Friday, October 30, 2009

It's Too Early

So, I got my period this morning on CD21. This has been such a weird cycle what with me ovulating on day 9-ish, then the displaced rib and my boobs have been sore since the day after ovulation. I just feel like everything is all out of whack. And, of course, I thought because my boobs have been sore the entire time, which they usually aren't that I was pregnant. I really thought it. If any doubts crept in I pushed them aside. I thought finally this has to be it. And then I went to the washroom this morning and there it was light red blood streaking the tp.

Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to go to the clinic. I hate the early mornings and the futility of it all. I just want to bury my head in the sand and ignore what is facing me. My God, I wanted to be pregnant at Christmas this year. It's this huge fixation I have. I just can see myself at my parents' house pregnant over Christmas. Seems to be just some dumb fantasy now.

This sucks.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Heart Attack that Wasn't

This morning I rolled over and got out of bed like any other morning. As I was making my daily trip down the hallway to the stairs, down the stairs to the bathroom, I was overcome with pain. Pain that was wrapped around my left shoulder blade and seemed to go deep through my body to the front and wrap around my left breast. I thought, to myself "holy fuck am I having a heart attack" as I sat on the toilet doing my daily business. The pain was so intense that I didn't want to move, then the panic attack started to descend. Until that point my breathing was fine and I wasn't sweating, it was just pain. A lot of pain. All I could think was that I'm going to die on the toilet. OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO DIE ON THE TOILET! I yelled out to H. that he had to go get my clothes and we had to go to the hospital. It's funny what goes through your brain when you think there's a possibility you might die. #1 I am not ready to die, #2 I certainly did not want to die on the toilet, because if the heart pain didn't kill me the mortification certainly would.

H. was barely awake and was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. He managed to get me my clothes, get himself dressed, get the dogs back in their crates and grab a couple of granola bars... in the same amount of time it took me to get dressed. We didn't have showers, or brush our teeth. I didn't even get to run a brush through my hair and as luck would have it, my brush was in a different bag.

We got to the hospital in pretty good time. I was seen immediately. They did an EKG, blood work and a chest x-ray. H. wheeled me down to the x-ray room and it was only as they were calling me in that I thought what the hell am I doing. I could be pregnant (there is a slight chance) and I'm going in for an x-ray. I talkd to the xray person (have no idea what they're called) and she double - leaded me so I should be fine.

Then we were sent back to the waiting room to await my results. By this time, the pain was only happening if I moved certain ways, e.g. crossed my legs, bent over etc. If I was sitting in one place I was fine. Luckily. Because we sat in one place for 7 and a half hours. In that time we ate a granola bar each, drank a bottle of water each and H had a bag of chips. Also in that time the waiting room filled to overflowing. The H1N1 flu has landed in Toronto, the cover of the paper today featured the sad story of a 13 year old boy that they believe died due to H1N1. Hysteria was running rampant. Or so we thought as we smugly looked at this hacking, dripping messes around us. Until, the nurses were all suddenly wearing the blue gloves instead of the white ones, and the heavy duty smocks instead of the pleasant yellow ones, oh and the lovely face masks and protective eye wear. Then one of these nurses calmly told the waiting room that there was a confirmed case of H1N1 and that we should all wear these masks. She insisted that each and everyone of us wear them. I felt like I was in some TV drama and not in a waiting room waiting to find out if I'm going to die.

After the 7 and a half hours, we were taken into a small exam room, where we waited for another half an hour to see the doctor. He eventually came in and introduced himself. He asked me a bunch of questions about myself, my health etc. Then got down to brass tacks. It was NOT a heart attack. My blood work, ekg and chest xray all came back normal. Phew! Then he moved on to other possibilities and asked me a bunch more questions. He then determined it was most likely a musculo-skeletal (I think that was the word) issue. He began pressing very hard on my back around my spine until he found a very tender spot. aha - a displaced rib. Somehow, in the course of my sittind and knitting, doing core rhythms dvds, lying in bed and sitting at my desk I have displaced a rib. Whenever I move in certain ways that puts pressure on the rib, the nerve endings and muscles around it contract, in essence stabilizing it. This translates into a whole lot of pain for me. But, it was also very very good news.

