and I are going to join Weigh.t Wa.tchers and I am going to start up a swimming/walking regime to get into shape. As I have probably said a bunch of times here before (I know I've thought it a hell of a lot) I don't want to be a fat mom, I want to be a good example for our daughter. So, it's time to make it a reality.

Friday, September 23, 2011

9 Months Old

Little G is 9 months old today! I can't believe it, time is just flying by. In the past couple of weeks she's really been adding to her repertoire of tricks. She is crawling, pulling herself to standing, trying to climb things, waving and clapping. She is also saying Mamamama and Babbababa, but the Mama isn't in context with anything yet. She is learning the names of her toys and if I say "where's bunny" she will go get her stuffed bunny. She is very cute and a going concern.

We are debating going back to CZ for a FET. A few months ago, I was 100% convinced that we would be going back in January. But, as she gets older and is getting to be more to take care of I am seeing how difficult having two will be. Particularly at my age. G is such a happy, easy, laid-back kid (touch wood). She has been sleeping through the night since about 8 weeks old and we can take her anywhere without much fuss. We are completely spoiled. We (I) worry what if we don't get so lucky a second time. Will I have the patience for a colicky, screaming, non-sleeping baby? Also, we live in a 2 bedroom home and are rapidly running out of room with 2 adults, 2 dogs and a baby and all of the stuff that entails. I am scared to try again. What if it's twins or triplets, if we're lucky enough for it to be successful?! Despite all of the fears, I still think I'd like to try again, but just not so soon. I just don't know.

On top of everything else, I am having my gallbladder removed on Tuesday. I am pretty scared to go under the knife. It is just a day surgery and lots of people have undergone this procedure, but now that I have G I am so worried that something will go wrong. H. is taking the week off to stay home and take care of G while I recuperate. And, then for the second week G and I will be going to my parents' place for a little more recuperation time.I just wish I could blink my eyes and be two weeks in the future recovering from a successful day surgery.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Little G will be 8 months old on the 23rd, not sure where the time is going, but it sure is flying by quickly. She is still combat crawling, ut she has gotten better at it, she is now starting to pull herself up on things. We are going to have to lower her mattress because she is pulling herself up on the side of it and I am scared she will fall out. Of course there have been a few bumps and bruises with her new exploration, but we have now baby-proofed the house and she is much safer.

Today we were at Gym.boree and the instructor complimented Little G on her smile, Then she turned to me and said that Little G's smile is going to be tough to deal with in the future because it is so nice that I won't be able to get mad at her. Well, that brought a smile to my face because, a. Little G is a pretty smiley kid and I think she is adorable and b. people used to say the same thing about me to my Mom.

Oops got to run, Little G is up from her nap.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Still Here

I am still here. I have taken a bit of a break from reading blogs and blogging lately. Life just got a little hectic.

Little G is officially crawling, well army crawling, not quite on all 4s yet. She sure can move. She is attracted to wires, bathrooms and the dogs' waterbowl. We play this game where she makes a beeline for the forbidden items and I scoop her up before she gets there.

We have also started solids, a little later than most people think should happen, but meh, it is what it is. So far she's had apples, pears, bananas, avacado, zucchini, sweet potato and rice cereal. She really likes the avacado and cereal. Hates pears.

She is also saying "mamamama", but not calling me it, just making the sounds. She is reaching for me now. I have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure it is all real. That I really have a kid.

A friend made the decision to stop her pursuit of a child. It is tough for me to comprehend stopping trying without having exhausted all means. She doesn't want a child that is not genetically linked to both her husband and herself. Which, I can respect if not understand. I had contemplated having to make that decision, but I knew I wouldn't find peace with it until we had at a minimum tried DE. I realized that being a Mom was more important than the genes. Anyway, I am actually really happy for my friend. She can stop slugging through the hell that is failed cycle after failed cylce, the rollercoaster of having hope and losing hope. She can look forward and build a different, and wonderful life with her husband without the weight of cycling. I think you have to be a really brave person to know when to say enough is enough.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Little G will be 7 months old on Saturday. I can't believe how fast time is flying by! I finally started her on solids. So far she has had rice cereal, sweet potato and bananas. She wasn't a big fan of the sweet potato and indicated this by blowing raspberries with every spoonful. I was the one in need of a bib as the puree was spat at me!

