Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Mourning Has Broken

I think I made it sound like I have completely moved through the grieving stage and have come out the other side refreshed. I am excited about moving forward and about the huge possibility of finally getting pregnant through donor eggs. However, I am still riddled with doubts (fears?) about what it means to have a child that will not be genetically connected to me. We are still trying naturally because we do have something like a 5% chance of getting pregnant on our own. I still hold out hope for a biological child. I have to force away my fears and hopes, I have to focus on what is. The reality is that we have never used birth control in 9 years of being together, we have had 2 assumed chemical pregnancies in the 3 years that we've been actively trying, we have 3 failed ART cycles under our belts; we are infertile. Our biggest chance of getting me pregnant is by persuing donor eggs. So, I've decided to embrace it. Wherever we go, whichever donor we choose, when we get pregnant I will have the full experience of carrying a child. Getting to know its movements, caring for it and falling in love with it even before it's in our world. (How horrible to use the term 'it'!)

I don't think I will ever stop wanting a biological child. It may be a wish that goes forever unfulfilled. It doesn't mean that I won't love my future children with all of my heart, or be thankful for them in every way. I think the two will have to live side by side in my soul.

No comments: