Thursday, April 23, 2009

Deep thoughts

I was on one of the message boards that I frequent today and read a post about a woman who had been married for a while and her husband told her he doesn’t want kids ever. They’d had the talk earlier in their relationship and he said he wasn’t sure or he’d say “eventually”, but now he doesn’t want them at all and she does. She was wondering where she goes from here. I don’t know what she should do; for me, it would be a deal breaker.

After reading her post it got me thinking about something my husband has said to me a few times recently. He said that when he thought about finding someone to marry he wanted his wife to want kids, lots of kids. That’s why he was so happy that we both really wanted kids and he was happy and excited when we started trying.

It’s a total mindfuck that we both want something so much and both waited for that right person to come along only to have such difficulty getting pregnant. I wonder, if he knew then what he knows now if he would have got involved with me. It’s not him that’s broken, it’s me. It’s my body that decided to go into hyper drive and have my ovaries age at warp speed. Sigh.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Getting Older Sucks

I had my yearly physical today, I love my doctor, she's awesome! I had 4 vials of blood taken, a pap and a breast exam. Oh and I have borderline high blood pressure - it's still in the normal range, but it's on the cusp of being serious. I also have a referral for a colonoscopy, a request for a cardiogram, and a requisition for blood and urine to be taken. Oh and I got a referral to the new clinic I'm going to in May. This means no $250 fee for the appointment.

But seriously, back to the title of this post, getting old sucks. A colonoscopy?! A cardiogram?! How old am I? I am doing the colonoscopy because I have colon cancer in my family (my grandfather died of it) and I also have several family members with diverticulitis. I'm worried that I could have it. I don't really need the procedure for another couple of years, but I'd rather get tested sooner than later. And, because I'm currently not pregnant (well, not that I know of) it's best to do it now.
The cardiogram is to check my heart because of the blood pressure situation. And, the urine test is to make sure I'm not 'throwing protein' whatever that means. The other blood test on top of the fasting blood tests I did this morning, is to check my vitamin D levels. Apparently, most Canadians are vitamin D deficient and vitamin D is an important one. I started taking it about a month ago. Look how smart I am!

I am starting the DA.SH diet and a workout regime to hurry along my weightloss. I do not want to be put on blood pressure meds.

I am happy that I went in for my physical. I never do it on a regular basis and I really want to start taking better care of myself.

Oh and I thought I was 5'10.5" - turns out I'm 5'11". Look at me, still growing.

Monday, April 20, 2009

A Beautiful Offer

On Friday night, when I got home from work I had received a message on from my cousin. She was emailing to say that she had heard about the IVF not working and offering her support. She said that she loved me and wanted to do whatever she could to help me and wanted to offer to donate her eggs so that H. and I could have a child. I was literally struck speechless and immediately started crying. What a truly loving and selfless gift. I am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life.

H. and I don’t know what we want to do if we ever get to the point of not using my eggs. We’ve talked and we don’t really want to use DE or adopt. Who knows what we’d do if we reach that fork in the road.

I basically told her that we’re not going that route, but that I was so incredibly touched, and humbled, that she would make the offer.

The more I think about it the weirder it seems to me. Essentially, my child would really be half my cousin’s and half my husband’s. The child would be raised in the family knowing that I would be its mother, but that its bio-mom was my cousin.

I don’t know if I am open minded enough for that.

This just reminds me that there is a benefit to this struggle that H and I are slugging out - we are continually reminded of how much we’re loved and cared for. I have been able to see compassion and caring from virtual strangers; to see the community that has been built around infertility and the strength that women have. I have had my faith in people continually restored. In this form, infertility has been gift.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


I was so worried about yesterday’s post, I was even contemplating removing it, but I got a few very supportive comments and have decided to leave it as is. Thank-you for your support and non-judgment; I have been my own worst critic for years and by putting that out in the world I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I was going to get.

