Saturday, January 22, 2011

4 Weeks Old

This past Thursday my darling girl turned 4 weeks old. Everyone says that time flies by and to enjoy every minute, but I truly didn't grasp just how quickly time would actually go.

Today she wore her first 0 - 3 months outfit, until now she has been exclusively in newborn clothes. A lot of the 0to3 stuff is too big for her still, but there you have it, she's growing. We have her 1 month appointment on Tuesday so I'll know then how much weight she's put on and just how much she's growing.

I'll tell you something, as much as I love her and I can't even quantify how much that is, there is a part of me that is sad. Everyone keeps saying how much she looks like H. H. will come home from work and say "so and so saw the pictures of Little G and they couldn't stop saying how much we look alike". I talk to my Mom and she says oh, I showed the pics of Little G to your Aunt or to my friend and they can't get over how much she looks like H." It breaks my heart a little, she will never look like me, there's nothing about her that could be mistaken for me. That part of the donor egg process is still tough to get over. I will get over it; it's not like my every waking moment is spend focused on it, but it is there none the less. I thought I was prepared for it, but I guess my skin is not quite toughened up yet. I'll get there. It's just tough.

Weirdly, at the same time as I am grieving the genetic link, I think that I have the baby that was meant to be mine. She was the one waiting in the wings for me to get my act together and come into my (our) life.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Faulty body

Being pregnant was a reprieve for me from my faulty body. For the first time in a long time my body was doing exactly what it was supposed to be doing. It nurtured and grew my beautiful baby girl. Before that, my ovaries basically shrivelled up before they were supposed to. Despite still getting my period every month my eggs were just no good and we couldn't get pg on our own.

Since giving birth, my body has reverted to it's faulty self. Now it's the breastfeeding thing. My breasts are not made for breastfeeding. I have gone to exclusively formula feeding. It has been a difficult transition emotionally for me because it is just one more thing that my body won't do properly. H has been amazing and supportive as i have worked through my feelings around this. Ultimately it comes down to the fact that we have a healthy baby girl. My body did the most important thing - growing our child.

As for how I am now, I am healing from the c section. It is very painful today I overdid it yesterday and now I am paying for it. The best side effect from having the baby has been the weightloss. I lost 28 pounds within a week of giving birth. I had only put on 2 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight so I have lost a total of 26 lbs. Crazy!

H and I are already talking about going back to Brno and using our frozen embryos. I am on the fence a little about this because I don't want to cheat Little G out of having her parents all to herself. If it works there will be almost 2years between kids. I know I sound like I am putting the cart before the horse, after all there are no guarantees that this will work. I need to be ready for whatever happens.

Update on Little G

She is doing well, gaining weight and is smiling alot albeit from gas. It is still so cute when the smiles come across here face.
She has her days and nights a bit mixed up but hopefully that will work itself out in the coming weeks.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

G's birth story

I need to get this down in writing while it is still fresh in my mind. I want to have it for G when she is older.

On Thursday December 23rd I was scheduled to have my c-section at 10:00am. We were up early and at the hospital for around 7:30am as per my instructions I hadn't had anything to drink or eat since before midnight the previous night. That was really difficult because I had been really dehydrated at night. When we got to the hospital we had to wait for about half an hour before being brought into the pre-op room.
My Mom and Dad and brother and his girlfriend and father in law all got to the hospital around 9:30 to await the birth of our little girl. I was the second section scheduled for the day, but it turned out that there was an emergency and I didn't end up going into the operating room until 2:00pm. By that time I was so thirsty I was a practically begging for a drink of water.

I was really nervous about the spinal but I had two great anaesthitists that really took care of me and made me incredibly comfortable. The surgery itself didn't take very long and by 2:25 Little G had joined us. I heard her cry when her head was out and then briefly saw her all covered in blood and goop before they took her to be cleaned up. Then the dr went in for the placenta at that point. I started shaking uncontrollably, shivering and teeth chattering. I found out later that I had lost a lot of blood at that point because the placenta was behaving as if the triplets had still all survived.

The weirdest part of the whole thing was when they were moving me from the operating table to another bed, it felt like they were going to roll me right off of the bed onto the floor.

Then I was taken to the recovery room. H was carrying the baby and he was supposed to carry her into the room with me, but instead he took a detour into the waiting room with the baby. That scared the nurses for a minute. It took three or four hours for the freezing to wear off. While in there I could have two visitors at a time. H left so that my parents could come in and see the baby. My Dad fell in love and wouldn't let anyone else hold the baby. It was great to see.

Eventually I was moved to my room for that night - a semi private room. It was horrible, the other patient
In the room had her husband with her all nigh and every time their baby cried they called for the nurse - I didn't get much sleep.
The next day we were moved into a private room. That was much better.

I fell in love with my little girl from her first cry. The first time i held her my heart fell at her feet.