Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Picking up the Pieces

On a completely different topic, I got 83% in my latest class as I continue towards my B of Ed in Adult Ed. I have one more Adult Ed course that starts on April 25th and one elective to take and then I will finally have my degree. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This last course I took was a struggle. I hated every moment of it. Dealing with a failed IVF, a computer dying, our cable/internet line being severed, as well as my FIL losing his companion suddenly, all made it even more difficult to get through. But, I persevered and got all of my assignments and reading completed. The reading was extremely heavy and I absolutely detested one of the books – so you can imagine how easy it was to get through!

I think I’m ready to share my back story with you. I can’t carry the shame with me anymore and it may give you some insight as to what has made me who I am. Big deep breath… here goes nothing.

I have never had a lot of self-confidence… always thought I was fat, always was extremely shy. Never had a boyfriend in high school. My dad told me I intimidated boys. I was 5’10, 145lbs, blue eyes, brown hair, athletic and smart. I look back and wish I could have seen the girl that I now see. In university I started to come out of my shell, met people, had my first real boyfriend (albeit short lived). I was a virgin. In between first and second year, during the summer I went out with a friend and got really, really drunk. Met her boyfriend’s friend and thought he was cute. One thing led to another and I thought to myself how sick I was of saying no, I just wanted to get it over with. So, we had sex… he pulled out before finishing the deal.

It was awful. I felt awful and just wanted to forget about the whole ordeal. Unfortunately, there were other plans for me. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I ended that pregnancy on my parents’ anniversary the first week of second year. I went by myself, I told very few people. It was the worst time of my life. Worse than being molested in grade two, worse than having my uncle hit on me when I was 16. It changed me forever. I would be in class and relive the experience, hearing the noises I heard during the procedure. It haunted me. I don’t know how I did it, but I passed all of my classes in 2nd year. Then I moved out west to work at a resort. I ran away, trying to escape. I got pretty heavily into recreational drugs and spent a year partying my life away.

After about a year, I made my way home and have slowly put the pieces of my life back together. I am so ashamed of myself for letting myself get into that mess. I feel so incredibly sorry for that girl, crying on her parents’ bedroom floor after getting the call that indeed the test was positive. I hate that I was forced to make the decision that I did. It was 100% the right decision for me at the time. I am so thankful that the choice was mine and legal and that it was free. However, now that I am an infertile woman it is incredibly hard for me not to think that I am being punished for that earlier decision.

By finishing my degree, I am taking steps to get back in full control of my life, to pick up the final pieces that fell away 18 years ago.

**I had never intended to write about this experience and I am not opening the topic up for debate. Which is why I never used the actual term, I do not want anyone googling it and finding my blog.**


La La said...

Oh sweetie...

First of all, you are NOT being punished. You made a very difficult decision and you did what you had to do.

Your infertility now does not have anything to do what what happened in your past. Infertility just HAPPENS. It comes and goes with no rhyme or reason 90% of the time.

S said...

Awww babe, big hugs to you.

You're not being punished hun, that was a very difficult decision that you had to make.
I agree 100% with what La La says. Infertility is something that just happens.

You've been very brave to blog about that.
You're a strong amazing woman, never forget that.


Lost in Space said...

We make the best decisions we have with the information we have at that time. Nobody can ever ask us for anything more. That was a horribly difficult decision for you to have to make and I am so sorry you went through that.

It's hard to not think that we aren't being punished because we so desperately want to find the answer and know "why?". I truly believe IF just "is".

Many hugs, hun. I'm glad you shared it with us and hope it helps you to heal a little more.

Anonymous said...

Your story is similar to mine. I'm very sorry for what you've went through. ((((Hugs))))

Cathy said...

I went through a lot of what you went through - pregnant at 21 and having to make a tough choice. It took me years to get through that and some other things and I spent a good majority of my 20's partying it up to try to forget.

We had to learn the hard way but remember that we are not being punished for what we did - part of what is happening to us is because it took us so long to find comfort in our lives - that does not make us unworthy.

I have to remind myself of this often so I understand where you are coming from but try not to beat up on yourself too much. You deserve this just as much as any of us do.

Sending hugs your way!

Spacey said...

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through, but please remember that you are NOT being punished for the past. Your infertility has nothing to do with what happened in the past.
At the time, you made the right decision for you and it must have been a really difficult decision to make.
You are a wonderful person! **hugs**

wereyoulookingforme said...

You are not being punished - it is so easy for our minds to go looking for reasons for IF. I think the only reason is crap luck! I have a similar story to yours and have had the same fears but I've decided that the primary reason I am going through this right now is age. There are things I should have done differently (stopped smoking, treated thyroid, etc.) that may have improved my chances. But the time wasn't right for me to bring a child into this world any earlier than when we started trying. I am rooting for you!!!