Hopefully, by being open about things I’ll be able to finally move past it. I’ll never forget, but I think it’s time to forgive myself.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Picking up the Pieces

On a completely different topic, I got 83% in my latest class as I continue towards my B of Ed in Adult Ed. I have one more Adult Ed course that starts on April 25th and one elective to take and then I will finally have my degree. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This last course I took was a struggle. I hated every moment of it. Dealing with a failed IVF, a computer dying, our cable/internet line being severed, as well as my FIL losing his companion suddenly, all made it even more difficult to get through. But, I persevered and got all of my assignments and reading completed. The reading was extremely heavy and I absolutely detested one of the books – so you can imagine how easy it was to get through!

I think I’m ready to share my back story with you. I can’t carry the shame with me anymore and it may give you some insight as to what has made me who I am. Big deep breath… here goes nothing.

I have never had a lot of self-confidence… always thought I was fat, always was extremely shy. Never had a boyfriend in high school. My dad told me I intimidated boys. I was 5’10, 145lbs, blue eyes, brown hair, athletic and smart. I look back and wish I could have seen the girl that I now see. In university I started to come out of my shell, met people, had my first real boyfriend (albeit short lived). I was a virgin. In between first and second year, during the summer I went out with a friend and got really, really drunk. Met her boyfriend’s friend and thought he was cute. One thing led to another and I thought to myself how sick I was of saying no, I just wanted to get it over with. So, we had sex… he pulled out before finishing the deal.

It was awful. I felt awful and just wanted to forget about the whole ordeal. Unfortunately, there were other plans for me. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I ended that pregnancy on my parents’ anniversary the first week of second year. I went by myself, I told very few people. It was the worst time of my life. Worse than being molested in grade two, worse than having my uncle hit on me when I was 16. It changed me forever. I would be in class and relive the experience, hearing the noises I heard during the procedure. It haunted me. I don’t know how I did it, but I passed all of my classes in 2nd year. Then I moved out west to work at a resort. I ran away, trying to escape. I got pretty heavily into recreational drugs and spent a year partying my life away.

After about a year, I made my way home and have slowly put the pieces of my life back together. I am so ashamed of myself for letting myself get into that mess. I feel so incredibly sorry for that girl, crying on her parents’ bedroom floor after getting the call that indeed the test was positive. I hate that I was forced to make the decision that I did. It was 100% the right decision for me at the time. I am so thankful that the choice was mine and legal and that it was free. However, now that I am an infertile woman it is incredibly hard for me not to think that I am being punished for that earlier decision.

By finishing my degree, I am taking steps to get back in full control of my life, to pick up the final pieces that fell away 18 years ago.

**I had never intended to write about this experience and I am not opening the topic up for debate. Which is why I never used the actual term, I do not want anyone googling it and finding my blog.**

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Shared Emotions

I was reading a friend's blog about running into an IF sister at a neighbourhood get together. It made me reflect on a party at my Mom's house earlier in the week. It was one of those tupperware-ish parties - all women. All women who know about the recent failed IVF and are women who have watched me grow up and love me. So, I put a rule in place that I would go, but I didn't want to talk about it.

The first person I saw was an Aunt, she gave me a big hug and had tears in her eyes, but god bless her, didn't say a word. It got easier after that.

At the end of the night, most of the women had gone and I was saying goodnight to a different Aunt (my Mom has 5 sisters)and somehow I brought up the IVF. I talked to my Aunt about the woman from my previous post and how I just know there's no plan or "meant to be" when it comes to being a Mom... 'cause if there was I would be the Mom not that crazy cocaine lady. Then she brought up her own tragedy, long ago forgotten by me. She lost her baby boy at 7 months pregnant. She had done everything right and taken care of herself (she's a nurse practitioner). She was in the maternity ward grieving the loss of her son while in the next bed was the "town bike" who had just given birth and was hopping out of bed every hour to go have a smoke.

My aunt and I shared a moment of our misery, each separate, but essentially the same. She got it and that's what I needed in that moment. No hugs, no tears, just a shared look that said we both understood.

Thursday, April 09, 2009


I got my period this morning; I think getting the negative beta, stopping progesterone and waiting for my period is just cruel. You should get your period as soon as the beta is negative (in a perfect world there would be no negative betas.)