She is almost crawling and is now saying mamamamama particularly when she gets whiny/crying for a bottle. She knows our chocolate lab's name and loves playing with his tags. He is less enamoured of her.

I love being with her and am so thankful that I am able to stay home with her for a full year (thank you H!) She has been on two waiting lists for daycare since before she was born and I just called to check where she is on the list and was told they won't know until late November/early December. That really doesn't work for me because what if they say they can't take her and then it's the last minute and would be impossible to find daycare. We did find a new place pretty close to our home that is under construction now. We may end up going with them for convenience. To be completely open, I do not want to go back to work. I want to stay at home with her and can't imagine having to leave her with strangers. I am just not going to focus on it right now.

We are still planning on using our frozen embryos early next year. I am torn about this. Well not really torn. I want another child, if we are lucky enough to be successful. But, I love Little G so much... is it possible to love another baby as much? I know they say that your heart just grows and encompasses each child. But, I'm still a little nervous about it. I refuse to think about it not working.

That's it for me right now.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

6 Months

We took Little G for a photo shoot on Friday, in honour of her half birthday - that's right she turned 6 months old on Thursday the 23rd! I don't know where the time has gone. I will share one of the shots with you at the end of the post. She was really good for most of the shoot, but by the end she'd had enough of getting her picture taken. We got a few nice family shots. We bought a package with this photographer off a website called living.social and it includes 4 1-hour sessions. So, we are going to go back again in a few months and do a larger family shoot. We'll have my parents and grandmother, H's Dad, and my brother and his fiancee (Little G's guardians) together. The picture I'm looking forward to is a generations shot with my Mom, Grandma, me and G.

Life has been pretty good. IF is still rearing its ugly head from time to time. My cycle this time was 35 days. I'm usually a 24ish day cycle so I guess this was an anovulatory cycle - a nice reminder that I am definitely perimenopausal. Oh well. My health is about the same. I am having an endoscopy on Tuesday to check things out. I am not looking forward to going through it, but am looking forward to find out if there is anything going on in there. If they could just diagnose something and tell me how to fix it that would be great. And by "something" I mean an ulcer or irritable bowel syndrome, nothing scary or life-threatening. Something manageable and treatable. I have a feeling though, that everything is going to come back just fine. And, if that is the case I will just deal with it.

I will also be signing the papers to have my gallbladder removed. That surgery should be happening sometime in September. Then in January we are supposed to be heading back to Brno. I just don't like the idea of flying at that time of year. It will be snowy and cold here, and it will be snowy and cold there. Blech. I wish we could have our embies transferred to a clinic here. But, the clinic doesn't do that and I would be worried that something would happen to them en route. Ah well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Here's a pic of Little G...

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Missing my twins

It is really easy to forget that when we finally had success we were pregnant with triplets. It is easy on the surface to put aside the trauma of early onset TTTS and having to make the devastating decision to reduce my pregnancy from triplets to a singleton. We are overjoyed to have a healthy baby girl. My heart belongs to her. But, every now and then I am overcome with the sadness and a feeling of what could have been.

A friend of mine recently gave birth to boy-girl twins. They are beautiful, but seeing them makes my heartache. It simply aches for those two missing little beings. The thought of having triplets scared the hell out of me, and there was a small piece of me that was relieved when things went the way that they did. A small selfish piece of myself that I hate myself for. But, over-riding it was a sense of loss that I forced aside and chose to ignore.

I miss what could have been, even if it would have been crazy and scary, I miss those babies.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Still in one piece

It finally happened, and I was remarkably ok. I was at my hairdresser showing off the G and I could see her looking at the baby and then looking at me. She finally said, "does she look a lot like your husband?" and when I said yes, because she really does, my hairdresser said something like, right because she doesn't really look like you. The words I have been dreading were finally spoken and you know what? it didn't really bother me. That kid is mine and she could be green with purple spots and I wouldn't care.

