Wednesday, December 31, 2008

19 DPO

So today is 19DPO – 19 fucking days. And, of course, my temp dropped – below cover line. The end is near. I’m devastated, but trying not to be. Of course, hope is whispering in my ear that I’m not out yet. That, the temp could bounce back tomorrow. I made a mistake last night. I said to H. something about New Years and not wanting to go out because I can’t drink. He asked me why and said, in a really snotty voice, “Because I’m pregnant.” Then, I backtracked and said that I could be pregnant.

I was so hopeful. And, now it’s just so depressing. I keep having this thought in my head, “Start the year as you will continue”. A growing part of me thought I’d be starting the year pregnant. Now, I know I won’t. I don’t want to start the year as I will continue this way – infertile and broken. I actually thought today “Can there really be a God.” How can s/he let this happen to people? Why can’t s/he hear my prayer? What have I done to deserve this?

I do not go to church but I do believe in a higher power. I do believe that there is someone watching out for us. I just don’t understand why I (we, all of us infertile women) am chosen to go through this.

H. wants to go out tonight for New Years because it’s boring to stay home and we always do that… blah blah blah. I don’t want to be around people, I want to howl, scream, punch, yell and sleep. Only in sleep can I really get away from this. Can I just sleep away new years? Sleep away the pain of the last 2 years. It’s officially 2 years of really trying. 2 years of being a member on fertility friend. Because my cycles are so short it’s 28 failed cycles.

There are many good things in my life, but today, I only see what I’m lacking. There’s a part of me that thinks maybe it’s time to take a break. But, I’m 37, 38 in April. I’m getting too old to have children – not for myself but for them. Who wants to be 12 years old and have a 55 year old mom? It needs to happen now/soon. I’m officially just blathering on now. Sorry for the moaning.

Edited to Add: as of 12:25pm we have creamy brown spotting.

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