Friday, May 30, 2008

Just gotta have faith...

On Monday H. is supposed to be starting a new job that has a big fancy title and a 6 figure salary. Yesterday, he was contacted by the employment agency he used and informed that the company no longer required his services. They gave some bogus reason (it’s not you it’s me…) and now H. is back to square one. No job in sight. He has two interviews today and has re-connected with some of the employment agents he was using, but this has really shaken him. He said it was like getting fired without ever having had the job. Poor H. We’re okay financially for now, but he really needs to get something quickly.

I kind of feel like H. dodged a bullet. The company that had initially hired him is an Internet start up and the CEO is around 26 years old. Can a 26 year old really have the life/business experience to be a CEO?! Clearly she didn’t handle this situation very well – we think the money person told her that she couldn’t spend as much as she offered H and then she started making up stories with the employment agency to get out of the deal. And, the entire thing was done via email – that’s right – the “CEO” didn’t have the balls to actually call and talk to either H or the employment agency. Who does business that way?

How does this affect our plan, you’d like to know… well let me tell you… It may push back the medicated IUI cycle. Right now we are targeting middle of July, but if H. doesn’t get another job for a while that may have to be revised. On the plus side, all of the meds are covered by my insurance - it’s really only the IUI that has to be paid for and that will cost between $300 & $500. The amount is manageable (read won't cripple us).

Of course, I’ve got that mind-fuck of a normal cycle happening so Hope (that bitch) is saying maybe we won’t have to pay anything…blah.

If you want to follow along in the fun, here’s a link to my FF chart:

By the way, I have complete faith in H. I know that he’ll get a great job with a decent salary – he is talented, smart and innovative so any company would be lucky to have him.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

My Mistake

Um, hi, so um (toeing the floor sheepishly) I think I was a little ahead of myself in that last post. 'Cause, well, I did ovulate. And, we had perfectly timed baby-making sessions. And, it seems like my body is actually doing what it's supposed to do this month. So, i feel a bit foolish about that last post. I guess, I'm still not handling this whole fertility/infertility thing very well. I thought woo hoo look at me taking my supplements and getting my acupuncture. My oh my aren't I so well adjusted and taking everything in stride. Ya right. My temp drops 0.1 degrees and I throw in the towel.

And now that bitch Hope is back. I really need to get a hobby or a busier job or something so that I have something other than the 2ww to focus on. Really, just something like knitting or checkers that will occupy me so that I can kind of forget that I'm infertile.

Monday, May 26, 2008


After a few days of lovely egg white cm and babymaking, I took my temp this morning expecting to see a spike... instead it had dropped .1 degrees F. This just drives me crazy. My stupid body. The minute that I allow hope to shine in poof my body brings me right back down to reality. At least I won't have a torturous two week wait.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Tra la la, ovulation has occured

I think I O'd yesterday. Nothing like jumping right in to the heart of the matter, eh?! I've had lots of egg white cm and my temp dropped yesterday with a nice spike in temp today. We've had some very well timed baby making sessions and now hope is seeping in.

At our last RE appointment, Dr. Handsome told us we have a 10% chance of getting pregnant naturally. That's better than 0% or 1% right? So, now that it appears that I may actually be experiencing a normal cycle I am filling up with hope that this month we may actually get pregnant. Yesterday morning I felt certain after our 'business' that we had succeeded. It's completely irrational and yet it's there - optimism.

In non-ttc news I have been thoroughly enjoying this weekend. The weather has been beautiful, warm and sunny. It makes me want to kick back and relax, soak up the warmth and drink a tasty girly drink out of an iced martini glass. Instead, I ran 2.5km yesterday and then H. and I drove around our neighbourhood going to open houses. Today, I finally cleaned the back rock garden of all of the debris and leaves that had gathered in it over the winter. Not back-breaking work but I'm glad it's done. My puppies kept me company while I was out there. I've included a picture of them so you can see how cute they are:

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Oh what a beautiful morning...

Today is a good day for a number of reasons.... H. got a job and not just any job - one that pays substantially and comes with a great title - VP of something or other. And, I went to acupuncture today which I love. I even had some needles in my belly. But the piece de resistance is the egg-white CM, I may actually be ovulating this month. Wonders will never cease!