My manic thoughts of the moment are about seeing her grow up and get married and have kids. Being a Mom at 40 makes me scared that I won't be around to see her walk down the aisle or hold her own children. She is 5 months old and I am worrying about those things. Crazy I know.

Monday, May 30, 2011

5 Months

I can't believe the little G is 5 months old now. She is the light of my life and I still have to pinch myself to make sure this is real. She is growing and chaning almost on a daily basis. She is rolling over from her back to her front, when she is on her stomach she looks like she will be ready to crawl at any moment, She is starting to communicate by screeches and squeals. She has a fake cough that she is doing now that is really funny. We are incredibly lucky because she sleeps through the night, from around 8pm until around6:30am. The thing is that I don't really sleep soundly because I have one ear open for her. So, I am tired and snappy, parti ularly with H. I hate myself when I snap at him. It is like some momster takes over my body. blech. I at leats can recognize it and apolgize. I am really going to work on that part of things.

On the health side of things, I am doing ok. My gallbladder has been pretty good (touch wood) but the acid reflux is still pretty bad. I have kept the weight off from giving birth, but haven't lost anymore and feel like my body is just gross right now. The weight has shifted on my body. I need to find my mojo and find a workout that will work for me. I don't want to be an overweight mom, I want to be a good role model for my Little G. I also want to be in better shape before we go to Brno for our FET. I need to figure out what it is that is keeping me at this weight. I was thinking about it today and realized that my family may be one of the major reasons. And not in a way that I had ever thought of before. My Mom's way of showing her love was to feed us, so I find comfort in food. But that is not the reason that I fell on today. I was molested when I was young and sexualized by men when I was a teenager, a layer of fat helped protect me from those feelings of shame. But that is not what I figured out today. I realized that when I was growing up my family was thought of as the perfect family. We could be yelling at each other before going to a family party, but as soon as we walked out the door we all had our roles to play. We didn't talk about our feelings or open up to each other, we never talked about the molestation after it happened and I never told my parents about the other things that happened. I think I learned to just eat to shove away all the negative feelings. And now that I am an adult, the eating has just become a habit. They say knowledge is power and now that I know myself just a little bit better, I hope that I will be able to turn my health around.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

M Day.

Infertility sucks and it particularly sucks at this time of year. I think in the past I have just kept my head buried in the sand and tried not to notice the big fuss that is made about this day. It was just too painful to let in. I was at the grocery store today and the cashier told me to have a wonderful mother's day. There are ads on tv and on the radio, even on the 'net. Every time I see something or hear something, my heart hurts a little for the women who have not had their dreams come true yet. I want to say to those who are still reading who are in the midst of IF crap I will be thinking of you and wishing that this time next year you will be celebrating with me.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Hmm, so that's what it was

A year ago today, I got my 2nd beta results. I was officially pregnant and everything had doubled ... well more than doubled. My first beta was 430 and the 2nd was 1206. That was the first clue that we had more than one in the oven. Today, our healthy baby is 18 weeks and 6 days old.

My little superstar...

I have written before about the health issues I have been experiencing. Well, I had a battery of blood tests run as well as an abdominal ultra sound. My bloodtests all came back clear - no heart issues. Good cholesterol ratio. The one weird thing is that the bloodtest for my kidneys has come back twice saying I have mild damage. I have no other symptoms, so we are going to keep an eye on it. My ultrasound showed two gallstones, which means I have to have my gallbladder out. So, I have been referred to a surgeon and am now just waiting to hear back about dates. I am a little worried about the surgery, although it can be done laproscopically. It means I will be out of commission for at least a week. And, I won't be able to care for Little G in the same way. My Mom has offered to help out, but she can't stay with us as we don't have a guest room. It may mean that we go to my parents' place while I recover. I am sure it will work itself out.
I hadn't had too many problems with my gallbladder that I recognized - 3 major attacks over the last year. Now it is apparent, that a lot of the uncomfortableness I have been experiencing is coming from it.

Oh, and the Dr. said I must have it out before getting pregnant again. Good thing we've pushed the FET back to next January.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

One Year Ago Today

It was a year ago that I woke up in a hotel room in Brno with H and got ready for a big change to take place. We headed to the clinic where two near perfect embryos were waiting to be transferred into my uterus. After the transfer, H and I headed down to the town square to look around and have lunch. We were officially in the two week wait. A year later I spent the day with our daughter, soothing her through a cranky period this afternoon and loving every minute of it, even if I did get a little frustrated with her crying.

