Friday, July 31, 2009


I have started a weight loss blog - Time2LoseW8

I have realized that during our battle with infertility I have put on a whopping 40lbs and I wasn't a light weight to begin with. I have completely ignored my health.
A couple days ago I asked myself the following questions:

If you are so serious about getting pregnant, why haven't you done everything possible to ready your body for it? Why have you let yourself go?

The easy answer is hormone treatments, depression and emotional eating. The embarassing answer is laziness.

So, I've given myself a huge kick in the ass and made a plan. I'll be posting periodically over there. Tuesdays are weigh-in days. Feel free to drop by and cheer me on or give me a swift kick in the pants if I'm floundering.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I Have Been Honoured

Fran at Everyone Else But Me nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award. I googled to find out just what the award means, I couldn't find one definition, but the gist is that it's given to bloggers who speak from their hearts. Thank-you very much Fran!

The rules are pretty simple:

1. Post the picture on your blog.
2. List 10 honest things about yourself.
3. Pass the award on to 7 other bloggers. Link to them on your site and then let them know.

So here goes nothing...

1. I was exceptionally shy as a child, and some of that still lingers today.
2. I was molested both by a stranger at 7 years old and an uncle in my teen years.
3. I have a very dark sense of humour.
4. I'm allergic to cats, horses and dust.
5. I don't really like my job.
6. My deep dark fear is that I'll never be a mother.
7. I know all of the words both narrative and lyrical to the movie Blue Ha.waii.
8. I can't sing to save my life.
9. I want so much to be able to sing.
10. I miss my Grandfather every day and can still feel his whiskers on my cheek from the time we said our final goodbye.

Phew. That was tougher than I thought it was going to be.

So, now I'll pass this award onto the following bloggers (in no particular order):

1. Mrs Hoping at Living in Hope
2. Phoebe at Tales of the Phoenix
3. Cathy at Just Another Cycle
4. Stacey at IAmStacey's Blog
5. Echloe at Non-Elusive BFP
6. The Worms at Inconceivable?!
7. Another Dreamer at An Unwanted Path

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My Heart Aches for a Baby, but I Will NOT be Defined by That

Lately, I've been finding myself wanting to go back to simply TTC. To forget that there are significant female factors impeding our route and to just go at it. Let nature take it's course so to speak. Then I go back to the belief that I must go to the fertility clinic because I am 'damaged' and that we'll probably have to go to donor eggs or even adoption. It's kind of like I can't give up my little badge of damage, that in order to go to the FC and to TTC I have to have these negative views, and all of the stress that goes with it.

It wasn't until just at this moment, as I write a post that I was driven to write even as I still had no words, that I have realized that I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY. So, we're having problems getting pregnant, so I have high FSH, so we need intervention... SO WHAT! I can go to the FC and still love myself. I can go to the FC or not go to the FC and we still have a chance of getting pregnant.

I am not someone to be pitied nor should I pity myself. This is the road that I have to walk down so I might as well do it right. As me. The fun-loving, slightly scatterbrained, pudgy, loveable woman that I am.


I am working on an award that I was lucky enough to receive. I will have a post about it tomorrow.

Also, Madhatter, you asked a while ago if I had any side effects from taking DHEA. There were none that I noticed. I will say though, that I was at one of the best research facilities for fertility in Canada and they are currently looking into co-enzyme q10. For women over 35 with high fsh, apparently it works. (well it worked in rats). It's a high dosage between 600 and 800mg per day. You may want to talk to your RE about this or consult with Dr. Google.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I'm Back

What a wonderful week! The cottage was gorgeous and we had a really relaxing time. We got back last Friday and our dogs are still exhausted. We watched one of those Cheaper by the Dozen movies and it hit home just how crazy IF has made me - I actually thought to myself "how is it fair that they can have 12 kids and I can't have any". ahem - note to self - it's fiction! Bonnie Hunt didn't actually give birth to those 12 kids.

Got my period on Monday - that made a 23 day cycle. Fuck. That was a short one. got to get back to the acupuncture and get back in the habit of taking my vitamins. Because we were at the cottage when I got my period, I wasn't able to go for my day 3 blood work. So, we're on another month break (23 day) until we can actually cycle again. Oh well. C'est la vie.

Don't really have a lot left to say. I am trying to stay positive and relaxed because it just makes me feel better. I am not going to focus too much on what I can't have right now and instead focus on what I do have. Which is a loving husband, phenomenal friends and family and two cuddlicious dogs.

One of my BFFs gave birth last Sunday. Alexander John weighed in at 8lbs 5oz. His mama had to have a c-section. Haven't had a chance to meet him yet, but I can't wait!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Ciao for Now

We leave for the cottage tomorrow returning on the 24th. Just wanted to say so long for now and wish everyone a phenomenal week! My Aunt has agreed to look after our house while we're gone. It's such a load off knowing that while we're away our belongings should be safe. I'm such a worry wart when it comes to these things.

Anywho, ciao.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Oh What a Night!

The hills are alive la la la la la la! My BFF and I went and saw the play The.Sound.of.Music last night. It was incredible. From the sets and scenery, to the costumes, to the actors and their glorious voices - sigh - it was spectacular. Toronto is truly a fabulous city for plays and dinners out.

First we went to a restaurant called Big.Daddy’s.Crabshack as it is participating in this year’s Summerlicious

Summerlicious is a city-wide event that offers fixed price dining at some of the better (more expensive) restaurants in the city. It allows us normal folk to try out restaurants that would otherwise be out of our league. There are some mid-range restaurants that take part – like Big Daddy’s – but the food is amazing and who doesn’t like a deal?

We had Cajun Grilled Calamari, Grilled Atlantic Salmon with Jambalaya Rice and grilled veggies and dessert as our fixed menu. In addition we shared the Crab Cakes & Crawfish. YUM!

Then it was off to the show. We got our tickets at a special price – they were $50 a seat for anywhere in the house. We ended up in the Orchestra section, 10 rows from the stage. AWESOME!

Oh and we capped the night off with a glass of Dan.Akroyd’s (a good ole Toronto boy) wine at the Elephant.&.Castle pub down the road from the theatre. Just right.

I could rave and rave and rave about our evening. I love living in the city and being able to make last minute plans like these.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Quick Update

Well, what can I say… Life when I’m not cycling is much less emotional and eventful. We’re still thinking about the future and what may lay ahead of us, but we haven’t pursued anything as of yet. I’m not ready to say out loud to my cousin that we want her eggs, particularly because there’s a small stubborn piece of me that’s not ready to give up on my own.

We are getting ready for a week’s vacation (we leave a week tomorrow) and I can not wait! The cottage is such a welcome change from this day to day grind. I can’t wait for leisurely mornings drinking coffee looking out over the lake. Bliss.

It’s H’s birthday this weekend, he’ll be 41. I still don’t know what I’m going to buy him. He wants a few different things so I’ve got lots of options. Now I just need to get my lazy butt in gear. We’re having my Aunt & Uncle and FIL for dinner on Saturday night. It’s not specifically to celebrate his birthday, but we’ll have cake.

I guess that’s it for my update. Hope you’re doing well!

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Happy 4th of July

to my American friends!

Friday, July 03, 2009

Hope vs. Worry

I want to know what the future holds. Will I have a baby? Will we adopt? Will we be forced to live child-free. I was watching a video from our family party on Saturday and I had such a yearning to be able to give that sense of love & belonging to my own children.

As each day passes I'm getting more and more okay with the idea of donor eggs. Now, I'm feeling shy about approaching my cousin about it. The offer didn't actually come from her, it came from her mother. I hope it still stands.

Not sure if you're aware, but in Canada it's illegal to offer compensation for donor eggs/sperm. If we used my cousin's eggs, we wouldn't have to pay about $10K in additional fees (administration fee, fee for donor etc). My cousin is 37 and I'm worried how she'll respond to meds, if she'll respond to meds.

I'm also worried about how our family would react to the child. Would it really be seen as ours? Or would it be seen as partly my cousin's?

There are so many things to worry about, but the thought of the option being there for us gives me hope. I guess I have to figure out if the hope outweighs the worry.

Madhatter - Hi! You asked if I had heard about DHEA. I have tried it, but can't say that it really did anything for me. I would definitely say that acupuncture has helped.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009