About the job, both H. and I were getting worried because he was laid off on April 7th (or close to there) so he's been out of work for 7 weeks. On top of that I was sworn to secrecy about the lay off so that every time someone asked how he was doing and specifically how was his job, I had to lie. Hate being a liar no matter if it's for a good cause. The job is a nice step up for him, a great title and hopefully a challenge and even more hopefully it will be something he has for the next couple of years. I can't ever see him working at the same job year in and year out, but I'd like a little stability for the next little while.

About the acupuncture, I heart Dr. W. She is perpetually optimistic and has great insight. I never thought I'd like the acupuncture as much as I do, but I love it. I am so relaxed afterwards and always walk out with a big shit eating grin. The needles pre and post ovulation are different. Up until now I've had the needles as follows: one in the top of the head, one above the bridge of my nose (between my eyes), one in the inside of each ankle and one in the outside of each shin. Today they were in the top of my head, between my eyes, 3 in my lower abdomen, on the inside of each ankle and the inside of each shin. I said my little mantra for the 15 minutes or so I was lying there - Good Strong Healthy Ovaries and/or Good Strong Healthy Eggs.

Which leads me to the possibility of ovulating... my cycle has been completely whacked for the past four months. My temp dropped quite a bit 2 days ago, and then it went back to normal. Then today the egg-white cm showed up in great quantities, like it hasn't been for the past four months. So, based on that H. and I are going to have to get busy tonight and tomorrow night and the night after that, just to cover all of our bases. We only have a 10% chance of actually getting pregnant, but hey - if we don't do it we have no chance.

So, to re-cap - it's been a great day.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


I've had this question rolling around in my head for a while - "Why do I want children?". I find it such a difficult question to answer - the words are there just on the tip of my tongue, but I can't put them together eloquently.

As a kid, I was a tom boy, I was and remain fiercely independent. I wasn't like other little girls who had their weddings planned out and was just waiting to insert the groom. But, I did know I wanted to have kids - at one point I wanted to have 11 just like my Grandma. Then once I had some experience around babies, I adjusted that to 2 - a boy and a girl. I even had some names picked out over the years. Everyone in my family got pregnant so easily, I just knew it would be easy for me. Ha-ha.

The fact that I want children is as much a part of me as my name, the colour of my eyes or the birthmark on my ankle.

I want children because I long to be called Mom, I want to protect and love and guide and teach and cherish a little being - watch them say their first words, take their first steps and see the world through their eyes. I want to be able to witness my husband be the father I know he's born to be. I want to bury my nose in an infant's head and soak in the smell and know that this is my child. I want to have the arguments, experience the frustration, cry tears of sorrow to see them grow up and cry tears of joy to see them succeed. Of course, I want to see if they'll get my blue eyes or my husband's big nose.

There are so many reasons that I want children, they all seem so trivial to me, so selfish and yet I yearn for a child. That's why I'll put myself through everything - I'll take the supplements and acupuncture and injectibles and dildo-cams and ultrasounds and IUIs and whatever else may come - all in the hopes that at the end of it all we'll have our baby.

Friday, May 16, 2008


I don't usually post every day, but I had to make sure to post about the following. Today I read in the local newspaper that O*HIP is covering sex reassignment surgeries now. Well 10 surgeries per year, but still they're covered. While I applaud their decision to cover this type of surgery I fail to understand how this can be covered while fertility treatments are not. I know that many more people would take advantage of the fertility treatments than sex reassignment; I understand how this would affect O*HIP fiscally. But, there has to be something they can do other than cover only those women who have bilaterally blocked tubes for IVF.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

Oh - and on another note - on a whim I decided to re-check my benefits just in case I overlooked something. I did - we are actually covered for up to $2000 of fertility drugs. So, it's not quite as bad financially as we originally thought. Of course, if this was all covered by O*HIP we wouldn't have any stress.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

We have a plan!

I had my follow up appointment with the FC today. It was at noon, H. met me at the office and he was on time for once. I was very appreciative! Dr. Handsome came out and got us then brought us back to his office. He didn't look like he had very good news to give us so I was quite nervous. H & I sat down in the big plush black leather chairs that he has in his office. They are so soft that you sink right into them. Anyway, Dr. Handsome informed me that I have low ovarian reserve, or in other words I'm running out of eggs. He said our chances of getting pregnant naturally are about 10%. H's SA, while stellar the last time, was ridiculously low from a volume stand point. He took his Sudafed an hour prior to giving his most recent sample and the volume went up from 0.5ml to a respectable 2.7ml. So, indeed it was his sphincter.

