Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009 – The Year in Review

I have to admit I’m happy to see this year almost over. It hasn’t been a stellar year. It marked my highest FSH reading to date – 19.9, a couple failed IUIs, a failed IVF, a change of clinics (the grass wasn’t any greener), month after month of monitored natural cycles and finally an acceptance of moving on to donor eggs. I have made lots of bloggy friends, found lots of love and support here in the inter world. I hope I have given back as much as I have received.

Despite the fertility stuff, which tends to takeover everything and which is the main focus of this blog, in other areas life has been pretty good. TOUCH WOOD. H. has been gainfully employed and has flourished in his new job that he started in December 2008 (oops that should be since November 2008 - sorry H!). He even got a raise recently. We rented a cottage in July that was wonderful. I am luckily in a role where I have a little freedom, make ok money and have about 5 weeks of vacation a year. Our friends and families are happy and healthy. We did lose Y this year, in her 89th year. So, our year was not completely tragedy free. There were ups and downs throughout the year, but in the end I think they pretty much balance out. I feel like H. and I have taken another step towards each other and to understanding each other. Even after almost 10 years together we are still negotiating our space and learning about each other. It awes me that I have found someone who is so devoted to me. Not sure how I got so lucky.

I’m sure 2010 will again be a series of ups & downs, lows & highs, but I am also sure it’s the year I will be pregnant and we’ll be on our way to fulfilling our family.

The New Year represents a clean slate to me, can’t wait to see what I write all over it.

ETA: I wrote this post last week. I forgot that I had written it. H's uncle died on Christmas day, we spent the last couple of days driving to and from Ottawa for the funeral. (about a 4 to 5 hour drive each way). ON a TTC note, this year did not end the way I wanted it to... BFN, I was really hoping for my own little Christmas miracle. I've just been away from the blogs, not posting, not commenting. I'm sorry, I just had to pull back a little bit. For those of you about to POAS I salute you.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you have a wonderful day filled with love and laughter.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

It's Going Around

I have a sniffly nose (not really congested, don't really have to blow my nose, it's more like post-nasal drip), sneezing occasionally my great big booming sneezes and I'm bone-tired. My co-workers are all feeling like this. Our whole team has this stupid bug. That's why I feel so tired, there is a little woe is me in there, but it's mainly the bug.

Finished buying for my bro and his girlfriend, I have a couple more things to buy for my parents, a couple things to buy for my FIL and a few things for H. I'm slowly getting to the end of my Christmas shopping. Thank goodness the store opens at 8am.

My friends and I were talking about Christmas specials the other day. One of my absolute faves is "Nes.tor the Long-eared Chris.tmas Don.key". It's animated in the same vein as Rudolph. I just loved it as a kid. My favourite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, Scrooged, White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, Elf and I think that's it.

What are yours?

Monday, December 21, 2009


H and I went for breakfast with his Dad yesterday and then made our way to the Eat.on Centr.e for a little Christmas shopping. We were on our way to Wil.liams and So.noma when we passed the Santa Claus and the line of smiling anxious children and parents. Santa was good, I mean really good. I mean Miracle on 34th St good. He had a great red suit trimmed with faux fur and a real beard. The little kid in me jumped for joy when she saw him. We meandered past the group and up to the next level to the store. I decided I'd wait outside, which meant I could lean on the banister of the upper level and look down to the ground below where families were getting their picture taken with Santa. My heart ached as family after family placed their kids on Santa's knee. It was such a heart warming scene to be privy to, but also it just killed me. I held back the tears as the longing swelled inside of me. I want to be a Mom placing her child on Santa's knee, taking his / her picture or laughing as the child makes shy. It hurt to watch the scene below, but I just couldn't turn away.

H, and my parents and my brother and my father in law have all asked me what I want for Christmas, they asked me to provide a list. I don't need a list for that, there's really only one thing that I want. All I want for Christmas is to have a healthy baby; to have our family be completed.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

So Tired...

Yawn. I am so exhausted. I am fighting off a cold and all I want to do is sleep. On top of that I just started the Crinone last night... was supposed to start the day before. And, I am just done with everything. I'm done with work and I'm done with my co-workers and I'm done with this year. I haven't got all of my Christmas stuff done and I'm completely over this holiday.