After 9 hours in the ER, we were finally released. We promptly called our parents to let everyone know that I was fine and then headed straight to Subway to get some dinner.

Now, I'm simply exhausted. I think I'll have a bath and read a good book.

And, then thank my lucky stars before I go to sleep.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Sad News

My cousin is miscarrying again. I feel so bad for her, she’s devastated. Her beta went down instead of up and now she just has to wait for nature to take its course. I really thought this was it for her. They’ve been trying for around a year and have now had two miscarriages and a chemical. So, they can get pregnant, but haven’t been able to stay pregnant yet.

I was envious of her pregnancy; I’m so ashamed of myself for that. I didn’t begrudge her. I just want it so badly to happen for me. Now, I just don’t know. Is being able to get pregnant but not carrying to full term easier/better than not being able to get pregnant at all? I don’t think so.

This is the cousin that I thought the next time she was pregnant that I’d get pregnant. We’d be pregnant together. It all just doesn’t make sense.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Half Way Point

One week of the two week wait down, one to go. I have just been living life and trying not to obsess with some things going on with my body. I even went to a party on Saturday and had a couple drinks. I have lived the two week wait so many times, sacrificing what I ate and drank all of the sake of a non-existent fetus. So, this time although I hope there is something growing in there, I'm just going to be. The party was a 50th for a family member and it was a blast!

Speaking of hope, remember when I said I got my Core Rhythms dvds? Well, H. had ran the run.for.the.cure before that and he pre-ordered the shirt that came with his registration in my size. When he gave it to me I threw it over a back of a chair without much of a glance. Later I decided to wear it to dance in. Well, on the front in large capital letters is the word HOPE. The t-shirts all have a word like Hope or Dream or Believe on them. I'm going to take it as a sign from the universe that I have reason to hope.

On Sunday, I went to my last knitting project class. I got a lot done, but only learned how to sew the shoulders together. The teacher said to email her or go to the store for help, but I went home and did a little research and kind of made up a stitch (look at me go!). Tonight I will go home and finish sewing the sides of the body up, then I will weave in all of my ends and my sweater will be complete. I will hopefully post pictures of it when it's done. I can't find any good pictures of the pattern on the web. It's a ribbed patter (knit 6 purl 2)in a chunky peruvian wool that has not been dyed. It's a charcoal gray colour.

My next project will be for ME! Here's what I'll be knitting:

Except I will be knitting this in a different charcoal gray light cotton wool.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Another one

I just found out another of my cousins is pregnant. 2 announcements in 3 days. Weirdly, this cousin has been trying for almost a year and has had a miscarriage (same basic scenario as the first announcement). The interesting thing about this is that I have always thought to myself that cousin #2 and I would be pregnant at the same time... that the next time she got pregnant after her loss, that we'd be pg together. So, I'm choosing to believe this is a sign of good things to come.

I got my Core Rhythms dvds in the mail today. I tried the first dvd - it was so much fun. This could be something I can actually stick with. I'm not ultra coordinated, but I love to dance, so I think it's something that won't actually feel like working out.

I got a couple of questions in the comments from my last post that I want to address>

Iamstacey asked if my doctor could do something to open the closed tube. Here's the thing, they don't actually believe it's closed - they think it was a temporary cramp that closed it during the SHG. I'd had an SHG a year earlier and everything was good. I worry though because during my IVF the dr. kept trying to get a follicle on my left ovary and it kept bouncing away. It was very painful, and now I have some intermittent pain over there. My new dr. told me that the ovary bouncing away would not have caused any damage to the tube. So who knows.

Fran asked if they could give me something to suppress/slow ovulation. They told me that there is a medication that can be given but it really only works if you're on stims. So, I just have to live with it.