The long and short of it is this. I'm going to be taking DHEA, Co-enzyme Q10 and R-alpha-lipoic acid every day until we are ready to start our IUI. That's right no IVF for us at this point - which I'm more than fine with. The supplements are supposed to help strengthen my remaining eggs. Apparently there hasn't been a lot of research about it and there aren't any adverse side effects so we're going with the "it can't hurt" school of thought. Who knows, I may end up being a patient in a research paper.

When we're ready to start I call them on CD 1, then I go in for CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound, then I start Letrozole, on CD 7 I shoot up with Puregon for around a week, then they trigger, H. goes in to drop off his sample and I go in a few hours later for the turkey baster.

We have about a 25% chance of the IUI working. So, we'll likely have to go back for a couple of these. And, if I'm a really good responder to the drugs, it may be turned into an IVF cycle which would give us a 60% chance of getting preggers.

We are both completely on board with this. We know we want kids, we know we want to pursue every means possible... BUT... the cost is pretty large. H. is not working right now, and we're already in debt up to our eyeballs. We have to find a way to make it work.

The costs breakdown like this:

IUI - $300, if they have to do two IUI's on one cycle it's $500
Letrozole - $50
Puregon - approx $700
Supplements - $100

One IUI can cost up to $1350. Dr. Handsome said it would probably take 4 to get pregnant - $5400

An IVF cycle without the drugs costs $7000.

None of this is covered by insurance. We don't know where we're going to get the money from. I spoke with my Mom today and she offered to loan us the money. She's awesome! But, we want to do this ourselves.

H and I talked a little bit about what our plan is going to be. Dr. Handsome said that the DHEA doesn't really take effect until after it's been taken for 2 months. So, maybe we'll stretch that to 3 months and start then. It will give us some time to save money and get ourselves ready.

Who knows. I'm really just excited that we have a plan.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Hope Glows

This morning on my way to work I stopped in at my Dr.'s office and got my rubella shot. Man, that hurt. Not the needle, but the vaccine itself. It really stings going in. In 4 weeks' time I will go back for follow up blood work and hope that it comes back as immune. I'm not sure what happens if the results come back as inconclusive again. Can you just keep getting the same immunization shot over and over?

AF arrived yesterday afternoon, well I don't know whether I should count it as day 1 or not. There was spotting in the afternoon and full flow in the evening. If yesterday was day 1 then my cycle was 29 days this month, if not it was 30 days. I am pretty happy about that because the prior two cycles were 32 days and then 17 days, the pattern has been a long cycle then a short cycle with the long one getting longer and the short one getting shorter. So, I am very happy with 29.5 days; now comes the wait to see exactly how long this cycle will be. I am hoping for a minimum of 25 days. Maybe the herbs that the naturopath gave me are working; maybe it's just my "positive" thinking .

Tomorrow at noon is my follow up appointment at the FC with Dr. Handsome. I'm nervous and excited about it because as much as I want to ready myself for a bad news session, there's so much optimism running around in me. I'm trying to reign it in but it keeps getting free. With my FSH level I know that there's probably a less than 5% chance that we can get pregnant naturally. And, even if we do IVF, if my eggs are no good then we may not get pregnant that way either. But, I can't help but feel hope. Hope glows like a bright yellow light in my belly and I don't want to extinguish it.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Insensitive Infertile

The results are back from my blood test - I am not immune to Rubella, well the results came back as "Inconclusive", so I have to go get immunized. Then we wait a month and repeat the blood work. Which also means whatever fertility plan Dr. Handsome has in mind for me will have to wait until I am proven immune. I was a little bummed when I got the news. It feels like we keep having these obstacles put in our way.

Then, today, I went to see my naturopath, Dr. W. - love her!!!! She is so positive all of the time. I told her about the rubella shot and she said not to get depressed about it, but to look at it positively. It gives us a chance to work for another month to get my body in the healthiest place possible for when I get pregnant. I know there are no guarantees, but I feel like I have a cheerleader in my corner. I had my second acupuncture session today, it was amazing too.