DEIVF was the best decision I ever made. This little girl is exactly who I am supposed to be mothering. Sometimes, when I encounter other women with a similar diagnosis to mine, I want to ask them what they are waiting for? Do they want a biological child or is it really just about being a Mom? To me these women arenot even in the game, when you are dealing with a less than 5% chance, the odds are seriously against you. DEIVF makes things so much more favourable. Hindsight is 20 20. I have to remind myself that moving to DEIVF was not easy for me and that I had to take my path to it, just like these other women have to travel their own paths. By the way, the person who I am really thinking about when writing this does not have a blog, I met her out in the world and really think DEIVF is her best shot. BUT! that is not my call.

Monday, April 18, 2011

4 Month Check Up

Little G will be 4 months old in the 23rd, so I made an appointment for her shots and a check up. The appointment was today and went really well. She is in the 50 th percentile for weight and for the size of her head and is between the 50th and 85th percentile for height. She now weighs 14lbs 5.5oz... she has doubled her birth weight. Evreything looked great and it was time for her shots. H came with us so I had him hold Little G's legs while getting the shots. I tried to distract her with one of her toys, one second she is smiling at me the next is a look of confusion and then one of pain. It breaks my heart! She was fine after a few minutes and has been fine for the rest of the day. We didn't even need to give her any tylenol.

I also had a physical today. I described all of the crap that has been happening to me lately and my dr. listened really well. My heart is fine. She confirmed that the pain that I have been having is muscular and recommended some exercises for me to do. She prescribe an antacid to take twice a day to handle the acid reflux/heartburn and also thinks I may have gall stones. She took my blood pressure which was 110 over 70 and then wrote me a requisition for blood work and an abdominal ultrasound. Miraculously both the lab for the blood work and the office for the u/s were empty and I was able to go straight in. The tech at the u/s lab confirmed that I have at least one gall stone. Hopefully, I will be able to keep it in check with a change in my diet. Otherwise I will have to have an operation to have it removed. And, it will have to be done before I get pg (try to get) again. I go back next week for all of my results. oh yes,I also had a pap today. So I was officially completely poked and prodded. I feel pretty good and I know my dr is taking it all seriously. She tested me flr cholesterol, thyroid, sugars, etc and the abdominal u/s was very thorough. It feels really good to know that I am ok and also not crazy. For a while there I thought that my propensity for anxiety was causing my symptoms.

H was a star and took G and I to our appointments and entertained G while I was off seeing the various people. Even though a chu of it was spent in medical offices, it was a good day.

Monday, April 04, 2011


I am one day away from turning 40 and my body has decided to fall apart. I wrote about my heart issues that I have been experiencing, well I decided to order pizza for dinner. Well that led to a gall bladder attack, Gall bladder issues run in my family. I was up until almost 1 am trying to get all of the gas out of my system. Blech! I also have my period, this time my cycle was 23 days, 5 days longer than the prevpus cycle. It started like it used to , medium to heavy flow. Well, today I am using a super tampon per hour. This is crazy! My body feels like it is falling apart. I am in full on perimenopause, and I feel like this should be happening when I turn 50. I am also getting sunspots on my hands. It is like the aging process has gone whacko in my system.

I am not sure what to do about the amount of blood I am losing. Do I need to take iron? I am hoping that it starts to slow down soon.

It feels so weird to be going through all of this crap and being a new mom.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Lordy, lordy, look who's (almost) 40

Last Monday I went to Gym.boree with Little G. She is 14 weeks now! The class was cute, we sang song and did tummy time. We introduced some different textures amd played with the parachute. I think sge enjoyed it, but she was pretty cranky and tired by the time we got to the end of the class. There wer five Moms and babies, G was the only girl, the ages ranged from around 3 months to around 6 months. All of the babies were so cute. We did one exercises where we all sat our babies facing in on an innertube, in the middle was a sheepskin blanket, all the babies had bare feet. It was pretty cute to see their reaction to the blanket on their feet. All of the moms were under 32 I would say. I felt pretty out of place. At the end of the class they have a discussion period. The question was how soon did you know you were pg and how did you change your diet once you knew. And, what would you do differently the next time you get pg. Pretty mundane questions, but it just made me feel so isolated. Still the infertile in the room. I guess you never really lose that feeling.