I can't believe how much stuff I have left to do. I have my Dad, H's Dad, my brother and his girlfriend and my Grandmother to buy for still. Oh and I also have to finish buying H's gifts and buy all the stuff to fill his stocking. Did I mention that all I really feel like doing is sleeping.

And, I have been eating nothing but crap. I've gained 3lbs and feel disgusting.

Do you think I could be depressed? I have felt like this for so long I don't even know if it really is just being tired or just being tired of everything. I can't wait for 2010 and a fresh perspective on things.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Done at the Clinic for 2009

This morning apparently I had a conversation with H wherein I told him that I wasn't going to the clinic today because I overslept. (The conversation took place around 6am). Well, H. being H. he took me at my word and was lolly gagging around our house. Having no recollection of the conversation, I of course was hounding him "when are you going to be ready, what do you have left to do, are you going to be ready soon etc etc" After not getting anywhere with him and starting to be in serious jeopardy of missing the clinic hours I said "It's 5 to 8am, I have to go to the clinic, when are you going to be ready?!" (ok, it may have been yelled). This is when I found out that I had told him I wasn't going to the clinic. We then ran around like crazy, got ready, and made it to the clinic by 8:33. Luckily they don't close up shop right at 8:30. I literally walked in, signed the clipboard and as I was putting the pen down they brought me in for blood work, while having my blood taken I was told to go straight back for the ultra sound. I then met with the nurse and was out of there I'd say within 10 to 15 minutes. Nurse R told me that my follie was at 1.65 - up from 1.45 yesterday. I didn't ask about my lining (have sent her an email and am awaiting news) we were just waiting to see what my estrogen is today. I was hoping we could last one more day - my estrogen was at almost 400 yesterday and I was hoping it would get to 500 as that is optimal. Well, I got the call and my blood work is back. My body has different plans for me. LH is up over 100, estrogen is down to 338. So, we have sex tonight and I start crinone tomorrow. The clinic closes on Saturday so I don't go back there for the rest of the year. I'm supposed to take a HPT on December 29th and if it's positive go back to the clinic on January 4th for a beta.

There's a small chance that we're still in the game. I'm going to cling to that little glimmer of promise.

Edited to Add: My lining is at a fluffy 1.1 today; on Friday it was .65. It's amazing to me how much things can change in a couple of days.

Oops - sorry about the bad grammar/spelling mistakes; I've corrected it now.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

CD16 Update

Went to the cinic this morning. The follie is still growing - up to 1.45 from 1.1 on Friday. I go back again tomorrow and every day after that until I ovulate well, unless something weird comes back with my blood work.

That's it for now.

UPDATE: My estrogen is up, but so is my LH (50) so even though the egg is not mature and my lining is only at 6.5, it looks like I'm ovulating. We are supposed to have intercourse tonight. I go back to the clinic tomorrow.

Friday, December 11, 2009

CD14 and we have some growth

We almost missed the clinic hours again today. H. just couldn't drag his butt out of bed, I walked through the clinic door at 8:31am. The nice thing about that is that I walked in and only waited 30 seconds before being brought in for my ultra sound, then went straight in for my blood work, met with the nurse and was out of there in about 20 minutes at the most. I think this is making up for all of those times I've gotten there early and the waiting room has been packed.

News today is that I have a 0.5 on my right and a 1.1 on the left. When I met with R she told me that she thought that they would give me the weekend off, and depending on my blood work they may cancel me this cycle. I have usually ovulated by now, so this is definitely a weird cycle for me. I left the clinic hoping that I am not having another anovulatory cycle. I was a little bit down and thought this is just one more thing that is proving that it really is time for donor eggs. My body is just not cooperating with me.

