Monday, August 31, 2009

No Goop in the Poop Shoot

Hmm, I guess that's an attention grabbing title for a post that has only a little to do with my poop shoot. Today I want to a GI specialist for a consultation regarding a colonoscopy. I'm only 38, but I have colon cancer and diverticulitis in my family (my Grandfather died from colon cancer and my Grandmother and Mom have diverticulitis). I had an episode of constipation a while ago that scared me because it was so painful and I went to the doctor. I'm not taking any chances with my colon health.

The appointment was this morning and it went really well. First, I found out that if your are a first degree relative e.g., sibling/parent/child to someone that has had colon cancer then you should have a colonoscopy at the age 10 years prior to the occurence in that relative or at the age of 40 - whichever comes first. Since I'm a 2nd degree relative (grandchild) then I don't have to have one until I'm 50. What a load off my mind! After discussing sypmtoms etc with the doctor she told me the following:

1. I probably have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and this can be controlled by diet
2. I have to have 30gm fiber in my diet every day
3. I have to lose weight (duh!)
4. I have to exercise 5 out of 7 days (again, duh!, but how do I motivate myself?)

So basically, she confirmed what I had already thought re the IBS. The change in my diet recently has really helped me and I won't bore you with the details.

The GOOD NEWS! My blood pressure was 120 over 75 = normal. The last two times, prior to today, that I've had my blood pressure taken I was borderline high. I have cut sodium out of my diet, along with the other stuff. I've lost 5 lbs and now have normal blood pressure again. Awesome!

On the TTC front, hmm, not sure where I am in the cyle. Just a minute, I'm going to go check...I'm on CD18, DPO??, I have no idea if I even ovulated this month. Oh well.

My blood pressure is normal and that's good enough for today.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Lovely Blog Award

I have been given the Lovely Blog Award. Thank-you Thank-you Thank you. Mad Hatter and Hope, right back atchya!

One Lovely Blog Award
1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered.
3. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I don't have 15 new blogs to post at this time, but as I find them I will do my best to give shout outs.

Thanks again for sharing in my story!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Back to School

I was reading JellyBelly's post about getting her classroom ready for the new school year and was overcome by a sense of nostalgia. I used to both dread and love this time of the year.

When I was kid (feels like eons ago now) each school year would end and we'd have to go back 2 weeks later to pick up our report cards. This was always a time filled with dread and anticipation. In the the folder with our report cards would be family passes (or maybe just kid passes) for the CNE - Canadian National Exhibition, a huge carnival with roller coasters and games to play. The CNE opens every year for the last two weeks of the summer so when you got to use your tickets that would mean school was just around the corner. Every year I would beg my parents to take me. Some years I would win, some years not so much. I remember going and just having to have that felt top hat with my name emblazoned in glittery silver paint across the front, going to the food building and getting Tiny Tom donuts piping hot and smothered in powdered sugar, begging my parents for a clip for my little purse - you know the clip with the long piece of leather and feather on the end. I'd find out much later that it was a roach clip - oops! No wonder my parents would laugh so much when I begged for one and ask "what are YOU going to do with it?" I remember the slimy DJ voice on the Polar Express ( a ride that basically had a bunch of two seater cars that went around in a circle and the person on the outside would get squished) when he'd yell out "Do you want to go faster? Let me hear you scream!" And, we'd all scream in answer. Then as my legs got tired and the night drew in all of the lights on the rides and at the games would come on and there'd be the smell of hot dogs and popcorn and cotton candy in the air. I can close my eyes and remember it so vividly. Then just as quickly as it started it would be over and I'd know that soon I would be back at school.

As a kid I would dread losing the freedom of the summer, not that I really got that at the time. But, I would soon be caught up in the "back to school" frenzy. New outfits and new shoes and new school supplies. I LOVED getting new school supplies. Funky pens, and brightly coloured binders, new plaid pencil cases and liquid paper that came in a pen. It was a heady time.

Sigh. I miss having such a structured life and being able to be excited about marking changes in time. The closest I get now is when the time changes to/from daylight savings every year. Yet another reason that I think it will be amazing to have kids - to watch them delight in the sounds and smells and colours of their youth and watch them mark the passage of time.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Provincial Government May Cover IVF

In Ontario a panel was put together to look at our reproductive care and adoption policies. Specifically, fertility treatments and the adoption process. Currently, in Ontario, if you have bilaterally blocked tubes the government will pay for IVF (now there are only two clinics that actually do the fully funded version in Ontario, otherwise, the IVF itself is covered but none of the drugs etc).

The findings from that panel have come out today, their recommendation is to cover 3 attempts at IVF for all women with fertility issues under the age of 42. The report says that due to the high cost of IVF, Dr.s are putting back the max number of embryos for transfer and therefore our rate of multiple births are very high. The recommendation is to have a lower number of embryos transferred (1?) thus lowering our multiples numbers and the cost of care for early labour, neo-natal care etc. They say that by doing this they can save between 450 Million and 500 million dollars in the next 10 years.