I initially didn't want to go back because of the way I felt, but it is good for G to see other babies and people.And, it is good for her to experience new things, so I am going to suck it up and go back, I think. It is $73 per month. I find that kind of expensive. Am I crazy?

On a totally different topic, we took Little G to the parens of multiples clothing and gear sale. We were members when we found out we were pg with triplets so we still get the email about the sale - there are two per year. It opened at 7am for members and then is open to the general public at 9. We got there around 10am. I really wanted to see if we could get a good used exersaucer. When we were walking in, we saw a man walking out woth two and I thought, CRAP there go the last two. We went straight to the gear and toys and didn't see any of them, but we did manageto find a neat playmat. G has one, but this one looks a little more interactive. It is in really good shape and we got it for 7 dollars. A woman that was working the sale asked us if she could help us. H told her that we really wanted an exersauce and that I was disappointed to see that they were all gone. Well, she pointed us to the last one there. It was a barely used Baby Ei.nstein activity center. It was on sale for $50, which is on the pricier side for this sale. We snapped it right up, I think it is regularly priced at $130. In all we spent $100ish and got the exersaucer, playmat, 3 books, stacking blocks, a little wooden child's chair, 5 outfits (one thay had the store price tag on it still), astuffed penguin toy for her stroller and a toy that attaches to the stroller or swing it has three stuffed chicks with a bunch if rings and rattles on them. Score!

I guess there is one more thing to write about today, it is my birthday week. I turn 40 on Tuesday. the big 4 - 0. H came home from work yesterday with flowers for me and a stuffed flower for G. He gave me an itinerary for the week. On Tuesday, there is a chef coming to our home to give an interactive lesson and cook a gourmet meal, then on Thursday there is a party at a bar with my group of friends, then on Saturday we are going out to a nice French restaurant and then to the Leafs/Habs game and finally on Sunday, G and I are going to spemd a couple hours just with my girlfriends. I feel truly spoiled and with all of the festivities maybe I won't think too much about how old I am turning. I am not really too concerned about the numbere, but I ahve to admit it is a little daunting. I am middle-aged now, wow! The crazy thing is on the inside I still feel like I am about 25 years old.

Friday, April 01, 2011

Hello Old Friend

The chest pains are back. Fuck. Just like last year I have been feeling it around my rib cageand in the middle of my chest. It is such a mind fuck. We qent to the hospital on Wednesday because, even though I have had these feelings before, it could have been a pulmonary embolism due to the csection I had in December. We got tot the hospital and it was a mess in the ER, there were three stretchers that had just arrived via ambulance and a few people ahead of us. It took about half an hour to be triaged and then half an hlour to have an ecg done. They also took my blood. Then we sat for almost an hour and a half before H decided to talk to the nurse. She told me that it would be two hours for the results from the blood test and 4 hours to see the dr. H asked the nurse to see if I could go home and come back. That didn't go over very well. He told her we habe an infant at home and that may have gotten theough to her because she told us that as soon as the results were back she would send us to a different area where we would npbe seen quicker. Well when the results were in, she sent us over to the ambulatory clinic and also called them to let us know we were coming. They saw me right away, my tests came back negative for a heart attack and also for a pulmnary embolism. The dr examined me and told me I have costochondritis and heart burn, both present with chest pain. Basically the same diagnosis as last year.

I have done a little research about the chest pains, anxiety and linked them with perimenopause. Guess what?! They are symptoms of peri menopause and menopause. I believe that as a result of my POF or DOR, I am in advanced perimenopause and my gift is to have these fuckng symptoms. I can take pain killers and antacids to try to stave off the symptoms, but so far neither helps very much. Also, anxiety kicks in when I have the chest pains, so I have to talk to myself to keep myself calm. So far I haven't had any panic attacks I hope that stays true.