Just called home and got my blood work results - Estrogen is up to 246 from 68 on Monday. They are giving me tomorrow off, but I will be going back in on Sunday. Looks like I may still be in the game after all.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Poem

Hold on to your Dream

There's a voice that calls to some of us
From somewhere deep inside
A voice that will not give us peace,
Until at least we've tried
To catch that bright elusive star
Though foolish it may seem
To those not driven as we are
To hold on to a dream

It's not just thoughts of fame and wealth
That keep us hanging on
When others would have given up
When all but hope is gone
And sometimes even hope grows dim
But casts its faintest beam,
We wonder if it's worth it all
To hold on to a dream

And then that voice inside of us
That others cannot know
Tells us our chance will surely come,
That we must not let go
If we can only persevere
Someday our star will gleam
And we'll know why we had to try
To hold on to that dream

Author unknown

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Confirmed Date

This whole donor egg thing is really going to happen. I don't know why I'm so shocked by this. When I got home from work yesterday there was a couple of emails awaiting me from myivfalternative. One was an email detailing travel information and coordinator information for our trip to Brno, the other was an email from my coordinator. We have a coordinator now named Sue. She seems nice and she's based out of LA which works out nicely for us because that means we can contact her after work here and it's still business hours for her. (We're 3 hours ahead of LA) Not only do we have a coordinator, but we have a confirmed date! We are set for April 15th. This means that we fly into Brno on April 14th, the next day H. goes to the clinic to give his "contribution" and egg retrieval takes place that day. We hopefully go back to the clinic on April 20th for a day 5 transfer. We fly home on April 22nd.

I haven't been given any donor descriptions etc yet. I think they are waiting on our medical records before they give us the info. I am waiting on our clinic to provide me with a copy of our records. I have been told that this can take 2 weeks to be completed. The clinic shuts down for the holidays on the 19th, so I hope I get my paperwork before then.

I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

Anywho, back to the clinic tomorrow for CD12 follow up. Hopefully, these follies of mine have grown and are ready to pop.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Other things

I had some other stuff up here, but I'm not comfortable posting it... wasn't sure about it before I posted and now I just took it down.


On a completely different note, I’m not sure if I mentioned that my Mom is friends with a couple that can give me some insight into the medical system in the CR. The husband J. is from the CR and is currently in Prague, he knows a woman who is a nurse so he inquired on our behalf about the clinic and the care provided. Word back is that the clinic is very good and the care is excellent. She’s even looking into alternatives and going to provide more feedback on specific doctors. I’m so touched that he would go out of his way for us. It turns out that this couple knows first hand about infertility. In the eighties, M (the wife) went to the best fertility doctors in Toronto, she was 40 years old. They told her she was too old to do anything. They wouldn’t work with her at all, I don’t even know if donor eggs was an option back then, but she was told outright that they wouldn’t help her. I don’t know if they looked into adoption or just decided to live child free at that time. They know our pain and want to help us. I am extremely thankful for/to them.

I can almost imagine the conversation M had with her doctor. It’s pretty close to the donor egg speech, but at least there’s still something that can be done for me. This has also pointed out to me just how far medical care has come. Who knows, in 20 or 30 years, there may be something that they can do to help women with high fsh or diminished ovarian reserve. Maybe there will be a test that they can do at a younger age that will help women make informed decisions about their fertility.

CD9 check up today, I almost missed the appointment – showed up at 8:31 and the clinic is supposed to close at 8:30. The nice thing right now is that the clinic isn’t very busy because they’re closing soon for the holidays. I basically walk in get my blood work done and head straight back for an ultrasound. I’m in and out of there in around 20 minutes.

I should hear back later today as to how the follies are doing… it didn’t seem like there were any there – maybe 1 – and also find out about my estrogen.

UPDATE: Apparently I have .5 on my left and a .4 on my right. Estrogen is up to 68. I go back on Thursday for my next follow up. Weird.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Today's follow up.

Went in for my cd7 follow up appointment. Still nothing on my left ovary and still 3 small ones on my right. I am so hopeful that this month we'll actually make it to IUI and not be told "oops you're ovulating early, nothing we can do, go forth and fornicate". They also tested my prolactin today, not sure why and at this point I can't be bothered asking.

I talked to my nurse about the clots etc and it was definitely not a chemical pregnancy. She said that fibroids or cysts in the ute can often throw clots like that. I have had two SHGs (one just a few months ago) and both came back as normal pertaining my ute. I hope it was just my body clearing out the old stuff and hopefully making a nice little nest for our future babe.