This Dr. is my 2nd opinion. There is a dr. in Toronto that deals with high FSH patients and works with DHEA etc. I've heard really mixed reviews about him and I'm not sure I want to make the switch. His clinic is not right downtown so, it's a little more difficult to get to as well. H. & I have talked and we're going to stick it out with this clinic at least for a couple more cycles. Then we'll have to reassess.

Oh, and I made my acupuncture appointment for Thursday. I can't wait to go back.

ETA - Had to change the template to my blog. Today I looked at it and couldn't stand it for another minute!

Monday, October 19, 2009


What can I say, I went back to the clinic and now I’ve ovulated on day 9 or 10. Stellar cycle. I could have told the clinic this would happen, I tried to tell H, but somehow I didn’t make myself clear. When I do progesterone support it messes up the following cycle. It’s like even though my body doesn’t have a period, it just amps up for the following cycle. So, I ovulate early, really early. And the follicle/egg isn’t mature, but my body doesn’t care and just forces it out.

Yesterday was a busy day, I had to go to the clinic and then go to my project knitting class. I love it, by the way. So, I wasn’t home to get the call from the clinic. Dr. H2.0 called himself. No IUI this month, egg not mature. I had mentioned to H that I thought that even though the injectible fsh doesn’t make me produce a lot of eggs, that it helps the eggs get to maturity. So, H mentioned this to Dr. H2.0 and of course the doctor rejected that theory. Reading between the lines was “we’re not prepared to do anything, experiment at all, up meds etc to get you pregnant. If you choose donor eggs, we’re here for you”. I think I actually felt the top of my head pop off.

H. didn’t know to ask about follicle size, which ovary it was on etc, so I have emailed them today for the info. We’re having sex and hoping, but I really feel so little hope these days.

I realized that it’s been a while since I have gone in for acupuncture. The one thing that I can tell that acupuncture has helped me with is ovulating later. So dumb to have let my sessions lapse, I am calling today to get back in this week.

H. woke up this morning, rolled over and told me “I had a dream last night that I got you pregnant. So, I’ve decided this is it – you’re pregnant”. A little dagger went straight to my heart.

Not sure I mentioned this, but H. had the new car at work on Wednesday and when he got down to the car after work it had a flat tire. He had an exam that night so I had to take a cab to the car ($31 across town) and wait for road side assistance to come and change the tire. On Saturday, I brought the car in to have the tire fixed. Since the dealership is out by my parents and went and hung out with them for the morning. It was nice to see them and spend some time with them. I found out my cousin is pregnant and due the week of my birthday next year. Such wonderful, fabulous news for them, they’ve been trying for over a year and have suffered a miscarriage, so I’m truly truly happy for them. I’m really trying to keep the green monster at bay, but I’m doing a miserable job.

Oh, I’ve been nominated for an award. I will be posting it shortly. Thanks Fran!

***This just in*** Received from my nurse via email:

"The follicle was 1.8 on the left ovary. The estrogen was down which happens just prior to ovulation. The lining was 0.9.

See you November 2nd for the pregnancy test."

So, the egg is mature (or close to it), and my lining fluffed up from the 0.6 on Saturday. The only problem is that my left tube was blocked at my SHG earlier this year. Ovulation probably occurred yesterday, maybe today. Damnit, we should have had sex Saturday night, but they told us not to. Oh well, coming from the left there's not much of a chance that anything will happen. It's just nice to see that the follie increased in size so much from one day to the next - it was 1.5 on Saturday.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

No IVF for Me

So, a few people asked why my RE won't do IVF with me even though my numbers are so good. It's because I don't respond to meds. I was on 300 ius of Puregon for my IVF and I got 3 follicles and 1 egg. One of the follicles looked to be a cyst. During an EPP (which I don't feel was really EPP) monitored cycle I was on 300ius of Puregon again and there were 6 follies in play, but only one grew to maturity. This was with two different REs and neither would boost the meds higher. Which frustrated me to no end.

