Sunday, June 19, 2011

Missing my twins

It is really easy to forget that when we finally had success we were pregnant with triplets. It is easy on the surface to put aside the trauma of early onset TTTS and having to make the devastating decision to reduce my pregnancy from triplets to a singleton. We are overjoyed to have a healthy baby girl. My heart belongs to her. But, every now and then I am overcome with the sadness and a feeling of what could have been.

A friend of mine recently gave birth to boy-girl twins. They are beautiful, but seeing them makes my heartache. It simply aches for those two missing little beings. The thought of having triplets scared the hell out of me, and there was a small piece of me that was relieved when things went the way that they did. A small selfish piece of myself that I hate myself for. But, over-riding it was a sense of loss that I forced aside and chose to ignore.

I miss what could have been, even if it would have been crazy and scary, I miss those babies.


Valery said...

It seems like it should have been impossible that 'too much' of a miracle even exists. And then having to make a rational decision about it. I mean, from two embryos to triplets to singleton, all within a couple of weeks...that is a lot happening. I forget sometimes how brave you were and are, but I know that some days it just takes all my strength to get up and be strong another day. Please don't hate yourself, this world is not perfect. Be kind to yourself. (And I always love hearing about the twin/triplets)

S said...

Aw, Sweet G. I'm sorry. I think your feelings are totally understandable; even though triplets would've been chaos, those were your babies, too.

Kate said...

Even though you now have to live with the losses of your twins, I can't help but think that your daughter's existence would likely have been endanged by attempting to carry all three to term. I'm so sorry you had to make that hard choice.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. IF makes us have to make impossible decisions. You did the right thing to bring your little girl safely into your lives. Even the right decisions are so hard.