Thursday, February 25, 2010

Cautiously Feeling Better

I haven't had a full blown panic attack since my last post (knock wood). The act of going to the doctor on Tuesday and actually getting a diagnosis - knowing that the pain is real, yet not a heart attack - has really helped. Now when I feel the pain I'm able to say to myself "you've felt this before, you know you're ok etc" and no anxiety attack. I made my stress test appointment - it's for March 8th and I have also made an appointment with a psychologist. I found her on the and she specializes in infertility and donor conception. I am going to see her on March 3rd.

It's weird now that I'm feeling better I don't really want to go, but I know that I need to. There is something deeper triggering all of this anxiety. I am at my stress breaking point. It takes nothing to have me upset and frustrated. I guess, I'm just unsure of how the whole thing goes. Do I just start talking about my history? Where do I even begin? I hope that she'll be able to pull stuff out of me because I think I've been pretty good about burying everything.

The other thing that I'm doing is cutting down on my caffeine. Not that I drank a lot of coffee to begin with (1 large cup per day) but now I'm doing half decaf half regular. Apparently, avoiding caffeine will also help with my anxiety and panic attacks.

I'm a strong person. I have been through a hell of a lot emotionally and have come out of most of it smiling. I just never thought I'd be someone to lose my shit like this. It makes me feel weak and even more of a failure. Look at the big loser - she can't control her weight, she can't get pregnant, she's stagnating in her job and now she's losing her mind. I don't always feel this way about myself, but right now 'big fat failure' seems to describe me best. And, if I'm honest it's a fear of failure in April that is really affecting me.


CHAR said...

Hi Love,

I am so glad you have a diagnosis- That alone I think helps anxiety levels decrease.The mind is a powerfull thing. I too suffer from anxiety & it is very helpful to do what you are doing in saying-I have felt this before & this too will pass. xx

I like what you said below..

I'm a strong person. I have been through a hell of a lot emotionally and have come out of most of it smiling.

Mad Hatter said...

Oh, sweetie...I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I totally get it and at the same time I also just want to give you a big hug and tell you how none of this is your fault - the fertility issues, this new health issue, the anxiety - it's all happening TO you, not BECAUSE OF you. And you're responding to it in the best way you know how.

You haven't failed at anything, my dear. You are an intelligent, caring, generous woman who is in a loving marriage with a great guy. Maybe you are not thrilled with your job at the moment, but if you're anything like me, you've likely been sticking out your current situation until you can take your maternity leave.

Please do try to be more gentle with yourself. You are not losing your mind - you are under extreme stress right now. The unknown of your upcoming cycle is yes, obviously weighing on you and in my humble opinion that is absolutely normal. I think it's great that you can go see someone beforehand and talk it through (I'm sure they will guide you and help you talk about the things that will help you the most right now). It might be helpful just to sit down with someone completely objective and talk about what you are feeling and what you are most afraid of.

I hope you can find some other ways to nurture yourself right now, too - is there any way you and DH can get away for a weekend to Niagara on the Lake or something to decompress?

Thinking of you and hoping things look better very soon - again, don't hesitate to get in touch if there's anything I can do.


Lost in Space said...

I know I can't say anything to change your internal feelings, but I'm going to blab anyway. (-; YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. Not in the least my friend. You have had a whole lot of difficult crap dumped on you and you are coping. Coping has to take on different forms for different stresses and situations. Your body is just telling you that it needs a new way to cope. It's nobody's fault and it doesn't mean you are a failure in the least.

When you wrote that you have come out most of your emotional hell smiling, it reminded me a little of myself. I could smile my way through ANYTHING no matter how much I was torn up inside. After so long I began to believe I really was alright with it all because I was still smiling... I learned that I was a stuffer of emotions and an avoider of situations that brought on these emotions. Not that this is where you are at, but your words sparked my thoughts.

As for the therapy thing, I am so so glad you found someone who specializes in donor conception. No matter how good you feel when March 3rd rolls around, please, please give it a go. She will likely start it out with asking why you are there and her questions should spark off from there. It should be a safe place for you to spill it all and cry as needed. I rarely walk away from my sessions without having cried there or after. It is emotionally draining, but getting it out and really feeling heard is enough to get you going. Finding ways with the help of a therapist to cope with situations/feelings/anxieties is enough to keep you going. Therapy with a great qualified therapist has been a real life saver for me in the last year.

I'm here, always listening, and cheering you on.

Valery said...

To me my counsellor feels like a safety net. It's nice to hear things like I didn't loose my mind, what part of what proces I'm in, and what I can expect next, and possible ways of dealing with that.
You're a smart person, taking care of your health like that!
Don't expect yourself to stop the waves of the ocean, just get your scuba gear in place....

Anonymous said...

glad you have a name for what you are feeling. if you think it about from the outside looking in you are really very strong - I can't imagine thinking I could handle this 5 years ago. most people don't think they can handle ivf and the shots, but when it comes down to it and it's the only way to a baby you suck it up and do it. because you are strong. I love the vacation get-away idea... takes the focus off for a bit.