I know that being overweight can impede your response to meds as well. I am significantly overweight. So here's my plan. I'm going to lose weight and then I am going to demand one last IVF with my eggs.

You see, I told H. that my dream, if money was not an object, is to do the following.

Give myself 3 months of dedicated working out and eating right. I should be able to lose around 20 to 25lbs in that time conservatively. Then force Dr H2.0 to do a full on IVF cycle with me. I've never done an antogonist cycle or a full EPP. For my IVF we just started meds and away we went. And, I want him to be aggressive - at least 450ius starting on Day 2. I want him to give me a final chance with my eggs, pulling out all of the stops. Then if that didn't work we'd go to donor eggs. That's my perfect world scenario. (well, we all know my capital P Perfect world would be a natural pregnancy that goes full term and ends with a healthy baby).

We can't afford to do both a final IVF with my own eggs and also donor eggs. So, we have a decision to make. If I'm really being honest with myself, we can't even afford either of those options. But we can't afford not to as well.

So, that's my story on why we can't do IVF as per my RE.

Oh, here's the thing. I lack motivation. I know what I want to do, need to do, but I can't get my ass in gear. Please help! Give me ideas on how to get out of this funk and start taking care of myself.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

CD4 Blood work

Went back to the clinic this morning to see if we are about to embark on number 2 of the 4 cycles our clinic gave us before they give us the boot. I was filled with dread and really didn't want to go. I was also still slightly pissed at them because I called in my day 1 and didn't get a call back, so I missed Day 3. But, the hope of getting pregnant trumped my anger and misgivings so I dragged my big old butt to the clinic.

Just got the call and here are the numbers:

FSH - 8.1
E2 - 168 (in Canada under 200 is what they want to see)
Right ovary - 2 follies
Left ovary - 1 follie

It makes me mad that I missed day 3; if I have 8.1 on day 4, then what was it on Day 3? Could it have been less than 8?

On a completely different note, it was Canadian Thanksgiving yesterday. My family celebrated on Sunday. There were 40 of us for a potluck lunch followed by a scavenger hunt, turkey bingo, trivia, pinata and karaoke. It was a lot of fun and made for a long day. My cousin was there with her beautiful 5 month old daughter. BB is gorgeous,and I held her and cooed at her for a long time. Every second that ticked by was both amazing and heartbreaking. Amazing because she's so little and it's so neat to see the world through her eyes. But, so heartbreaking because I.WANT.THAT. My soul was aching while I held her close and breathed in that uniquely baby scent. All I could think is "when will it be my turn?" There is a big part of me that thinks it's never going to happen. Words are so powerful, I really didn't even want to pu that in writing. but, it's true and I must own it. There is still a big part of me that believes that I will be pregnant and we will be parents. Hope thrives in my soul.

I know that there are no guarantees in life, but this - my fertility - is never something I even questioned. Would I meet a guy and get married? I didn't really ever see that happening. That was something I questioned. Would I ever own my own home? That was very doubtful. But, would I be a mother someday was always answered with a "damn right". Even if there was no husband there were always children in my future. Now, I just sit here and think "What happened?"

Which brings me back to this cycle. I want to do IVF again. Dr. H2.0 has said no to that. He'd consider doing a natural ivf, but really only wants to go with donor eggs. Known de at that. I do not want to do known donor eggs. There's too much baggage, for me, that comes along with that. Do I look at changing clinics again? Or do I find a way of swaying his opinion. If we go with anonymous de then we will be changing clinics. I just don't know what to do.

Friday, October 09, 2009


Is using donor eggs or donor sperm fair to the child? This is just one of the many questions that plague me when I think about going the donor egg route. A child produced from DE or DS is sort of caught in a no man’s land. Not a full biological child of the parents, and yet not an adopted child. So where do they fit? And, how do they feel as they grow up knowing their roots? It’s pretty obvious to track the emotional and logical thoughts of an adopted child. S/he would want to know where they came from, who were his/her parents and why was s/he given away. A DE/DS child would have similar issues but not have the feeling of being given away. The DE/DS child can look at one of her parents (assuming that the parents are a heterosexual couple) and see oh I have his eyes and my hands are just like his, but would still have the questions of “what about the rest of me”. Is it fair to put a child through this to ease the ache in my soul?