I am hurting emotionally, having periodic crying jags. I can’t even explain why I’m crying, a thought comes into my head or I see something on tv and off I go. I am not this weak person and I do not know how to handle this. H. tells me I don’t talk about anything, that I just want to handle things on my own and that it makes it really difficult on him. I’m trying, but then it just sounds like whining.

Because logically, I realize that not being about to have children is not the end of the world. I’m still breathing and healthy and have family/friends/husband/dogs that love me. It just is so damn unfair. There was a woman that was arrested recently for giving her 2 year old cocaine. Apparently, she was giving the child cocaine from the time the baby was an infant so that the baby was more manageable. The child now has brain damage… oh and it also has 3 untreated broken ribs and an untreated broken arm. What the fuck! That fucking excuse for a human being can have a baby and I can’t. We can’t! The injustice is unbearable at times. Sigh. And yet, I keep going, keep holding my head up and hoping.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Moving On

Things are better today. I woke up this morning and the first thought through my head was “I’m not pregnant”. Then I rolled over and felt like staying in bed all day. Instead I forced myself up and into the shower and decided to face the world head on. I’m sad of course, but I have to keep moving. H. and I are in a slightly better place today than we were yesterday. We come at things so differently that it can be difficult at times. He needs to talk things out immediately, while I just need to be held and given some time to mull things over.

He did eventually give me the hug that I needed and that was the opening to some dialogue about where we go from here. We talked a little about donor eggs and adoption. Neither one feels right to us. Donor eggs, for us, seem a little weird and the procedure has a lot of the same pitfalls of adoption. We know that the child will eventually want to know where they came from, who their biological parent(s) are, what they look like, etc. We don’t feel that we could deal with that. It’s a personal preference that I am not open to debating.

I told H that I’m pretty sure that I want to change clinics. The biggest reason is that I did not feel that the protocol that I was on was appropriate or aggressive enough for my situation. I questioned the approach used by the REs at my current clinic and they weren’t willing to change their approach. Another reason I do not want to go back to that clinic is because of Dr. C’s lecture on God’s plan after my crappy egg retrieval. Also, they don’t assign a particular dr. to anyone’s case so every time you go in you could potentially end up with a different doctor. The ultrasounds were another fun surprise – even one where it was a new Dr and he didn’t introduce himself. I didn’t feel that the protocol used was designed specifically for me; it was more like I was a square peg being forced into a round hole. All of these things have built up to the point where I want a new dedicated Dr. and a change of scenery.

I have actually emailed a new clinic to see when they can fit me in. I hope I hear from them soon as I’ve heard nothing but great things about Dr. H.

Monday, April 06, 2009

It didn't work

BFN. Don't know where we go from here. Instead of making us stronger as a couple it has kind of turned us on each other. Don't know how to move on, we can't afford another IVF. I don't really want to go to that clinic any more.

I may not be around for a while. Got to lick my wounds.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

4 more days

Thanks for your thoughts! I am going to work from home on Monday. That way I don’t have to take a sick/vacation day, but I still get some privacy when I get the call.

I’m feeling a little worried because I don’t have any symptoms. I’m not bloated, my boobs don’t hurt etc. In the afternoons, I have been getting tired, sore eyes and headaches. I just realized it’s probably because I quit coffee cold turkey so I don’t get the caffeine in my system in the morning. I am trying not to over-analyze, but seriously my first waking thought is whether or not I’m pregnant. H. has been pretty good about it, but I think he’s a little sick of hearing my complaints.

4 more days to go.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping

This week is moving at a snail’s pace. It doesn’t help that I’m not busy at all at work right now. Thank gawd for my course – it’s my last week, so I have that to focus on. I have a few assignments that need to be sent in. Sigh.

I’m not feeling very hopeful today. Well, to be honest, I just fluctuate back and forth between maybe I am, maybe I’m not. If one more person tells me to stay positive I’m going to scream. If I could mentally make myself pregnant – I would be by now.

I even considered (briefly) POAS… but, I just can’t bear to see a negative right now. So, I’ll wait and wait and wait until Monday.

So, here’s where I turn to you for some advice. Should I take Monday off work and receive “the call” at home? Or is it better to be at work where there are distractions?