Now I don't trust my body. I logically know that I am fine. But when I go for a walk with Little G if I have to exert myself to go up a hill etc I immediately think i am going to have a heart attack and have to self-talk the whole time. I think the nly way to get over this is to just keep going for walks and living life and dproving to myself that I am fine. On top of everything, now there is Little G to think about and it freaks me out to think about dying and leaving her. This too shall pass, but it could take years. Isn't it ironic that while I was pregnant my body was in balance hormonally and I didn't have any of these issues. But now 3 months post partum, my body is back in its old imbalance. I have to find a way to deal with this.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

3 months old and planning to try again

Yesterday was the official 3 month anniversary of Little G's birth. Time is flying! She is doing so well, babbling away, smiling like crazy and sleeping through the night. She is trying to rollover now and she is so determined I cannot help but laugh at her when she squeals in frustration. (that doesn't sound very nice, but I mean it in the most loving way).

H and I have been talking a lot about when to try for another. I am so torn. In theory I want G to have a sibling and we want them close in age. Also I am not getting any younger and that puts pressure on me as well. I just love spending time with G and I don't want to take attention away from her. But when it comes down to it, I want to try. And, that means in November we will, GULP, be going back to Brno for a FET. I guess it is more than just a theoretical want. Oh ya, the trip to Hawaii is off. After a lot of thought, I realized that having an 11 month old with us would be a hindereance to the type of trip I want to take e.g., whale watching, snorkelling etc. Hawaii is just too far to go to just sit on a beach and have your schedule dictated by an infant. So, November is now back on for our fet.

I think I have mentioned here that I still have the dream of a spontaneous pregnancy. I thought that perhaps having been pregnant, that my body might get thumped back into a more fertile state. Boy was I wrong! My second cycle post partum was 19 days long. Fuck. I am still incredibly infertile. Blah!

When I was pregnant it was the most feminine and right I have ever felt in my body. I so want to experience that again. I know, that for those of you reading this who are still struggling to achieve a pregnancy that I sound whiny and unappreciative of what I havebeen given. Maybe you'd be right. The fertiles of the world don't have to give this any thought, if they want another child they simply try for and have another. Infertiles have to go through the struggle all over again and then bear the weight of the judgement of worthiness from other infertiles. The guilt of not being satisfied with one child even if you still feel your family is incomplete, even if the picture of the family you have wanted since you were first asked at the age of 12 if you wanted children is still incomplete weighs heavily on me. I used to be the infertile that would silently think "why can't she be happy with one?" , so I know those feelings exist. I understand if it makes it hard for people to be supportive of this and understand if you stop reading...if you are even still reading along.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Checking in

So my little g is 9 weeks old and I think I am still falling inlove with her a little more everyday. Sometimes I just stare at her and it feels like I need to pinch myself to make sure this is all real. She has been sleeping through the night now for a couple of weeks she goes to bed around 9 and gets up around 6. At night I give her a bottle and then I sing her a few songs, then I rock her to sleep in my arms. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to get her down for the night. Then in the morning she has another bottle and then comes inthe bed with us. H gets a little snuggle time in with her before he goes to work and then G and I sleep for a couple more hours. When she wakes up she is all smiles for me. It melts my heart every time. It is not all easy but I love being a Mom.

Even though I know that we needed to take this particular path to get to this spot, I wish we had gone to DE earlier. I am turning 40 in a month and I guess I am worried about being an old Mom. I keep doing the math, you know, when she is 10 I'll be 50 etc. That is the only thing that will sometimes creep in and take the shine off of things for a minute.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Aunt Flo Has Come to Town

At 8 weeks 4 days post partum my period has come back. I had a feeling that it was on its way because I had noticed soe signs of ovulation a while ago. I am going to track my af on fertility friend again, just to see how regular it is, if and when I am ovulating etc.

H and I had a chat yesterday about going back to Brno. I have been doing some research on when it is safe to try again after having a csection. The consensus is that 18 months is the general wait time. From what i can find it is really safe at one year out, but we are going to err on the side of safety for me. Which means that instead of going back in November 2011' we will look at going back in August of 2012. It gives us more time with Little G and also if it works there will be nice spacng between them.

