Thursday, February 18, 2010

Not Much Going On

I finished my first pack of BCP and then waited for AF to arrive. She started on Sunday and I'm just finishing now. So weird, I haven't been on BCP for so long I couldn't remember how long it would take me to get AF after my last pill. For those keeping track it took about 3 and a half days. I start the 2nd pack tonight which means I'll take the last pill from that pack on March 10th. By that time I should have my protocol and my meds for the cycle in April. I got an email this morning that the meds have been shipped to me, so sometime this week I'll be getting all of the goods. I just feel like I'm in such a holding pattern right now. And, I'm scared of something going wrong and not being able to go. Or, going and she doesn't have any eggs. It's so much money with very little guarantee of it working. I just know we have to take this leap of faith.

I still go through periods of being sad that I'm not going to have a genetic child. It is a bitter pill to swallow. I am so incredibly grateful to have any chance at all of getting to experience being pregnant and having a child that I feel guilty about being bitter. It's all one big vicious cycle of sadness, bitterness, guilty and anxiety. I don't particularly like this part of the ride.

Generally, though things are good. I have started walking in the PATH in the afternoon. It takes me about half an hour to complete my circuit. They say for every 10 minutes of brisk walking you travel 1km, so I'm probably doing about 3km every day. Not bad. Also, I take all of the stairs and avoid the escalators. Oh, I guess I should explain what the PATH is; it's a labyrinth of pathes under the downtown core of Toronto that links a lot of the big business buildings together. There's all kinds of stores and food courts etc down there. It's like the business people are a bunch of rats in a maze. It's nice to be a little active again.

Oh, and for my final comment, I love the winter Olympics. Don't believe the negative press - yes there have been problems and one horrific, regrettable death - but people are still winning medals, competing in the sport they've trained all of their life for, nations are being brought together to support their competitors. One of our news channels did a random survey of about 100 people in Vancouver about their experience at the games. 99 of them gave positive responses with 1 person stating that the street signs were confusing. (I think those were the numbers - it may have been more than 100 but I know it was just 1 negative response). All of the games have had their own problems - does anyone remember the bomber at the games in Atlanta? or the hostages that were taken and killed in the 70's.

All that to say GO CANADA GO!


Fran said...

It takes me the same time to get the period after stopping the pill, well done on your first pack down!
I can understand the anxiety, it's only normal, keep yourself busy (with the Olympics and the Path!) so that you avoid thinking about it too much.Do you know if you are going with a proven donor? Will you be on a shared eggs programme or a unique donor to yourself? Normally the chances that she won't have eggs are really minimal, but of course until you have your babies on board you won't be reassured I know!
I'm here though, sending you love and positive energy, Fran

Anonymous said...

Yay for walking the PATH! I think I did when I was there in college - it was super cool. The Olympics have been so fun to watch this year and I would love to visit Vancouver one day soon. What a cool place!

La La said...

Yay for one pack of pills down. Hang in there hun. ((hugs))

Lost in Space said...

Let go of those guilty feelings for feeling bitter. It's a fine line to walk - grieving one dream while realizing another. Give yourself the freedom to just grieve your loss. It does not take away from the fact that you are excited about donor eggs.

Glad you made it through your first pack and hope the second one goes just as well. You are doing lots of great things while waiting for your cycle to start. It really will be here before you know it!

ks and jd said...

I had to laugh when you wrote the PATHS! I know those paths! You can definitely get a good walk in down there!

I too have become an Olympic junkey this year. It seems to take my mind off of everything else in life! But it does make me miss BC.

That's great that you are rolling along nicely for your cycle. I still find the irony funny that we take bcp's to try to get pregnant! I'll definitely be following your journey. We are just at the process of deciding our next clinic for DE. Cre.Ate or out of country...? Still undecided. Wishing you well!