Friday, December 05, 2008

100th Post

Perhaps there should be balloons and confetti falling from the ceiling in honour of this, my 100th post. But, I’d be lying if I said my heart was in it. I am on CD2 of Cycle #28. Fucking #28. I have on average a 25 day cycle, for all intents and purposes I ovulate every month, H.’s spermies are just shiny except for that little retrograde ejaculation problem. The Sud.afed is supposed to take care of that. I do have that pesky elevated FSH 12 being my highest, 7.2 being the last CD3 result. We have about a 10% chance of getting pregnant without intervention. I think my eggs are fucked. What other reason can there be? We have had PERFECTLY timed intercourse, then I have my perfect temp shift, eggwhites etc. Then I get a red parade into my next cycle. It has to be my eggs.

We have done one unsuccessful IUI with injections. We will do another in January – well hopefully that one will be successful. So, I feel like such a lame ass for even complaining. I know women who have been through so much more than I have; miscarriages and repeated failed IVFs, even losing the baby at almost full term. (God how heart breaking that would be) So, I know that my 28 cycles, with one failed IUI is not much to complain about. I just find it all so unfair. I want to scream my lungs out, rage against the unfairness of it all. I want to sit in a dark room and cry and stare until I can’t feel anymore. Instead I’ll go about my day, smiling, joking, working… moving forward while that small ember of hope builds back up into a flame.

1 comment:

Lost in Space said...

Happy #100!! Crap, my next post is my 100th too!

I can so relate to wondering why this is just not working. I have a couple years worth of beautiful charts with that same temp shift, EW, +OPKs, perfectly timed intercourse and nothing to show for it. Total mystery how this works for anyone at all.

Vent away all you need to. One thing I have learned is that each of us are on our own journey with different issues and situations, but pain is pain. We can't hold it all in because someone else might be worse off. It in no way helps release what is inside our own hearts. Let it all go. We're here to listen.