She put the needles in and then turned off the lights and left. I was so comfortable I almost fell asleep. Then after about 10 minutes she came in and readjusted the needles a little; then she left for another 10 minutes. I tried to think really positive thoughts while I was there, picturing myself pregnant. I was so relaxed and in a great state of mind when I left.

On a completely different note, I go on a message board pretty regularly and communicate/commiserate with other infertiles. It is such a supportive community; it has helped me get through some horrible days and has also helped me learn so much about infertility. I hope I help the other women on the board at least as much as they've helped me.... BUT... I feel like I haven't paid my dues sometimes. They don't make me feel that way, but I read their posts and see their struggles and realize that to this point my infertility is still just a theory. I haven't injected myself or gone through failed IVF/IUI cycles (just about 20 failed natural cycles). I haven't miscarried. I don't have the emotional scars of infertility. So to that extent I can't relate. I can't relate to hating Mother's Day or the other insecurities of being infertile (yet). Maybe if I had been through a couple of failed IVFs and all of my friends were dropping babies like flies then I would feel that way. I feel like an insensitive infertile for not understanding how they feel.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Getting Ready

Not much is new on the fertility front. H. goes for his repeat SA tomorrow; although the numbers were great at the last one his volume was a little low (well a lot low). They think it might be retrograde ejaculation, which really just means instead of it coming out it goes back into his bladder. Dr. Handsome said it could be happening because his sphincter doesn't tighten up enough (tee hee - sphincter's a great word). Apparently, they have found that if you take Sudafed, one of it's many healing powers is to tighten the sphincter - et voila - more volume out the other end. So, H. is to take a capsule 1 hour before he does the deed. Poor H., I don't envy him having to do that at the dr.'s office. Can you imagine if the Dr. said, oh and now you have to go behind that door and get yourself off while I and my nurses wait for you. I am pretty sure I'd have a little bit of performance anxiety.

My task prior to our next appointment was to get blood taken to see if I am immune to Rubella (German measles). On my prior blood work it came back as inconclusive, so I have to re-do the test. I called my Mom and asked if she remembered if I had been immunized for Rubella. Of course, my Mom being the organized woman that she is, still has a box of all of my and my brother's immunization records. I was immunized on May 4, 1972. So, does immunization fade over the years? Can it simply just disappear?

So, I guess there is a little bit happening on the fertility front, but we still don't have a plan. I'm all about having plans; but right now, I just feel like I'm at loose ends. And, of course, with the little information that I have, I am thinking the worst.

Yet through it all, I have this hopefulness residing inside of me. A sureness (if that's a word) that we are going to get pg and we are going to be parents and that this whole journey will be worth it.

Friday, May 02, 2008

36.5 degrees Celsius

This morning I remembered to take my temperature! Woohoo, hopefully this will become a habit again. Part of the deal with my naturopath is that I will temp every day. I have found it so difficult to start temping again. I think out of the list of things I am supposed to do that the temping thing is the most difficult.

Here's the rules I am to live by:

No sugar
No caffeine
No dairy
Temp every day
Take 3 capsules of Chinese herbs twice a day.

So far so good with the rules. The sugar thing has been kind of difficult, the caffeine things was pretty easy, but the dairy thing - oh I miss my dairy. I love starting the day with a bowl of granola and fat free yogurt. Now I'm just feeling my way as to what I eat when. I definitely have to sit down and give it some thought so that I can have a plan.

On a completely different note, my Mom sent my brother and I an email today informing us that she spent the night in the hospital. I find this so weird. I know that she didn't have my Dad call us because she didn't want to worry us, but I still wish that I had known. Of course, there's nothing I could have done and she definitely would not have wanted us at the hospital, but I still feel like we should have been told. She went in because she thought she was having a heart attack. She had an EKG and chest xray and had a bunch of blood taken, but so far the only thing they can find is that she has very low blood pressure. She was released this morning and has to have a stress test on May 20th and she's got an appointment with her own doctor on May 15th. It's so scary.

I keep forgetting that they are getting older; my Mom just turned 60 and my Dad turned 65. So they're not that old, but... Of course, with the whole IF thing I start worrying "what if something happens to them" "what if they're so old/ill by the time they have grandkids that they can't enjoy them". So then I start feeling sorry for myself and now suddenly it's about me and not my Mom. argh!