When you adopt, you are in a sense rescuing a child from a bad situation. By bad I mean it can be as ‘simple’ as the bio parents realizing they are too young to provide the environment the child deserves. There is some sense that, yes, there will be issues and explanations that need to be made, but that is part and parcel of the adoption process. Now, when it’s DE or DS, you are creating the child and knowingly, purposefully, creating these issues. Does the love that you provide, the joy and comfort and tears and heart ache and worry and caring that the parents express make up for the questions of “why don’t I look like you” “who is my mother”? Or, I am just over-thinking this?

I don’t know anyone that has gone through this process. I think it would be really helpful to hear stories of women/men that have gone the route of DE. What was their thought process? I’d also love to hear from the children although I’m not sure how long DE has been around – there may not be anyone that is an adult DE offspring.

I’m not looking to open up a debate on the merits or morality of DE, but am interested in hearing your opinion.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Our Sisters

I have a friend at work that is the same age as me. She is single and is currently living at home. She has an on again off again boyfriend (who is sort of in a relationship – very long story) and she doesn’t see the prospect of getting married any time soon.

We were talking about my infertility quite a while ago and something she said has stuck with me. I said something about the fact that I never imagined that something I want so much is something that my body won’t give me. I said also that I had never pictured my life without having children. You know how it was just something on the list of things that would just naturally happen for me. Kind of like, I don’t know, getting boobs or having my first period.

She said to me that she feels the same way about having the “chance” to have a child. Her ideal (like a lot of us) is to find the man she loves, get married and then have children. She’s 38 years old and hasn’t really even found the man she loves. There’s no physical reason (that she knows of) that she can’t have children. It’s just life that has happened to her.

What do you think is worse – infertility or simply having to deal with life’s whims. It seems pretty similar to me. I think that we forget about the women who go silently through life, focus on their careers while their fertile years slip by without a stable companion in their lives. Or simply, without the money to have a child on their own.

I realize now that our silent sisterhood is a lot larger than I realized at first glance. There are more reasons than just the physical for us to be pasting the smiles on our faces and soldiering on.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

This just in

Beta is a negative. Not surprised, but still upset. I want to take next month off to focus on me. Me me me. I'm kind of sick of thinking about me.

I guess that's it for now.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

It's Been a While

Oops, didn't mean to let so much time pass between my last post and well, this new post. It's been a pretty uneventful week or so in which I battled progesterone side effects. Sore boobs (now gone), massive headaches (now gone), massive nausea (residing) and diarrhea (also residing). Oh,I've been a joy to be around. This morning was supposed to have been my beta - oops didn't make it to the clinic on time. Like I told H., if it was a + today, then it would still be a + tomorrow and same goes for a -. Whatev. The good thing is that I know that I respond to progesterone. No breakthrough bleeding whatsoever which is nice.

In other news, I have been taking a knitting class to learn how to knit a sweater. It has been awesome. So far I have the back of the sweater and one sleeve completed. The best part is that I have learned some tricks of the trade for undoing mistakes without a lot of frustration and increasing/decreasing the number of stitches. I've also learned how to read a pattern properly. At first when I read the pattern it was like reading Chinese. Now, I'm all good. I'll try to take some pictures to post as I go along. It feels like such an accomplishment knitting something that's not square or rectangular.

Well, that's pretty much it for now. I will update tomorrow with the results. I'm going to talk to H. about taking next month off from the clinic. My cycle is usually all wonky from the progesterone, so I will take the opportunity to jump back on the fitness wagon. From a weight stand-point I haven't really gained or lost anything recently. I need to get my caboose in gear.