Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A Little Sad

I am taking a break from playing catch up on my course work - I am doing my final course of a degree program and have left everything to the last minute to be completed. I hate that I do this to myself!

But, that's not why I am writing.

I have a friend who also went through IF and was lucky enough to finally be successful from her 2nd IVF with twins. She now is the mom of boy/girl twins and they are adorable. Every now and then she will post pics on facebook of them hugging each other or biting each other or just hanging out together (they are around 6 months old now) and I get incredibly envious and sad. We should have had triplets. There should be 3 babies here now. My world would be completely upside down and there would be no way I could be finishing this course, but I feel the loss of my twins deeply. It just creeps up and hits me every once in a while. Every so often when H and I are playing with Little G we look at each other and say "can you imagine if there were 2 more of her?" then we chuckle because life would be utter chaos. But deep down I am always wistful.

And, then there is the possibility that we won't have any more kids. That too just makes me sad. It goes without saying that I am incredibly happy that I have Little G. It just doesn't feel like our family is done.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Almost 11 Months Old

This post consists of two parts... the first talks about infertility and chemical pregnancy and wishing, the second gives an update on Little G.

Last month I believe I was pg. We weren't trying, although our timing did coincide with ovulation so I had hoped that we might get lucky. We are still throwing around the idea of going back to the Czech Republic and trying a FET for a second child. If it happened naturally that would be a miracle. Anyway, I felt distinctly pg last month, I had pregnancy dreams etc. all the things that happened in the past when I have been pg. I did not test because I just don't do that. Too many negative tests and heartbreak under my belt. I have to rely on what I was feeling, but I know I was, for a blink of an eye. Then AF came and I wasn't. At the same time, as I was dealing with that, a friend announced her surprise pregnancy. She is a veteran of IF and eventually adopted. This was out of the blue. I am so incredibly happy for her and so incredibly sad for myself. How is it that after all of this time and having a baby in my arms I can still feel these feelings? It's been about a week since this all happened so I am doing considerably better, I just keep realizing that once you're an infertile, you're always an infertile.

Anyway, here's a little update on Little G:

Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. Little G is almost 11 months old; where has the time gone? She is now cruising quite a bit and standing on her own here and there. She is babbling a lot with her mamamamas and dadadadas and some unintelligible mutterings as well. She is now giving unprompted hugs and kisses which are amazing and squishy and wet. They make my heart swell. She loves her books and will sit on the floor flipping the pages of her cardboard books as if she is truly reading them. It's pretty cute. I am preparing myself for having to go back to work in the new year. Blah! I am sooooo not looking forward to that. We have daycare organized already; she will be starting in January part time and will be going full time by the end of the month.

I can't believe she will be a year old next month. We are organizing her birthday party now and are debating what gift to get her. Since her birthday is so close to Christmas I am also trying to figure out a gift for that. I also have to get her a Christmas dress so that she can wear it to get her picture taken with Santa. The other day I started singing Christmas carols to her and was overcome with emotion because she's here. There will actually be a child in our home for Christmas. (Last year doesn't count because we were in the hospital and it really didn't feel like Christmas at all!).

Little G was a duck for Halloween...