Today I gave a friend a link to a site that lists successes for women with high fsh. The women all list how far along they are and also the method they used to get pregnant. I find that this list can give women like me so much hope and faith in what we're doing. However, the longer I go along dealing with this crap I feel like those women are the exceptions not the rule. There are exceptions and I pray that I will be one, but the majority of women like me will not get pregnant naturally and will not get pregnant via IVF because we don't produce enough eggs. I wish there was a magic potion I could take that would guarantee that I could move from being the rule to the exception. I wish I knew how the women that became exceptions got on that magical list. What did they do that I didn't? How are they more deserving than I am? This is one of the main reasons that I have (we have) decided to go with donor eggs. I do believe that if persistence was the only factor that eventually we will become pregnant. But, I don't want to go through the next god know's how many months/years counting days, and having forced, baby-making sessions, and being poked & prodded. There is no guarantee in anything - even adoption, but I want to give myself and my husband the best chances of forming a family while we're still young enough to appreciate it.

That said, I'm still hoping for a miracle, since we have essentially got the date of April 15th, it means I don't have to start taking BCP until February. We have two cycles left. Please let there be a miracle for us.

My estrogen actually dropped to 40 from 65 so I don't have to go back to the clinic until Monday. I found out why they are testing my prolactin. Actually, it's a re-test. Apparently they test for prolactin every 6 months. My last one came back slightly eleveated so that's not good and they are sending it to a provincial lab to be re-tested. I've researched elevated prolactin, and in terms of fertility it's not a good thing as it interferes with implantation. It can be linked to hypothyroidism, pcos, or a tumour on the pituitary gland. It's treatable with meds. How fucking ironic, we decide to move to donor eggs and now I may have a problem with implantation. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but seriously, why does this have to happen. Isn't running out of eggs at age 38 enough of a kick in the head?

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Virtual Rally Today

Today is the day for the virutal email rally to the Ontario government to remind them that it's time to cover IVF as part of OHIP.

Here's the link in case you want to get in on it. The rally is at Noon, but even if you can't hit that time, it's better late than never.


So, as a part of my CD3 appointment, I talked to the nurse and let her know that we're going forward with donor eggs. I asked her for some medical information and also asked if they would do my cd 12/14 ultrasound prior to flying to CR for egg transfer. She said she'd talk to the dr. Well, when she called she told me that Dr. H2.0 would not work with me - e.g. he won't give me a fucking u/s that I'd pay for, and also if I want the medical information I can pay for a copy of my file (I think that's around $200). Asshole. Oh, and he wants to have a follow up appointment with me in January. What's he going to say... we tried naturally with me and it's not going to happen that way so we should move to donor eggs?! What could this man possibly tell me that I don't already know. I'm so disappointed in my experience with him. I was told that he liked a puzzle and would be aggressive in treatment. In fact, he likes the 'easy' solutions, is not aggressive and charges the most money in the city for his middle of the road approach.

As a bonus, I am going through a bit of a mind fuck because I think I had a chemical pg. TMI coming... I had two or three huge clots on Monday afternoon. Clots so big that I actually had to force them out of my cervix. Clots so big I could feel them slide down my canal. It was gross and a little scary, but not painful at all. I didn't detail my symptoms at all over the two week wait. I had extremely sore nipples, nausea, cramping etc. I even emailed myivfalternative to find out if we'd lose our deposit if I was pregnant. Maybe it was all in my head, but man if that's the case where they heck did those clots come from. How does that even happen?

On the donor egg front, we have faxed our contract to the company. I called and spoke with Mag yesterday to make sure she'd received them. She told me that she had received the docs and then started asking me about when we want to cycle. It's weird it sounds like they have pools of donors based on blood type. So, if we went with a B+ donor we could cycle as soon as March 18th. H & I are O+ and A+ respectively, so we could never have a child that is B+. Not that it matters really. But, we decided that if we're going to go with donor eggs then we should choose a donor that is as close to us (me) as possible. So, we decided to wait until the O+/A+ donor pool is available - April 15th. We have a date that we're working towards!