Friday, October 09, 2009


Is using donor eggs or donor sperm fair to the child? This is just one of the many questions that plague me when I think about going the donor egg route. A child produced from DE or DS is sort of caught in a no man’s land. Not a full biological child of the parents, and yet not an adopted child. So where do they fit? And, how do they feel as they grow up knowing their roots? It’s pretty obvious to track the emotional and logical thoughts of an adopted child. S/he would want to know where they came from, who were his/her parents and why was s/he given away. A DE/DS child would have similar issues but not have the feeling of being given away. The DE/DS child can look at one of her parents (assuming that the parents are a heterosexual couple) and see oh I have his eyes and my hands are just like his, but would still have the questions of “what about the rest of me”. Is it fair to put a child through this to ease the ache in my soul?

When you adopt, you are in a sense rescuing a child from a bad situation. By bad I mean it can be as ‘simple’ as the bio parents realizing they are too young to provide the environment the child deserves. There is some sense that, yes, there will be issues and explanations that need to be made, but that is part and parcel of the adoption process. Now, when it’s DE or DS, you are creating the child and knowingly, purposefully, creating these issues. Does the love that you provide, the joy and comfort and tears and heart ache and worry and caring that the parents express make up for the questions of “why don’t I look like you” “who is my mother”? Or, I am just over-thinking this?

I don’t know anyone that has gone through this process. I think it would be really helpful to hear stories of women/men that have gone the route of DE. What was their thought process? I’d also love to hear from the children although I’m not sure how long DE has been around – there may not be anyone that is an adult DE offspring.

I’m not looking to open up a debate on the merits or morality of DE, but am interested in hearing your opinion.


Mad Hatter said...

Excellent questions. I have 2 blogs to recommend:
Peeveme at Bellyaching and Benedictions and Best When Used Before - you can find them under Queens of Hearts on my blog. They are two very intelligent and sensitive women who have gone the DE route.

Sweet Georgia said...

Thanks! I will check them out.

Lost in Space said...

I think this is such a personal question that is as unique as each of our situations.

My answer will only work for me and I am the only one that has to be okay with it. I do think it is something to definitely consider before going down this path though.

I can email you a good list of book references and articles.

La La said...

Phoebe said...

I haven't really thought about this much. I think kids are pretty resilient. Also, it really depends on the child. The only way to know is to look into resources that interview parents and children of DE. I'm not really that worried about it, honestly. This in part has to do with the relationship I have now with my baby in it's spirit form.

CHAR said...

Those are great questions . It must be hard decisions to make with different implications.

I just want you to know I am thinking about you sweets & always sending my best your way.