They have also recommended overhauling the adoption process in Ontario, having one central adoption body to ease the adoption process.

This is phenomenal, yet only a recommendation. My hope is that our provincial government will act on the recommendations.

Here is a News Story

Here is the Report

In Ontario, gender reassignment and ab.ortion are covered (please no debate on the merits of abo.rtion) I think that fertility treatments could be covered as well.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

16 & preggers

I watched an episode of the show 16 & pr.egnant last night. If you haven't seen it, it is a tv show produced by Morgan.Freeman for MTV. It is about teenagers that get pregnant and then follows their story through to the birth of the baby and what happens afterwards. It's a pretty realistic depiction. Some shows are where the kids choose to keep the baby, some they give them up for adoption. It shows the girls being ridiculed and ostrasized at school, dealing with their parents and then dealing with the repercussions of their choices.

In last night's show the teen couple gave up their child for adoption. The kids showed more common sense than their parents. The parents wanted the kids to keep the baby even though they had no way to pay for it/raise it and no stable home environment. The kids wanted their child to have a better life. Such an incredibly selfless decision. It was tough watching the show, seeing the eager faces of the adoptive parents and seeing the pain that the young couple were going through. It made me even more confused about the whole adoption process.

On paper adoption is wonderful. A couple/mother either doesn't want to or simply cannot raise the child themselves gives their baby to a family that is more than willing and able to raise it. Problem solved. But, there are so many more emotions at play. So many what ifs. And the what ifs are what get me.

What if the child grows up and decides at the age of 18 that they want to meet their birth parents? What if the child turns his/her back on the adoptive parents in favour of the birth parents? What if the child feels abandoned and empty because s/he doesn't know his/her background or even if they do? Adoption, like life, in reality is messy and uncomfortable and an answer to many people's dreams.

I have an aunt who gave her son up for adoption 35 years ago. She has recently been in contact with him. He's 35 and has two children. She's calling herself a grandmother, which is technically true. But, is she really? And if she is, does this take anything away from the adoptive grandmother?

The more we go along, the more we consider adoption as a way to build on our family. I am so torn about it. On the one hand we'd fulfill our dream of having a baby and a family, but on the other hand it feels like there will be a time limit on it. You know as soon as the kid meets the birth parents then we're done.

What are your thoughts on adoption?

Friday, August 21, 2009

Support Needed

My very good friend Fran and her husband Mike from Everyone Else But Me are in need of some support. They have just found out that they are going through a second ectopic pregnancy. Fran is scheduled for surgery to remove the tube et al today. If you have a moment, please stop by and give her some love.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Trying Something New

There is a study being done at my old clinic to see how Co-enzyme Q10 can assist with fertility in women over age 38 with high fsh. I am 38 and I have high FSH so I figured I'd give it a shot. The study is measuring the success from high dosage of CoQ10 - 800 mg. I bought it last month and figured if I didn't get pregnant I would up my CoQ10 intake... I was already taking around 100mg of it a day. I ordered 3 months of the high dose capsules and started taking them on Sunday. Hmmm, I keep calling them capsules, but their more like bullets... they're pretty big. It needs to be taken with soluble fat, luckily I take Omega 3 every day and that counts.

Additionally, I have heard about the wonders of Royal Jelly. I'm not a firm believer in its merit, but I figured it can't hurt. I ordered 3 months worth of that stuff as well. I'm going to go back to the clinic next cycle and then I'll measure my progress if any.

That is as much of a fertility plan as I have right now and I'm loving it!

I don't feel any different taking these supplements, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to. I've read that coq10 can help with high blood pressure. I was borderline high the last time I went to the doctor, so it may help with that as well.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Mish Mash

I got my period on Saturday, my cycle was 26 days last month. That's pretty good for me, I'll take it. It was disappointing to see the toilet paper tinged with blood and I had a moment of anger, of why me. Why can't this fucking happen. You know how it is, whether you're in the battle or on the other side. I forced myself back to the zen state of "it will happen". I was supposed to call in my Day 1 this cycle, but I just couldn't do it. I talked to H and let him know how great I feel not being at the clinic. He agreed that it's probably for the best for now. So, I just didn't make the call. I feel free and almost normal. We're still trying on our own and I have faith that it will happen for us.

This past weekend was pretty hectic. We have a little tiny den with two desks, 2 computers, a large and small filing cabinet, a ginormous bookshelf and a tall cd rack/thingy. We had to move all of that out of the room in order to paint it. This was the first time that H and I have decorated a room together. We moved into a house that had been recently done up in colours that we mostly liked so we really just had to move our stuff in. At any rate, there was minimal arguing, 2 coats of paint on the walls, 2 coats on the trim and we were done.We chose a shade of gray called Sweet innocence and a white for the trim called Wedding Veil. We had samples on the wall for a week just to make sure we picked the correct shade. Well, Sweet Innocence look a littl like baby blue in certain lights, with a grey undertone. It looks lovely, but would probably be as good for a baby's room as a den. Oh life's ironies. We also installed a light fixture. (I did it) I was terrified that even though the power was off that some residual energy waiting in the wires was going to shock the life out of me. Didn't happen. After a few grumbling arguments, a little sweat and some profanity the fixture was in place and working!