This also means we can take a vacation later this year...a much anticipated vacation..we are gong tk Hawaii for around two weeks. H's Dad had offered to give us some money towards the trip and we have decided to take him up on itl In fact he will be coming with us. We are just starting the planning process, but it looks like we will be spending time on Oahu and Maui. It will be an adventure travelling with an 11 month old. We are going to look at splitting up the flights so it is not too much for her. e.g., flying from here to Vancouver and spending the night and then flying from Vancouver to Honolulu the following day. Squee! I love planning for this kind of thing.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Eight Weeks

Tomorrow Little G will be 8 weeks old. Time surely is flying by. I am head over heels in love and seem to fall deeper by the hour. We are thinking about going back to Brno in November. Actually, we are past thinking and will be going back then. Here is the thing, the optimisitc infertile in me keeps going over the "what if" scenario of us getting a miraculous natural pregnancy. Stranger things have happened, but lets face it, I will be 40 in April and my eggs were pretty crap at 35 so what makes me think that now things will be different. Oh, that is because people (my drs) keep sayng stuff lIke pregnancy can kick start your body. I had my post op appt on Monday and the dr said that I should take birth control. I laughed and sId that I've got my own built in birth control and that is when he hit me with the you never know statement.

So there it sits in my brain that has far too much time to foucs on things. And, if you have read my blog overmthe years you know that I am really good at thinking and worrying. I go from thinking that it would be amazing to get pg on our own after all this time, but then I think about my age and get scared. I think about down syndrome or kther birth defects that could be caused by my crap eggs. Crazy eh? In reality the likelihood of me getting pg without inftervention is close to 0. So, I need to focus on November and another trip to Brno.

About little G, at a month old she weighed 9lbs 10 oz, I think she is well over 10 lbs now. She is smiling on purpose now instead of just from gas which is pretty amazing. She is also starting to babble and also starting to recognize and play with toys although her hands are still mostly in fists. She has been out in her stroller for a couple of walks and also been in the car a lot going tonher grandparents or to the couple of showers that were held in her honour. She has to be one of the best dressed kids around. She is completely spoiled.
we'll have to do something about that if it continues. It is amazing how much she is loved by our friends and family. It feels like she was as much longed for and anticipated by the people who love us as she was by us. We are extremely lucky!

Here is a pic I took of her and used as a Valentine's Day card.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Just Popping In

Little G is now 6 weeks and 4 days old. She is getting more of a personality. She smiles more and has found her fists. So cute to see her happily munching on one of her fists! The big news is that she slept through the night last night. She has been a really good sleeper from the start and lately she has been sleeping at night for between 4 and 6 hours then waking for a bottle and then going back to sleep for another 3 or 4 hours. Last night she went down at around 10pm and when I woke up at 4:45am I realized she wasn't up yet I was able to keep myself from running in her room and checking if she was still breathing. She woke up on her own at around 5:30. 7.5 hours is not bad!

We had a family shower yesterday afternoon and I think because she didn't sleep as much during the day it made it easier for her to sleep thrpugh the night. The shower was a lot of fun and she was completely spoiled!

I have to say it still feels surreal to be having showers and caring for a baby. I cannot believe how lucky we are to have been successful after so many failures. We are talking about going back to Brno at the end of this year and trying our luck again with a FET. I am a little reticent about jumping back into the fertilty clinic world, but it is what it is. If that is what we need to do to complete our family then I am in for whatever needs to be done.

On another note, my beloved Packers won the Super Bowl! Go Pack Go!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

4 Weeks Old

This past Thursday my darling girl turned 4 weeks old. Everyone says that time flies by and to enjoy every minute, but I truly didn't grasp just how quickly time would actually go.

Today she wore her first 0 - 3 months outfit, until now she has been exclusively in newborn clothes. A lot of the 0to3 stuff is too big for her still, but there you have it, she's growing. We have her 1 month appointment on Tuesday so I'll know then how much weight she's put on and just how much she's growing.

