Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Could it be?

This is a log I am keeping for myself, so that I can get all of this wondering out of my head and not jinx myself by sharing it with the world.

I think I’m pregnant. Just typing that scares the hell out of me… ‘cause I don’t want to be wrong.

I’m 18DPO I had spotting on 15DPO. I never spot. I’m worried. My temperature is coming down. I think that this is a chemical pregnancy and I’m terrified to POAS. I don’t want to see a negative, and I don’t want to see a light line. I have no one I can talk to about this. H. just doesn’t get it. He thinks we should just wait and see. He’s not excited or disappointed or worried or anything – he’s just so matter of fact about things and doesn’t see what I’m getting all worked up about.

There’s a part of me that I am desperately trying to control… the one whispering “this could be it”; the one that wants to go crazy with happiness to scream and cheer and jump up and down. I can’t let go of my control because if this is not a pregnancy or it is and it goes south…how will I be able to take it.

These are my symptoms – kind of sore boobs, missed period, shooting cramps in my thighs (mainly left thigh), acute sense of smell (but this is kind of true all of the time), cramps in my lower ab – particularly left side so of course I’m thinking if this is it, then it’s an ectopic. And, after writing that I think well, are they symptoms or am I just reading things into this.

Or, is my body just all fucked up again. I want answers but I’m too chicken shit to try to get them.

So where does that leave me/us. Waiting. Waiting to see if af shows up. Waiting to see if it doesn’t. In the meantime, I’ll try to gather my courage to go and get the answers that I need.

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