We also got news from our insurance company that they are going to write off our car. We have to forward them the bill of sale from our old car and they will then set an amount for the settlement. Sigh. I see a struggle ahead. They also informed us that once they give us the offer, we have our rental for 3 more business days, so basically we have to know what car we're going to buy right away so that we are not without wheels. We went to a dealership yesterday and conditionally purchased a beautiful, shiny car. It's bigger and more costly than what we have now. We kind of have a case of buyers' remorse, but we'll wait and see what happens.

In weight loss news, I'm down 5lbs.

ETA - i have been nominated for the Lovely Blog award. I will be writing a post on it in the next few days. Thanks!!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Today is CD24 I *think* I'm 10 DPO. Other than some sore boobs I don't have any symptoms. I really want this to be THE cycle, but I'm not too sure at this point. What I am sure about is that my body is giving me a nice normal cycle. If this is not THE ONE, then it means that I ovulated a little later than usual and it's more like a NORMAL person's. I am thankful that I am still ovulating and that my body will still give me these cycles. With high FSH your cycles get shorter and shorter and you ovulate earlier and earlier due to the immense amount of FSH being put in the system. The egg doesn't get to mature properly and therefore is harder to fertilize.

When I first started out TTC, the two week wait was torture as time moved I just hated it. Now, my perspective on the two week wait has changed, now there's a part of me that loves it. Because it represents possibilities. This little no man's land of the two week wait allows me to ask the "what if" questions, to think I may actually be pregnant and feel that little glow of anticipation. Yes, the let down of seeing AF can hurt emotionally, but then I have a fresh month to try. Hope used to hurt so much. I don't know where this sense of peace has come from, I just know that this journey has changed for me. I am willing to do all that I can to get and stay pregnant, but I am not willing to give up on me or my life. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I have been pregnant in the past, in October and December of 2008 I had chemical pregnancies. It is a real possibility for me to get pregnant naturally. Maybe that's what continutes to give me hope and peace of mind. The IVF showed that my eggs were a good quality and H.'s sperm is excellent. It's just a matter of time, effort and steely determination until we hit that magical combination of quality egg and stellar sperm, and have a pregnancy that sticks.


CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! To Fran of Everyone Else But Me, her repeat beta was 673 after her recent IVF.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Forgive Me

Sorry I haven't been posting or commenting a lot lately. I am busy most weekends right now. And, then there's what happened last night. There was a major storm in Toronto - 90km winds, pouring rain, continuous lightning and thunder. And, one of the beautiful 150 year old trees in our backyard decided it was time to die. Half of the tree fell on our car, my FIL's car, blocked our next door neighbour's driveway and fell into the street. Our car looks to be totalled. Thank god nobody was hurt.

The whole tree has to be taken down. It turns out that it's a city tree, so the city came and took most of it down. The rest - or as they call it the peg - will be coming down tomorrow.

It was a beautiful Locust Tree. It flowered every year, and when we had particularly steamy springs it reminded me of what the trees in the deep south must look like.

Bye bye beautiful tree.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

2WW - I think

So, I'm not temping right now - not just because my chocolate lab ate my thermometer again. I"m just taking a break from all of the stresses of my ttc voyage. I may be repeating myself here, but I believe that I ovulated on CD14 or so. Now I'm in my 2 week wait and am trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy. Well, normalcy for someone who has gone this far down the road of TTC.

Sorry if I'm not entertaining or interesting right now. I'm just kind of floating along and waiting to see what's next.

After all that I've been through, all of the crap at the fertility clinics, the doom and gloom diagnoses, I still feel like I am going to get pregnant. I'm just putting it out there in the world. I am going to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy child that will live a long and satisfying life. I will be there to see him/her grow up and have children of their own. I can see it and feel it.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009


I had a wonderful long weekend (that's why I haven't written in a while). We went to celebrate Simcoe Day at my friend's parents' place in Simcoe. It was fabulous. My parents took care of the dogs and we headed up there Saturday afternoon. It was fun to sit around have a few drinks and tell stories, play games etc with good friends.

Sunday we drove home dropped the stuff off and then went to my parents to pick up the dogs. It sounds like the weekend went well. I don't think they really wanted to take care of them, but did because we were in a tough spot. I think they were surprised at just how well behaved the dogs really were. It was a little bittersweet though. I know my parents would really love to be taking care of our kids rather than our pets. I would love for that to be the case as well.

Monday I did some yardwork and spoke to a neighbour that I have never spoken to in the 4 years that we've lived there. He was a very nice man. I was outside picking apples up off the ground and then off the small apple tree in our front yard. Geez those things make a mess, and he happened by and we had a small chat. Then I also trimmed the hedges, weeded the garden and raked up everything and bagged it. I actually really like working outside because it gives me a lot of time to think and daydream.

Today I'm back to work. Meh. It gets me out of the house.