I'll tell you something, as much as I love her and I can't even quantify how much that is, there is a part of me that is sad. Everyone keeps saying how much she looks like H. H. will come home from work and say "so and so saw the pictures of Little G and they couldn't stop saying how much we look alike". I talk to my Mom and she says oh, I showed the pics of Little G to your Aunt or to my friend and they can't get over how much she looks like H." It breaks my heart a little, she will never look like me, there's nothing about her that could be mistaken for me. That part of the donor egg process is still tough to get over. I will get over it; it's not like my every waking moment is spend focused on it, but it is there none the less. I thought I was prepared for it, but I guess my skin is not quite toughened up yet. I'll get there. It's just tough.

Weirdly, at the same time as I am grieving the genetic link, I think that I have the baby that was meant to be mine. She was the one waiting in the wings for me to get my act together and come into my (our) life.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Faulty body

Being pregnant was a reprieve for me from my faulty body. For the first time in a long time my body was doing exactly what it was supposed to be doing. It nurtured and grew my beautiful baby girl. Before that, my ovaries basically shrivelled up before they were supposed to. Despite still getting my period every month my eggs were just no good and we couldn't get pg on our own.

Since giving birth, my body has reverted to it's faulty self. Now it's the breastfeeding thing. My breasts are not made for breastfeeding. I have gone to exclusively formula feeding. It has been a difficult transition emotionally for me because it is just one more thing that my body won't do properly. H has been amazing and supportive as i have worked through my feelings around this. Ultimately it comes down to the fact that we have a healthy baby girl. My body did the most important thing - growing our child.

As for how I am now, I am healing from the c section. It is very painful today I overdid it yesterday and now I am paying for it. The best side effect from having the baby has been the weightloss. I lost 28 pounds within a week of giving birth. I had only put on 2 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight so I have lost a total of 26 lbs. Crazy!

H and I are already talking about going back to Brno and using our frozen embryos. I am on the fence a little about this because I don't want to cheat Little G out of having her parents all to herself. If it works there will be almost 2years between kids. I know I sound like I am putting the cart before the horse, after all there are no guarantees that this will work. I need to be ready for whatever happens.

Update on Little G

She is doing well, gaining weight and is smiling alot albeit from gas. It is still so cute when the smiles come across here face.
She has her days and nights a bit mixed up but hopefully that will work itself out in the coming weeks.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

G's birth story

I need to get this down in writing while it is still fresh in my mind. I want to have it for G when she is older.

On Thursday December 23rd I was scheduled to have my c-section at 10:00am. We were up early and at the hospital for around 7:30am as per my instructions I hadn't had anything to drink or eat since before midnight the previous night. That was really difficult because I had been really dehydrated at night. When we got to the hospital we had to wait for about half an hour before being brought into the pre-op room.
My Mom and Dad and brother and his girlfriend and father in law all got to the hospital around 9:30 to await the birth of our little girl. I was the second section scheduled for the day, but it turned out that there was an emergency and I didn't end up going into the operating room until 2:00pm. By that time I was so thirsty I was a practically begging for a drink of water.

I was really nervous about the spinal but I had two great anaesthitists that really took care of me and made me incredibly comfortable. The surgery itself didn't take very long and by 2:25 Little G had joined us. I heard her cry when her head was out and then briefly saw her all covered in blood and goop before they took her to be cleaned up. Then the dr went in for the placenta at that point. I started shaking uncontrollably, shivering and teeth chattering. I found out later that I had lost a lot of blood at that point because the placenta was behaving as if the triplets had still all survived.

The weirdest part of the whole thing was when they were moving me from the operating table to another bed, it felt like they were going to roll me right off of the bed onto the floor.

Then I was taken to the recovery room. H was carrying the baby and he was supposed to carry her into the room with me, but instead he took a detour into the waiting room with the baby. That scared the nurses for a minute. It took three or four hours for the freezing to wear off. While in there I could have two visitors at a time. H left so that my parents could come in and see the baby. My Dad fell in love and wouldn't let anyone else hold the baby. It was great to see.

Eventually I was moved to my room for that night - a semi private room. It was horrible, the other patient
In the room had her husband with her all nigh and every time their baby cried they called for the nurse - I didn't get much sleep.
The next day we were moved into a private room. That was much better.

I fell in love with my little girl from her first cry. The first time i held her my heart fell at her feet.